[WePow]

Well, I have thougth hard about things for a couple days now. I was going to leave PC because of the level of pain I was in by last Thursday afternoon. It was nothing about PC - but against myself and even the attempt at getting better.

The session before the last session with T was one that left me open to experiencing three major flashbacks of trauma work. I know I still have not gotten past those event or dealt with them at all. A little bit only. But the memory is so sickening to my soul that it made me feel like I was on fire inside. I was anxious to have a session with T this week on Thursday because I hoped it would somehow let me get this stuff out of me. It is like a poison that is eating me up from the inside alive.

Anyway, T offered to see me the week after the holiday but I have to work in the evening and can not get out of it. I am terrified of being alone for that many nights in a row with my angry alter Mick who frankly has had enough pain in life to make up for whatever it is I must have done wrong in a previous life!!! Not that I believe it - I just sometimes wonder! But with the level of emotional hell I was in when I left T on Thursday afternoon - I had to do something fast.

What resulted was a strange type of dissociative event that I have only experienced a handful of times. Usually before I made a major life shift like leaving bad relationships or such. I don't know if it is a true alter, I think it is becuase I end up not remembering things I write such as this time it was an email to someone who has been like a mentor to me - just about destroying the relationship. But the personality is so strong and calm. But it has thinking patterns that I do not know as my own reality. Sorry this is not making much sense... urrrrr.....

Anyway, "he" (no name at all), has almost convinced me that his way is right - to drop everything I know as my life and my family and to leave it all - to vanish. I don't know where to or how and can not see myself ever doing that. He does not want me to see T again. I am not able to see T until the first week of the new year - which should not be that long of a time. T did even offer to get me into the office early one morning the week after holiday, but I am in such emotional anguish (( well WAS in before this other entity put the house into lockdown )), that I would have been forced to go to work afterwards and work that night alone - which would have been super foolish. I am making progress after each session, but always am left feeling very vulnerable and exposed.

I have had a major DID headache since Thursday night when this one stepped in to help me out. And he has all the other alters totally locked down in the household. That includes Mick and the Little One. And his voice is what I think in DID they describe as the internalized abuser.

My problem is that he is making all the sense in the world now to me - which makes me feel better - I am not in anguish from the trauma work. But I feel like I am choosing a form of insanity over progressing with the healing work I have been busting my buns over!

URRRR!!!!

I want to put that part aside and say "NO! You are wrong!" But I can NOT deal with the anguish those flashbacks are causing me. Particularly one which involved finding out about the early preditory abuse done to me by someone who I considered to later in life be my only true love. The only person I ever felt deeply about before I was hurt by them and shut out my heart to that particular flavor of emotion. I just can't deal with it - and honestly right now I feel more alone than ever in my life. Like I wish I had never went back to therapy. And I wish I had never had to dig into all this stuff. I wish my brain would just shut up on the flashbacks. And that is where that alter (or whatever he is) does exactly that. As long as he is helping me out - I am free from having to deal with all of that other stuff.

urrrrrrr... Sorry again if this is so totally lame. But I thought maybe if I write it out here on PC where I have actually for the first time in my life found REAL friends!! Not friends who call you a friend then you are behind a divider in HS and they do not know you are back there and they proceed to take the next 15 min to destroy you verbally with another person behind your back... urrr....

So anyway, I just don't know what to do. Thanks guys.

[writingwithink]

Originally Posted by wpowers

Well, I have thougth hard about things for a couple days now. I was going to leave PC because of the level of pain I was in by last Thursday afternoon. It was nothing about PC - but against myself and even the attempt at getting better.

I'm sorry for all the difficutly and pain you're experiencing right now. The above quote, though, sounds like you are staying on PC, and that makes me happy.

Please hang in there until your T is back.

Peace,
writing

[WePow]

Well, I may get a holiday miracle... I sent T what I just wrote above and he emailed me back saying he "wants" to see me Monday. I happen to be off work that day. But his time was all booked. I had asked for that if he had it Thursday night but he said he was packed but would move someone if needed. URRR! I don't want to take his time away from someone else who needs him!!!! URRR!!!!!!!! I am not the only one who needs help in this dumb world.

Anyway, if he writes back with a time, looks like I will be going to see him Monday to maybe get this stuff on solid ground before I start my week of night shifts. Why do I have to be such a baby? urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[googley]

((((((wpowers))))))
You are not a baby. You are being strong in asking for help when you need it. That takes a lot of courage. It takes trust to be able to open yourself up and say that you need help. Especially if those you were supposed to be able to trust in the past abused that trust. Let your T worry about his schedule. If he has a place for you to come in, then he has a place. He may be able to juggle other clients into other days and times that you are not available. It is up to him to make priorities.

[WePow]

Thank you for this support. I will keep your words in mind today and just go with it tommorow without guilt.

[Melbadaze]

wpowers, god i relate to your post so much..even down to chronic headaches this week...take care

[jexa]

((((((((wpowers)))))))))

I am so glad you contacted your T and sent him this -- you are not a baby -- you are trying not to let the internalized abuser halt your healing -- this is the exact time your T needs to see you to keep you on the path. I'm glad your T was able to see you.. I'm glad you're fighting through. Please keep us posted.

[WePow]

Well - T amazed me yet again! He was there bright and early just for me - literally - he could not move anyone out (which I would have felt wretched about anyway) so he just came into his office an hour early so I could see him this AM!!!

I think because I knew he went out of his way to spend time with little ole me that it made me a lot more open to listening with my heart to what he was trying to get me to see. He even had a few stray tears at one point in the session - tears from the heart on my behalf! That is the first time in my whole life I knew about anyone crying FOR me ... if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I am going to be making a big effort to do what he told me to do and protect my little one and nurture her. I am so thankful for T and for all those who are like T and care for people like me and so many others who need them. WOW. What a true Christmas gift.

[zooropa]

WOW. I am so touched by the compassion and genuine caring that your T showed today. And so happy & relieved for you, wpowers, because I know the pain you have been in this week & I know how much you needed that.
I can't imagine how it must have felt to you to see T's tears and know that he was feeling so strongly on your behalf. That is so validating.