[BlueMoon6]

Today's session with ftt was heavy. We convered a lot of ground. I think the feedback I get here and suggestions are really helping me to have more productive sessions.

We started with the some follow-up about my husband. Im glad she understands and takes a different approach than dt did with what I tell her. I didnt want to focus on that too much and then spend the entire session taking about the marriage, which I could easily have done. We've talked about spirtuality before, but we had a more in depth conversation today. This came up for a lot of reasons, personal beliefs about death and if my father could really hurt me in some kind of supernatural way, which is a fear I have floating around in my head. We talked about flashbacks. I do not really understand what flashbacks are, but we were talking about specific instances/memories/fears I have and she said they were flashbacks. She called them PTSD reactions to everyday situations. This seems to happen all the time and I am used to it. This was all the beginning of the session. I remembered Tree suggesting that is was OK to switch course when I want to go in another direction, so I did.

I mentioned that I felt like I wanted to get to deeper things, but wasnt sure how. I brought up a couple of possible topics, but anytime I mention either of my parents and talking about how I was treated or experienced them, I dont want to go there. It looks like I have to go there in an "indirect" way. I brought up food. She asked me directly if I was eating and how it was going. We talked about my feelings about what I was eating, how much and my weight. And my feelings about my body. This was so difficult, but I knew I had to go deeper with this rather than talk about how I need to put on weight. I was very glad she saw that I was making some kind of progress, that I am eating to keep my weight above 110 and that I was 114 today and I am still eating normally. Normally for me. We were talking about a higher weight goal, and I said I wasnt willing to do that yet. Im not willing to tolerate that much food. Which brough us to where the feelings about my body come from.

I am even afraid about to write abou this here. We talked about my father who was a photographer and how I was seen as an object by him. Not as a little girl. I could not talk about specific instances, even some I could sort of remember. I felt (feel) embarrassed and even still feel protective of him. It is very, very difficult not to feel shame even if intellectually I know it was not my fault. When I was a little girl, I was chubby (at least I thought I was, when I look at pictures, I look like a normal weight), very active and "noisy" (that was what I was told). I felt that if I wasnt so "there" and there wasnt so much of me, he wouldnt have seen me in that way. It was my fault because of how I was. I feel dirty and digusting that I caused him to be that way to me. It was a revelation to me to connect how I felt as a child about my body and how I feel now. Knowing still does not take away the fear, the terror of being "present", but we talked a lot about safety and that these things arent going on today. The strong need to be almost "disappeared" and not noticed, and that If I am noticed, I will be hurt. Ftt said is a reaction to abuse. She said she has worked with sex offenders and that they all see their "vicitms" as objects and not people. And that I have been taught to treat myself as an object. That when I SI, it is to an object, not to a person. She compared it to my younger daughters. I began to cry. I could feel compassion for my little girls. She asked if they had been subjected to abuse, would it be their fault, because of their bodies or if they were quiet or noisy? I cried and cried for them. Even thought they were not abused. She said I am seeing my (self) little girl thorugh them. And we talked about the ways in which they trigger the little girl in me and I get frightened. I see them this way a lot, and see the abused little girl inside of me through them. I also saw my teenage girls that way when they were small. But that I am able to treat them as my children, and not parent them out of these fears, for the most part. This was really good for me to recognize.

Even though I wrote all of this out, there is still so much more. At the end of the session, she said to me, "It is a lot, how are you doing?" and I said, "Good, I think I can return to daily life." I felt relieved when I left, even though it was painful and I didnt go into specifics about csa. I still feel like I cannot. Maybe I dont need to, or if I feel it is pushing at me, then I will. I left with a "lighter" kind of feeling, maybe this is what healing is.

[darkrunner]

Oh my goodness.....(((((((((((((Blue Moon)))))))))))))
That is SO MUCH.
Your T sounds really wonderful.
I'm so glad you felt comfortable switching directions. I like hearing how you have gotten encouragement from others here and how that is helping. I feel the same way.

It was a revelation to me to connect how I felt as a child about my body and how I feel now.

Maybe these kind of 'revelations' and the resulting awareness are what we will use to heal.
Kind of a like - connect-the-dots to solve the puzzle.
I'm sorry how painful it is though.

I am also amazed how you can do SO MUCH work in one session, and still make a comment about how you haven't gone into specifics. Be patient with yourself, dear Blue! When it is the right time, you will know.
I wish I had time to write more......
be extra good to yourself today, ok?

[theave]

Wow, that sounded like an exhausting session - I am glad that you were able to leave feeling lighter - maybe that is healing, as you said.

What you said about how you felt about your body as a child struck a chord with me - something I've found very difficult to express. It sounds like you found a way of expressing compassion to yourself as a child - that seems like a huge step forward to me, and it is great to hear that your T is so supportive.

Look after yourself

((((((((((((((blue)))))))))))))))))))

Wow, you did such good work....and it sounds like you came to some really deep and important realizations. I am so proud of you It seems like you and ftt are a perfect fit

[zooropa]

wow!! It really WAS a heavy session, blue! You are so brave to go in there & be able to talk about these things with T, even when it's hard, even when you don't want to. That takes a lot of strength and courage. And then to come post them here. It helps us all when you do that, thank you for sharing it with us.

I feel the same way about the support and feedback I get here, it has changed the way I think & feel about my sessions & I think has changed my therapy for the better because of it.

I can relate to that "lighter" feeling, it feels good! I hope it sticks with you. I'm so proud of you!!

Wow Blue,

Intense indeed. I want to reply more but the stuff you are talking about seem to hit me hard for some reason. The wanting to disappear thing, I feel this all the time when I am feeling threatened, my T and I talk about it all the time. It is safety mechanism that we had to use to get through this kind of stuff.

I think I do too what you did, tell T usually in an email that I want to go deeper and by the time I get to her office, I am already surrounded by protective shields. IT is hard, but I think the fact we want to go there, even if we don't yet because we probably aren't totally ready, it is okay. It is progress. Normally I wouldn't even suggest "going there." now it almost feel possible.

You are brave Moon, therapy takes guts!

[rainbow8]

(((((Blue))))),

I, too am very proud of you!! What a productive session!! I'm so impressed with both you and ftt. You're going deeper, like you want to do, yet you left feeling "lighter." All good stuff. I know it's hard, but will be SO worth it for you.

Blue What a deep, intense session! Good for you, I see such growth and progress! And I'm thrilled that you found ftt and that she is helping you so much, and that you feel safe with her. Good work, my friend!!!

[BlueMoon6]

Thanks everyone. I am having some kind of reaction today to the session. I am feeling.....somewhat more....something...I cant even name the feeling. Its as if a piece of the puzzle that is my story has come together. The outline of my story is coming together. But I am feeling fear and it is coming out in my feelings about my body and my food. How can I talk about all of that yesterday and wake up this morning afraid to eat and wanting the numbers to go down. I lost another pound. I feel safer, yet like I failed. Talking about it is supposed to make me stronger, I understand more, but I am afraid. I am feeling very anxious this morning, but without a clear reason why.

When I talk about the shame I feel about my father, I seem to feel less shame in one respect, but more shame and fear in another respect. Ive ben found out, I should not have said anything. Now its clear my children come from bad "genes" or bad grandparents. At least my husband's parents sound like they were good people (they are not alive, either). Sigh.

I have therapy every monday. Tuesday is my easier day so I can sleep in with my 2 yo. I like that because she makes me feel peaceful. When I woke up, I realized I had a dream about my PC friends. Can you imagine? I have never met anyone or know what anyone looks like, but some of you showed up in my dream. I was in my bedroom with my 2 yo and my 5 yo. We were making a "set up" with their dolls in the dollhouse, arranging the furniture and the dolls to make a cozy family. But I was confused and my children were doing it and i was trying to help them, but I kept feeling comfused and the dolls wouldnt stand up. Then, one by one, a couple of friends from PC came in and set up the dolls and they could stand. I didnt understand why they could stand for them and not me. What was I doing wrong? But I liked the doll set up they made. At some point, I remembered I had to take my son (my 9 yo)to basketball. I ran outside quickly to take him, but my car wouldnt start (which happened the other day and a friend had to come and "jump" the battery), but then, one by one, my PC friends came out and without another car (!) jumped the battery and my car started. This went on and on because the car would stop and start and stop and start and I felt like a failure with a stupid car. Eventually it started and I went to basketball with my son. Something else happened in there, but I cant remember. I think it tells me I depend on you here. Any other interpretations?

I think just allow yourself to feel whatever it is (even if you can't label it)

I love your dream! I think PC friends do have away to help us stand up when we fall, help start us up when we are not working well. So now I am wonder how you picture us? lol Do I look like a big cyclops because of my picture? lol I had my daughter take that picture of me looking through our fence for a creative assignment for class. I thought the knot in the wood looked like part of my eye.

[BlueMoon6]

Exotic- I can relate to that a lot. Maybe not to tell her in an email? Maybe not to prepare yourself too much before the session? I have tried it both ways, preparing and not preparing. WIth different outcomes. I knew I wanted to go deeper, but I had not plan in mind of how or what I wanted to go deeper into. I felt a strong need to feel young feelings. To get some feeling out. I get a little anxioous about not having prepared much for a session, except for bringing in my journal and re-reading some of the things I wrote. I began sufacey but things I needed to talk about and then changed course. I offered ftt some topics and she chose food. SHe started asking me some questions, which to me meant I must look like this is a pressing issue. But knowing I wanted to go deeper led ME into feelings. *I* had to do it. I could have stuck with surfacey things there,too. Maybe, Exotic, start with something from the present that brings up strong feelings, whatever it may be, and delve into where that one feeling may come from. It can lead to deeper, childhood feelings.

Oh! I and I LOVE your avatar. I feel like that oftten.......

[Sannah]

Moon, I am so happy for your very productive and helpful session! I like your interpretation of your dream. I see your therapy session as working on the mental part of your issues but now the feeling part of your issues is coming out (the fear). This progression sounds normal, keep working (at your own pace).

[zooropa]

I forgot to say this when I replied, but the wanting to disappear thing is really true for me, too. It's my biggest wish, at times, that I could just be invisible & disappear. It's what makes therapy so hard for me, to sit there & really let her see me, to be so closely observed, when I really want to just go through life as invisibly as possible.

Originally Posted by zooropa

I forgot to say this when I replied, but the wanting to disappear thing is really true for me, too. It's my biggest wish, at times, that I could just be invisible & disappear. It's what makes therapy so hard for me, to sit there & really let her see me, to be so closely observed, when I really want to just go through life as invisibly as possible.

I used to wish that I'd disappear when my mother was yelling at me. And I found myself wanting to disappear the session after T's and my misunderstanding - I told T that yesterday, even as I slumped down on the couch and still fought that feeling!

I only have a minute, but I just had to say...what an awesome dream!! I dreamt once about PC too. I love knowing that there are caring, loving people here who know JUST what it feels like, you know??

to you, sweet PC friend

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by dreamseeker9

I used to wish that I'd disappear when my mother was yelling at me. And I found myself wanting to disappear the session after T's and my misunderstanding - I told T that yesterday, even as I slumped down on the couch and still fought that feeling!

I had this feeling, too. I remember my mother yelling at me with such a lack of care for me. No thought for me or how I would feel at her reprimands. She went on and on with such energy. I think, now as an adult, the anger she directed at me was for her, her anger directed at me. I felt like I wanted to disappear. I think I felt invisible. That I must be really, really bad to make her this angry.

It doesnt go away so easily. Zoo- I relate to that in therapy, too. Sitting with ftt and knowing she is not my mother and I am safe is not enough to rescue me from the fear of getting bashed when I am vulnerable.

Thanks, Tree And everyone else. It was very nice to "see" everyone in my dream

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

It doesnt go away so easily. Zoo- I relate to that in therapy, too. Sitting with ftt and knowing she is not my mother and I am safe is not enough to rescue me from the fear of getting bashed when I am vulnerable.

it seems so obvious, when you say it like that Blue, but I hadn't realized it before. That's what it is, being afraid of being so vulnerable in therapy, because of being hurt when I was vulnerable in the past. I keep myself closed up and "safe" most of the time now because of that but in therapy I'm letting T see the real Zooropa and that is so scary. She could hurt me so much. Heck, she *has* hurt me, but it's that old fear from my childhood. People who I trust hurt me and leave me.
I just want Harry Potter's invisibility cloak to wear at all times, just so no one can see me, just so no one can hurt me any more.
sorry for threadjacking, blue

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, what an incredibly intense session!!! It amazes me how much you are able to delve into and the insights that come from it. I am always filled with way too much fear to go that far. I am too resistant. Ugh.

I love your dream...I always know that I have a place to go for support here.

[BlueMoon6]

Zoo- That is what I feel, too. That it feels so uncomfortable and opposed to anything I have ever done to protect myself to go to therapy and be open and vulnerable. I could get bashed, hurt, left alone. The beauty is, the more we are open, the greater ability we have to trust and be more open. We can watch ourselves not get bashed, hurt, left alone etc. It is safe and the world is probably a lot safer than we ever inmagined it could be. In RL, it might just come down to making good choices for partners and friends. People we can trust and feel safe with.

You are SO not threadjacking! I want to hear everyone's story.

MUE- but I know you could, you do here. You open up a lot. I know it is safer online, but you have posted a lot here about yourself. I truly believe you could do it in therapy with T.