Overwhelmed with heavy session

BlueMoon6 · Dec 08, 2009, 08:21 PM

I miss posting here. It seems like forever since I have been able to sit down and read and post. And the last few days, I have been feeling so paralysed with how much I have to do and the things that came up in monday's session, that I have been feeling like I cant even post, answer PMs or turn on the computer. I am overwhelmed. I have so much going on in my house (not bad stuff, just a lot) and then I had a session with ftt that I find I cannot even write about. I forced myself to journal b/c I know I'd forget.

Iim glad I did write it down. I want to post. It helps me to not keep secrets and feel intense shame.

I went in not even knowing what I was going to talk about. Unusual for me. I began with the feelings of self-hate in social situations that I posted about. No matter how subtle or how often it comes and goes. It was interesting to me that ftt did not go far with that, how I feel in social situations etc...she went right to the reason- being abused in childhood. Im not fond of the "a" word, but it fits. We talked about everything at once and all together. Everything is related to everything else, I had not realized that before. She seems to direct me toward my feelings about my body and food. I had been treated as a child and as a teen as an object. Not just an object, but like a doll. Especially by mother, to make her look good. She encouraged sick food behavior because she wanted me to be bone thin and and I was. She focused heavily on my body during the period of time I was not very thin by buying me cover-up clothing, asking me to stand up and examine my body all over to see if any part of me looked fat, and when I was thin, she bragged. We talked about the weight I was when she thought I was fat. I was not fat. It was all about her and making her look good. Since I have been with ftt, I have remembered a lot of things about my mother. And how I felt. I felt awful in her presence. I never felt a moment of affection for her the way I imagined other children felt for their mothers.

During most of my childhood there was csa and inapproapriate behvior from my father. And I was the push-pull pawn between them. He got back at her by doing what he did to me. I wanted his attention, any kind he gave me, it was better than nothing. So, I learned how to be provocative to get what I wanted and that my only value was in being seen as an object. It never occurred to me that I had any other value and that I should be treated like a person and not an object or doll. I had very dramatic experiences with boyfriends in my 20s. We talked about that and how I had a couple of gay male friends later on that taught me, inadvertently, that I had a much larger value. They were very close friends for a long time. I was able to move forward from there and I when I met my husband it was much different. He valued who I was and I valued myself more. We talked a lot about how I experienced myself as a child, elementry school age. I was on my own, no parent to guide me, each selfish in their own way and I did what I needed to do to get what I needed to get. It continues to be a struggle to keep that child under control and to explain to her that I have a greater value. That I am not an object. It is VERY difficult for me to internalize that. More difficult that I can explain.

A great deal of the session was how to talk to my little girl (not pre-school age, a little older) so she will allow me to be an adult. This might sound strange, it does to me, but that is exactly how I experience her. She doesnt want to pay the bills, she wants to let them sit, I struggle with her. She wants to SPEND SPEND SPEND and I struggle with her big time. She wants to have tantrums and I try to control her. There are so many things that she does impulsively that I struggle with her with. Ftt gave me such soothing words to say to her, and I am trying to say it. I have difficulty liking her, no less loving her. I want to hit her. I want to tell her to shut up and really hurt her. The adult me wins most often, but she wins sometimes.

Last night I was overwhelmed, I couldnt think about csa or my mother or controlling her any more. My kids werent listening to me and I felt so triggered by being ignored (one of my boys did something else, not so bad, but it triggered me even more) that I had an awful tantrum. I screamed and broke a couple of things. It was as if I could watch but not stop. 2 of my kids were crying. And that snapped me out of it and I felt like crying after all of this anger and I apologized to everyone. I was even mean to my husband and things had been going so well. I felt so ashamed and all I could do was say I am sorry. They must have felt so confused.

I remember when I was a little girl, I used to beat up my dolls and scream at them, and then cry and comfort them and say I was sorry. It seems as if I just repeat how I had been treated all these years later. It takes so much energy and effort and restraint not to be that angry and very hurt child.

rainbow8 · Dec 08, 2009, 08:58 PM

BlueMoon: I was worried about you because you hadn't posted anywhere. Take good care of youself and just rest and do what you have to. Call ftt if you can't handle your feelings from your session. I love you.

sunrise · Dec 08, 2009, 10:10 PM

(((Blue))) Take care, get some sleep, lean on your H if that's possible. Therapy brings up a lot. Some days can be really hard--for anyone.

Dec 08, 2009, 11:02 PM

(((((((((((((((((((Moon)))))))))))))))))

It's okay to be quiet for a while to regroup...and then it's okay to post to get some support. I'm glad you posted.

Your session sounds so overwhelming....and like a lot of groundwork was laid for healing.

Be gentle with you, okay?

BlueMoon6 · Dec 08, 2009, 11:50 PM

Thanks Rainbow, Sunny and Tree- You are right, I am going to try to rest tomorrow. I have some things I have to do early in the morning, then I'll come home and get some rest....

Sunny, it did not even occur to me to get support about this from my husband. It really didnt. I think after he finishes up with work tonight, I'll talk to him a little. We could use some time together. I never espect my session to bring up so much and it startles me when I have these delayed or intense reactions to childhood events. I am so used to just not going there.

I have had so many memories come back to me about how I felt around my mother. And particular incidents that I had forgotten about. I think ftt is helping me to put together my "story." In my first session with her, I told her I only had bits and pieces and no real "story" of my childhood or growing up years or how I felt. Its as if pieces of the puzzle are being placed to create the picture of my early life.

She asks me a lot of questions as I talk, about the relationship between my parents, my mothers parents, and how I was physically and emptionally mistreated. She asks me a lot, "would I ever think to say/do that with my children?" How would i feel toward a little girl if this or that had been done to her. There was one question she asked me, Im too embarrassed to say, where I said I didnt know if Id have compassion for someone else in this particular situation. I saw a side of myself that, because I have so little compassion for myself, that compassion for another person in this situation is not there. That hurt. I hope that knowing that and connecting it to my childhood pain will be healing.

Tree- That is exactly what it seems to me. I have needed to re-group. To get my bearings. I miss reading and knowing how everyone is feeling and what everyone is doing. I think what you have always said that T says is true for me, that we know what we need to do to heal. I couldnt post, I couldnt come here and read, I never thought Id ever write that about coming here to read. I needed to think about other things for a time, especially after this session.

Im still in busy mode, but you are SO right. That the groundwork is being laid for the path I will take with ftt toward healing. I wish I wasnt so shy about calling her today. I still might call tomorrow. I could use the connection with her.

zooropa · Dec 09, 2009, 01:17 AM

bluemoon

Just lots of hugs for you. I wish I had more words for you, but I don't. I understand what you're going through, and the hard, painful work I'm doing with my T is stealing all my words it seems. Just want you to know I'm here & I hear you & I admire what you're doing.

Brightheart · Dec 09, 2009, 06:48 AM

(((((Blue)))) Be gentle with yourself. Give your mind time to process it all. Therapy is hard work.

complic8d · Dec 09, 2009, 11:39 AM

((((((((((BlueMoon)))))))))

Thank you so much for your courage to post this. I can relate to a lot of it. It sounds so intense right now, make sure to take a lot of time for you.

BlueMoon6 · Dec 09, 2009, 06:42 PM

Everyone's responses mean so much to me. I always feel like I shouldnt post about my stuff, who cares anyway, everyone is busy. And when I read what you wrote it makes me feel so cared for.

I always want everything neatly tied up after a session. I dont want to give it time to process, like Brightheart said, but that is exactly what I need to do. And I see as the week goes on, my brain processes the session either with me or without me. I see images before me of me and my mother, difficult scenerios. (Is this what a flashback is???? Im never sure). I understand more of the session now a few days later. Does that happen to other people? I can see myself doing things now out of having been traumatized. But I am still doing them. I am watching myself behave like a traumatized child. And I STILL cant stop. Especially with food. I KNOW if I feel out of control with food, I will be a mess. I really will. It isnt that I have stopped eating, I have not, but my weight is back down to 111 1/2. I am eating salads and fruit, but things I ate before have suddenly become unsafe foods to eat. Its as if my uncomfortableness with talking about my mother causes me to want to have tight control over eating and food. BUT, and this is a BIG deal for me, Ive dont some really good things about the bills I have hangning over my head. Ftt wanted me to, this week as homework, to take a couple of particulat steps, and I did even more, except for the main money issue, and I did the minimum there. But I did it. Maybe I'll do more on the tomorrow.

zooropa · Dec 09, 2009, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

. Its as if my uncomfortableness with talking about my mother causes me to want to have tight control over eating and food. BUT, and this is a BIG deal for me, Ive dont some really good things about the bills I have hangning over my head. Ftt wanted me to, this week as homework, to take a couple of particulat steps, and I did even more, except for the main money issue, and I did the minimum there. But I did it. Maybe I'll do more on the tomorrow.

blue, I'm so glad you DO come and share your thoughts and feelings here, even though you said sometimes you feel like maybe you shouldn't or don't want to.

What you said about addressing uncomfortable feelings and memories in therapy causing you to want to have tighter control over your food/eating afterwards, that really hit home for me. I don't do it with food as much but I do see myself doing that with cleaning and organizing my place. It's like the cleaner and more "perfect" I can have my home, the "safer" it feels, like somehow by having absolute control over that one thing it gives me a sense of control over what's going on inside of me that is OUT of my control. Something like that.

Good job starting to address that money stuff, I know how overwhelming and huge it can be to begin to chip away at a problem, it sounds like you got a great start!! Proud of you!

Dec 09, 2009, 09:27 PM

Blue

Sorry I'm late to the thread!

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I see as the week goes on, my brain processes the session either with me or without me. I see images before me of me and my mother, difficult scenerios. (Is this what a flashback is???? Im never sure). I understand more of the session now a few days later. Does that happen to other people?

Not sure if what you're experiencing is a flashback, it could be - but I can very much relate to your brain processing the session as the week goes on. My Wednesday sessions are good because I've usually processed most of Monday's session by then. And then my Monday sessions are good because I've usually processed Wednesday's session by then, and also had a dream or two about it, and maybe journaled or written a letter to T from my little ones about some issues that came out of the session.

I think it's great to take some time in processing sessions - T said that means it's working!

Congrats on making strides with the money aspect, that's terrific! Like T has been telling me, try not to concentrate on the food aspect right now - it will happen, in time. We can only do so much at once, ya know?

BlueMoon6 · Dec 09, 2009, 09:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa

blue, I'm so glad you DO come and share your thoughts and feelings here, even though you said sometimes you feel like maybe you shouldn't or don't want to.

Thanks, Zoo. When I post it usually goes through my mind, eh, who cares about YOU!

Quote:

What you said about addressing uncomfortable feelings and memories in therapy causing you to want to have tighter control over your food/eating afterwards, that really hit home for me. I don't do it with food as much but I do see myself doing that with cleaning and organizing my place. It's like the cleaner and more "perfect" I can have my home, the "safer" it feels, like somehow by having absolute control over that one thing it gives me a sense of control over what's going on inside of me that is OUT of my control. Something like that.

OMG! That is what I have been doing for the last week. I re-arranged the furniture in my living room, totally cleaned out and rearranged the shelves, and the dining room. My house looks so dern cozy now. If only I could get my hands on my husband's office space.....

I feel SO much better having everything LOOKING like it is under control. When there is stuff all over or the house is dirty, I feel out of control and like a mess.

Quote:

Good job starting to address that money stuff, I know how overwhelming and huge it can be to begin to chip away at a problem, it sounds like you got a great start!! Proud of you!

Thanks, Zoo

This is a final frontier for me (among many final frontiers. I dont know how much I will be able to accomplish, but ftt is helping me a lot. I NEVER would have brought this up with dt, she'd get real tough and Im sure Id get a rough tone of voice. WIth ftt, she understands how this happened.

googley · Dec 09, 2009, 09:44 PM

(((((Bluemoon))))

Sannah · Dec 15, 2009, 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

A great deal of the session was how to talk to my little girl (not pre-school age, a little older) so she will allow me to be an adult.

She doesnt want to pay the bills, she wants to let them sit, I struggle with her.

She wants to SPEND SPEND SPEND and I struggle with her big time.

She wants to have tantrums and I try to control her.

There are so many things that she does impulsively that I struggle with her with.

I have difficulty liking her, no less loving her. I want to hit her. I want to tell her to shut up and really hurt her. The adult me wins most often, but she wins sometimes.

My kids werent listening to me and I felt so triggered by being ignored

It takes so much energy and effort and restraint not to be that angry and very hurt child.

But you are that angry and very hurt child......................................................................................

These hugs are for her .....................