[jacq10]

Today was a rough session.

T was really pushing me hard today... not sure why, but I don't normally feel this resistance. Who knows, maybe it was just me.

We started off talking about how I was going home tmrw for xmas, and I spoke a bit, but really was just not feeling the topic. So I asked her if we could not talk about it.

I felt like such a child.

T: I'm ok to move on, but I'd like you to explain why you don't want to talk about it.

J: Because

T: Because...?

J: Because I don't want to.

Eventually we got around to deciding not to talk about it, only to end back up in the same convo 5 minutes later. I pointed this out to T.

She then told me that it was up to me to decide what we wanted to talk about then.

At this point I was feeling very foolish and embarassed. I started to cry. I had no idea "what" I wanted to talk about, but I just felt this huge disconnect and it was not how I wanted to leave things with her.

Eventually I was able to muster up the courage to ask her to explain to me why she couldn't hug me. This literally took probably like 5 minutes for me to even spit out. It was the weirdest feeling sitting there.. quiet...crying... speechless and unable to put two words together for T. And then there was a moment where it was like I was standing outside of my body, and I just wanted to shake myself and say "Jacq! Wake up, spit something out already, I'm sure T's patience is wearing thin with you." Any how, then I blurted it out.

Her response was nothing greater then what I expected it to be. Something along the lines of not wanting to reinforce the fact that a hug is all I need to get through something, and how I needed to find people "out there" to give me that.......... great. Except there IS no one out there.

Then I felt like T was getting frustrated with me. She said that she didn't want to be a "rigid *****" (Which only made me cry more and tell her that thats not what I thought of her). She made clear that those were "her words" and that she wasn't implying that thats what I thought of her.

Anyhow, the session was just so much for me... I felt uncomfortable in my skin.

I pretty much bolted out the door after the session because I did not want to linger AT ALL in case T saw that as related to wanting a hug.

Did I want one from her? Yeah... but not this session. It would have been too fake and contrived.

Anyhow, I guess I don't know how I feel. I've never really had an experience like this with her, and I can't stop thinking about it. Its really bothering me.

sigh.

Thanks for listening if you got this far... I really just needed to get some of this out.

Jacq

[BlueMoon6]

oh, Jacq
A million hugs to you.

Im sorry your session ended this way. It just seems that this is her orientation. Some Ts are like that. Please post more about how you are feeling.
Will you have access to a computer when you are at home?

[MissCharlotte]

((Jacq))

It is so painful to confront those feelings. I also recall a session when I told T I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. It's not a good feeling--take extra special care of yourself tonight.

[ECHOES]

((((jaqc)))) That sounds hard (and familiar). It is good to keep talking about it and I admire all the effort it took for you to get past the censoring thoughts. It is so hard to hear "No" even when wrapped with kindness and concern.

[lifelesstraveled]

((((jacq))))

[deliquesce]

that out of body experience - i know it well. please take extra special care of yourself tonight. maybe run a warm bath (or whatever it is you like to do to relax/indulge a bit) because it's important you feel safe in your own skin again.

[zooropa]

I can definitely relate to the feeling of having words to say but not being able to get them out. It seems like the longer the silence stretches out, the harder it is to say ANYTHING, and the blanker my mind gets. I also get that not-in-my-body dissociative experience. It is so hard to sit through that with T's eyes on me the whole time. Excruciating.

Deli has excellent advice, do some self-soothing tonight, whatever feels good and soothing to you physically.

[jexa]

(((((jacq)))))

This sounds so hard.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( jacq ))))))))))))))

[googley]

((((((Jacq)))))))
That sounds really hard. I hope your next session goes better and you are able to have a relaxing time going home.

[crystalrose]

jacq
I have had sessions like that.
So is T saying she wont hug at all.
Some T's are like that thats their rules. Its frustrating. My pdoc said something that made me think that she doesn't touch clients. I'l have to ask her.

[Melbadaze]

jacq, thats tought...i think my t at the beginning felt that way about hugs..but over time shes assessed my individual history and sees it would be a positive for me...except i'm to afraid...

[chaotic13]

I hate when a T or therapy session gets into intellectualizing and "talking" about a human need that just IS. Why can't people just hug someone simply because they wanted or needed it, period. I know thing can get complicated but...having to analyze and talk about stuff like that seems a lot worse to me.

[jacq10]

Wow.. thank you SO much everyone for your thoughtful replies
(((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))

The thing that really hit home was that she was saying "no" specifically to me. She said she *rarely* ever gave clients a hug (implying that she has on occasion), but that she felt it wouldn't be beneficial for me. I guess I just don't get how something that I need so badly, something that I don't get and haven't got in the past, could hurt me.

chaotic - I couldn't agree more. Intellectualizing things that are such a basic human need can be very frustrating. Sometimes things aren't laid with hidden meanings and implications, they just are. And sometimes (I believe) that simple gestures of kindness and caring can be simply that, a gesture.

After my session I went over to the place where I volunteer on campus (A wellness centre), and the woman who runs it (who I've talked to on occasion) was there. I went over to her office, and the words just came out of my mouth - "Can I have a hug" at which point I started crying again, and she was so sweet and just came over and held me. It really was very comforting, and I knew that she cared about me, but at the same time, I couldn't help but wish that this was how things were with T. I am very thankful however that she was there, and cared enough to be with me even if for a short period of time (she had a conference call so we couldn't talk for very long).

Anyhow... we'll see how things go in the new year I suppose.

Thanks again everyone... your responses really mean so much to me.


Jacq

[BlueMoon6]

Jacq- I agree with Chaotic, that intellectualizing something so simple and just a need for that moment feels worse.

I can so empathize with her "no" to just you. Desk t did that to me. She said that she needed to have these boundaries with *me*. She had to be distant, cold, tough and could not disclose with *me* specifically. I know she did come things differently with other patients because she told me stories about them. I dont think she even realized how I could compare how she treated them with how she treated me.

I am so glad you got a hug from the woman at the wellness center. Is that what T is pushing you to do? Get it from other people? I dont know, but she IS a person in your life. The way I see it, as I see it with my own children, if they ask for something that I think isnt good for them at that moment and they have a huge reaction to my no (which will usually happen) I have to quickly assess if it is something they really *need* (or not) and I can re-consider. I have to be flexible and not rigidly stick to my *no*. Why does T think, after repeated requests for a hug, that it would be so bad for you?

[BlackCanary]

wow, you asked and then did get a hug from someone in your "real" life!
I have struggled with the no hug situation with my T since last March. VERY painful. I have held on to my story for a few decades, and always envisioned that the telling of it would involve being hugged by a safe and caring person.

Like yours, my T told me had hugged some clients, apparently only people over 65 Then he specified he will never hug me, or if he does it's the last thing he will do in therapy with me. I tried to hug him over the summer. He held up his hands and backed away! But later he said he nearly responded, put up his hands to stop himself. Nice to know that the human instinct is there!
T recently said "I'm sure I would have hugged you earlier in my career." He's set it off limits now to every client. But, he's now acknowledging that in asking for the hug I am seeking a sense of closeness and connection with him, and he's going to consider how to provide that in my care while honoring his boundary.
I'll post again, see if there are good ideas to share with you

But I do spend a good deal of energy trying to convince him I'd be safe to hug. Sigh. I know there are ethical T's out there who DO hug clients. I don't have one of those. I have considered trying to find one BUT this T and I get along really well, not sure I want to risk a less satisfactory therapeutic relationship just to get hugs.

[WePow]

You are so brave for asking for a hug!!! WOW!!! I wish I were that brave. But instead I just look for reasons to not love and push the person away internally. Fear of rejection big time. I do have a guy at work that is a hug monster! I just love him! He is married and it has never been a sx thing in the least little bit. It is just a friend. He pulls me so close and tight and just hugs me and hugs me and sometimes I bawl like a baby in his arms. I am safe there because there are no T rules or emotional risks. It is just two friends hugging! I am so thankful that I have one person in my life who will give me unconditional hugs whenever I need one. You are very brave.

[ECHOES]

My T said "If I thought it would be helpful to your therapy, I would. But I don't see it as being helpful." She said it very sweetly and that helped, but still...
At a later session I said she never hugs and she said she didn't say that. So I laughed and said under what circumstances would you hug.....
As the relationship has grown, and as I have worked on not idealizing her, the intense desire for the comforting hug has decreased. I still *want* it, but I no longer have a terrible consuming craving for it.
Nor do I try to figure out under what circumstances she might.. lol
I have been fortunate to feel the 'holding' in therapy and I think that has helped.

[rainbow8]

This subject is so close to my heart. Jacq10, I empathize you in not being able to get words out in therapy (happened to me a lot!) and also asking for a hug and being told "no."

My T has also told me "no" in regards to hugs. Like your t and some of the others, she specifically told me that for ME, it would not be helpful, though she hugs other clients. Maybe it's a BPD thing.

However, she hugged me at my last regular therapy session (I see her "as needed" now) and on another occasion outside of therapy. I sort of agree with the premise of "why do t's make such a big deal out of hugs, or giving us what we need" but I also understand how my t hugging me may have been too much for me to handle.

I have gotten hugs from a friend (I'm glad you had someone to hug you, jacq) and the difference is there are no complicated feelings to get in the way, if that makes sense. A hug is just a hug. With my t, it's more than that, and I'd probably obsess about it. I wasn't expecting the hug at my final session, and I didn't think about it much afterward, which was a sign of my progress.

[Christina86]

Glad you got a hug from someone dear, although it sucks that your T wasn't as open to the suggestion as she should have been.

Sometimes we all just need a hug and to know that someone cares... and a lot of us are more "touchy feely" and need to fill that gap in our lives.

[sunrise]

That session sounds so hard, jacq. ((((jacq)))) I'm glad you got a hug from the woman at the Wellness Centre. I agree with the intellectualizing part. If your T is not going to give you a hug, it seems even more hurtful to intellectualize about it. Sometimes a desire for a hug is simply that.

I hope the holidays are renewing and restful for you.

[jacq10]

((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))

You are all so awesome. I feel much better about how things were left knowing that I'm not alone in my feelings. Thank you so much for reading and posting, and sharing your thoughts on this.

Wishing you all a great season, and sending many hugs!


Jacq

A question of ethics and boundaries: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...our-therapist/

[Brightheart]

I want to add my agreement that sometimes a need for comfort is simply that. All of us need to feel loved and held from time to time. I think it is also very reassuring to feel the presence of someone who cares about you and understands. I'm sorry the session was so difficult for you.

[cmac13]

AH! HUGS...when I first began therapy many years ago with my therapist she would not hug me due to physical abuse issues and my issues around touch. As time has gone on our relationship has grown and my ability to trust her is strong and I am able to continue to work through the abuse and touch issues with her she will now hug me whenever I ask her to. She knows in my past with my parents there was never any positive touch and no hugs at all ever. She knows how much I mean to her and how much I look to her for maternal guidance and she says it's OK. When she hugs me it feels like no one will ever hurt me again and that I am safe and protected with her. I am blessed to know her. I am sad when others talk about therapists who will not hug them because for me it is such a positive feeling and is very healing to be held close by someone who I know will never ever hurt me!