Boundaries

Sorry, decided to delete.

What wrong writing ????
You can post whatever your want. The topic alone says alot. I have such a hard time with boundaries in therapy, makes me feel like the relationship is so unreal.
((((writingwithink))))))

Thanks for the note, hanginon:

I'm so embarassed over this, but here goes.

I need some advice. I have an internal part that's been trying very hard to sabotage the relationship with my new DID T before it's even started. We've only seen her about four times, and internally this part has said horrible things about her, and even cursing at her in an email recently after she invited this part to communicate. Just lovely!

Anyway, here's the part I feel so guilty over and don't really know what to do. This part has done an extreme amount of research on this T. I believe it's been a violation of her boundaries, and I just feel terrible. Types of info that's been discovered by this part: published writings by this T (which have been used in much of the internal bashing of her), family, marriage records, property records, etc. I have never experienced anything like this, and I'm just mortified. The part of me that has extreme boundaries and has set a moral creed of "always do what's right" feels the need to tell T, but is afraid she'll ask us to leave and never come back.

Additionally, in all of this boundary-violation-masked-as-research behavior, a potential resource has been uncovered that another part wants to take advantage of. It's a life coach (who could potentially be known by the T) who works with career professionals through the use of horses. So, the stellar worker part wants to go to this "horse" woman to work on career, but feels very inadequate about doing so because of the way in which the resource was uncovered.

Any advice would be helpful.

Peace,
writing

Writing, oh boy. Do I ever understand this! Yeppers :-( My angry alter 15yr old Mick tried to do to the same thing with T or ANYONE who came close to us at all. She was looking for a reason to keep up the internal walls. Something small just to hold it in my face and say "I told you so!"

My advice is to be totally honest with your T about what is going on. Don't let the alter hide away and smirk it over. You have to fight for your healing. That involves "outing" those parts of us who are abusing us. And trying to sabatoge our relationship with T is abuse - big time.

All the personal records that are public can be found by anyone. T's know that they are exposed in some ways. It would be a boundry issue if T did that to you. But you are the one healing up. So the only break of T confidence should be if you are not 100% honest about the situation.

Safe hugs!!

Wanting to know more about T sounds proactively protective of a deep fear. Public records are.. well, public .

All of this, the anger and the researching, are great things to take to therapy and talk about. Everything is important, and therapy is about exploring and learning, not about judging and punishing.

Thanks wpowers and echoes. Not even sure how to begin to tell her, but I feel so guilty. I will, though, eventually tell her. I think. I must say, wpowers, it makes feel better to hear someone else has experienced the same with an alter.

wpowers, did you tell your T?

Writingwiththink..I'm not sure how much you should or shouldn't tell your T..only you know when and how much you are ready to tell. I just wanted to say that I too have a "part" that likes to undermined my therapy and interactions with my T. Over tha past 2 months I have been more open to communicating with my T about the things this part thinks. My T has never seemed suprised or upset with this parts thoughts she just accepts them. I think telling my T about this part has been helpful though because my T sometimes antisipates some of the attacks and heads them off. This has made it a little easier for me to challenge the noise this part creates.

IDK...maybe you could just in some general way let your T know about this part, that it is a researching/fact finding machine that doesn't particular like her at the moment. This might be enough for now. In my case I simply started my disclosure with... "my small inner child likes you and trusts you...but unfortunately I seem to have this older teen part that sees you as a threat and doesn particularly care for you." My T's response was... Sounds typical of a teen, they tend not to trust anyone.

Yeppers. I tell T everything I can about it all. I just need to be able to do that with a T. I figured the only way to heal and get things together is to be able to tell T everything T needs to know to be able to help me. If I withhold any information, then T can't do his job. He is always respectful of the things I tell him about any of my alters. And he tends to stick up for Mick! He said she needs to be heard. So that has helped out a great deal. I thought he would be mad. But nope!

Thanks to all. I feel so much better after reading your posts.

wpowers, I've realized, like you, that to heal will require complete openness regardless of any embarassment I may feel.

Thanks again!

I had a simillar experience with my T. But it was more like i wanted to find out about him personally, and did things like look him up on social networking sites and googling him. i found out a little too much and i felt really guilty and emberrased. i never told him about it. i probably should. I think its completely natural to want to know what we can about our T's. They know everything about us, and we know nothing about them. that can be unsettling.

Try not to feel guilty. if she was to tell you to leave and never come back, it would be because she was embarassed about the info you found. I don't think thats very likely. i am sure she will understand. Good luck.

Not a multiple myself, but I did lots of "research" about my T. And probably found out things that I shouldn't have. However, she wasn't mad. She just said that it would be easier on me if we talked about it. Eventually I felt bad about knowing things about her that she didn't know I knew, so I gave her a folder with printouts of all the things that I had found. She wasn't angry though. She said I could ask her anything I wanted, although she wouldn't promise to answer.

-Far

Thanks for your reply. Don't think I'll give her a print out, but I'm glad that helped with you. I'm not sure how this will end up, but I just have to tell her at some point. I just want this therapeutic relationship to work. And being honest with her is the only thing I know that I can do on my end.

She's expressed hope that we will be able to work through disagreements because, evidently, our "working through" a recent appointment time miscommunication was a positive indication that we will be able to resolve problems between us. I hope so, but for some reason, "appointment time miscommunication" vs. "I may know more about you than you know about you" doesn't seem like a solid comparison.

I do feel better, though, after reading everyone's experience.

Thanks,
writing