Since I had that big trigger over a month ago in my T's office with that women in the other room doing that hitting the noodle thing in her therapy. Therapy was intense that week and the next. But now things have been too easy I think. That worries me because I don't want my sessions to feel like I am talking with a friend, that is how things got started down the wrong path with my unethical T. I have been going 2x a week since that incident and now things feel not very deep, she isn't pushing me at all and that makes it too easy for me to avoid doing anything except surface stuff.

Well my session this week on Tues, at end she said something to the affect that If I felt I didn't need to come in today, I could cancel this morning and it would be okay. In the beginning of that session she asked me if I switched days to Tues instead of Wed. because I needed to really see her or because I a conflict with my original time. I said neither, I said it just felt weird to go in 2 days in a row. (that was all she has available at the time)

Then I emailed her some poems last night and asked if there was something I could plan on working in therapy because I haven't had a trigger to work on in about a month. Then in an email I got from her this morning she said other stuff, but also said that she was very comfortable with me canceling today if I wanted to. (very comfortable) Well after all this stuff she said and wrote this week, I emailed her back and asked her if she wanted me to cancel due to her being busy or that she wanted to do something else. (which would have been fine with me). I said it felt like she was trying to blow me off today and not being completely honest with me about the situation.

Well she called me this time back and said it wasn't the case and that If I wanted to come in I could. I asked, are you sure???? So I agreed to come in , in as little as 2 hours from now. And now I don't want to come it for being such a poopy head. lol

But the point of scheduling 2x a week as first was due to getting triggered badly and then the point was to work on more intense stuff while I was off for winter break from school. But the last4 or 5 session haven't felt intense at all, especially for someone who need more work on going through trauma desensitization therapy.

So why am I writing this, I don't know. lol other than I Feel like a big poopy head right now.

[WePow]

((((((( exoticflower ))))))) It sounds like you are in a bit of therapy rest stage. It takes a great deal of energy to go through the therapy process. Those who have chronic trauma face times in therapy when we need to just "cool off" a bit. There is nothing at all wrong with this. It is very much a natural part of healing. It allows us time to regroup our energy and rest up. When you are rested, you will be able to go back into the hard work again. Sometimes our mind knows how to take care of us better than we know how to take care of our mind :-)

[skeksi]

There is an ebb and flow to trauma therapy. It is a very good sign that you haven't had any bad triggers to work on lately! That means the therapy is helping!

I wonder if your T said that in order to give *you* an out, in case you didn't feel like going. It sounds like a communication mixup and I understand your hurt feelings and embarrassment. Sounds like me!

I do hope you go and see that everything is okay between you and T. Even if you don't work on triggers, going and talking is important to your healing.

Thanks Wpowers,

I guess for me I have been ready to dive back in since for a couple of weeks now, part of it is because I know therapy is working and I am confident that I can handle the hard stuff that comes up. (especilly since this last trigger and my growing trust with my T)

But T does have a point of learning to be okay with feeling okay sometimes. Something about if turmoil is all you learned growing up, it is what you find most comforting. I think that might be part of it, but part of it is I want to say giddy up let's go!

It is even weird for me to be telling T, give me more crap to deal with when normally I would rather hide from the past.

I guess everyone can see why I need therapy.... Like I said I am being a poopy head, a big one.

Thanks Skeksi,

Yup therapy is working. (thank goodness for that) I am not really feeling hurt by my T (because I trust she wouldn't do that on purpose) but I am like, hey you T, YOU ARE BLOWING ME OFF and I caught you! haha!

But you are probably right about what she was thinking. So since when is she so easy? lol

This poopy head is leaving in 1/2 hour. to face the

Well I had the most intense session ever in my life. I will write more about it, I have to eat with the family and watch movies right now. Everyone have a safe holiday and may all your wishes for 2010 come true!

[chaotic13]

Exotic, sounds like she heard you saying giddy up!

[googley]

Exotic-
I'm glad that you had a good session. However, please don't call yourself names!

glad to hear you had a deeper session.

while i don't really think you are a poopy head at least you are an exotic poopy head!