[moonrise]

T sort of freaked out on me when I talked about drinking. I've never had a problem before, but w/i the last 6 months or so, my drinking and my tolerance has increased. I broke a major rule of mine, which I feel horrible about - no one was in danger, but it simply wasn't a smart thing to do, and I swore I'd never do it.

I was so angry at first, when T told me I need to stop. Yeah, stopping is easy, because I **don't** have a problem. I swore to myself that I wouldn't drink this week, just to show her, in part because I was angry she thought I had a problem. She even had the 'nerve' to mention AA, in passing. I was furious. How could she possibly see me that way?This isn't me! I would show her by not drinking this week. No problem, right??

But I've drunk this week, twice, both times way too much. And I'm hanging my head, and I'm so scared to tell her. I don't want to be that pathetic patient who can't control herself. That's not me, I kept saying to her. But I'm afraid it is. And how can I tell her? She wants me to stop, but what if I can't? What if I don't want to stop badly enough?

This isn't me! Please, I don't want this to be me!

(I have to say, though, that I threw out all my razors - huge step for me. But I wonder if I'm trading in one demon for another.....)

[WePow]

((((((((( moonrise! ))))))))) boy howdy am I feeling you ...... trading one demon for another - how well you just summed up the past week of heck on earth for me!!!! Safe hugs to you!!! And whatever you have to do to stay sane - just always be true to yourself.

[BlueMoon6]

Moon- I dont think it is uncommon to change one addiction or method of coping for another. If it isnt cutting, it can be food or alchohol, or sex or anything else. As long as we can get faaaaar away from our feelings and pain.

If you are drinking and doing anything dangerous, please be safe and recognize it for the red flag that it is. It doesnt have to get any worse than this, but it can. You know? It can get much worse. And if you dont want to stop badly enough, can you think about being willing to be willing? Think about wanting to want to not drink. Dont even think about doing it all at once or forever. Can you not drink just for today and not think about not drinking tomorrow?

[moonrise]

Thanks, W and Blue. W, I hope your week is better. It sucks, doesn't it? Blue, you're right when you say I need to think about being willing to be willing. I'm not there yet. But I do have enough trust in T that if she truly pushes me, I'll step up to the plate. I've had some good conversations with dh about the issue as well. Although, frankly he likes me to drink, because it makes me more willing to... well, you know. Ugh - try explaining that one to T!

(((((((((((((((Moon)))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you're having trouble with drinking. I have BEEN THERE and it's frustrating and scary to discover that quitting isn't as easy as we expected it to be.

Being in AA is actually what led me to therapy. About 4 years ago, I realized that I *couldn't* quit drinking. I kept saying "tomorrow I won't drink" and then tomorrow would come and it would be 4 or 5 in the afternoon and I'd be pouring myself a glass of wine. I was a totally "functional" alcoholic...no one would have EVER guessed that I was an alcoholic. I was homeschooling my boys, and working out, and taking everyone to their various activities and cooking healthy dinners etc.etc. etc. But I was also drinking every night to numb all of the feelings I couldn't deal with and to hide from all of the memories I didn't want to remember.

I actually LOVE AA. I was terrified when I went to my first meeting...but it turned out to be a roomful of people just like me...but happier, and sober. AA meetings are one of the few places in real life where I go and people really talk from their hearts, about their real feeings, and struggles, and triumphs. It's really cool.

During my first couple of years in AA, I REALLY struggled - my ED came back, self-harm came back - without alcohol to dull my feelings, I turned to all of these old things I hadn't done in YEARS. I finally decided that in order to really heal, and be whole, I needed to go to therapy. I had never been in therapy before, but I felt desperate and it seemed worth a try.

It's all been a bumpy road, but it feels good to know that I am moving towards health and wholeness and connection.

You can PM me if you want to talk more But you don't have to I just wanted to share my experience with you.

[moonrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((((((((((Moon)))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you're having trouble with drinking. I have BEEN THERE and it's frustrating and scary to discover that quitting isn't as easy as we expected it to be.

Being in AA is actually what led me to therapy. About 4 years ago, I realized that I *couldn't* quit drinking. I kept saying "tomorrow I won't drink" and then tomorrow would come and it would be 4 or 5 in the afternoon and I'd be pouring myself a glass of wine. I was a totally "functional" alcoholic...no one would have EVER guessed that I was an alcoholic. I was homeschooling my boys, and working out, and taking everyone to their various activities and cooking healthy dinners etc.etc. etc. But I was also drinking every night to numb all of the feelings I couldn't deal with and to hide from all of the memories I didn't want to remember.

I actually LOVE AA. I was terrified when I went to my first meeting...but it turned out to be a roomful of people just like me...but happier, and sober. AA meetings are one of the few places in real life where I go and people really talk from their hearts, about their real feeings, and struggles, and triumphs. It's really cool.

During my first couple of years in AA, I REALLY struggled - my ED came back, self-harm came back - without alcohol to dull my feelings, I turned to all of these old things I hadn't done in YEARS. I finally decided that in order to really heal, and be whole, I needed to go to therapy. I had never been in therapy before, but I felt desperate and it seemed worth a try.

It's all been a bumpy road, but it feels good to know that I am moving towards health and wholeness and connection.

You can PM me if you want to talk more But you don't have to I just wanted to share my experience with you.

Thanks so much, Tree. I'm terrified of even the thought of AA, because *I'm* not that bad (at least that's what I keep telling myself). I'm scared to admit to the possibility. I guess a lot goes back to my preconceived ideas about alcoholics. You've given me much to think about. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It makes it somewhat less frightening, you know?

BTW, I love your quote. I tried to memorize the whole thing as a kid, but "go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence" was as far as I got.

[PsyChris]

What do you think has changed in your life the last few months that's led you to drinking as a release? You are definitely not alone in this. Try to remember that your T is here to help you and not to judge. He/she wants what is best for you and will help you realize your goals to be independent of this addiction that is forming.

Would it help you to know whats behind alcohol addiction? Why you actually get addicted has less to do with your control and will power than it does your biology and genes. Alcohol can awake a powerful force in your brain that forces you to continue drinking, while you may know in your heart you shouldn't be doing this. I hope you feel better soon.

I think a good step to take in the meantime is to get the temptation away from you. Remove alcohol from your house, and avoid events where you know others will be drinking around you.

[moonrise]

Originally Posted by PsyChris

What do you think has changed in your life the last few months that's led you to drinking as a release? You are definitely not alone in this. Try to remember that your T is here to help you and not to judge. He/she wants what is best for you and will help you realize your goals to be independent of this addiction that is forming.

Would it help you to know whats behind alcohol addiction? Why you actually get addicted has less to do with your control and will power than it does your biology and genes. Alcohol can awake a powerful force in your brain that forces you to continue drinking, while you may know in your heart you shouldn't be doing this. I hope you feel better soon.

I think a good step to take in the meantime is to get the temptation away from you. Remove alcohol from your house, and avoid events where you know others will be drinking around you.

What has changed is that I'm in therapy again, digging up stuff I had thought I had killed away. Before when I was in therapy, I never had money to drink. This time around, I do. And yeah, a powerful force. Crazy powerful, I've discovered.

I don't have any family members that are addicted, except a sister who was way into drugs/alcohol for years during adolescence, but is now clean (not sober, but not problematic that I know of). No idea if genetics are involved, but not even sure if this is a *problem* yet, IYKWIM. T sort of freaked out because of one incident, which freaked me out. Anyhow....

Thanks for the reminder of T not judging. I have to remember that one. I am so quick to judge, I sometimes think everyone else is the same way.

[PsyChris]

I think you should take some time to write down the things that would have to happen with the alcohol that would make you think you are addicted. Many an addict has been in control only too lose it and not realize it until it is too late.

[VickiesPath]

Moonrise,

Go take a look at my profile picture and then come back to this post. Go ahead and do it. I'll wait.

OK, did you go look? Cuz if you didn't I'm not going to tell you the rest.

OK, promise you did go look.

Now, do I look like someone who was in AA for 9 years? What's more, I worked for the government as a special investigator for 11 years and then attended AA for 9 years? In between those two, I lived in subsidized housing for the mentally ill and received food stamps? NO? Well it's all true. People tell me all the time that I don't look like this or I don't look like that. People tell me all the time today that I don't look like I am bipolar and have PTSD. And I usually say, what does one look like who has those things? It's truly funny.

I think you get my point. There is no typical alcoholic or mentally ill person. There are only those who want to get well and make their lives better. They look like you and me. And the more we work to remove the stigma attached to getting into programs like these that help us get well, the more people will look like you and me.

Do the best thing for yourself. We care about you, too.