[sw628]

Hello All. Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've not been in a good place and needed a bit of a break.

I posted a while back about the ruptures T and I were having and how she reminded me so much of BlueMoon's desk T. Well, i'm not sure what happened, but there has been a significant change for the better. Over the last month, T and I wer finally able to get around our ruptures and connect, which is so conducive to my healing. Last night's session consisted of fingerpainting. A few weeks ago i mentioned to T that as a child I NEVER had the chance to do kid things such as fingerpaint. At a very young age we were in charge of watching and caring for my younger siblings until my siblings and i were finally sent to foster care. My T also does art therapy so this just fit right in. It was a strange and overwhelming experience for me becasue I had so many feelings come up. I remember being so thrilled to have the freedom to get my hands dirty and let go of the "young adult" me. I could get things messy and dirty and not be chastized or beaten because of it. I also felt heard and understood. While were were painting, T kept asking me questions about life and my poetry. She was genuinely interested in "me" and I felt so relieved that I was finally being heard. I remember saying, " T can I ask you a question? She responded, "Anything you want sweetie". From that point during session, I began to have deep longings for mothering come up. I've always had these issues, but I've managed to ignore their existence. I remember watching T's hands as she added each color to her abstract design. I wanted to hold her hands and lie in her lap with the messy fingerpaint and all. I also noticed that T was wearing a really low cut shirt that clearly exposed her breast. Almost falling out of the shirt. It bothered me, however it was comforting in some strange way. A sort of maternal comfort. ( this is SO WEIRD for me.. i apologize).

At the end of session T and I shared a nice long hug and we sort of gazed into each other eyes for a minute. I could feel myself get very nervous, lose my breathe and become very frightened. :eek I think that whatever connection we shared scared the crap out of me. I remember leaving session and feeling SOOO overstimualted that I needed to not talk to T for a few days even though session could not have gone any better. Why is that?
Am i fearful of the intimacy with T? Even thinking about it scares me. I've always known that T and I shared a very special and rare connection even when we do have our ruptures.

((((((((((((((((sw)))))))))))))))))) That sounds like a really powerful session.

My T and I have shared some intensely intimate times together. At first, I did find it really overwhelming and scary. It felt good at the time, but I was sure later he would come to his senses and realize that I was *ME* and that he had made a huge mistake. Something about being so intimate and vulnerable really brought up a huge fear of being unwanted and hurt.

Now when T and I share and especially close or intimate session, I'm able to let the good feelings in, and give him a big hug and feel good and secure. But it took a lot of practice to get to this point.

You are working hard, sw...you will get there

[sw628]

Thanks Tree!!
I feel so much better knowing that I am actually making great progress. Yes, it was really intense and scary at the time. I re-read what I wrote and felt so embarassed. I know you are also making great strides with your T. You have overcome so much this week! Even though I don't post very often, I'm always reading and rooting for you.

Congrats on an awesome session, what a connecting moment with your T! The intimacy can absolutely be intimidating and frightening, but it can also be healing and so rewarding, to feel that it's possible to have that safe connection with someone, and to take that feeling to the 'real' world relationships.

[ECHOES]

sw628
Your hug with T sounds so nice!!

It reminded me of the hug that launched my journey. I wasn't sure about seeking help, and this tall and kind of large and kind of frightening-looking psych nurse did my intake interveiw. She sat on one side of a desk asking questions and filling in forms; I sat on the other side of the desk squirming and making really good eye contact with the carpet.
After the interview we stood up, she came around from behind her desk to the side and motioned me toward her. HUH?! ("Oh, great, I thought to myself--one of those touchy-feely places. crap!") As she gave me the biggest, solid, unhurried, most memorable hug of my life, she said "It will bet better." It was wonderful and too much at the same time. But mostly wonderful. I can still feel it 13 years later.

[mixedup_emotions]

That sounds like an amazing moment....and I'm sure it would evoke scary, overwhelming feelings for me as well.

I couldn't imagine my T ever doing that...and I know he wouldn't. Funny, because one of my group members goes to individual therapy with my T, and she was having a rough time.

While my T was on vacation, she made an appt with my ex-husband's T - reaching out to him while my T was away (which I was told I could do as well). My ex-husband's T is so warm, caring and affectionate. He gives the greatest hugs....Sooooo different from my T.

This week, my group member is doing so much better - and she commented that this other T gave her a big hug and that was what she needed - to be held. That was powerful to me, and awesome that she was able to admit that....She had a need that "our" T would not fill, and this other T would - and did.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by sw628

Am i fearful of the intimacy with T? Even thinking about it scares me. I've always known that T and I shared a very special and rare connection even when we do have our ruptures.

I don't know about you SW, but fearfulness is possible - I have it.

in terms of intiimacy (having much to do with trust), it seems that I can go just so far and no further,. I can't imagine the closeness you experienced, and if I try to picture your experience I find myself physically pushing it away.

Recently I thought that T and I had finally reached the sea bottom... and then she hinted that this is just a coastal shelf we're on, that there is a lot more depth below that, and I am terrified.

[susierose]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I don't know about you SW, but fearfulness is possible - I have it.

in terms of intiimacy (having much to do with trust), it seems that I can go just so far and no further,. I can't imagine the closeness you experienced, and if I try to picture your experience I find myself physically pushing it away.

Recently I thought that T and I had finally reached the sea bottom... and then she hinted that this is just a coastal shelf we're on, that there is a lot more depth below that, and I am terrified.

I do the same...push it away too! I am so scared of getting close to my T and clam up and swallow what ever feeling i had back down.

[moonrise]

What a lovely post, sw. I think I long for that type of intimacy, but am frightened by it. Letting someone in, letting them see the real, raw us is hard. It opens us up for rejection, for a deeper level of hurt. But also a deeper level of connection and understanding. Good for you for taking the step.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Recently I thought that T and I had finally reached the sea bottom... and then she hinted that this is just a coastal shelf we're on, that there is a lot more depth below that, and I am terrified.

SAWE, I love this analogy, though I can certainly understand why you would be terrified by the thought of going so much deeper. I felt that way myself this week, I felt like I hit bottom and then released the sadness and pain, and then T told me behind all that sadness lurks SHAME! And as soon as she said it, I knew she was right. Who wants to deal with that? But then I have to remember that reaching that sadness was hard work, and releasing it was the most healing moment for me in therapy thus far. So even though there's a lot of hard work still ahead, there will also be even more healing moments. And we can get through it all!