[zooropa]

my T is out of town for the holidays but wanted to schedule our session over the phone instead of skipping a session. That's fine with me, but I'm a little worried (maybe more than a little...) about what to expect.

Specifically:
We've been doing trauma work for the last month or so, and I'm worried that it's her plan to have tomorrow's session continue in that vein. I guess my anxiety is that I'm here, alone, and I don't know if I can deal with the emotions that come up or my reactions or what I might do during or after the session, since I'll be alone? It's just so different from being in her office and doing it and having her help me through my dissociating and whatever comes up.
I know even if we had a regular face-to-face session scheduled tomorrow I'd be feeling anxiety anyway. This trauma work is HARD and I'm so raw still from last week and the flashbacks and nightmares and panic attacks I've been dealing with since then.

So anyway. I guess I just have a lot of anxiety about my session tomorrow, some of it related to the fact that it's a phone session which I have never done before (although I've talked to T on the phone tons), and some of it just the usual pre-therapy anxiety.

thanks for listening

[Fartraveler]

I personally like phone sessions -- I find them in some ways easier than being with her. I find it easier to talk about things that would embarrass me on the phone, rather than sitting right with her and watching her look at me.

Also, I find it comforting and less stressful to be in my own space, with my own things around me.

So, maybe, you'll find it easier and more productive than you anticipate?

If you need to stay grounded, there's the usual thing of focusing on something physical -- squeeze hard on something textured, for example. (I like rocks.)

Also, I'm sure that if you're finding it too hard, you can just say so, and your T won't push you. She probably just wants to keep the schedule, just as a stabilizing thing.

Good luck.

Far

[jexa]

zoo, didn't you say in a previous thread that you thought it might be a good idea to take a break from trauma work? Ugh it IS hard and the whole way through you hurt WORSE for such a LONG TIME before you feel better. You have the right to take a break if you want -- you don't have to follow her plan. This is your therapy, so whatever her plan is, you can say, "Actually T, I've been having a little trouble coping and I don't think I want to do trauma work on the phone. I'd rather go into X today.." She is your employee. She might be your T but you can ask for whatever you need.

I've never done a phone session and don't think I could, either. I communicate a LOT non-verbally and body language is really important in my conversations.. I can never just talk for very long on the phone. If I call T, the calls last less than 3 or 4 min. If you can talk with T over the phone for a while without trouble, I think you'll do fine. Pre-therapy anxiety sucks.. I get it every time!

[gravyyy]

I have been doing phone therapy with my T for the past 3 weeks since I moved out of town. She's staying with me until I can get established. There was a time last year when I was out of town for about a month and we did 1 session in that time as well. From my experience we typically do a rather superficial check-in. We have the usual 45 minute conversation but we don't typically delve too deeply into things. I am also not working on trauma stuff though so of course my personal experience is different. I agree with Fartraveler when he/she says it's sometimes easier to talk over the phone than in person. I hate feeling like the pressure is on and talking to T over the phone removes that pressure for me. The anxiety before the therapy session is always the worst. Hang in there and hopefully you'll have a great experience. Take care..

(((((((((((((((((zoo))))))))))))))))))

I agree with Jexa. Can you tell T "I really want to take a break from trauma work this week. I've been having flashbacks and a tough time coping. Could we work on grounding and coping skills this week?" Maybe it would be nice to connect and be supported, but to work on practical things like coping skills instead of opening up more trauma stuff. Remember that it is not only OKAY to take a break, but it's also NECESSARY sometimes just to stay safe and to be able to get through life.

Be gentle with you. You don't have to push yourself all the time.

hugs, hugs, hugs to you

[zooropa]

thanks you guys! Reading your responses brought up a couple things for me.

fartraveler, like you I sometimes find it easier to say some things over the phone, I just find it very very uncomfortable at times to have her eyes on me so much during session. T is very present which is great but it's almost too much attention sometimes, when I try to live my life as invisibly as possible most of the time. So maybe this phone session will be a good thing in that way, and I hadn't thought of that, so thank you!

and Jexa and Tree, you both bring up the idea of taking a break from trauma work which is HUGE for me right now. You're right, Jexa, I did mention it in another thread. I am feeling stretched to the breaking point but the idea of telling T that I want to take a break really makes me feel scared. I have never taken the lead in therapy like that, I have always let her take the lead. She has told me that she will let me direct where things go, but I always say "I don't know" and I want her to be in charge. I am so afraid of messing up or doing or saying the wrong thing in front of T. I know this goes back to old, childhood stuff for me, and my feelings toward T in this are the way I would feel toward my mother. I am just very afraid of taking the lead.

at the same time, I am so scared of going to that dark, lonely trauma place all alone, even if T is on the phone, what if I can't hold the phone? What if I can't hear her? What if I go to the dark place and I can't come back?

ugh, so much fear, I have to get away from this for now but thank you for your replies. I hadn't realized how much just stark FEAR I have until this moment. I'm feeling very triggered now, just thinking about talking about the trauma. :cry

Originally Posted by zooropa

I am feeling stretched to the breaking point but the idea of telling T that I want to take a break really makes me feel scared. I have never taken the lead in therapy like that, I have always let her take the lead. She has told me that she will let me direct where things go, but I always say "I don't know" and I want her to be in charge. I am so afraid of messing up or doing or saying the wrong thing in front of T.

Hmmmm. Well, could you reframe it so "messing up" = "not taking the lead in therapy like T wants me to"?

My T has taught me that pacing is SO important...but that he can't really control the pacing, because he doesn't know what's going on for me internally. He can guess, and he can suggest that it's time to step back and take a break, or time to go deeper, but only I really *KNOW* where I'm at.

Thinking back, the one time I remember him absolutely insisting on a break from trauma and really EVERYTHING except just getting through the day was last fall (2008) when I almost ended up in the hospital. But the thing is, it had to get that bad externally before he realized that we HAD to take a break. Things go more smoothly when I pay attention to what's going on internally and let him know. I still miss it sometimes, but I'm getting better at it.

(((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))) I hope you will let yourself take care of yourself in this way. Remember when you were having a peaceful moment knitting by the Christmas tree? Let yourself have more of those moments this week. You can start by working on more gentle topics with T. The trauma can wait. Can you take care of the you that is right here, right now, in the present?

Thinking of you

[zooropa]

tree, thank you so much for your words. You have really been an inspiration to me as I walk through this trauma stuff. I appreciate your support so much.

My session today went well, when T called me the first thing she said was that she wasn't planning on doing any trauma work today, that she didn't want to "get into anything really deep and be on the phone". I swear it was almost as if she'd read my post here and knew how anxious I was.
More like she just knows me and has seen how hard this work has been for me, and felt like I did, that doing it over the phone wouldn't be effective.

So we were able to talk about other things that are going on, and it was good. I did get a chance to tell her how I feel about the trauma work, how sometimes I feel like it has been a mistake, that I was starting to finally feel happy sometimes before I started doing this and now I'm just a wreck all the time. That's something I've wanted to say for awhile and never had the courage to, but it felt a little easier to say it over the phone.

I dissociated once during our talk, just talking about my mother (ugh) and some stress she is adding to my holiday plans with my kids, and T said she knows that my mom was really invalidating to me in my childhood because of the way I have reacted when I've disclosed things to T about my trauma, and needing her to reassure me multiple times that she believes I am telling the truth. Just thinking about that, my whole body went numb, I just felt this cold wave go up through me from my toes through my head followed by numbness. My mind went blank. I don't know what T was saying, if anything. I shut my eyes. I quit talking. I don't think it lasted very long.
I remember then hearing her asking me, calmly, what was going on. And I was saying "I don't...I don't know" and she asked if my eyes were open and I could barely speak, just this little tiny voice came out.

But I opened my eyes and it was so good to be home, in my safe apartment, in my pj's, on my couch. I reached out and turned on my music on the laptop in front of me. I got up to get a cup of coffee and I was very dizzy, I have never stood up like that, suddenly right after dissociating. I had a cigarette. It was very, very good to be home and safe and have T on the other end of the phone.

Other than that it was a very good session, T was very validating about the way I'm dealing with my mother, helped me cope ahead with some scenarios of what she (my mother) may do next and how I can deal with that, and just was her usual supportive self. It was good to reconnect, this has been a really hard week with a lot of pressures coming in at me from different sources and adding that to the pressure coming OUT of me from the trauma work has been really hard to handle.

I know I can call T if I need to talk to her again, and I will see her next Mon at our usual time.

[moonrise]

Zoo, I'm so glad your session went well. I'm glad your T was able to be validating and reassuring. I've never done a phone session, so wouldn't know what to expect either. I'm so happy your experience was positive.

(((((((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))))))

That session sounds like just what you needed I loved that you had a cigarette while talking to her....I don't smoke, but I used to, and early in therapy I told T I would LOVE it if we could sit there and smoke during session LOL.

I hope you can carry T's support with you through the holidays. And we are here too.

Knit and be peaceful