[mixedup_emotions]

OK, so you know I'm in a bad place right now. My T wants to see me tomorrow morning, and I really don't want to go. I am going anyway, because I know that it's what I have to do.

But does it even help? What will magically happen in 40 minutes that will make any kind of difference?

I don't want to talk. I don't want to see him. The thought of going to his office makes me want to run far and fast....

So, it's quite possibly the med change - withdrawal effects - whatever. He'll probably want me to schedule an appt with their psychiatrist (who doesn't take insurance, mind you). Just what I need, more expenses. Or, he'll want me to go to the hospital, which I don't want to do.

For those of you who have been in this awful place, has it helped you to see T? If so, how did it help?

I'm in that awful place right now, and I saw my t today. It does help to see him. He keeps me grounded. He's a lifeline when things are really bad. I'm glad you are going to see him. You know it is the right thing to do right now, and yes, you really need to see you psychiatrist too.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I'm in that awful place right now, and I saw my t today. It does help to see him. He keeps me grounded. He's a lifeline when things are really bad. I'm glad you are going to see him. You know it is the right thing to do right now, and yes, you really need to see you psychiatrist too.

I'm sorry you're in that awful place too....

I hope seeing T tomorrow helps me too, even though he's the last person I want to see right now.

I don't have a psychiatrist. My depression meds were prescribed by my primary dr and now the headache specialist.

A psychiatrist would be ideal, but I hate the idea of spending more money on a non-insurance-covered dr when my other docs are handling it. Of course, if I'm feeling like this, then maybe they're not doing the best job of it.

((( HUGS )))

[betsybean]

It's definately not something that usually makes things worse... i wish i still had a thereapist... actually i really wish i had the money to go back to the childrens part of the hospital. i gueaa i would need to be a kid again for that though...

[Giabrina]

I definately think you should keep your appointment with your therapist tomorrow. But my personal experience is that I always walked out of appointments like this (when I was at the lowest of my lows, at the end of my rope) feeling worse than when I walked in. Most of the time, I felt more suicidal coming out of the appointment than going in, because I desperately wanted to feel better and yet it did not happen. I agree with your thought -- what can magically happen in 40 minutes that will ever make a difference? Nothing ever did.

So after a few appointments like this, and after being hospitalized, having electric shock therapy, having lots of counseling and tons of medication changes -- I came to the conclusion -- if all of this didn't work then what will work??!! So I decided to educate myself about my disease and learn everything I can about it. What I learned is that there is no cure for being bipolar and that I will be bipolar for the rest of my live. I will always have ups and downs. So I have come to accept that and realize that this is part of who I am. I don't necessarily like it, but I do accept it and learned to "embrace" it. I still have really low periods and experience suicidal thoughts. But now instead of beating myself up when I get down, I just remember that this mood and my suicidal thoughts will pass. I try to be proactive and plan for my depressed days. I think about my kids when I get suicidal thoughts and I keep pushing through for their sake. I think about all the other people who have suicidal thoughts and know that many of them get through it and so will I.

So please keep your appointment tomorrow, but also please try accept and embrace who you are and know that this mood will pass. I remain hopeful that someday a new medication will be invented that will help ease my symptoms. Instead of wishing I was someone different or adopting a 'woe is me' attitude or throwing myself a pity party -- I embrace my variety of moods and always remember that I will get through this no matter how bad it gets and all I can hope for is a better tomorrow.

[polarsmom]

I was in a terrible place a short time ago. A funk that I just couldn't get out of. And I struggled on a daily basis with just everyday kind of stuff. I still went to therapy. And it helped. We didn't try to climb any mountains or fix anything. Just talked some things out that seemed to add to my anxiety, stress and so on. Just tried to find some positive things. Little things to focus on to brighten my day. Lift my spirits and basically relax. And those sessions really did help change my thinking. Put a positive spin on things. Breaking the negative cycle that I just couldn't do on my own. It just seemed to prevent things from getting worse. Which was a good thing. It's pretty bad when you annoy yourself! I was in a bad place. My lowest ever and it scared me.

If you don't think your meds are working for you and need to up the dose or want to change it up talk to your doctor that's prescribing your meds now. Explain that you can't afford to see a psychiatrist because it's not covered by your insurance. I don't see why they wouldn't work with you to get you on the correct meds. If the psychiatrist prescribed your meds, call the office and see if they can call in a script or something to help with the additional symptoms.

[ECHOES]

I'm sorry you are in that place
Yes, I was in an awful place a week ago. Could not function. But did call T (something new for me, reaching out instead of hiding away) and she was able to see me the afternoon that I called. The spiralling down had begun several days before.
It did help. It helped that I recognized that reaching out was a good thing and something I actually wanted to do this time, even though I didn't know what good it would do. It helped being there because she helped me pull apart what I was experiencing and to put words to those experiences and feelings. It helped because it was a step toward moving past where I was. It helped just having someone who cared enough to make time for me and to listen to me once I could find words.

I hope your appointment helps you feel better.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone....

My PC friends are what are getting me through this. I'm sorry to be such a burden. But you all have really helped tremendously...Thank you.

I've been at the bottom before, and it was awful. It IS awful. But I've never been this low AND so distraught about seeing T. I don't know why it's different this time. I had always been able to face T before, and it's like now is when I don't want to see him, hear his voice, AARGH!

I e-mailed him back tonight saying, "I realize that UGH is not an answer...I will see u tomorrow morning"....LOL

[ECHOES]

You are never a burden

I'm glad you are going, even while UGH. I hope it's a really helpful session for you.

[Christina86]

It did help to see my psychiatrist (he does meds and psychotherapy!). Because although it sucks to be in an awful place emotionally and in our head, it does sometimes make it easier to know that someone cares about us. Even if we don't necessarily believe they're telling the truth.

I was *this* close to being admitted into hospital before Christmas. Thankfully I wasn't, but the more I thought about it afterward, the more I wish I had given the idea a chance. Surviving Christmas was HARD by myself with no support from a therapist or psychiatrist.

Maybe you can consider what you would suggest to a friend going through the same scenario as you? Certainly you wouldn't want them to suffer in silence and would want them to seek help, right?

I hope seeing T does help you... even just a little bit. Having a "lifeline" is good, having a safe place to be is also good, and having someone who cares about you is also very good.

[mixedup_emotions]

Oh my....the reality that I am going to see T tomorrow is getting to me....Seeing him, hearing his voice....ugh....Boy, it's going to be tough to tell him in person that I am dreading hearing his voice.

When I'm in a rough spot, his voice changes to a soft, soothing, warm tone....and it's that tone that I am dreading right now. I can hear myself saying STOP TALKING TO ME!!! SHUT UP!!!!

This is so weird for me. I hope he can help me figure out why I am feeling this way towards him....

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Oh my....the reality that I am going to see T tomorrow is getting to me....Seeing him, hearing his voice....ugh....Boy, it's going to be tough to tell him in person that I am dreading hearing his voice.

When I'm in a rough spot, his voice changes to a soft, soothing, warm tone....and it's that tone that I am dreading right now. I can hear myself saying STOP TALKING TO ME!!! SHUT UP!!!!

This is so weird for me. I hope he can help me figure out why I am feeling this way towards him....

Oh my gosh. I totally understand that. I think you may have just voiced one of the issues I have in therapy at times.

((((((((mue)))))))))))))

I hate that they change the tone of voice the minute you're in crisis sometimes, because you KNOW if you weren't in crisis they'd be treating you differently. I also hate it when people are nice to me, because I feel I don't deserve it. And all you want to do is tell them to shut up.

Yeah, understood. On the upside, I'm on the other side of a computer screen so I can send hugs and you don't have to hear my voice. (Which can be a bonus sometimes, and a bummer at other times)

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Christina86

Oh my gosh. I totally understand that. I think you may have just voiced one of the issues I have in therapy at times.

((((((((mue)))))))))))))

I hate that they change the tone of voice the minute you're in crisis sometimes, because you KNOW if you weren't in crisis they'd be treating you differently. I also hate it when people are nice to me, because I feel I don't deserve it. And all you want to do is tell them to shut up.

Yeah, understood. On the upside, I'm on the other side of a computer screen so I can send hugs and you don't have to hear my voice. (Which can be a bonus sometimes, and a bummer at other times)

WOW, I'm SO GLAD that someone can relate!!! I thought it was just me losing my mind....(which could be the case too)....LOL

Thanks for the hugs!

My session with T is in 3 hours....Yikes.

[theave]

I hope it goes well

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm leaving in about 10 minutes.....My heart is racing. Ugh. If I just said NO to the session I wouldn't be feeling this way....

(I know, I know....going is the right thing to do. I'm going, I'm going.)

[ECHOES]

You are already on your way, yay

[wonderingmary]

Originally Posted by Giabrina

I will always have ups and downs. So I have come to accept that and realize that this is part of who I am. I don't necessarily like it, but I do accept it and learned to "embrace" it. I still have really low periods and experience suicidal thoughts. But now instead of beating myself up when I get down, I just remember that this mood and my suicidal thoughts will pass. I try to be proactive and plan for my depressed days. I think about my kids when I get suicidal thoughts and I keep pushing through for their sake. I think about all the other people who have suicidal thoughts and know that many of them get through it and so will I.

So ... please try accept and embrace who you are and know that this mood will pass.-- I embrace my variety of moods and always remember that I will get through this no matter how bad it gets and all I can hope for is a better tomorrow.

Yes, yes, yes. I have come to believe (via the school of hard knocks) that acceptance is one of the best things we can do to help ourselves. Consequently I think that sometimes one of the best things a therapist can do to help us is to be accepting, and thereby help us accept ourselves. The old serenity prayer really said it: "... give me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by Giabrina

I definately think you should keep your appointment with your therapist tomorrow. But my personal experience is that I always walked out of appointments like this (when I was at the lowest of my lows, at the end of my rope) feeling worse than when I walked in. Most of the time, I felt more suicidal coming out of the appointment than going in, because I desperately wanted to feel better and yet it did not happen. I agree with your thought -- what can magically happen in 40 minutes that will ever make a difference? Nothing ever did.

So after a few appointments like this, and after being hospitalized, having electric shock therapy, having lots of counseling and tons of medication changes -- I came to the conclusion -- if all of this didn't work then what will work??!! So I decided to educate myself about my disease and learn everything I can about it. What I learned is that there is no cure for being bipolar and that I will be bipolar for the rest of my live. I will always have ups and downs. So I have come to accept that and realize that this is part of who I am. I don't necessarily like it, but I do accept it and learned to "embrace" it. I still have really low periods and experience suicidal thoughts. But now instead of beating myself up when I get down, I just remember that this mood and my suicidal thoughts will pass. I try to be proactive and plan for my depressed days. I think about my kids when I get suicidal thoughts and I keep pushing through for their sake. I think about all the other people who have suicidal thoughts and know that many of them get through it and so will I.

So please keep your appointment tomorrow, but also please try accept and embrace who you are and know that this mood will pass. I remain hopeful that someday a new medication will be invented that will help ease my symptoms. Instead of wishing I was someone different or adopting a 'woe is me' attitude or throwing myself a pity party -- I embrace my variety of moods and always remember that I will get through this no matter how bad it gets and all I can hope for is a better tomorrow.

Spot on! .