Losing Hope; Feeling Rejected by T

I'm feeling really cruddy right now. I can't help thinking my t wants to get rid of me.

A couple of weeks ago, i felt concerned that my t might be frustrated with me because of how complex my issues are and how hard it seems for me to make progress. And i felt that i hadn't been vocal enough about telling her how she has helped me. So i told her in my session two ways that i'd noticed i'd made progress in therapy over the past year. Then i asked her how she felt about my therapy, and if she got frustrated with me because it seemed so slow and hard for me to make progress? She said the progress i have made keeps her going, and she indicated that she wanted to keep working with me.

Then last week, we had what i considered to be a really important session, where i got up the courage to open up and share something really, really difficult to talk about. Since one of my biggest problems is letting my guard down and being able to come out of my shell and disclose things, i felt proud that i fought past my fear and shame and brought it up. It felt like progress to me. But toward the end of the session, when we were talking about how hard it is for me to feel safe enough to process my traumas, my t suggested i look into a different form of therapy that she doesn't practice. This is the second time in 9 months that she has suggested this to me.

I feel really upset now. This is the second time she has suggested to me that i look into this other kind of therapy. The first time she mentioned it was back in February, when we were having a major rupture and i was considering quitting therapy with her. At that time, i told her i didn't want to change therapists and we worked things out.

So why is she bringing this up again now?

It makes me feel like deep down, she "doesn't" think our therapy is working, and she wants me to get a new therapist. Because if she thought our therapy was working, why suggest that i investigate other types of therapy that she doesn't practice, and that she knows would require me to see a different therapist? She knows how upset i get just thinking about termination or about being referred out, so i can't imagine she would have brought this up unless she felt that way.

I emailed her yesterday and asked her if she brought this other therapy up because she doesn't think our therapy is working and she wants me to see somebody else? She said "No, i just think it is a good idea to stay informed about treatment methods, as they may be related to your concerns." To me, that's kind of a hokey answer. Why would she bring up this other therapy and want me to be informed about it just for interest's sake. . .unless she wanted me to consider doing it?

So i replied and asked her to tell me why she thought this other therapy (Sensorimotor or Somatic Experiencing therapy) would benefit me as opposed to what we're doing? She replied that i often struggle to find words to fit my experience, and how upsetting it is to me when i try to talk about my past. She told me SE therapy doesn't require talking about the trauma, as it centers more on the body.

So then i emailed back and point-blank asked her, "If it was you making the decision, would YOU choose to have me go see somebody else?" And she didn't reply.

Today, i just feel sick. I emailed and told her that we need to talk about this tomorrow. I told her i need to know straight out if she wants me to change therapists, and if so, why? And if not, i need to know why she keeps bringing up this other therapy then when we both know she doesn't practice it and that doing it would mean i'd have to find a new therapist.

I talked to my husband about this, and he says i'm just making a big deal out of this and that my therapist is not trying to send me away. But i feel like based on the evidence, she is feeling doubtful about the benefit of our work and is wanting me to find a new therapist.

Any thoughts?

((((((((((((Peaches))))))))))))

Do you think she might be suggesting that you see the SE therapist IN ADDITION to her? Like, you could go and do the body work, but still have her to process things with in words??

I think she just cares about your progress and thinks you might benefit from this other type of therapy. I agree with Treehouse. Maybe she is thinking about this in addition to your therapy. Maybe she's just bouncing ideas off the wall. I don't think you have any "evidence" of anything other than her caring about you.

i'd feel insecure...one thing i need more than anything is to know and witness t can contain it all .... Having her suggest other methods would knock my foundations i think...i often bring concerns..fears etc to t as we all do and i think thats partly to see if shes containing it all and taking the weight...

peaches

How did you feel as you opened up to her? Were you happy with how she responded up until she suggested that other type of therapy?

I think it's very brave of you to keep talking to her about this, as you should - I can certainly see why you're upset about it! Best of luck as you discuss this difficult issue with your T tomorrow!

I am glad that you are going to talk about it at your next session. It's important to clear the air and get a better understanding.

It seems as though her suggestion triggers a number of feelings for you - rejection, fear, abandonment...and that attachment may play a role. I know I would feel awful if my T were to suggest that to me, even if it may be a more productive option for me in the long run.

Developing that trust in a T is a process in itself, and it's hard to be faced with the option to "start again" with someone else.

I have a tendency to read into things, so I get where you're coming from. If my T said that, I'd feel the same.

However, starting over sucks. It's hard, you don't seem to want to do it, and T isn't saying she thinks it's best, just to consider it.

I think there are times when we need to take our T's words as they are, and try not to read into them. I have started telling my T "you say this, and this is how I take it. Am I right" I usually am not, and T can explain herself. Tell her how her words make you feel, how you hear them.

(((hugs to you))) I hate feeling like I'm unwanted.

Oh peaches, I totally understand how you're feeling. My T has mentioned that maybe a more behavioral therapy would be better for me, make me less anxious. She has also suggested that maybe I don't even want to be there...which I of course took it as her not wanting me there. She said she is just trying to respond to me saying how nervous I still feel, and that she wants to get me the best help I can get. That is her job.

I have also been talking a lot with her about what I think I am so nervous about--that she will get fed up with me and is frustrated by my "stuckness". Just this past week I was talking more about me being afraid I will walk in one day and she will realize she's sick of me, and she goes "it seems you are pushing me to do that." Ahh! I have been trying not to freak out. I am trying not to believe that what she is saying that if I keep talking about me being afraid of her kicking me out, that she WILL do it because of that. Sigh. Therapy is hard and convoluted, isn't it?

Well, my t called and left a message. She told me she is not going to answer any more emails about this issue. She said I am reacting emotionally and not logically, and that she has never said or intended that i should see somebody else. She said she has tried to reassure me of this, but a part of me is not listening. She ended the message by saying if i have questions i can write them down and bring them in tomorrow, but otherwise, this discussion is over and she will not respond to it anymore.

I don't see where i am reacting emotionally and not logically. What are the facts? 1. She keeps asking me to look into SE therapy. 2. She told me why she thinks it would benefit me. 3. She does not do SE therapy.
So I put 2+2 together = She is asking me to consider going to a different therapist to do a different kind of therapy.

Where is that not logical?!

True, she didn't come out and say "I want you to find another therapist." But the implication is there, am i right? What would be her motive for asking me to look into a different type of therapy and tell me why she thinks it might benefit me. . .if not to imply that's what she thinks i should do?

Her phone message struck me all wrong. She is trying to tell me that i'm basically fabricating this situation and that it's all my distorted emotions doing it. I felt like she was correcting me like a child. I hated how she ended it. . .case closed, i am not going to respond anymore.

I don't even feel like going tomorrow.

Am i seeing things wrong? It makes so much sense to me. . .

How come whenever there's a problem in the therapist-patient relationship, it's always the "patient" who is wrong? Why when therapists are called to the table on something, they backpedal their way out of it or tell us we just misinterpreted what they said?

I found an SE therapist online and left a message asking for more information. If my t is going to push me that way, maybe that's what i need to do.

I do feel that it's worthwhile that you discuss this face to face with your T, so that the messages being relayed are clear - and that you can get answers to your questions directly. E-mails leave too much to interpretation which is why my T prefers not to communicate by e-mail.

Actually, I don't believe that it's always the client who is wrong, if there is such a thing as "wrong". My T and I had a rupture a while ago, and it was clearly because of something he had said that was out of line. He told me he felt badly and explained his feelings more.

These are all good things to talk about in therapy.

Perhaps by "look into", she meant you can read about this other form of therapy and see if it resonates with you. When you learn about it, does it seem like it could be helpful? Then maybe you and T could have a more informed discussion about whether it might be helpful to you and you would understand better when your T told you why she thinks it would be helpful.

I think she is raising this because she has your best interests at heart, and wants you to heal.

Often, it's not that a therapy does or doesn't work, but that it can be more or less helpful. It's not all or nothing. I am sure she sees the progress you have made with her, but yet she wants more for you, greater healing. Just because she thinks SE might be helpful doesn't mean she thinks your work together has not helped you.

If you did see a different therapist for SE, you wouldn't have to stop seeing your current T for your regular therapy, would you? It could be an adjunct? I think it is not uncommon for a person to see a second T for a specialized technique, such as hypnotherapy or EMDR. But the client keeps their main therapist too. How would you feel about going to a second T for SE but still keeping your current T?

I think this is a good move. In her emails to you yesterday, she gave answers that I thought were reasonable and reassuring. You heard them in a different way that produced more anxiety, and that is going to be hard to resolve by more emails. I think this is way too important a topic to have email exchanges about anyway. Tomorrow is very soon and it will be really good to have a face to face discussion on this. I know you said that you don't feel like going tomorrow, but that will be your chance to ask all the questions that are so important to you. If you don't go to session, you won't get this resolved, and you will be even more anxious. So, I hope you go!

Yes, I can see how that could make you feel annoyed and powerless. But she did email you several times yesterday, each time trying carefully to explain, and each time, no matter what she wrote, you seemed to react with more anxiety. So she has seen that this email approach to reassuring you is not working and refusing to do it anymore on this topic. Plus, you have a session scheduled so soon, so why not discuss in person?

She did the only thing she could since she had tried to answer your question and you still did not take her at her word. Sometimes all a person can do is put an end to the discussion. Once you've said all you have to say and the other person refuses to believe it, what else can you do? Sometimes we just have to be told no.

I know you think you are being logical about this, but you're not. You are completely emotional about this. Your t knows that and she knows you have your mind set one way. You've read too much into this and put yourself into a panic.

Hi Treehouse,

I'm not sure if she was thinking i'd do both at the same time. . .but i could never afford to do that. The first time she mentioned this therapy (back in Feb.), I contacted an SE therapist, who told me i'd have to commit to at least 10 weeks with her. So that would be at least that long, and maybe more, that i would not be seeing my t.

Maybe she's just bouncing ideas off the wall? If your physician suggested you consider seeing a specialist for a problem you had, would he just be bouncing ideas off the wall? Or would you assume that he was saying he may not be able to help you, and you need to go see somebody else to resolve your problem. ?? If you felt that way, would that be illogical and emotional?

Yes, i agree she cares about me. I do know that bottom line that is the case. I'm not disputing that she doesn't care; just that i think she wants me to see somebody else rather than her.

Melbadaze,

Yes, I think it shakes my foundations too to have her suggest i investigate a different therapy. It makes me lose confidence in her because she seems to be losing confidence in me, or losing confidence in her own ability to help me. This then results in me feeling anxious because I know my t is very knowledgable and good. i trust her to be able to help me. So if she starts showing signs of doubt about whether she can help me, then i fear i am a lost cause that nobody can help.

Hey Peaches,

sorry you are having a hard time with this. Like Sunrise I wonder if seeing someone for another type of therapy necessarily means not continuing with your current T? It seems like that is what your T is trying to say to you...that it doesn't mean that to her.

For what it's worth, my T tried a different thing in a session a couple of weeks ago, which seems like what you are describing as sensorimotor therapy. I too tend to get to a certain point in trying to relate to my feelings and then I get stuck and scared and start to shut down. So she suggested I try to let my body do what it wanted to do, that it remembered what it felt in the past and how it wanted to respond (but wasn't able to because of the situation.) I had no idea what the hells she meant at first, and felt like a dolt! She kept explaining it different ways and finally I got it. But what I felt like my body wanted to do was kick things and throw things. I told her that and that I didn't think it was OK to do that there. She agreed and suggested I push against a wall. So I tried that. I was very self-conscious and didn't keep at it for very long. Partly because I could feel huge waves of emotion building when I did. I sat down and she had me try ripping up some stiff cardboard. Same thing...lots of feelings just poised to come out. I wasn't able to stay with it, but I did get a sense of how it might be very effective. (I did this cardboard ripping thing with someone else a few years ago and I ended up letting out the most blood-curdling screams...I had no idea I could make so much noise!)
She didn't discuss this new direction with me beforehand, so when I had had enough I sat back and asked her "Are we doing something different or is this just where we're at now?" It was then that she said that she had wanted to try something new, since she sees me sitting there struggling so hard sometimes and not being able to get unstuck.

Afterwards I really appreciated her wilingness to try a something new, even if I wasn't able to go very far with it

I guess maybe your T is also wanting to help you get unstuck, but doesn't feel qualified to use a modality she thinks might be helpful to you.

I hope you will be able to find a way to have this be a both/and situation, rather that either/or. Although I do absolutely understand the gut reaction of "she's trying to get rid of me" I bet you dollars to donuts that is not the case!!

Dreamseeker,

At the time i was opening up to her, i felt very nervous and it was hard for the words to come out! But yes, i was happy with how she responded. She actually guessed what i was trying to tell her before i even said it. So when i'd stop out of shame or fear, or stumble in trying to spit the words out, she would ask me, "Do you mean "this?" or "Is this what you're trying to say?" She made it alot easier to disclose by doing that. And she did not make me feel gross or awful for what i told her. All of that felt really good to me.

It was only when she talked about looking into this other therapy, that it seemed to ruin it. I replied to her, "Yes, but you don't do that kind of therapy," and she said, "No i don't." Then I said, "Then I don't want to do it. I dont' want to see somebody else." The more i thought about it after i left my session, the more upset i felt. I was disappointed because i'd put so much effort into the session in opening up and sharing with her, and instead of recognizing my progress or how hard i worked to trust her with what i told her, she asked me to investigate some other therapy that would be with somebody else.

Mixedupemotions,

Yes, you are right that it brought up rejection and abandonment fears. And my t knows I have problems with this, and with attachment. She knows it's a BIG issue for me. There was a time or two in the past when she mentioned the possibility of referring me out, and because it hurt me so much to have her do that, she said she wouldn't bring it up anymore. But now she has.

Moonrise,

Do you think i am reading into things? Just the idea that my t is asking me to consider a different therapy/therapist hurts and angers me. Even if she is not saying "You have to see somebody else," the thought is in her mind enough that she even brought it up for consideration.

I did try to clarify what she meant by my emails. I did tell her how it made me feel and that i needed to talk with her about it. I guess i was wrong in not waiting until my appointment tomorrow to do that, but it was eating at me and making me so sad.

My t and my pdoc occasionally bounce ideas off the wall concerning meds or treatments. My pdoc has sent me to other doctors for 2nd opinions. My t just flat out asked at one time if I thought I needed a different t. Yes, they were just bouncing ideas off the wall. They were trying to be sure I was getting the best treatment they could offer. They were willing to be open to other suggestions. But I wasn't really threatened by that. I welcomed their openness with me. They were just trying to help. Did I think they might want me to see someone else? Not really. My t was really just offering up the suggestion at that time because I wasn't making progress and he didn't want me feeling obligated to stay with him. My pdoc was really just wanting to be sure what he was doing was the best thing for me.

I really think your t is being completely straight with you. She's letting you know there is a different type of therapy out there that has shown to be helpful. That doesn't mean she wants you to go. Sounds like she wanted you to be able to explore other options though if you wanted to. Sometimes just knowing about another approach to therapy, a little education, can help us understand more about ourselves. For instance, my t isn't a sex therapist, but he has spoken to me about it as a way to explore helping myself. It's educational and causes me to be a bit more introspective about that aspect of my life that is totally messed up by my own CSA. He isn't suggesting I find a sex therapist; he's just letting me see what's out there as a means to explore.

I do think you might be overreacting to this. If you want to stay with this therapist, and think that the type of therapy that she is offering is a good fit for you, then you should stay with her. But realize that there are many different types of therapies out there, and sometimes individuals might have better progress with different types of therapy. I don't know you whole situation, but obviously your therapist knows what is going on with you and knows what your issues are. She is maintaining good boundaries, and is only suggesting this other therapy for your own benefit. Sometimes, you can only talk about things so much, and the talk therapy may not get to the root of the problem. Growth and working through a traumatic event may take a long time, and maybe after seeing this therapist for 9 months it may be good to take a break or try another type of therapy and see if it works for you. You can always come back to the type of therapy that this therapist offers, or even this therapist. A lot of good therapists actually work that way: you see them when you are struggling with something in your life, take a break after some progress, and then the door is still open for whenever you feel like you need to come back in for some more treatment. The therapist is there to help you to cope better with your life.

Peaches, I think that your T just cares that you have the best type of therapy to suit your particular issues, but I agree that it was a bad time to bring it up - just as you were feeling successful about discussing some painful issues. Perhaps it was those very issues that made her think of a different form of therapy for you. I really do not think it is rejection in any form - she just wants you to get better in the most appropriate treatment setting possible. You did a good thing for yourself in bringing up dreaded issues, and I congratulate you. You were utterly brave. However, your therapist may not entirely understand what the moment meant to you and why she should have waited until another time to bring up a therapy change. It would be unethical of her to keep taking your money and time, if she does not think her form of therapy is doing the best job that can be done for you. I truly believe she is trying to do the best for you. I am almost glad I cannot afford a T, as the relationship that develops, especially where difficult confidences are concerned, is a hard one to break. Please do not consider this a rejection, but just a chance at something more beneficial, okay? Caring About You ~ billieJ