travelling T's back up plans

Each time T leaves, she tells me i have lots of skills to utilize (which seem to dissipate about the time she is boarding an aircraft) and several practitioners i know at the clinic that I can call (this is the reason I am posting). "Let's set up a back-up plan" she says to me. "Who can you contact here if you are having a hard time?" I stare at her blankly, knowing full well what I want to say, but sensing it will not be recieved well. She starts naming off dr's practitioners, therapists, even my case worker. "Do you feel like you can call on them if you need to, Kiya?" No. I don't. I've set up time with one back up therapist before - that was a qualified disater. "Well you could call your Dr." Oh sure, because she has all the time in the world.
Sure enough, i hit that point. Everything was coming down around my ears. I had set up an ankle apnt with one Dr and started crying in there - I think she thought it was ankle pain. I didn't elaborate that it is me having a mini mental breakdown. She didn't ask. She was aware of it being nearly 5pm. I took that as a sign to leave without speaking of my mental distress - something she likes to simply call "stress". I have also gotten into trouble with answering her in-depth questions which destablize me and leave my T confused as to why i would confide in her; "She's a practitioner, Kiya!!! Not a therapist!". *&$!#&!!! thanks for that update.

So when I left, i asked the front desk if I might be able to check in with my main dr (who has said in the past I could do this, but then didn't seem to take it to heart). They checked, and naturally, she was running out the door to a meeting. *sigh*. I locked myself in the bathroom until i could stop sobbing. I know better - no one is EVER available when I really REALLY need help (IRL - i know you are all here - thank all things holy - or i'd have really lost my mind by now). T keeps telling me to not hold that belief so that I do not create it. I mean, i know mind over matter n stuff, but REALLY!? These folks all have practices of their own. They're all tired and overworked. The last thing they need is someone in "crisis" who isn't even on their schedule for the day.

When i was back in control, I went to my car, and saw my group T sitting in his car. This is the dude that T wanted me to check in with and see if he might be available for me in crisis. Usually, i think he's a total slob and I don't believe that he can help me at all (judgement, i know), but I have been doing better in group. Last time i totally opened up and said things in there I've never said before; for example "my dad was a pedophile and often attacked me over the years). One guy in there seemed totally shocked. T seemed to smooth over his shock, look like he hears this everyday, said "With that, I release you all into the world" and then told me to have a good week after I told him i need a decompression chamber and sat in an empty room off the hallway.

I had asked him about being available to me during T's absence, and he was silent. I took that as a no. He then slowly said "I might possibly be open to that. We can talk about it" T was leaving in 5 days. We never talked about it. So anyway, as I mentioned, he was sitting in his car in the parking lot. Now, I know some people at the end of their rope (like i was) might have gone over to him in his car, knocked on the window, and said "Ok i'm losing it - do your stuff - this is where you fix it". But i didn't. I thought about it. But got in my car and slammed the door in a fit of rage (that is happening more and more often now *scary!*) and again broke down . Personally, I think he could have seen me - I was 2 cars away, i could clearly see him, and he knows my car. not that he should have taken initive, just it was on my mind. When i got a grip again, he had left.

The back up t I did go see was someone I had met unrelated to the clinic and had permission between her and my T for me to see her. Thankfully, she is accessable via email and fairly willing to step in at last minute notice. Sadly I went to group after I saw her, and for once wished I hadn't gone to group. Sooooooooooooooooooooooo there's my long rant. When T comes back I get to tell her NO! Don't suggest that I have support here in this clinic! They may "care about me", yes. but they are not AVAILABLE to me. DOn't suggest it anymore. It does me no good getting my hopes up that there is support."

meh.

((((Kiya))))

I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I think your T fell down on the job of providing you with someone to contact while she is out of town. I can see where she probably wanted you to use your skills of asking for help from other people, but it seems like she should have also done that too and provided a specific person who had agreed to cover for her. I hope that you feel comfortable contacting someone (your case manager for example) if you need support while she is gone.

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These folks all have practices of their own. They're all tired and overworked. The last thing they need is someone in "crisis" who isn't even on their schedule for the day.

Also I see a lot of negative thinking in your post. Ideas that you are not worthy of the attention of the other clinicians in the clinic. You seem to assume without talking to most of them that they would be unwilling to help you. It seems like you are allowing yourself to feel that you are not worthy of support. (which is not true!) While the one clinician was running out the door and couldn't talk to you then, could you call her and talk to her or leave a message for her to call back?

thanks googly. in theory, yes. in practice, i am "good" at shutting the emotions down completely and locking them away again. so that in the event that I got to talk to the clinician later, i'd be "fine" by then... there is a DID workshop coming up that I may be able to participate in which will work on safe containment while allowing the emotion to be looked at.

I totally know what you mean by this. I often don't call just because I don't know when my T will get back to me and I believe I will feel stupid if everything is "locked down" by the time she calls back.

((((((((((((((((kiya)))))))))))))))))))))

Ugh, it's such a bad feeling when we can't find help in that moment when we really need it. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I wonder if it would be good to meet with the clinician even if you are feeling better? We don't have to be in crisis to get help and support. I think that when I let myself get help even after the crisis moment has passed, I am showing myself (my selves) that I am deserving of support and I don't have to be in crisis to get it. It helps me feel cared for, and maybe it helps prevent another moment of crisis, you know?

to you....it's so hard when T is gone.

Actually, that's a really good idea, Tree. Kiya, perhaps meeting an altnernative T while not in crisis (or even while reguialr T is here) could help establish that back up relationship for you? Not a bad idea at all.

Tree, Luce - yeah really good points. Tree, I liked the notion of "not needing to be in crisis to get care", and Luce with the idea of establishing the relationship before T is out.
That is sort of how I know my current "back up t" who i called during the emergency. I'd gone to a workshop of her's when T was somewhere over the summer, liked her and felt like I knew her, had a session with her again when T was out, and then this time emailed again and connected fairly easily. We're still not entrely comfortable since we come in, still wearing coat, and sit rigidly in the chair - not moving or taking off coat the whole time. But I talk easily enough, which is interesting. Each brings out different dynamics. Course, with T, if i am huddling or clutching my coat (from nerves always) she turns up the heat and broils me out of it. lol. moves the space heater to my feet.

But now even that back up T i met with this past week is out of town. Thing about meeting with my clinician (dr) is that she is back up 6 weeks in advance. T tells me i can just call her up - but I'm not sure who she's kidding.
OK - gonna stop rambling now =)

(((((((Kiya)))))) Im sorry that you are having such a difficult time while T is away. I think that is a really good suggestion from Tree. That you dont need to be in crisis to get support. During the moments of feeling better, can you set up an appointment iwth anyone you feel even remotely comfortable with? The clinician? This way should you need immediate support, she will know what is going on. Is this the same person as the T you met in a workshop? The back up T?

What a great idea to go to the DID workshop. Do you have any friends from group or any workshops? When I have met friends through that kind of thing the connection is deeper and sometimes I can get things out a little easier than to a T.

the gals from my trauma workshop were all really close and we met about every month or two... but now one is MIA and the other rarely calls. the 3rd had taken her life by the horns and off she goes! The diff. between 19 and 33 I will work on it bluey. Yes, the back up T is the one from the soul collage workshop i did =) now she's out of town too.

Kiya, since you know that you often would like extra support when your T is away, can you set it up in advance? Schedule an official appointment with your doctor weeks before your T leaves, so that it is on the books and you can be assured of seeing her. My GP is tightly scheduled, so I know that she would not be able to see me if I stopped by her office or phoned the same day. It sounds like yours is similar, and this is, in a way, to be expected with a GP. I think your T should not be making promises for you to get support from other practitioners unless she has knowledge about whether it would be OK. She shouldn't lead you to believe you can get support from your GP on short notice unless that is really true. How does she know your GP could provide this? It seems like she's talking off the top of her head unless she has either talked with GP or verified with you that you know you can reach the GP when you need her.

If your T expects you to go see the group T while she is away, she should probably talk with him to verify it is really OK and he can see you. It seems like when you broached the possibility to the group T, he was taken aback and perhaps not sure this was even OK. Your T needs to have more of a role here. I hope you will share with your T what happened when you mentioned to the group T you wanted to see him.

I think since you know you have difficulty getting through your T's breaks, you should not wait til crisis when she is away to see someone. You chould schedule a couple of "preventive" sessions in advance so you can get support. I think many therapists and doctors are scheduled so tightly that they cannot see you on short notice like that, especially when you are not one of their primary clients, so you need to schedule in advance to be assured of getting to see them. I am surprised your own T does not know this.

Kiya, you really need to tell your T that these people are not available to you on the spur of the moment. Since you haven't told her this, I guess she just doesn't know, even though it seems like she should. But some people are kind of dense about certain things, so please tell her. Otherwise, she'll just keep suggesting this same "solution" that doesn't work.

Thanks Sunrise - lots of good feedback. It is a frustrating situation.
*i do not like most the other T's in the bldg.
*I never wanted to see group T before this time around - and i guess he was not prepared for that.
*the other T that i have seen (now twice) has told me very clearly that she could see me "a time or *two*" for the half price reduction of $60 (i see t for free since I have no health care and am below poverty level)... so options are slim at best.
*yes I do need to make a GP apnt in advance next time. I have been angry with her and canceled ALL apnts with her - haven't seen her since... gosh, i don't even know.
*To be fair in my own responsibility, I have been noticing a pattern (that i really didn't want to believe) of having high expectations in my practitioners (well anyone really) and believe all of what they say when they tell me they can help me. Then when that falls short (and it always falls short), I am upset and angry, I shut down and go back to "FINE i'll do it mySELF." which really gets me no further than i was. I need to understand that each individual can only go so far (of course with me working with them as much as poss) and then i have to take up the mantle and go from there. Turtling in does me no good in those situations.

Glad to have the op to self reflect

I relate to this so so so much, Kiya. I have begun to notice this not only in my relationship with T, but also with friends. One little letdown, and I shut down. It is like pulling teeth to get me to reconnect.

I suppose it is related to being let down so many times before. It's an effort to protect ourselves, but it is so outdated.

I'm sorry the other practitioners were not there for you. I am glad, though, that you were able to come here and reach out. That's good.

I find that it's hard enough to reach out to my own T, let alone a back-up T, when I'm in a crisis situation...so I can only imagine what you were struggling with.

One thing that I am trying to do is work towards getting my needs met. This would include having to ask for what I need....which is so hard for me...and then if the need is not being met, to acknowledge it in the moment. Sounds easy, but reality is that it's incredibly hard to execute....

(((((Kiya))))) I just want to give you a big hug. I know I always say that to you when I post to you. I dont know, I relate to you SO much and you bring up hugs for me! I have felt this way, too. That I SOOOO badly want to be taken care of. I want to believe every word literally of what I am told and I dont want, I JUST DONT WANT to take responsibilty. And then I flip, like you said, and want to do it all myself and get into trouble, even deliberately.

I am trying to think of what has gotten me out of that head. I have high expectations, I want them to do it all for me, I get upset and annoyed if I have to do it for myself, not really out of laziness, but because deep deep down I feel quite incapable of really knowing what to do and how to take care of myself. And I wonder if, for me, there isnt a shred of feeling entitled to having someone do it for me. OK- maybe none of this fits for you. But I think possibly the way I get out of that mode is doing what I need to do for myself very little by little. And it snowballs eventually into being able to do quite a few things for myself. And enjoying the freedom it gives me.

What do you think? Am I obnoxiously off base here????

yeah *sigh*... hard to acknowledge... but there it is. the wanting to, and feeling incapable on one side... and theshread of feeling entitled, and cursing myself for feeling that and thinking "oh crap - i've become my parents". ((((((((Bluey)))))))))

DING... I do give my self "T Points" for when I do manage to ask for what I need. It helps a little. Need that gold star to bring some joy in the work. I got 2 T Points the other day =) ((((((MUE))))))))

Hahahaha that got a laugh - "outdated". that's awesome. Yeah, it is a form of protection... seems so scary. ((((((((Skeksi)))))))))