[Melbadaze]

As I wrote earlier this week about the break through regarding having the situaiton with my adoptive mother named finally, ie, her psychotic situation, all the crowd of people that normally riot within me at times of stress and fear, having gone quite, I try to bring them to mind and the night has turned to day, and most of the crowd has gone, theres just 2 or 3 left roaming, wondering where to go, where have they been.

T asked me if I miss these people? I said, yes. T said perhaps you will have room to do other things now? I looked questioninly over at her?? She said, well these people have taken up an awful lot of your energy, now perhaps you will tme to do something you enjoy?

I sat quite for a while and then suddenly I said "I spy with my little eye" and T said, thats good, play, I looked again, she said, well normally the space is so serious in here, but you've now found room for play.

I guess I should feel elated that the crowd has dispersed? That my session today wasn't urgent? But I feel rather sad, I guess because I've always felt that unless I am in crisis no one will notice me? care? so use to being in desperate need when with T and today was different.

I guess change is always strange at first? or else it wouldnt be change?

But my peoples that have lived in my head have gone, hope their ok.

(((((((((((( Melbadaze )))))))))))))

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I've always felt that unless I am in crisis no one will notice me? care?

Not sure this is the related: it sometimes seems I need to be in crisis mode because if I am not vigilant, a disaster will happen. In fact, the one time I thought I had graduated from the crisis mode into what appeared to be health, my then T attacked me (verbally) for it. Then I really fell into a disaster.

[peaches100]

Melbadaze,

I am so happy to hear about your major breakthrough!! It sounds like once you were able to understand the situation for what it was, much of the pain and angst went away. I am so glad for you! Where do you see yourself going from here?

[Melbadaze]

Patchy, I have no worries in reality about T being anything but supportive.

Peaches, where do I see myself going from here?, I guess more able to go deeper, as I'm sure this revelation will surely lead to other stuff, but perhaps less
Panic when it happens? I'm not to sure.

[zooropa]

that does sound like a major breakthrough, melb
I can relate to change being scary, even "good" change. It's new, by definition, and when we don't know what to expect next that's uncomfortable. It takes courage to be willing to go there anyway. good for you!