[zooropa]

I feel like in some ways I'm failing at working on my trauma with T. We've only really been doing it for 3 weeks now (been with T for just over a year) and it's been hard, SO HARD.

Yesterday she asked me what I have the most nightmares & flashbacks about, and that question alone sent me off into a big freaking mess of dissociating/flashbacks and panic that took up most of the rest of the session. I tried so hard to get some words out, and I think in the end I DID maybe get a very few things out, but most of the words were just all caught up in my throat.

I just don't know...this trauma work, it's harder than I thought it'd be, and I knew it'd be hard. But it feels like it's going to kill me. I didn't sleep for 4 nights straight last week. I'm having flashbacks all the time, every day, in public and stuff, that NEVER happened before. It's basically taking over my entire life.

And then I get into session and I can't even TALK about it?? How is this ever going to work out? How are we ever going to make any progress, at all, if I can only say half a sentence a week? It's almost laughable, if it wasn't so sad & painful.

I only have until Oct. with T, then I don't know what'll happen. So there's this almost audible tick tock tick tock all the time. I can't imagine leaving T & then being able to start the trauma work AGAIN with someone else. Just...no.

anyway, that's where I'm at. Sad & sore & hurting in mind & heart & soul, and body. Bit my lip so hard during my session yesterday that it's still swollen & painful & bleeding today.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((( z )))))))))))))))))

October is a long, long, long time from now.

what does y r T say about how to get into this work?

Some folks on PC have mentioned using a box with a lid, in which they can place things they can't deal with right now - maybe you could give yourself such a box, and when you are feeiling a little more calm you could write something - some small piece of your story - and put it in the box. Until you see T again it will be safely enclosed in there *and away from you*.... next time you see T, you can take the box with you, and the two of you figure out what to do with it. Just a thought.

((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))

Early on, I did get through the trauma stuff literally once sentence at a time. We could have a whole session of panic, flashbacks, attempts (over and over) to get grounded...and I would LITERALLY manage something like "he was wearing a red shirt". And that was it. It was just so overwhelming to be open my mouth and talk about this stuff for the first time ever. SO overwhelming.

I do have a container, like SAWE suggested. Literally, a box that I painted is sitting on T's desk, and we will put things in there. There have been times that it's worked really well, and times it's just seemed pointless.

How many times a week do you see T?? Seeing my T twice a week helped.....I wasn't very skilled at containment for a long time, and knowing that I had a shorter time between sessions helped a lot.

Posting here helped too.

Honestly, I did feel worse before I felt better in therapy. But now I have more days of feeling better, and the world feels safer, and I feel more connected to other people and to my Self. It feels good to not have to RUN so much anymore. I still have bad days, for sure (I'm still working through trauma,so that's certainly part of it)...but those hard,hard, hard days of early therapy seem to be behind me.

You will make it through this, even if you need to slow down a bit, or see T more often, or make some other change to make the whole thing more bearable. You are worth it, zoo

It will get better eventually. I learned to put it up in the back of a very high shelf in a closet. Same theory as the box idea. Just take one step at a time. It's hard work.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

(((((((((((((((( z )))))))))))))))))

October is a long, long, long time from now.

what does y r T say about how to get into this work?

well, that IS literally one of the things she says, lol, that Oct is a long time from now and not to worry so much about that. But as far as how to do the trauma work, T says I'm doing it right, I'm doing great, this is how we do it. That we're doing it, we're getting through it, together. It feels really good to me when she says things like "we" instead of "you" because, yeah, I've carried this stuff alone for so long. I need to feel like she's walking through this with me, but then when I have a session like I did this week, when she's there with me and wants to help and is completely present but I just can't get what's going on inside of me out, I can't show it to her, I can't share it with her...it makes me feel like I'm going to be stuck carrying it alone forever. But she says I'm doing it, it's ok, this is hard work and I'm doing it just right for now.

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))

Early on, I did get through the trauma stuff literally once sentence at a time. We could have a whole session of panic, flashbacks, attempts (over and over) to get grounded...and I would LITERALLY manage something like "he was wearing a red shirt". And that was it. It was just so overwhelming to be open my mouth and talk about this stuff for the first time ever. SO overwhelming.

How many times a week do you see T?? Seeing my T twice a week helped.....I wasn't very skilled at containment for a long time, and knowing that I had a shorter time between sessions helped a lot.

Posting here helped too.

thanks for that, tree, SO MUCH. It really helped me to read that and know I'm not the only one who could spend a whole session dissociating, flashing back, getting grounded, trying to speak, then going through the whole thing again. And again.

I see T once a week, I really don't think it's an option for me to see her more often. Honestly? I'm afraid to ask. I have so much fear of abandonment and rejection. If I ask and she says no, it would hurt me a lot. I'm scared to ask. BUT, I can call her and while sometimes that doesn't work out so great, sometimes it does help tremendously. Just knowing she's there and that I CAN call helps.

And posting here helps, A LOT. I feel bad sometimes because I'm not in the best place right now for being supportive for everyone else but it does help to post about my sessions and get feedback and mostly just process what I'm going through. And to be reminded by you all of why I'm doing this trauma stuff, that it's for a reason, not just to torture myself and give my T a paycheck

[BlueMoon6]

Zoo- Even tho I post about how "much" I do in a session, I still have that feeling that I didnt get to many feelings themselves. I do a lot of talking about my feelings rather than feeling them. It feels way too hard and scary, but its even more, its like you said, I just CANT go there. SOmething internal stops me and I cannot. I cannot be that little girl.

Now, that said, I think, I trust and hope, that the feelings will come. SOMEHOW, and I dont know how, I will be able to go there. Maybe by talking around it, like a spiral until I get closer and closer to the fearful and sad and hurt little girl.

We can do this, Zoo. Oct IS far away.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

Now, that said, I think, I trust and hope, that the feelings will come. SOMEHOW, and I dont know how, I will be able to go there. Maybe by talking around it, like a spiral until I get closer and closer to the fearful and sad and hurt little girl.

We can do this, Zoo. Oct IS far away.

this reminds of something I always forget but need to remember...if I can't talk about it, sometimes I *can* talk about not being able to talk about it. And that's progress.

It reminded me of a moment in my session this week, when I had so many words stuck in my throat and I was dissociating and just struggling SO HARD to stay in the room and T sounded so far away and it just seemed like such a pointless battle. I was holding my breath, without meaning to or being aware of it, and T was reminding me over and over and over to keep breathing, don't stop breathing. And it came to me, why I couldn't breathe, and why I couldn't speak, or see, because of my mouth and nose and eyes being full of dirt. And I DID verbalize that to T.

By being able, just for a second, to think about why I couldn't speak or breathe or see, I was able to access part of a memory in a way that I could share with her. It doesn't seem like MUCH, but it was something.