[zooropa]

Had my session yesterday, I feel like there is so much I could write about it that I could just go on for pages and pages but at the same time it feels overwhelming.

On Sat I had called T & left a message, don't even know what I said except I was crying & just basically freaked out, this whole week has been a mess for me ever since we started doing trauma work a week ago. So, she never called me back.
On Sunday, I was having a really hard time again and I called her again & she answered & we talked. After a bit I asked if she got my msg from the day before and she said "No. I saw that I had messages but I didn't bother to listen to them". Wow, that really hurt me.

So anyway at the beginning of my session yesterday she apologized & said she just couldn't listen to her messages & I told her "I heard you say you didn't bother to listen to them, not that you couldn't, and that's not the same thing. It's...the whole abandonment and rejection thing"

So then we started talking about my weekend & I had a flashback which was horrible, I've never had one in front of anyone before.
I remember hearing her telling me to try to keep my eyes open, then I could hear her but couldn't understand what she was saying, then I couldn't hear her anymore.
I don't know how long the whole flashback thing took. Then she wanted me to tell her what I was seeing and feeling during the flashback & I couldn't do that. She asked about what I was thinking during it & I told her how ashamed I felt, and scared.
So we talked about the shame & I was able to tell her for the 1st time how much shame I have about the incident that happened, that it happened in the 1st place, and that I have to relive it now. How ashamed I am to talk about it with her.
We didn't really go any further with talking about the sa itself but I feel like I did make progress just talking about my feelings. How I feel responsible for being at that place at that time, if I hadn't been there it wouldn't have happened. That I should have known better or made better choices. T of course told me, several times, that it wasn't my fault, that I had the right to be there, that I didn't ask for it to happen. I told her "I can know that in my head, but it doesn't feel true"

Later, at the end of the session, I was telling her about the things I had shared with my kids on thanksgiving that I was thankful for, and I told her that I said I was thankful for my therapist, and I made sure to look at her when I said that, and I said "it's true, I am, so thank you". I don't tell her that enough, and it's hard for me, but somehow by sharing with her what I had said to my kids it was kind of a backwards way for me to come at it and made it easier.

I really wanted her to know that she was on my "short list" of things I'm thankful for. I'm really glad I was able to get that out, despite our little rupture over the weekend & despite the emotional storm of the session.

I'm just so tired, physically from not sleeping b/c of the nightmares & emotionally just b/c of it all. I'm starting to wonder how long I can keep this up, and it's only been a week.

Originally Posted by zooropa

at the beginning of my session yesterday she apologized & said she just couldn't listen to her messages & I told her "I heard you say you didn't bother to listen to them, not that you couldn't, and that's not the same thing. It's...the whole abandonment and rejection thing"
zooropa, good for you for not letting that go and bringing it up to T! I can certainly see why that would be hurtful.

So then we started talking about my weekend & I had a flashback which was horrible, I've never had one in front of anyone before.
That sounds really intense and scary. But maybe you are feeling safe enough with your T that your mind allowed the flashback to come forward when you were with T, so that T could help you?

So we talked about the shame & I was able to tell her for the 1st time how much shame I have about the incident that happened, that it happened in the 1st place, and that I have to relive it now. How ashamed I am to talk about it with her. We didn't really go any further with talking about the sa itself but I feel like I did make progress just talking about my feelings.
zooropa I'm glad you could talk about this with T. Yes, you definitely made progress!

I really wanted her to know that she was on my "short list" of things I'm thankful for. I'm really glad I was able to get that out, despite our little rupture over the weekend & despite the emotional storm of the session.
I think it's great that you were able to tell T that you were thankful for her. A few sessions ago, I told T that I thank God for her - T looked a little surprised but also very touched. It's good to let our T's know how we feel.

I'm just so tired, physically from not sleeping b/c of the nightmares & emotionally just b/c of it all. I'm starting to wonder how long I can keep this up, and it's only been a week.

If you need to slow down on the trauma work, let T know. Please take extra care of yourself - try different things to help you sleep (I love Sleepytime Tea after a warm bath! And also Advil PM).

[zooropa]

thank you dream. After I told her that I heard her say she didn't BOTHER to get her messages, not that she couldn't get them, she said "that's probably what I said, but that's not what I meant" and she just apologized again. I can't even tell you how many times we've had problems around phone calls, T & I.

But she always tells me to keep calling her, and no matter how many times I get my feelings hurt or feel abandoned or rejected by her, I always seem to end up in that place where I feel like I have no choice but to reach out to her again by calling. I kind of hate myself for that, wish I could be strong enough to just quit calling her, but it seems like something eventually comes up & I end up calling her again. At the same time, I try to be mindful of something I learned in DBT: willfulness is shutting down; willingness is opening up. And try to open myself up to T, again. And again.

I think you're right, dream, that somehow I felt safe enough in there to have a flashback there. I have only ever had them at home alone before. It was horrible, having it happen in front of her, but I'm sure on some level she was glad of it because she was able to see what it's like for me. And maybe on some level I'm glad of it, too, for the same reason.

T said she would let me take the lead yesterday, we could talk about the trauma or not, we could talk about whatever. But I didn't know what to say, I don't know how to take the lead in there, I have never done that before and I'm not feeling strong enough right now to do that. I need her to lead me, but at the same time I do need to figure out how to know when to back off.
I have this part of me that just wants to push through, just get this over with, it's the way I approach problems in general in my life, and especially difficult ones. I just want to keep going and push and push & get it DONE. But I have a feeling that's not how it works with trauma work, that that approach isn't going to be effective, to put it in DBT terms. I guess I need to just talk about that, too, with T & let her know that I don't know how to titrate this myself so she's going to have to help me there, too.
Seriously, what would I do without her??

Originally Posted by zooropa

I have this part of me that just wants to push through, just get this over with, it's the way I approach problems in general in my life, and especially difficult ones. I just want to keep going and push and push & get it DONE. But I have a feeling that's not how it works with trauma work, that that approach isn't going to be effective, to put it in DBT terms.

((((((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))))))

Wow, can I relate to this. I can tell you from experience that (at least for me) that was NOT a good plan. In fact, I told T at one point that I wanted to do it that way, and he said something like "okay, but we'll have to be in the hospital with a bunch of people in white coats around". I know he was kidding, but then I really DID almost end up in the hospital.

T and I have a phrase we use: "keep swimming". And we realized together at one point that sometimes we just have to float. We can't swim and swim and swim and swim all the time. T helped me learn to rest, to let the waves carry me, to put my face back and feel the sun. It really IS about the journey and not the destination.

Sometimes trying to go faster ends up being slower...because we get SO overwhelmed that we have to completely put the brakes on everything...or even (in my case) slide backwards into old coping mechanisms. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself the time you need to find your footing every once in a while.

Lots of to you.

[zooropa]

thanks, tree
I know that at least part of the reason I feel rushed is that I don't know if I can work with T forever, I only have about 11 more months with her and then I don't know if she will ask for the contract to be extended and if she does, it might not go through. And of course whenever I try to talk about this with T she just says I'm worrying about the future too much, that none of us knows where we'll be tomorrow much less almost a year from now and that I shouldn't worry about it.
bottom line is that I can only do what I can do so I'm working on giving up on the idea of doing ALL my trauma work with T and just doing what I can, not trying to be so goal oriented, because I'm close to breaking now and we've only just begun.