[zooropa]

last week's session was pretty intense so I think my T this week just didn't want to get into anything really deep, although she left it up to me of course as far as what I wanted to talk about.

I knew going into there that it was going to be hard for me to talk, sometimes I just GET like that, where it's hard for me to know what to say, you know? And this was one of those days, I knew it as soon as I woke up, so I just had to do my best.

That said, it was pretty good session today. We talked a little bit about what to expect in the future, since we are about to start trauma work in earnest. T said she wants me to have a few weeks of no SI under my belt so I will know I can handle the emotions that will come up. And then that when I come in she will ask me if I feel ready, and if I do then we'll start doing the work the following week, that way I don't have to wonder every week if I'm going to walk in there and she's going to start hitting me with questions about my trauma or what. So that was good to know, to kind of have a road map, albeit a really vague and sketchy one

We also talked about my flare up of PTSD symptoms this past week & how that relates to the fact that my soon-to-be-ex-husband coming over & assaulting me in my home a little over a week ago. There were things going on with me in the past week that I hadn't attributed to that, so it was good to have that validation, that there is a reason for the stuff that's going on and my hyperarousal and lack of sleep, etc. None of which is new to me, having PTSD for a long time, but it was coming out in weird ways.

Anyway, that was my session, it felt a little bit different than usual & my T I think was just "off" in some way, I can't really describe it. She was out of town over the weekend & maybe she just hadn't gotten back into "work mode" yet? I'm not sure, she just wasn't quite herself, but it was ok. I've been seeing her for just over a year so I think I know her pretty well but of course I don't actually know anything at all that's going on in her personal life, so who knows.

Now I'm just kind of having the usual post-therapy depression, I came home & ate a (small) bag of sweet potato chips & just want to climb in bed & hibernate & hide from the world. It is so hard to close back up after going through the process of opening up for that little 50 minute window each Monday at noon.

zooropa

I"m glad you are okay after that assault, that sounds incredibly scary and horrible!

Glad you had a good session overall. I think your T's plan is good, to make sure you're in a strong place before you start trauma work. My T told me tonight that when we did EMDR for my trauma, and I had a bad reaction, that it even surprised her a bit! So while it's definitely good to do that work, you never know what feelings may come up, so it's good that you're strong before you start it, and that you also feel like you can count on T to be there if you need her to be.

I think T's must have off days - I know I have off days at my job. They can hide it well, though, and it's great that you can cut her some slack.

[zooropa]

thanks dreamseeker! It *was* scary. I've been separated from him for 7 mos & away from his abuse, but stupidly let him into my apartment that night & that's when the assault happened.

My T pointed out that it was a turning point, though, because for the 1st time I was able to fight him off & I made him leave by threatening to call the police. In the past I was never able to do that & he has assaulted me many, many times during our 18 yrs of marriage. So, in a way, it was a good thing?

A lot of the trauma that T & I are going to work on is stuff that I've never been able to talk about, ever, even with other T's I've had. So it has a lot of power, just in that it's never been spoken out loud, and I think just getting myself to the point of being ABLE to speak it is going to be half the battle. I have no idea how I'll react but in just describing the basic details like what time of year it was to T I dissociated pretty badly. I think we're both a little scared, well, I know I am a LOT scared & T is probably a little concerned but of course she just tells me she knows I can do it. What else is she going to say??

zooropa,

I am so glad you are okay after that, and good for you for sticking up for yourself and threatening to call the cops. That is a HUGE accomplishment.

I like what I hear so far of how your T works. My T is a trauma specialist and she does things very similar. I have PTSD order too so I know how hard that is and how triggering therapy can be. But it is healing even when it feel awful, I am starting to realize that.

Good luck and let us know how your session goes next!

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by exoticflower

zooropa,

I am so glad you are okay after that, and good for you for sticking up for yourself and threatening to call the cops. That is a HUGE accomplishment.

I like what I hear so far of how your T works. My T is a trauma specialist and she does things very similar. I have PTSD order too so I know how hard that is and how triggering therapy can be. But it is healing even when it feel awful, I am starting to realize that.

Good luck and let us know how your session goes next!

thank you! It has helped me a lot, the support I get here, even just reading stuff & knowing other people are going through similar things as I am, it's amazing how powerful that is.

Zooropa,

Have you had your session this week yet? Just wondering if it felt any better. I think I remember feeling T's seemed different right after their vacations. Hopefully your T is back to normal.

[zooropa]

thanks for asking, exotic I don't have my next session until Tues, although the way I'm feeling right now I don't think I'm going to go.