Bringing "her" home.

Last week I talked to T about how I feel this dead part of me...I emailed her later on and asked if she sees that dead part? Than I started to feel haunted by this dead part.

Finally today I said how I feel someone has injected their thoughts into my mind. T asked whose thoughts they maybe? I then saw an image of a child that looked like me and I said they are "hers", and I felt afraid and said she scares me, she is haunting me. T asked me what was scary about her? Finally after having intense visions of her I said her despair, her aloneness.

After some more quite I said I feel I want to give her away, but I can't, if I do that there will be no warmth in my veins, but shes pawing at me like my dogs do. Most of this was being said between deep sobs.

I moved on from there from not being able to give her away, to allowing her to come home with me as long as she sits silent and doesn't talk, but then I said I know I can't do that even. Then I realised that I hadn't given her away, shes always been there in the form of my 2 daughters, I saw that I'd been taking care of her through them all these yrs.

So now shes home with me and I am to parent her finally.

I always wondered why my dogs longings, needs, use to shut me down, now I have the pictures to go with the haunting memories, it becomes more doable.

(((Melbadaze)))

((((((Melbadaze))))))))))
thanks for sharing - i have a dead part, too (very large) & i appreciate hearing your thoughts about how you have examined it and are dealing with it. i'm not at that point yet.
susan

hi, i understand what your saying - i think we all have dead parts ,
some are more intrusive than others ,and i can relate to the thought of giving it up-- i was asked one time to "give it up" and i couldnt do it either
i felt even though it was dead it was "safety" too

sue

Very good inner child work!

You know since this session I've been wondering where the idea that I wanted to get rid of "her" came from and the idea that "she" can stay as long as she puts no demands on me...I realise I've spent my entire life thinking my birth mothers relinquishment of me is the core problem when it was my adoptive mothers not wanting me that is the main problem...this is the memory I've split of for my entire life...suddenly the pieces fit....I was doing to my inner child what was already being done....I see now how I put myself into situations where I feel as If I'm not reallyl wanted and I spend my time battling that realisation...just how it was growing up....I knew deep inside of me that my adoptive mother didnt want me but for a child that would have been to scary to admit too...oh now so much makes sense....

Very good processing Melba! How do you know that your adoptive mom didn't want you?

oh cripes where do i start...the way she use to tell me what her daughter would have been like if she'd managed to have had her iwn child....how she would tell me i was from bad stock...how she avoided any physical touch with me....how she could care less where i was from a very yonug age...how she enjoyed my brother abusing me.....she couldn't admit this concsiously to herself because that wouldn't fit the Picture she had of herself....

((Melbadaze))

I just want to say AMAZING WORK!!!

Keep going, keep doing what you are doing. It takes some time to accept 'parts of ourselves' that have been in hiding for a while, so be extra kind and gentle to yourself.

Many cultures believe that when we go through a trauma, part of spirit leaves. That part stays away until we are healed enough to deal with the feelings. So, the fact that this part is coming back now is a really positive sign. (In native american culture, it is called a soul retrieval. In China, a family will gather around the person and chant the name of the person and call them back after a trauma.)

Thank you for sharing!

This is really cool, Spotted Owl. Thank for for sharing that



Good work, melbadaze

spottedowl, yes thanks for sharing that, its very reassuring!

Thanks for bringing the situation to us Melbadaze.

.

I'm questioning you so much because sometimes we can misinterpret things especially when we are young.

sannnah..thank you for taking the time but i've covered this iin therapy....i need to mourn thid first before i put it into any other context...i lnow now as an adult this was about her issues but the child part needs to be able to express her fears and talk about how it felt to her.

i think enjoy was how it felt..her walking out the room as he pumched me to a pulp didnt feel very supportive.