quitting therapy

if only . i just forget conflict as a coping thing, it has nothing to do with real life and living it to the full. i'm not sure how to break through the forgetting, though. it isnt a conscious decision at all, and sometimes i do wish i could recall incidents for longer.

You know deli, I have a horrible memory AND I have little memory of my childhood. My T suspects its because my mom has invalidated my feelings for so long that I don't trust my own, and just stuff them down before I am even aware of it.

I find it helpful to write down ANY significant feeling as it happens, because I know that I will tell myself later it isn't a big deal, I was over-reacting...blah blah blah and then not think of it again until it crops up again.

Sometimes I'm able to talk about it to T, sometimes not. Just a thought!

i feel like i'm a bad person if i write down the negative stuff though, yknow? isn't it better to just forget it and not make a big deal out of it? i dont have a problem remembering the good stuff.

i used to keep a journal when i was in my teens, but i read over it recently and it was so whiny!! i dont want to have negative thoughts about other people .

the other problem that is now popping up is that i'm not sure i'm even going to be able to afford therapy into the future, if i move out of home. everything is so expensive here, i'll be living hand to mouth even without spending extra on therapy/meds. AND i might be losing my job, though it's not entirely definite yet. so i'm questioning again whether this is worth fighting for.

i know the advice will be to talk to austin-t about it, but i'm precious when it comes to money matters - if i can't afford it, i'll be damned if i ask for a discount (which im already receiving anyway). things just feel really difficult today. i'm sorry.

Oh, deli. Hugs. I'm on my phone...but I will type up a proper response when I get home!

(((((((((((((((( deli )))))))))))))))

dont be sorry!

first of all: teenagers are whiny!
second: i HIGHLY doubt it is whiny. highly, highly doubt.
third: why don't you want to think negative things about other people? i just want to take you under my wing.
fourth: austin-t seems to have been flexible with payments, maybe he can help you out temporarily if you do lose your job?
fifth: have you seen pdoc in awhile? i know you were having problems with him...but he seems SO good for you.

Now, I probably sound like a broken record, but thats ok I don't know why, but your posts affect me greatly. I care about you and what happens. The pattern I see over and over is you being GREATLY upset by something, reaching out here for help...and when you return, you have turned your pain off. Yes, there are instances when you feel hurt, you feel those feelings...and move on. BUT, this is not the case with you. You can not just turn off that pain without consequences.

Sure, you can stuff down your negative feelings towards pdoc, or austin-t and "move on", but when that happens, you pull away as well--and that doesn't get you any healthier. They are there to see you in any emotion you feel. Their job is to make it ok for you to be angry, sad, happy, a wreck and it is ok.

Oh, Velcro...me, too! I experienced the exact same thing. And I suspect my bad memory is also from being so thoroughly invalidated that I felt like I had no self. I am used to dismissing myself before I even realize what happened.

yeah...it sucks, huh?