[Kiya]

As some know, things have been rough with T and I. Months of discontent for us, a painful rupture a month ago, repairs and withdrawing... told me i was mentally ill.... told me she can't help me and i need to see a specialist.... refuses to acknowledge any progress i have made, even when i list them....
Today i have had a very bad sore throat, so i had to cancel. end of last session i told her i need to hear her verify some progress i ahve made. and now i don't get to be there. she makes a pretty big deal of it too about us having this contract to meet each week. i think she's even going to be gone next week or two. but this morning i was sure i had strep throat. so i canceled. i could probably go in now (at least I can swallow) but i know i am contageous. She's probably grateful i don't bring her my sickness. and she gets to go home an hour early.
anyway. part of me doesn't even care becuase we've been withdrawing from her anyway - this whole specialist business, sure she wants to ditch me at some point. But some yonger part cried. grrrr. i dunno anymore.
one week at a time i guess.

[lily99]

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Kiya))))) Im so sorry this all has been happening with T. I know you are SO attached to her and want to continue to see her....only her
And I am so sorry you have such a bad sore throat. Did you get it cultured? Please take good, gentle care of Kiya tonight. Can you drink a cup of hot something? Tea? Do you have a good book to read, not homework. Just act in a loving way toward your sick sore throat?

I wish I had some words of wisdom about T. Is she SO sure she cannot help all of you? If not, and I have followed how you are feeling about these ruptures with her, but is it impossible to imagine seeing someone with more experience with DID? Im sure it wont be as if you never talk to T again or have another session, Im sure she owuldnt cut you off. Oh, Kiya. Its sad to see you so upset and confused about her for so long

Take care of Kiya tonight. I wish I could wrap a big blanket around you and feed you a cup of warm soup.....

[Kiya]

Thank you Lily, Thank you Bluey (brought tears to my eyes).
I kinda expected T to give me a call tonight... ok like 80% expected. No call. *sigh*.
I know you're right Blue... well, i am hoping you're right =(
I have been drinking warm tea all day... taking ibuprofin and such. reading and sleeping between never ending phonecalls (why only when I'm trying to sleep??).

It is weird too... i am more than half not sad about missing session, where as last year i was near hysterical with the damn snowfall. shoveled and shovelled and learned that T was not going anywhere. but... underneath that... there is a strange, forelorn saddness.
and i don't know at this point if i am seeing t next week or not.

[crystalrose]

I think T should have called you. It would have been nice if she did. I don't know what you should do. I think your T sounded lovely in your other posts and I was wondering can you see the specialist and T at the same?

[pegasus]

I don't know, it can't be good to be told you haven't made any progress. The thing is I can see you have made progress just from your writing here. You are writing more about your feelings now than you did a year ago. Now if I can see progress just from reading here then why can't your therapist see the progress? Might be an idea to move on anyway Kiya.

Hugs

[Sannah]

I can definitely see progress but we get to see more of you than T does...........

[sw628]

(((kiya))
I'm so sorry that you are sick I just got over a nasty bug as well. Hope you feel better. I have been exactly where you are in therapy. Rupture after rupture. I took a break from T during the thanksgiving week and found it to be very helpful.... Sometimes we just need a little break to process and understand where we are and what we need to work on in session. Do you think you could maybe read this post to T? I think you hit on a lot of important points.

If you told her you were sick, she probably didn't call because she didn't want to bother you while you were sick.

[TayQuincy]

She might not call because she is expecting you to contact her when you want another appointment. Lots of people say they are sick just to avoid going to a difficult session. do you think she might think you are withdrawing? A long time ago I had a T who expected me to come in even when i was sick or else pay her still for the missed appointment. I was quite upset because I really wanted to be there but was worried about being contagious and getting her sick. I figured I was doing HER a favor, but she was going to charge me anyway. I never canceled a session after that!! I just showed up nomatter how sick I was. Once I showed up with a fever and she wrapped me up in a blanket and held me. She was very nurturing, so that I loved. Hope you feel better and can work out your problems with T.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

If you told her you were sick, she probably didn't call because she didn't want to bother you while you were sick.

Hmmm. An assumption.

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Hmmm. An assumption.

Probably. Would you call someone who's probably in bed sleeping off strep throat, or would you try not to disturb them? What's your point?

[Kiya]

Sorry this is long, everyone, I am only doing one long copy and paste reply since I feel like I’m gonna fall right outta my chair. Thank you for all the responses!

Originally Posted by crystalrose

I think T should have called you. It would have been nice if she did. I don't know what you should do. I think your T sounded lovely in your other posts and I was wondering can you see the specialist and T at the same?

Yeah, I thought so too… I was hoping and kept my phone near me at all times. Each time the phone rang and woke me I thought “is it t???” nope. So then I thought she might call at my scheduled time…. Nope. Or an email… nope. Me – attached? Yeah I guess I still am. *sigh*

Originally Posted by pegasus

I don't know, it can't be good to be told you haven't made any progress. The thing is I can see you have made progress just from your writing here. You are writing more about your feelings now than you did a year ago. Now if I can see progress just from reading here then why can't your therapist see the progress? Might be an idea to move on anyway Kiya.

Thanks Pegasus. Yeah I have been hemming and hawing (such a strange phrase) over that same thing. I can see progress in me – why can’t she? Why does my progress have to equal her definition? I meant to send her an email stating the things I have just recently made progress on; learning to NOT make upsetting things a crisis… but I forgot. Guess I need to make that a priority today (still at home, sick – at least the throat is a bit better).

Originally Posted by sannah

I can definitely see progress but we get to see more of you than T does...........

Hmmm well that’s a good point. And I guess T sees lack of progress in that after 2 years I am still unable to hold down a 40 hour a week job (even a part time job), still deal with anxiety, still haven’t made the house changes she deems necessary, still have troubles with eating 3 balanced meals a day or creating any kind of schedule I can stick too… and last but probably not least, that “we haven’t done therapy” (aka trauma work, EMDR, hypnotheray…) only “supportive therapy” which she does not feel is important. So, in her eyes I can see… well what I see is dissapointment and sadness in that. And yet there are so many things I have accomplished.

Sw628 thanks. Yeah working in schools… prone to bugs. And a kid coughed on me! @_@ *sigh*. T and I have been talking about this for over a month now… like it is this invisible barrier between us. I can’t figure out what she wants and she can’t figure out how to help me. What a mess.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

If you told her you were sick, she probably didn't call because she didn't want to bother you while you were sick.

Yep, I’d sure thought of that. Thanks. I was still hoping for an email. I also keep wondering if I did right by not going. I mean, I’m sure I did – she has stated before how sick people still come in to see her…. And then she ends up with it and still comes to work. Some cycle!

Originally Posted by Tay Quncy

She might not call because she is expecting you to contact her when you want another appointment. Lots of people say they are sick just to avoid going to a difficult session. do you think she might think you are withdrawing? A long time ago I had a T who expected me to come in even when i was sick or else pay her still for the missed appointment. I was quite upset because I really wanted to be there but was worried about being contagious and getting her sick. I figured I was doing HER a favor, but she was going to charge me anyway. I never canceled a session after that!! I just showed up nomatter how sick I was. Once I showed up with a fever and she wrapped me up in a blanket and held me. She was very nurturing, so that I loved. Hope you feel better and can work out your problems with T.

WOW! Well, a. no because she has set up my time indefinately for as long as we will work together. So no worries on scheduling (she’s going out of town so I am not sure about next week). B. Yeah I have heard that ppl will cancel because of that. I have never done so. I’ve only missed for weather (snow) or illness – so I think maybe 3 times in the last 2 years. C. I am actually withdrawing emotionally because of this 4 month rupture and the shake up of all these issues. With her telling me I need to see a specialist, I know I am pulling away, even though she has said we will still work together weekly. Like a parent that just bought me a suitcase even while still being a year before the big move out (perhaps a strange analogy, but I remember when my parents bought me a suitcase for my 18th birthday… hint hint…)

I really find that weird that the T would want you to come in no matter how sick you were!!! And charge you if you didn’t (in 24 hours even? – I can understand charging with a shorter cancellation time). I am the last person of her day so if I am not there she gets to leave and doesn’t put anyone in that slot since I was an add-on already to her day.

I have also been with fever all thru last night so I am fairly sure she would not have wanted me there.

The good thing about T is that she always works to fit me in when she will be leaving or my day falls on a holiday. =) Lately things have just been so strained and my model of behavior is to just walk away. I used to fight back – but now days, it’s just not worth the effort anymore. I am trying to change that with t.

((((((((((((((Pachy, All))))))))))))))

Yeah, my t absolutely does NOT want you to come in if you are sick. He doesn't what whatever I've got and he doesn't want to pass it around. Generally though, he doesn't charge us when that happens. It's pretty unavoidable.

[Sannah]

Yeah, your T is looking for the big changes. We can see the little changes which are required before those bigger changes can take place. You can relay these little changes to us through your writing here. This is much more difficult to relay in therapy maybe. These little changes that we see are the most important ones because these are what cause permanent change and actual healing. These big changes that she wants do not really signify real healing because they are not part of your "foundation".

[SpottedOwl]

(((Kiya)))

I just want to say I see progress in you. Not just a little progress, but a LOT of progress.

Your posts are present, you are regulating your emotions while dealing with some difficult issues. You are still functioning, and practicing good self care.

I'm proud of you for canceling the session when you needed to stay home and care for yourself. I'm sorry T isn't validating your progress, but that doesn't mean its not there.

Keep up the excellent work, and I hope you feel better sooooooon!

[Kiya]

Thank you both. I went to the clinic to have some papers signed and happened to be there at the right time to see T come get her next client - so I asked her about scheduling, since she'll be out of town and never answered my phone call or email. Evidently she did read the email because she made reference to my being sick and said "Yes you did the right thing by not coming in." *phew!*
Oh side note here - I never seem to manage to appear sick or sound sick when I am sick, so in the past when I would call in to work, i would really lay it on thick so they didn't think i was faking! how sad is that?! I was afraid T thought I was faking and just didn't want to come in (which i have NEVER done in 2 years, but now with all these ruptures, who knows, eh?) i didn't try to make my voice "extra sick" sounding. Today she said "You sounded awful! But you appear to be much 'weller'."
So anyway, tonight i got a phone call from her cell - she told me that they are having a workshop tomorrow and I am welcome to come. PROGRESS! I've not been invited before - and early on she strictly said that she was worried I would trigger and not be in a safe place internally. HA! PROOF!!!! Kiya is doin' the progress dance!

[pachyderm]

Kiya is doin' the progress dance!

But don't get a swelled head yet!

[BlueMoon6]

Kiya!!!!!!!!!

I see so much progress in you, too! And, apparently T does, too! You have become stronger and much more aware. I am just tickled pink!!!!! What will the workshop be about???

You def did the right thing by not coming in (you must feel so relieved that she said that) and you will see her next week, right?

Do you still have a fever? How is your throat?

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Kiya ))))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

((((((((Fuzzy, Bluey, Pachy))))))))
Maybe not *swelled head* but definately acknowledging things!
I did well in the workshop =) It was the kind of thing where you state a problem area, you pick something - like a person involved, yourself, your decision, a health concern (headache, stomach ache) and then pick a group member to "play" that part. It is like therapy drama. Then you state what it is you need to hear, or what that person or part is saying to you, and then allow the group member to say it back to you. And you keep this going for a bit until there is some sense of completion. Sounds simple, but it is pretty powerful.
And I did well. T did show concern, kept checking in, told me I do not have to act out anything or go thru the process if I didn't want to. Then broke the group into 2 and came with our small group =)
Successes for me include; talking to 3 guys, staying in the room with a guy i don't particuarly like, working thru a mild panic/alter swap out on my own, participating in the process - even instigating it with t there who then walked me thru it, being present 905 of the day, planning ahead and double medicated the anxiety med (which I am allowed), and staying positive throughout. I took a lot away from it and was glad I went. =)
No - I don't see T this coming week, I don't think. She is out of town starting Tuesday (my session days are wed.) and I think that is why she had me come to the group - I missed last week, I'll miss this week... so I had 4 hours in group with her and then another 4 hours in a food workshop that she and 2 of my other Dr's host monthy on proper nutrition (then they serve all the goodies they made!).
As for being sick - I start to get better, then go out again amongst the cold and the people (or kids at work) and then get worse again. So the sinus infection is back and i am at home instead of a community party (which isn't a huge loss). I don't think I can work tomorrow either - it is way too cold to be on the brink of bronchitis and keep going out...

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Kiya

Successes for me include; talking to 3 guys, staying in the room with a guy i don't particuarly like, working thru a mild panic/alter swap out on my own, participating in the process - even instigating it with t there who then walked me thru it, being present 905 of the day, planning ahead and double medicated the anxiety med (which I am allowed), and staying positive throughout. I took a lot away from it and was glad I went. =)

This is a great list to show your T to help convince her that you are actually making progress. It sounds like this is a huge amount of progress!

((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))))!!!

I love that you can see all of the progress that you've made. It almost sounds meant to be...you missed your "let's talk about my progress" session with T, so you ended up going to this group, so you AND T both got to see, in action, all of the progress that you've made That is very cool!

[Kiya]

Sunny, Tree, thanks =) those cheered me up.
I also got an email from t:
"What great news! it is all coming together! I thought you did a great job at the workshop. See you next week. T"

[sunrise]

Yay!!

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