Fear

Ironically, I'm afraid.

Last session, two weeks ago my therapist told me that:

- I was being too "rational" in my discussion of my issues (I do admit I hide behind psychology terms sometimes but part of it IS that I just finished a psych degree and I learned a lot!)
- I wasn't being emotional enough
- She wasn't sure if I was really wanting to deal with any of my issues.

Which I admit, pretty much irked me.

But we talked it out, I agreed with her and then she gave me homework. She said that if I want to deal with my issues, more things need to be happening OUTSIDE the session.

So I got homework.

On "Fear". Literally. She wrote down some questions about fear, as it is probably one of the primary emotions in my life that drives a lot of my behaviours - for better and for worse.

So here I am, at 9:30pm the NIGHT BEFORE THERAPY and I haven't done the homework.

To my credit, I did discuss it with my school chaplain today who explained stuff to me (since the entire idea of "fear" and writing about it not only makes me scared, I havent got the foggiest idea what she wants!) and basically he asked me if I was actually going to give therapy a chance.

That I had to trust her and the therapy process if I wanted to get better.

To which I think I recall swearing.

(Why yes, Christina does have the maturity level of a teenager at the ripe old age of 23 years old )

So I spent an hour with my chaplain prepping for my 2 hour appt with my therapist tomorrow.

And I still havent written a damn thing.

Oopsies. I'm passive aggressively trying to flunk out of therapy. I know she wouldnt dump me as a client, but she did ask me if all I wanted to do was come to a session every two weeks and just chat about random stuff.

Which I didnt appreciate since she WAS originally my first therapist ever and I didnt like the idea of therapy at all. I've come a LONG way, through 3+ OTHER therapists, to wind up back in her office asking her for help.

Sigh. So my primary emotion is fear. My primary problem is trust. And I'm an anxious wreck.

Watch this space. If I actually manage to write anything out for the homework, I'll try to update here. But I will write after the appt tomorrow. Unless I have a total mental breakdown, which I feel Im inching my way toward.

Christina

Sounds like you have a good place to start - the fear of doing the homework, the fear of not getting it done, the fear of flunking out of therapy. Icky feelings for sure, but maybe a good jumping off point.

Good luck!!

You have terrific insight, and who could blame you for intellectualizing a bit, when you just finished a psych degree. I do the same thing, and no T has ever chastised me for it. Unusual T. Just write: I fear ____________ because. I get angry when ____________________, and the basis of this is fear. I find myself fearful whenever ___________________. Ad nauseum. I guess she just wants you to get in touch with your feelings. Good Luck with this T. He/she is probably right, I just never heard it put that way before. Maybe he/she cares more than most about the effectiveness of therapy. Many lesser T's are content just to chat, and that's not good either. billieJ

Oh, Christina,

You could say you feared doing the assignment and didn't do it! It sounds like your T is trying to push you, are you ready for that? I too have spent years intellectualizing my emotions, I didn't know what I felt. Your T is handling it differently than mine would, but all T's are different I guess. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

To me, it sounds like you have done a lot of THINKING, and sometimes that can be just as good as WRITING.
Last week I had homework involving 'self-awareness'. And I thought about it alot during the week. I came up with some insights that, although I didn't write them down, I was able to express in my next session and it led to a better understanding between us.

Anyway, I will be thinking of you in your session. I hope you let us know how it goes!

Ktgirl took the words out of my mouth. I agree with all that.

Christina - It's not as if you just blew off your assignment, you've been circling it the whole time between sessions, trying to figure out how to dive in, and to me that signals a willingness to work. I think you may find a good response from yr T on this. For sure there will be a lot to talk about. good luck!!!!

Thanks everyone!! Love the responses.

^^ I wish I had thought of that. That would have made my life SO MUCH EASIER. And the sad thing is, I actually know about "I statements" and how useful they can be.

So, as an UPDATE:

Didn't write a dang thing down. I was feeling... rebellious.

So, the therapy session went well enough I think.

I told her that I thought if I didn't do the homework that she'd dump me as a client. Actually, I told her that I FEARED she'd dump me as a client if I didn't start doing more work in therapy.

To which she responded something along the lines of that she didn't want me to think of it as mandatory assignments, that it was just something to think about that could be used as a springboard for the next session. To which I felt very foolish.

Oh, and apparently she said that she'd never drop a client who didn't know how to express emotions, even when I felt like she would because I thought maybe I wasn't trying hard enough. She said that was her JOB, to help me.

Which made me feel a lot better actually.

And then... ummmmm... talked about my different fears (trust, dependence, abandonment, emotions and crap like that) and my different anxieties (like the fact that I feel freaking paranoid sometimes about random things).

But I was very good and tried not to hide behind a mask of "everything is okay". No, I didn't cry and I DID tell her I wasn't sure if I could trust her or the therapeutic process (GASP ) but that I was willing to try to get there.

Talked a bit about my past weekend graduation from university and things that emerged from that (my fear of the future and moving on, fear of change blahblahblah I can't remember all of it but I'm apparently terrified of a lot)

And then she asked me hard questions again.

Now I'm apparently supposed to figure out my good qualities. Not allowed to have ANY negative ones. I'm supposed to imagine someone viewing me, someone who loves me and figure out what good qualities they see.

Sigh. Cognitive distortions => Meet reality. = All hell will ensue.

Yeah, my cognitive distortions say nasty stuff, but in reality I know I'm not a horrible person. But balancing what my distortions say versus my rational brain is bloody HARD.

At least I have two weeks to figure it out. I'm still exhausted from that therapy appt.

My therapist gives me homework from time to time. (He says he just loves giving a teacher homework). Sometimes I do it. Sometimes I don't. He's just trying to get me to focus on something productive in between sessions. I've never really worried about it either way. Good luck with the work on your cognitive distortions. That's hard work but it is so very helpful in the end.