Angry....

I went to group T tonight. After group, my T posts notes on a private blog that only our group can see. He posted comments about me being less self-restrained and gave some examples of what I did tonight to support that...Then, he asked, "Have you created enough security for yourself to take this next risk?"....

WHY is that making me feel so ANGRY?

I feel as though he wants me to work through issues relating to my childhood, the physical abuse (which I barely touched on in group), the sexual abuse, etc. in group T.

Why on EARTH would I do that with a group of people who probably don't give a rats behind about hearing about my problems, where I've been called a "drama queen"...These people are here for their own reasons and I'm sure do not want to listen to the woes of my past that I haven't faced or worked through.

AND it's gestalt therapy at that....Isn't that about dealing with the "here and now"?

UGH. I am just so irritated right now....

((mixedup))
I'm not in a good place to respond right now, but I want you to know that you are supported and I completely understand your anger and frustration. I will come back with more soon.

Thank you.

I wish I understood better why I am feeling such anger about it...

Typically, we are to respond to the feedback that we get on the blog, and the goal is to be as authentic as possible with how we feel. Well, I feel ANGRY....and I am not quite sure how to express that on the blog when I don't quite understand why I am feeling this way. UGH. So frustrating!

I'm sorry that you are not in a good place right now, sw628...Please know that you can reach out here for support. I'm here for you too.

this might help you to understand gestalt therapy approach. http://www.minddisorders.com/Flu-Inv...t-therapy.html

unless he stated he wants you to go deeper into focusing on the abuse he may have meant that he was wondering if you were feeling like you were ready to go beyond focusing on the abuse and past and now focus on the present. for some people who have lived in dysfunctional families most of their life reaching beyond that to a positive life where the past doesn't have to affect the present is a scary thing.

I would ask him what he meant by the question so that you can be clear what that nest step is that he feels may be risky to you.

I think I would feel angry too. I don't know if your reaction is similar to mine, but in that situation, I would feel angry because I was working at opening up, at my own pace, and this would make me feel pressured, or like I wasn't trying hard enough -- like, manipulated into talking about things, and that if I didn't talk about them, that made me someone who "wasn't willing to take risks" rather than someone who was deciding what she wanted to say. You know? It's your choice what you get out of the group, who is T to tell you that you "need to take a risk?"

Also, is he somehow suggesting to the group that there's something he knows that you don't know? That is, did he somehow "reveal" you in his suggestion that you even HAVE a risk to take? If so, that would also make me angry.

If you don't want to open up to this group, you have a right to do that. That doesn't make you "not a risk-taker" or a bad group member. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. I think that's the part that would make me angry, feeling like T was saying the opening up I already did wasn't good enough.

Hmm, so is that definitely what he was implying, that the "next risk" is for you to open up in group about your past? Any chance he meant something else? Maybe you could clarify that in your individual session?

Do other people in your group work through those type of issues there too or would you be the only one doing that? I have never done group T, so I'm not sure how it works, but I could definitely imagine not wanting to share everything with a group, and definitely not until it was your choice and you felt ready. At least it seems like his comment on the board was vague enough that it didn't clue the group in on anything you didn't want them to know yet?

Triggers can be good if they help you learn more about yourself -- I hope you can figure out why this particular statement was so triggering for you. I definitely think sharing (or not) should be your choice.

Thanks, Jexa! That is exactly what I'm feeling - pressured. And I'm not liking it one bit. And because my group T is also my individual T, he knows more about me and my situation. I could tell earlier in the session that he was manipulating just by how he steered one other person a certain way, so that I would feel "safer" in group. It makes me more angry, but at the same time, I know he's trying to get me to feel safe in group so that I can work on my issues.

But I still don't "get it". It's not like this is a typical support group where people have common struggles. It's about people learning to be authentic with themselves and others....learning how to make contact....etc. I just don't see how delving into my past with THIS group is called for.

And honestly, I know of at least one or two people in the group who have no desire to pay $40 per session to hear me cry about my woes.

Maybe I should look into joining a different kind of support group, tailored to abused women or something. I don't know. I'm just so frustrated right now.

Thanks. I do feel that the anger is a result of feeling pressured.

I think when I get really angry, and that takes place usually quite a long time after whatever triggers it, I feel as though I have been exposed to too much stress, without sufficient support. Often I feel as though I have been "tricked" or "suckered" into believing I had more support than it turns out I did have. I would have been better served without the false promises, even promises which are only implied and never stated openly (such as that therapy is supposed to actually work, nevermind how).

mixedup, i have questioned before and i am still questioning why you continue to return to this group. i don't recall when you started with them but i have never once seen you post anything positive that has come out your sessions there.

i am not saying the people in your group are bad, or that your T is not a wonderful group leader - but i do question whether the dynamic in the group is the right fit for what you need right now.

now of course i will support whatever decision you make, and i promise this will be the absolute last time i ever question your continuinig attendance there. but since this is also the last time, let me open & frank. i am good at holding grudges and i am still furious at your therapist for not stepping in when your group ganged up on you that time. you keep excusing the way the group runs because it is 'gestalt', but imho, your therapist is just treating this as a money mill if he gets to sit back for an hour and contribute nothing other than what other (unqualified) people could also contribute. you are paying for his expertise and guidance, but if the "point" of gestalt is that the therapist makes a minimal contribution then why have him at all? why not find a group of people who want to focus on feelings and just meet up for a good $40 dinner once a week instead?

you posted a week or so ago that you had a different leader when your T was away and that you found it to be a really positive experience because she was more directive. so i guess my question is why continue with something less that ideal when you know there are alternatives out there that can really help you? as you said yourself, everyone goes to group for their own reasons but i consistently see you holding yourself back because of what others in the group might think or say. why is it acceptable for you to sideline your concerns because others don't want to hear about it? are you really paying $40 an hour because you want to hear about theirs? if gestalt is meant to be more about processing feelings (situations different, but everyone can relate to feelings) then why can't the group make an effort to relate to yours?

eta: just wanted to add that you dont need to justify yourself to me - i trust you to decide what's in your best interests . but if you would like to hash it out i'm all ears.
eta2: and obviously there is something going on for me in responding so strongly too, so i'm sorry that my own filters are probably interfering.

Thanks, Deli, for being so honest with your feelings...and for even remembering my situation with group!

There are SO many times that I've questioned this very thing - is this the right group for me.

Yet, I keep coming up with reasons that keep me there. I have learned a lot in this group. But, yes, I hold back A LOT about my own issues specifically because there are people there that I know have no interest in my struggles in life...and that is a roadblock for me. So, I struggle with this week after week.

I seem to have convinced myself that this group is to help me learn certain skills about how to interact with people....learn how to be more genuine, honest and assertive - but it is not the type of group where I can work on my actual "issues". *sigh*

One of my close friends at work knows about what I've been dealing with in group, and she too wonders why I even still go.

I keep thinking that there will be this "a-ha" moment when it all clicks, and that I'll "get it"....and it'll all have been worthwhile. That has not yet happened.

I wonder if anyone else has experiences with gestalt group therapy who could chime in...

I sometimes envision what the outcome would be if I were to purge my struggles in group. If people are to express feelings - fine - but what purpose does that serve? How does that help me? I have no clue. Gestalt therapy is not about giving advice - and even if it was, why would I want to take advice from non-professionals? If there were people who went through similar experiences, perhaps that would be of help - but then it might be better to be part of a more specialized group.

Another thing is that I have become attached to some of the people in my group and genuinely care about them. Others, not so much.

So, I struggle on....giving it "a chance"....but how long of a chance does it deserve? That, I don't know.

(((((((( MUE )))))))))

I don;t blame you for being angry! I could NEVER do a group but that's just me I guess.

I noticed that when you described the issues of the other people in your group, you seemed to mention everything under the sun except abuse; and I just thought I would tell you something.

My T has had a career of many decades, and has done a lot of groups. One day the subject came up and she commented that she would never, ever recommend group for trauma work (e.g., CSA, SA, etc).

I would say there are great groups out there that do work on trauma work. One of my best experiences and probably one of the most healing was a group with about 8 incest survivors supervised by two therapists. I learned to FEEL in that group. I was so closed off to my own pain. I learned to see my innocence and to put the guilt where it belongs in that group. I learned how strong I am in that group. The trick is finding the right fit.

If your group isn't the right fit, you'll have to decide what to do. Talk to your to about your reaction to the blog. I doubt that the purpose was to pressure you, but regardless, it did. It sounded like he was trying to praise you and encourage you. It just didn't sit that way with you. That's very valid. Let him know that.

Thanks....

I really am going to give the idea of leaving this group some serious consideration. Even just this week, one person posted something on the blog...and I responded with a LOT of feeling about what I'm going through....And got NOTHING. No feedback. No response. Nothing.

Then, I posted about another experience that I was proud of, but also afraid of.

NOTHING, NADA, ZIP, ZILCH....No feedback. No support.

At first, I thought, perhaps no one was checking the blog. But then, one person posted a question to another person...and that person responded. SO, that means that they ARE reading the blog....

So, I came right out and posted that I am disappointed and discouraged by the lack of feedback on the blog. I said that I realize that it is not an obligation - and we are in the midst of the holiday season which is a busy time. But I would like to know if it’s due to lack of interest or perhaps something else.

No response. Yet another person posted something else.

WTF?

Needless to say, it's something I am going to address tomorrow in group. I do understand that the blog is optional...and that this is not a "support group" per se....BUT, if they are not going to be supportive or interested, then I will need to seriously consider joining a group more geared to meeting my needs.