[Melbadaze]

Perhaps this is how its supposed to go? The old learnt behaviours coming up against new ones?

T hasn't emailed me yet. Theres the rest of this week to go and perhaps she will do, I don't know, I don't know if when she said perhaps she needs to be more pro-active during breaks and contact me whether that meant the summer break? I just don't know.

Anyways I keep thinking about her not contacting me yet and I want to tell her when we return how let down I was, I want to guilt her, bully her, put her into a position of having to do these things or else, unyet is that what I'd really want? When I sit back and breathe I know thats not how you get someone to care about you, infact that will do the complete oppersite, so why? I realised just how much this was the relationship my adoptive mother had with me, I was always made to feel bad for the times I wasn't there with her, and she'd manipulate and play the victim role and it felt so unescapable, and on my side, I was always testing her, seeing what she'd do for me, test if she cared about me, adn I realise this email thingy from T this week is me putting an action to decide whether T cares or not, but the difference is, underneath whether T does contact me or not, theres a knowing that there is something there between us, that this one contact during the holiday doesn't negate the whole relationship., and I saw how with my adoptive mother, under the tests I gave her, there was nothign else, there was no knowing of her caring, I use to have to manipulate her just to get something, but still, I cant let go this old behaviour, I don't why, the old pattern is so engraved it just feels the right way to go, to let go of the need to put this expectation, this test on T feels like I will end with nothing, that I need to keep pushing her to do more.

Its hard to explain, I guess its that I am not able to have an adult relationship where there is no manipulations, I realised just how much the way I relate to people is very much based in my childhood still, I am a child most times in relationships, but I'm scared to step out of being a child, I guess because she had to do so much that I feel without her I'll be lost.

[chaotic13]

Melbadaze... I think it is good that you are trying to think about why you do some of the things you do, but sounds like you are being a bit hard on yourself. I know I tested my T a lot. I also know that when she doesn't respond to me sometimes I like to attack myself with that silence.

I also know that I have a darker side of myself that can come up with all kinds of mean and vindictive reasons why I might have interacted with a someone in a particular way. I can turn just about any thing I do into a mean and nasty action. Just be careful that you don't assume that you have an ulterior motive for wanting your T to email you...maybe you just want to be thought about.

[Melbadaze]

thanks chaotic, I guess my introject is attacking me for wanting still.

[chaotic13]

I hate the .. I shouldn't want x, I should be more able to deal with my own stuff. I shouldn't need my Ts approval,attention, insight,concern....so much.

It is all just noise.

[WePow]

You are really doing GREAT by saying exactly how you feel and why you think you feel that way! I am very impressed!!! That takes a whole mountain of courage.