finally saw pdoc after one month

it was nice. i was in a really good mood today so we spent a lot of time joking around and stuff, and he kept catching himself and trying to steer us back to 'proper' work, but we kept leading ourselves astray again. i think pdoc is so funny, so i love it when we just talk small talk.

but, the run down:
- i am too chicken to ask him why he did not reply to my text, and why he did not call when i didnt show up to the following appt, and why he didnt tell me he was on leave the following week. so those things didnt get addressed.
- i am also too chicken to do trauma work right now. something big happened a few weeks ago (which is why i had sent pdoc the initial txt) but a few week have passed now and i dont want to go into it. pdoc tried to bring it up once or twice but i kept shutting him down.
- i did manage to ask him to promise that he would call me if he decides he hates me. i said it very quickly though when the session was over and we were heading out the door. i didnt want to talk about whys/wherefores etc. i told him it had to be a phone call, or a voicemail or something, and not a letter otherwise i would worry that the letter got lost in the post. he did promise, but i think he found it amusing, so i'm worried he didnt take it seriously. but he said it's an easy promise to make and keep because it's never going to happen and i can't get rid of him that easily. i'm not sure, but i think i'll be ok until next week at least.

otherwise, we talked med talk. i am going to japan over xmas/ny and wanted to go off my meds so i could eat there without worrying, but apparently it takes 4 weeks for the chemicals in my brain to return to base levels, so i would have to be off them for 7 weeks altogether at least. that's really scary for me, given that all of my mega-deep depressions have occurred during summer. but pdoc thinks it could be good because it would give my body a break, and also we could see how much of a protective effect these meds are really having.

the other thing is that i had a really bad interaction a few weeks back and should've gone to hospital but didnt (i ignored early symptoms and had passed out before things were serious enough for me to worry). so pdoc wants me to buy a portable blood pressure monitor, and wear one of those medic-alert bracelets (gross!). he said he could give me some meds to use in an emergency, but because i'm quite small he's worried they would work too well and send me from a hypertensive crisis into a hypotensive one instead. so he really just wants me to be aware of when it's time to go to hospital (by using the bp monitor thingy), and let them medicate me away. how much does that suck.

i'm feeling a bit emo about all this med stuff. this year has been the best i've ever had (after april, when i changed meds), but i'm getting upset that i might go off them, and i'm also getting upset that they might put me in hospital too.

Ah, Deli, I found this amusing too. You're very funny--sorry. I am sure Pdoc finds you totally delightful. It is clear he cares very, very much.

Glad your session went well.

Going to Japan for vacation? Cool!

But it will be winter in Japan!

lol, pachy. i think my brain will be so cold i wont have energy to think myself into a rut.

yes, i'm so excited about japan!! it'll be my first trip overseas since i was 12, and i'm so excited that it's a culture i'm completely foreign to, unlike something like europe/the US where at least i have some rudimentary knowledge. i am super excited about the big city japan stuff and the lights and the busy-ness and everything. not so keen on the cold, though, eck, but it's the only time all of my friends have free together.

i haven't seen austin-T yet (he's been away for a month) but i know he'll be excited too because it's where he was living before he moved to australia. my first preference was actually china, but one of my friends had stopped through there this year so we negotiated japan instead.

sunny - this amusing thing. do you think it's not a good idea then to follow up whether pdoc's promise was serious next week? i know i obsess over minor details a lot, but if pdoc wasn't being serious then i can't be certain anymore that he doesnt hate me, right? i dont mind being laughed at or anything, but i want to be sure, and i dont know if there's any point if he will still find it funny next week?

If you think he was not taking you seriously and it is important to you, then definitely bring it up next time! I think a person can take something seriously and still smile.

Deli,
I was really glad to see you finally saw pdoc.

Try not to think of it as 'being chicken' not to bring those things up with him. That kind of thing is scary to do, and you just weren't ready. After not seeing him for a while, it sounds like it felt good just to be with him and have things be a little easy and comfortable......and it is ok to take some time to just re-connect in that way. Don't be so hard on yourself!

i also think the promise is amusing, but just in the way it was phrased. But I'm sure he took it seriously, because it points to something deeper and meaningful....that is, your fears and insecurities. And I'm sure it is very important for him to take care of those feelings.

And I related very much to what you said here:
I just had this thought last night when I was taking my meds - I have been feeling so much less depressed lately, and I thought about stopping the meds. And it scared me! Because, what if the REASON I am feeling better is because of the meds...and then if I go off of them I start feeling awful again.
So......keep taking them Deli!!! And I will too.

I'm glad it went well, when you did get to see him

Wow Japan that will be cool - I would love to go there

thank you, lovelies .

kureha - yes, japan will be awesome!! we just booked tickets an hour ago, so it's definitely locked in.

thank you, ((((ktgirl)))), for your post. especially this bit. pdoc always tells me this, but it's helpful to be reminded every now and again. i find it weird how ppl on PC can read pdoc's intentions better than me, even when you guys are receiving all this info through my own blinkered story telling.

i have thought about this a bit more, and i think i will go off them in order to go on the trip. it's just too dangerous for me otherwise, especially given the language barrier. but because i will need a month's detox before flying out, it will become apparent if i need to go back on them, and i can always restart them if required.

kt - did you notice your mood getting better shortly after starting these meds, or were there other things going on/changing at the same time? for me, it was literally a choice between these meds or ECT, so i can definitely put my recovery down to the meds. but maybe now that i am out (mostly) out of the big, bad depression, i do not need them as a preventative measure? maybe it is like taking a panadol which you only need short term? current recommendations (in aus) do suggest staying on antidepressants for a 6 month minimum, and then testing whether you still require them.

thank you, (((sunny))). i think you are probably right that pdoc took it seriously. i'm just hypersensitive about being vulnerable (and asking for something like that was a HUGE vulnerabilty thing for me) and i'm always scared that if i'm vulnerable that ppl will laugh at me or reject me or push me away.

when i think about it carefully, pdoc said he'd promise when i just asked for him to let me know if he hated me, and he only started smiling after i explained how he had to do it and my reasoning behind it. but he did sit and listen to me the whole time, so he probably did take it seriously. and he is always joking about how i think through things in too much detail, so maybe he was laughing at that, and not laughing at me. ok.

thank you sunny .

I've also heard that anti-depressants can be a temporary treatment, but if you do quit them after six months and need to go back on them it's probably best to stay on the, afterwards.

I noticed the difference shortly after starting the meds. There wasn't really anything else changing at the same time.....anything good that is. There were things going on that might have made me MORE depressed, so that to me pointed to the fact that the meds were working.
I'm really glad the meds worked for you, and that you didn't need ECT. My sister had ECT a bunch of times, and although it was scary for her it wasn't too bad, except for the fact that it really messed with her short term memory.
I've never heard of a time limit for staying on anti-d's. I'll have to ask my p-doc about that. It seems kind of risky to go off them just to see whether they're still needed!!

I'm glad you saw your pdoc!!

And I agree with the others - don't beat yourself up. You're not chicken. You were just not ready.

As far as the meds are concerned, I would be afraid to stop taking the meds in case I get withdrawal symptoms on the trip. There was a time when I missed several doses of Lexapro due to getting a script refilled, and I remember how awful I felt. Getting off the meds is a big deal - something that should be done gradually IF you've been on them for a long time.

Don't stop your meds without your pdoc's permission and supervision. Bad idea.

pdoc is the one who is more enthusiastic about me stopping, actually.

i also regularly need to give myself a break from these meds (maybe 4 days every month) because i am allergic to them and they cause hives. when the hives swell up too much and i can't breathe, the meds go on a break or the dosage gets reduced . i'm usually so happy to be able to breathe again that i dont really notice any withdrawl symptoms, lol.

i think going off them for the trip is important, because of the food complications. pdoc also thinks there are other benefits - to assess how i am doing without their help. if i start to get depressed, i can just go back on them again.

i think the problem lies more in me not believing that this happiness will last without the medication, and being anxious as a result. but the only way to find out is to try, an i think it is worth it if i get to know.