[moonrise]

I'm looking for company.

My T is all business, so much intellect and reason, and not a lot of warmth. No hugs, ever. We never come close to even touching. No terms of endearment, no "I'll be thinking of you" or "you are special to me" or "call me if you need to".

I get lots of "your unconsciousness seems to be saying", and "call me if you're going to kill yourself", and tons and tons of reason logic, experience, and insight. Sometimes her voice softens, and she seems to care.

No pillows or soft things in her office. Simply three wing back chairs. Old chairs.

So far, she hasn't said she can't work with me because of my self injury or dissociation. She doesn't freak out. The extremely rare kindness that she has shown sticks with me. She is so stinking smart, and her insight overwhelms me.

I don't have a real choice anymore who I'm seeing (long story), so she is it. I have to make the best with what I've got. And yeah, I long for my old T who would hug me and make me feel loved and comforted, I have to trust that this T, stoic, oddly clothed, super-smart T, is who I'm supposed to be with.

Tell me about your not warm & fuzzy T! (please! I'm really hoping mine isn't the only one out there)

I wouldn't call my t warm and fuzzy. He's all man. He's really quite brilliant. Insights are amazing. He's just not one to hug or shower me with warm sentiments. He did actually cry in a session two weeks ago though. Shocked the h*ll out of me. I know he cares. He shows it through his attention to detail. I trust him completely. I don't really want warm and fuzzy anyway. It kind of creeps me out.

[mixedup_emotions]

I do not consider my T warm & fuzzy, although he does speak softly to me when I'm feeling vulnerable and does have couches with soft pillows.

He does not hug or touch at all. He sits in his chair by his desk and never gets any closer than that. He is very much business.

Funny, because my ex-husband's T is very affectionate and gives me hugs every time I see him. Totally different, and I enjoy that of him.

[peaches100]

My t is gentle with words and shows caring by her actions -- but she sits far away from me and does not offer hugs even when i've needed them.

[moonrise]

What sort of words does your T use to show s/he cares? Specific actions?

My T let me use the back entrance the other day so I didn't have to see anyone. I know she'd say she'd do it for anyone, though. She seems big on not playing favorites.

Originally Posted by moonrise

What sort of words does your T use to show s/he cares? Specific actions?

He listens. He is completely honest with me. He lets me call him if I need to vent between sessions. He jokes around with me; we have fun from time to time. He insists on seeing me regularly, even if I don't want to. He gives me a kick in the b*tt when that's what I need. He confers with my psychiatrist when it's needed. He cares for my whole family (literally, he is their t also). He's saved my life more than once. Who needs words when the actions speak so much louder?

[ECHOES]

My T is very attentive, listens with interest, doesn't freak out, doesn't say she can't work with me because (insert 6 zillion reasons here). She asked me to say more about wanting her to sit beside me. She asked me to say more about wanting her to hug me and then told me that if she thought it would be helpful she would, but she thought it would be most helpful to find words to talk about why I wanted that and what it meant to me, etc. It was the kindest 'No' I've ever heard. Hard to hear, but kind too.

But she is caring, she is warm. It's something that I had to learn to recognize; the words are so important. And she had to get to know me better to know when showing things like that would be helpful and when it wouldn't. She treasures the therapeutic relationship. I just told her today that I would still love a hug, but I no longer crave it. I have felt comforted, reassured, and relieved by her words, our words. I am learning to find the comfort in myself; since I will always be there for me, learning to comfort myself means I can be comforted whenever I want to and/or need to be.

I love the intellectual and analytical parts of therapy that delve into 'how the mind works'. I find it fascinating.

[sittingatwatersedge]

here is what resonated with me, Moonrise

Originally Posted by moonrise

The extremely rare kindness that she has shown sticks with me. She is so stinking smart, and her insight overwhelms me.

I think that maybe yr T could really benefit from hearing that..... could you say it?

oh and this too - I don't have a real choice anymore who I'm seeing (long story), so she is it. I have to make the best with what I've got.
You may want to say this on a different day; and maybe in different words, but I think it's important for T to know (I told mine this, essentially; she's not trained specifically in trauma, but I KNOW that I will never be able to say this stuff all over again to anyone, so she's stuck with me unless / until she runs me off!). Hugs to you SAWE

[moonrise]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

here is what resonated with me, Moonrise
I think that maybe yr T could really benefit from hearing that..... could you say it?

oh and this too - I don't have a real choice anymore who I'm seeing (long story), so she is it. I have to make the best with what I've got.
You may want to say this on a different day; and maybe in different words, but I think it's important for T to know (I told mine this, essentially; she's not trained specifically in trauma, but I KNOW that I will never be able to say this stuff all over again to anyone, so she's stuck with me unless / until she runs me off!). Hugs to you SAWE

Good advice, SAWE. I really **should** tell her that. I don't think I convey what I do appreciate about her enough. This post is helping me see that there are many good things about her, even though she's not warm and fuzzy.

Right now, though, there's no way on God's green earth I can tell her that I'm 'stuck with her' LOL! I think she may take that the wrong way.

Dear moonrise...you are not alone!!!

MY T is very smart, insightful, knows her stuff, and knows what she is doing. She does not do hugs. We sit in not at all cozy chairs, facing each other a few feet apart. She is not definitely not fuzzy, but in her own way she is warm, although it took a while before I could discern it and feel it. That was more a problem of perception on my part.
She gives me 100% of her attention, and she has the patience of a saint. She has spent months and months trying to tunnel through to me through my deep, elaborate defenses. No way she would have stuck with it if she did not truly care and want to help.
Every time I leave, she holds the door for me and says "take care D..." At some point I noticed that her voice is at its softest when she says it. She really does want me to take care. It is not just something she says.
A couple of weeks ago she referred to something I had talked about a while ago as poignant. I hadn't noticed that she had been affected by it, but apparently she was. That meant a lot to me.
She usually takes brief notes during our sessions, but when I am talking about something that carries a lot of emotion, she puts her pen down and just listens. That, to me, is as reassuring as having her come over and sit beside me. I know she is right there with me when she does that. If she did moved closer at moments like that, it would actually scare me away.

I do have my daydreams about breaking down and being held and comforted by her...but I don't need those to become a reality. She offers me soooo much in her own way. And the more I come out from behind my own defenses, the more I can feel how deeply she cares. Even from across the room!

Nuff said?

[embracinglife]

I'm sure your therapist cares about you in her own way. From my understanding, it is intentional for the therapist not to really touch a client. It is supposed to be a professional relationship, although you do reveal very intimate things about yourself, but there need to be clear boundaries as well. Also, the therapist is a unique relationship in your life because of this professional-ness, and the fact that they are supposed to be able to look at you objectively, the way that another familymember or friend might not be able to, and they need to maintain this objectivity in order to help you the best. Friends and family are emotionally involved with you and this lowers their objectivity, so the therapist has to keep clear boundaries, although I'm sure most good therapists do truly care about you in their own way.

But I kinda know what you mean about it being frustrating when they don't seem warm and loving. When I was 17, 18 I had a therapist (I didn't really want to be there in the first place) and she seemed quite cold to me, and I thought that she was judgmental of me because of my age and not wanting to be there. I don't know if that's true or not, just how I felt. But now looking back, I realize that she helped me in her own way, with what I was ready to deal with at the time. I wasn't ready to go into my deeper issues yet when I was working with her, so its okay that we were working on more superficial things. Just know that both you and your therapist both come into the relationship with your own baggage, ways of relating to people, etc.

[theave]

Originally Posted by ripley

Dear moonrise...you are not alone!!!

MY T is very smart, insightful, knows her stuff, and knows what she is doing. She does not do hugs. We sit in not at all cozy chairs, facing each other a few feet apart. She is not definitely not fuzzy, but in her own way she is warm, although it took a while before I could discern it and feel it. That was more a problem of perception on my part.
She gives me 100% of her attention, and she has the patience of a saint. She has spent months and months trying to tunnel through to me through my deep, elaborate defenses. No way she would have stuck with it if she did not truly care and want to help.
Every time I leave, she holds the door for me and says "take care D..." At some point I noticed that her voice is at its softest when she says it. She really does want me to take care. It is not just something she says.
A couple of weeks ago she referred to something I had talked about a while ago as poignant. I hadn't noticed that she had been affected by it, but apparently she was. That meant a lot to me.
She usually takes brief notes during our sessions, but when I am talking about something that carries a lot of emotion, she puts her pen down and just listens. That, to me, is as reassuring as having her come over and sit beside me. I know she is right there with me when she does that. If she did moved closer at moments like that, it would actually scare me away.

I do have my daydreams about breaking down and being held and comforted by her...but I don't need those to become a reality. She offers me soooo much in her own way. And the more I come out from behind my own defenses, the more I can feel how deeply she cares. Even from across the room!

Nuff said?

This is how I feel about my T - she is very caring but not in any kind of gushing way. Maybe it's my British reserve but I wouldn't really be comfortable with anybody too touchy-feely - but I do feel cared for by her. I think my cpn in the UK once touched my arm in a caring way, and she gave me a hug the last time I saw her but that was the extent of it.

Moonrise, good idea for a thread - I hope you can see you are far from alone

[smiley1984]

Your relationship with T is a professional one and some set ther their boundaries at different places, and some personalities are more extroverted than others.

I would ask why you want your T to be huggy and fuzzy? Are you actually looking for a T to give you psychotherapy - it sounds like she is quite knowledgeable in this - or are you really wanting someone in your life to be sympathetic and treat you with gentle hugs?

[moonrise]

Originally Posted by smiley1984

Your relationship with T is a professional one and some set ther their boundaries at different places, and some personalities are more extroverted than others.

I would ask why you want your T to be huggy and fuzzy? Are you actually looking for a T to give you psychotherapy - it sounds like she is quite knowledgeable in this - or are you really wanting someone in your life to be sympathetic and treat you with gentle hugs?

I don't *want* her to be huggy and fuzzy. If she tried to hug me, I'd get weirded out. It's simply not her style. I know there are a lot of T's out there who are that way, though. My last T was, and it suited things fine. I'm simply trying to adjust to a new style of therapy. I feel like I went from one extreme (old T was warm, her caring was evident), to the other (new T is intellectual, and I have to look harder to see how she cares).

[TayQuincy]

My T is not warm and fuzzy! I still feel very much cared about and nurtured even without the warmth and fuzziness. There are other ways to feel nurtured by T besides hugs and coddling. She is there for me when I need her and that is so important to me and really helps me learn how to take good care of myself. I like her just the way she is!

[jexa]

My T is not exactly warm and fuzzy. She is very kind and encourages me to be kind to myself, so I guess she feels warm to me, but I guess I am somewhat "cold," so anyone who's really nice feels warm to me. Her style is not coddling, and she's never touched me. I prefer it this way, very much. I have touch issues anyway, so I wouldn't be able to handle a huggy T. Her office has one comfy couch, which I sit on, and one chair, which she sits in. She is perfect to me. My therapy is perfect for me.

Originally Posted by TayQuincy

There are other ways to feel nurtured by T besides hugs and coddling.

While I absolutely, completely agree that there are many different ways to feel nurtured by T, I wonder if you could have said it in a way that is not insulting to people who DO have a warm and fuzzy T?

I do not consider the way my T treats me to be "coddling" (which means "indulging, babying"). T and I share a very warm, affectionate, caring relationship that does include physical touch....and that also includes playful banter, intellectual discussions, hard work together to reach insights, etc. T meets my needs...but he does not "baby" me.

Just had to throw in my .02!!

I do think it's a VERY good thing that there are all sorts of different T's for all sorts of different clients. Healing is such a personal journey, and we all need something different to get there.

[ECHOES]

Although my T isn't warm and fuzzy in the way some are, she does not discourage calling between sessions and she has said she thinks of me between sessions and said she would be thinking of me when she was in another country.

I just remembered this, so I neglected to include it in my earlier post.

I like that my P is not warm and fuzzy.
Well, first of all she is not my pet. LOL

I like her because she is very professional. There is no doubt about that.
She did tell me that she cares about me because I am her patient.
I like to keep it that way.

You should try to learn to see your T as your "T"

I think it would be a good idea for you to google job description of T
Hopefully that will help you to see your T more in professional way.

Good luck~!

[TayQuincy]

Originally Posted by treehouse

While I absolutely, completely agree that there are many different ways to feel nurtured by T, I wonder if you could have said it in a way that is not insulting to people who DO have a warm and fuzzy T?

I do not consider the way my T treats me to be "coddling" (which means "indulging, babying"). T and I share a very warm, affectionate, caring relationship that does include physical touch....and that also includes playful banter, intellectual discussions, hard work together to reach insights, etc. T meets my needs...but he does not "baby" me.

Just had to throw in my .02!!

I do think it's a VERY good thing that there are all sorts of different T's for all sorts of different clients. Healing is such a personal journey, and we all need something different to get there.

I did NOT say anything insulting. If you were insulted by what I said, that is your stuff. I didn't say anything about your Ts style so why so defensive?

[TayQuincy]

Treehouse,
This thread is directed to people who do not have warm and fuzzy Ts. But since you brought up your own T's style, I will respond with my own $.02:

I once had a T who was very warm and fuzzy. She was wonderful and loving and all kinds of great things like your T is, Tree. But you know what? It didn't help me to get well. Her style, like your Ts style, only made me stay regressed and dependent. So be careful.

Originally Posted by TayQuincy

I once had a T who was very warm and fuzzy. She was wonderful and loving and all kinds of great things like your T is, Tree. But you know what? It didn't help me to get well. Her style, like your Ts style, only made me stay regressed and dependent. So be careful.

I'm glad that you found someone who works better for you and that I have my T who works well for me!

Originally Posted by TayQuincy

I did NOT say anything insulting. If you were insulted by what I said, that is your stuff. I didn't say anything about your Ts style so why so defensive?

My bad - I apologize if I came across as defensive. And if I derailed your thread, moonrise!

Peace!

[TayQuincy]

Originally Posted by treehouse

My bad - I apologize if I came across as defensive. And if I derailed your thread, moonrise!

Peace!

It's all good

[moonrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

My bad - I apologize if I came across as defensive. And if I derailed your thread, moonrise!

Peace!

No, you didn't! I've had both, and the contrast is interesting. I hope I didn't make anyone with non-warm/fuzzy T's feel bad.