[BlueMoon6]

Sorry for all the new threads. I am taking this last session so slow its as if I need a new thread for each feeling or sentence spoken

In today's session there was a connection between the way I protected dt and the way I feel I must protect my father. I feel a lot of shame and that if he did something wrong, then I must be disgusting and wrong, too. And that deep inside, I feel this way about myself. So, I protect him to keep myself from feeling shameful and disgusting. I have always felt that i had to hide the way he was to me. I feel shame even posting about it, but I am because it is important.

I felt shame for my family and I just couldnt separate the shame I felt about them from the way I felt about myself. If they are a "bad" family, then I am "bad". It never would occurr to me that I could be good coming from bad. That there was nothing shameful about me. It is still something that I cannot feel yet, but I do understand the idea.

There was an incident with dt, she acted in a bizarre way during one session. Even for me to notice that something was wrong. But then I quickly denied it. I wanted to protect her. I was trying to trust her, she was my t, she cannot be acting this bizarre way. But she was, and I quickly would protect her in my mind. I felt shame for her and for me because I witnessed this way that she behaved. I have felt shame for her about this particular session from the day it occurred, but I turn it around into *I* am shameful and that I did something wrong. It is very much like my family and I guess in that way dt was re-traumatizing for me.

This is all so hard And makes me want to hide.....

[chaotic13]

((Bluemoon)) of all the things that have surfaced in therapy shame has been the hardest to deal with.

(((((((((((moon))))))))))

I agree with chaotic...shame has been the hardest thing I've had to feel in therapy.

Part of getting through it for me was just FEELING it instead of running away from it. It was awful, and I just wanted the floor to swallow me up.

I don't know if I'm really totally past it yet, but I don't feel it as strongly anymore, so maybe just by working on the things we need to work on in therapy, it's dissipating a bit.

Hang in there

[WePow]

((( BlueMoon ))) I hope you let your dt know about the situation and how you felt. Ts are humans. They do have bad days. I am kinda glad for this though because the give us the chance to practice our human to human skills in a safe (or safer) setting. You are empowered in that setting to express how something makes you feel - esp if it is a response from something T did or said.

It may be very difficult. And the shame - oh yes how I know that emotion. But it is work the effort to bring those things up in the next session. You might be amazed at yourself for the healing those rare chances can bring.

[rainbow8]

BlueMoon: You definitely ARE good, even if it came from bad. Sending you lots of ...

[Sannah]

Very good insight Moon. You will bring this up in therapy?

Blue

Shame is so hard, but it's great that you could make that connection, even though it may not feel great at the moment. It's another step toward healing, keep going!

[BlueMoon6]

Thanks everyone. This shame really is the hardest part to deal with. I was almost afraid to come back here and read my responses. I feel shame that I wrote what I did. I didnt want to think about it today. But its all OK. I am not triggered the way I thought Id be and I want to remember the session. Posting last night helped a lot.

Sannah- What I wrote is from my session with ftt. I was telling her how much shame I feel and she was helping me to separate my feelings about my family from my feelings about myself. That I am "good" even if I was came from "bad". She really helped me talk about a couple of sessions I had with dt that felt traumatizing. I feel so validated by ftt. I was talking about even feeling shame and some sort of responsibilty for dt and how she behaved. It amazes me that I feel that way, but I do.

She connected a lot of this to my ED, too. Trying to "protect" myself by always being a good girl and in control. I am protecting myself from (among other things) feeling shame and responsibiltiy for other people's reactions to me. They wont have a negative reaction to me if I work hard to be good, never make waves and if I am non-competitive and non-threatening.

WPowers- Thanks. Dt is my previous t who I dont see anymore. And ftt is my new t who Ive been seeing for about 1 1/2 months. Im not sure if I will have a closure session with her, or a one-way closure in a letter, or just nothing at all.

Tree- I think youre right. Instead of running away from the feeling of shame or the things that cause me shame, to allow myself to FEEL it. UGH! It makes me feel like I dont have a right to be on this earth. yuck!

[zooropa]

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

Instead of running away from the feeling of shame or the things that cause me shame, to allow myself to FEEL it. UGH! It makes me feel like I dont have a right to be on this earth. yuck!

Sounds like a good goal Moon. You are doing great work!

[Sannah]

With further thought on this, is this your shame to feel? Who does the shame belong to? What did you do wrong?

[opheliasorrow]

(((((((((((((((Bluemoon))))))))))))))))Thank you so much for this post. Dealing with shame is the hardest I feel ... the shame IS NOT ours to own, though it feels as though we need to own it to let it go (I know that doesn't make much sense) Still working through mine, you are a wonderful, inspiring person to post this, you give hope and validation to others in the same position - it is not YOUR SHAME honey, no way .... you're doing great (not meant to sound patronising). Thank you again, so much. Ophelia xxx

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Sannah

With further thought on this, is this your shame to feel? Who does the shame belong to? What did you do wrong?

On a feeling level, not something that I know intellectually to be true/not true- I feel shame that my family is/was "bad" in some way, and then, by association (or just because it was my family and I *am* them) I am bad. That they hid who they are from the world, they hid what was really going on in the house like a big secret, because something was bad and should be hidden. There was something to be ashamed about, so I AM the shame. There is something shameful abou t me. I wanted to be seen and treated by my father the way I saw other girls treated by their fathers. I wanted that so badly that I would even just pretend I had a regular father and then hide and feel shame that I didnt. As a child, I felt everyday that all I did was hide and pretend that I was someone I wasnt. That I was a regular kid from a regular famiily, but I *knew* I wasnt. Shame.

What did I do wrong? I was born and then I got in the way......

[BlueMoon6]

Thanks Ophelia- and I am so sorry you have to feel this way, too Even tho the shame is not our own, and I can know that cognitively, it doesnt register with me at all. The shame feels like it IS me and that I am disgusting and dirty in some way. And so are the people I came from. It is what I have to let go of to feel free to be me, but the shame is very deep and so much a part of me- its as if the shame has directed so much of my life up until this point that I dont know what a shame-free life looks like.

[mixedup_emotions]

You are working so incredibly hard in therapy, to heal. And I can totally relate to your comment about being born and then getting in the way...although I haven't touched on it in therapy enough to make much progress. Such painful emotions....so hard to feel....Your work is inspiring.

Big hugs to you....

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

There was something to be ashamed about, so I AM the shame.

What did I do wrong? I was born and then I got in the way......

wow. those 2 statements both speak to me SO much. "I AM the shame". Maybe I feel this too, maybe this is why I want to be invisible, why it's so hard for me to let anyone really SEE me (figuratively, mostly). To hide the shame. wow.

Also, just the sad, simple fact of "I was born, and then I got in the way". I'm so sorry you feel that way. It just sounds so much like something that could have come from the bottom of my heart, too. I just was THERE, and that was the beginning of everything being ****ed up

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by zooropa

wow. those 2 statements both speak to me SO much. "I AM the shame". Maybe I feel this too, maybe this is why I want to be invisible, why it's so hard for me to let anyone really SEE me (figuratively, mostly). To hide the shame. wow.

That is how I feel, too. I also have an issue with disappearing and being invisible. To not eat so I disappear. I have allowed myself to gain a few pounds and although I must look better, I feel much too "present." And "there." It want badly to disappear.

Also, just the sad, simple fact of "I was born, and then I got in the way". I'm so sorry you feel that way. It just sounds so much like something that could have come from the bottom of my heart, too. I just was THERE, and that was the beginning of everything being ****ed up

Yes- thats how I feel. I dont think my birth was meant to do that, but I felt like I had to not be in the way of their lives.

((((((((((blue))))))))))

(i tried to post last night but pc wouldn't let me.) you are dealing with such hard subjects already with ftt. we don't want you to be invisible or disappear so please keep up your great work eating. we want you to be present because you are a beautiful and wonderful woman.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I feel much too "present." And "there." It want badly to disappear.

This is definitely progress. Learning to be present was one of my major accomplishments in therapy. But this is exactly why we learned to not be present because it doesn't feel good. Working on why it doesn't feel good is the route.

The way that I worked on shame was to notice when others around me spoke of their issues and problems, etc. but they didn't look like they felt shame. This really helped me to stop feeling shame. Maybe it is acceptance of what happened to you????

I'm also thinking that your self worth might be tied up in this one?

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by bloom3

((((((((((blue))))))))))

(i tried to post last night but pc wouldn't let me.) you are dealing with such hard subjects already with ftt. we don't want you to be invisible or disappear so please keep up your great work eating. we want you to be present because you are a beautiful and wonderful woman.

Oh, Bloom that means so much to me. So much, you cant imagine. I think with all of the things I am working on I have to talk food this week I feel so awful with this it has consumed me. I was able to put on some weight, but I feel like I cant stand myself. I KNOW I look better and am supposed to gain more, but I want to stop eating. I didnt do that though. Its as if I want to be healthier, but the drive to stop eating or even SI is all so connected with what I was talking about last week with shame and the way I feel about myself.

Im trying not to focus on it and havent been posting about it, but maybe it takes me over more when I dont write about it. I didnt even write anything in my journal. It just occurred to me I am wanting it all to go away, even on a level I havent been aware of. Im afraid if I post about it or write in my journal it wont go away.....sigh.....

Bloom, your wonderful words to me make me feel so much better

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Sannah

This is definitely progress. Learning to be present was one of my major accomplishments in therapy. But this is exactly why we learned to not be present because it doesn't feel good. Working on why it doesn't feel good is the route.

I feel as if I am too much "there" and too noticable. Does this make any sense? Ftt says I want to have a childs body! I dont know if its true, but it might be, on some level. When there is more of me, I feel very, very unsafe. Unsafe to point where I cant stand it.

The way that I worked on shame was to notice when others around me spoke of their issues and problems, etc. but they didn't look like they felt shame. This really helped me to stop feeling shame. Maybe it is acceptance of what happened to you????

I have to give this some thought. It is a very interesting thought...

I'm also thinking that your self worth might be tied up in this one?

Do you mean acceptance of what went on in my childhood? Yes- I think it is

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

Im trying not to focus on it and havent been posting about it, but maybe it takes me over more when I dont write about it. I didnt even write anything in my journal. It just occurred to me I am wanting it all to go away, even on a level I havent been aware of. Im afraid if I post about it or write in my journal it wont go away.....sigh.....

These things never go away by ignoring them. If this were true no one here would have any problems.

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I feel as if I am too much "there" and too noticable. Does this make any sense?

Yes!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

Do you mean acceptance of what went on in my childhood?

Yes, but more so acceptance of who you are now.

[Sannah]

And remember Moon that you feel bad after gaining weight because you haven't fixed you issues which are causing you to need a coping mechanism and by gaining the weight you are taking away your coping mechanism.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Sannah

And remember Moon that you feel bad after gaining weight because you haven't fixed you issues which are causing you to need a coping mechanism and by gaining the weight you are taking away your coping mechanism.

Youre right...It feels like I just cant do this. I want to hide. My d just took a pic of me and I can see I am still too thin, but when I look down I feel completely different.

Maybe its shame about my body? Shame about being a physical person in a body.