The Reality of the T Relationship

sunrise · Feb 03, 2010, 02:14 AM

peaches, I found your email to your T to contain a number of assumptions about what your T thinks and feels, her motivations, etc. I didn't find her email mad but just asking you not to make assumptions about her. She had the really good suggestion that you talk to her in person about this. I think sometimes that exchanges of long emails with therapists are not helpful. If you speak with her face to face, then you can immediately get a false assumption corrected and be steered down the correct path rather than getting no feedback (like in an email) and so continuing down the wrong path of understanding and laying more incorrect assumptions on the first, until you get really, really off track. The incorrect assumptions can just pile on, without in-person feedback to set us straight.

If you want to keep emailing your T about your sessions, one way to avoid assumptions and misunderstandings is to focus on you and your feelings and reactions rather than writing about your T. Like instead of trying to attribute meaning to the fact that your T didn't respond to you, you could say something like, "our session today was so meaningful to me, and I felt hurt when you didn't respond to my email about it." That is telling how you feel, and the rest is just fact (your T didn't respond). You aren't telling your T how she felt or what she thought. You give her space to respond and tell you how she did feel or what she did think. If you make assumptions and try to tell the person what they were thinking and what their actions must mean (you didn't respond, therefore I am not important to you; or you didn't respond, therefore my session was not important to you and you don't care enough to think about me outside of session, etc.), they get pushed into a defensive position. (T's can be better at handling that than most.) I don't think your T was mad at you, but just trying to let you know a better way to communicate to avoid misunderstandings.

I have found this book to be really great at explaining communication skills like these. I am slowly learning these skills (3 steps forward, 2 steps back). For me, therapy has been a great place to practice.
Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life, by Marshall Rosenberg

I hope you can talk to your T about all of this in person, and get a chance to check your assumptions with her.

I do remember being stuck in a spot with my T, where I felt he had lied to me, and I could not get over it or "get" his alternative explanation. We had to go over it several times in the course of one session before I finally got it and could get some peace from my wrong assumption that he had deliberately lied to me (I am sure he was glad for some peace too). Email would not have resolved anything. My unofficial "rule" on emails to T is 3 sentences. If it's too complex to say in 3 sentences, then we are both probably better served if I say it in person.

(((((peaches)))))

Feb 03, 2010, 05:01 AM

peaches, first i just want to say i think you are really growing lately with the things you've been experiencing and posting about. it is so cool to see.

there probably isn't much i can add to what everyone else has said. when i had my rupture with my T recently i emailed her thinking it would be a good way to say things that i didn't think i could say in person. it didn't go well at all and i have definitely learned my lesson about email. when my T didn't respond i was quite surprised and hurt and when she finally did after my prompting it seemed kind of cold to me. the thing is my T has never been cold to me in person or on the phone. she just isn't that way. so, if you think the email from your T sounded angry then one thing you can do is check that with what you do know for sure about your T. does she get angry with you? i'm guessing no from all your posts i've read. she sounds like she cares about you a ton even if her email did seem a bit brisk.

as others have mentioned i do think you are making assumptions about her thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and this is something to work on and i think it will help you tremendously to stop the spiraling. what sunny suggested about keeping the focus on your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors in your communication with her seems really important. it helps us take responsibility and own our own stuff rather than projecting it onto others. also, ask her, rather than assuming, what she is thinking or feeling, etc. you said things in your email about her not thinking about you outside session or not caring as much as you but there is just no way for you to know these things. i would bet money that she thinks of you outside of session.

instead, you could say you felt neglected or ignored or whatever. or you could ask her if she thinks of you outside of session. ok, i would never be brave enough to ask something like that but you might be.

you might also want to think about whether emailing her between sessions is worth all the trouble it causes you. it does seem to cause you a lot of heartache. maybe some of your emails with her are good but overall is it helping or hurting you? i think what sunny mentioned about how email can drag out problems is really key. i very much experienced that with my T and if we'd talked it all would have been resolved so much faster and with so much less spiraling on my part. maybe instead of email you could ask her if she'd be willing to write you something positive on a notecard before you leave each session (or have her leave you a voicemail like tree's T does). that way you'd have something tangible to hold onto that she said that would bring you comfort between sessions.

whatever you do i still think you're doing wonderfully peaches. you really are having incredible breakthroughs lately.

peaches100 · Feb 08, 2010, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perna

One saying that helped me understand the T relationship enormously was:

"Your therapy should be the most important thing in your life but it is not the most important thing in your therapist's life."

Think about it. Your T has her own, regular, day-to-day life and other clients and is a T, not you, the client, etc.

That helped give me a bigger view of things and allowed me to concentrate on "me" in therapy instead of what my therapist was saying/doing. If my T's timing was different than I wanted, I immediately gave her the benefit of the doubt, that she was busy rather than that she was deliberately trying to hurt me, etc. Most of what a T does has nothing whatsoever to do with us, individually, except during that hour we are with her. I use to write my T letters daily/weekly and mail them to her office and, over time, I came to realize that my enjoyment of imagining her reading them and "caring" for me in that way, was just that, my imagining. I could not see her reading them, we did not discuss what was in the writings, there was nothing of "her" in them at all, it was all me and what I imagined. I finally forced myself to stop writing her at all (did a six-week trial which she and I discussed) and only "have" her when I actually did have her, during my sessions. I had to communicate with her then as that was "reality" and the only time our lives intersected.

Feelings are there, whether we feel we feel them or not :-) It could be you're getting a delayed thing going (feeling you're feeling something afterwards, when it safe; I use to take scary things from therapy so I could think about/feel them in my head when I was alone, at my home afterwards). For me, my T taught me to identify different feelings, she "gave" me one to think about at the end of a session, "humiliation" and then "disappointment" and, almost funny, all week I was keyed in on humiliation (I felt humiliated, in public, by a boss complaining loudly in the middle of the office and making fun of not understanding me and what I was trying to say) and I learned enormous good things (about anger too!) but at the end of the next session she gave me "disappointment" and I instantly asked, "Does this mean I have to be disappointed all week????!!!!" and we both were started at that and ended up laughing about it but, sure enough, I felt disappointed in my husband and again learned important lessons.

Our feelings are ours and are information and very valuable. Other people don't make us feel, we just feel; that's natural. But what we feel can help us understand ourselves and what we should do or say next (usually tell the other person, "I feel disappointed that you seem too busy to get back to me sooner"). Were that something I told my T, we would then concentrate on my disappointment, who has disappointed me in that way (by being too busy) before, etc.

A lot of how we feel is "habit". I was disappointed in my husband the day after my T gave me "disappointment" to consider, because he decided to go to the racetrack without doing the breakfast dishes first (his job). We discussed that and it turned out he didn't feel well, had a bad backache and thought that the chairs at the racetrack would be more comfortable for him and that he could distract himself with the game. Too, bending over to do the dishes was very painful for him. I then had to reconsider my disappointment. Why did I feel he should do the dishes right then? Why did I care about the dishes? That was my stepmother's teaching; I was raised with "do the dishes right after the meal." But that's just training/one way of doing things, neither better nor worse than any other way. A second thing I realized was I love my husband and wanted him to feel better. He knows his body and what might help him and if going to the racetrack might help him, I wanted him to go! So the whole incident turned out to be about me and convention, not even what I "wanted", just what was familiar and what had been drilled into me by my too-rigid stepmother. I personally want to become more flexible so I had a hard struggle with myself after my husband left trying to decide whether or not I wanted to do the dishes myself :-) It's his job versus why does it matter when it's done versus what did I really want to do with my time, for "me".

I use to write my T letters daily/weekly and mail them to her office and, over time, I came to realize that my enjoyment of imagining her reading them and "caring" for me in that way, was just that, my imagining. I could not see her reading them, we did not discuss what was in the writings, there was nothing of "her" in them at all, it was all me and what I imagined. I finally forced myself to stop writing her at all (did a six-week trial which she and I discussed) and only "have" her when I actually did have her, during my sessions.

Perna,

What you wrote above makes me really sad. I don't want to pretend that my t is reading my writings, or pretend she is caring about me. I want it to be real. I don't gain a sense of enjoyment from pretending that a person is caring about me. I want to know that they do.

But what we feel can help us understand ourselves and what we should do or say next (usually tell the other person, "I feel disappointed that you seem too busy to get back to me sooner"). Were that something I told my T, we would then concentrate on my disappointment, who has disappointed me in that way (by being too busy) before, etc.

Did you believe that your response of disappointment in your t was not really a response to her, but a response instead to others who have disappointed you in your life? Or did you see it as a valid emotion pertaining to the t-patient relationship?

Yes, I agree that alot of our reactions are habit. In certain types of situations, i tend to respond the same way, and it is hard to change! I liked the way you told about your experience with your husband and why you reacted the way you did about the dishes -- but how when the two of you talked about it, you began to see the situation in a different way.

peaches100 · Feb 08, 2010, 09:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chaotic13

(((Peaches))) IDK...your probably right your therapy experience is much more important to you than it is to your T. But that doesn't mean your unimportant though. Or that your T doesn't care about how your doing.

I'm sorry your upset with your T...I still totally hate unanswered emails, but I think I get over them a little bit quicker now. One benefit I see in my own therapy is...at least now I know I'm upset. I'm able to figure out some of the reasons why I'm upset and at least admit it to myself. This to me...is progress. Not being numb anymore to these little hurts, sucks. But, not being numb to the little joys I experience in this relationship tends to balance things out.

Chaotic,

What you said here struck me:

Not being numb anymore to these little hurts, sucks. But, not being numb to the little joys I experience in this relationship tends to balance things out.

I tend to be ultra-aware of the little hurts that happen in the t relationship. But for some reason, it is incredibly difficult for me to allow myself to experience the feeling of warmth or closeness when my t and i have a moment of connection and sharing. It is like i have a defensive side of myself that is on guard all the time against any sort of slight or emotional injury. I attach so much meaning to the slights and injuries, but not to the good moments. Why?? I feel afraid to let myself enjoy them, almost like if i grasp them, they will disappear like mist.

peaches100 · Feb 08, 2010, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kitten16

I like these responses so far.

Peaches, I'm totally in your same boat. I think there's something basically wrong at the heart of the therapeutic relationship. For me it's just flawed right out of the gate. But I'm still in therapy! It's like what they say about democracy -- it's the worst form of government, except for all the others.

I think your T showed unusual sensitivity, though, for all the reasons you mentioned. You've got a right to be pissed off. I would react exactly the same way if that happened to me. Is she, what, just not paying attention? Sheesh!

So -- you'll probably get advice to talk about this during your next session. I would tell your T exactly how you feel about this! Don't let her off the hook!

Hi Kitten,

I had my session, and i did tell her that i was still feeling troubled and upset about the unanswered email. There wasn't a whole lot left to say about it, because we'd talked about it before. She didn't exactly say she was sorry she hadn't replied. But she did say she was sorry i felt hurt by it. And she said something like, "If i made the wrong judgement call by not replying and it was a mistake not doing so, then i'm willing to accept responsibility for it." But she also let me know that she can't promise that she will always be able to respond to my messages when i want her to. That it is too bad, but it is reality.

She also commented on what i said about our relationship not being unique because she has dozens of other patients who have the same kind of relationship and also think theirs is special. She told me that each t-patient relationship is unique in its own way. She let me know that there are things she does with me that she does not do with any other patients (such as the breathing exercise we do together at the beginning of each session). She let me know again that she does care about me.

Sannah · Feb 08, 2010, 10:28 AM

Peaches, did you want to talk more about this issue with your T concerning how you experienced it and what it triggered up?

kitten16 · Feb 08, 2010, 04:18 PM

Hi Peaches,
I responded before, but someone renewed this thread -- and I'm always struck by your first paragraph here. It just rings so true with me. I do think Ts can sometimes retreat behind the explaining-how-transference-works thing. Sure, it's mostly all about our childhoods. But when Ts act like asses, they need to admit it.

They rarely do.

I love the fact that Ts exist, but my relationships with them have been sort of love/hate. It just feels like they have all the power, and so much justification for themselves at the ready. I resent it!

'Nuff about me. Long way of saying, I agree with what you're objecting to here, and I don't think any of it is on you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi All,

Ever since my meltdown about my t being too busy, I've been trying to understand why it hurt me so much and continues to hurt me. It's no revelation that it triggers my feelings from childhood of being unimportant/not worth paying attention to. And my t tends to point out the problem as being mostly about my issues/feelings about my parents, rather than the hurt actually being about her. While i think that she is partly right (at least that when she can't reply, it triggers "old stuff"), I think it is more than that. The other part of it has very much to do with the therapy relationship...

peaches100 · Feb 09, 2010, 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chaotic13

(((Peaches))) IDK...your probably right your therapy experience is much more important to you than it is to your T. But that doesn't mean your unimportant though. Or that your T doesn't care about how your doing.

I'm sorry your upset with your T...I still totally hate unanswered emails, but I think I get over them a little bit quicker now. One benefit I see in my own therapy is...at least now I know I'm upset. I'm able to figure out some of the reasons why I'm upset and at least admit it to myself. This to me...is progress. Not being numb anymore to these little hurts, sucks. But, not being numb to the little joys I experience in this relationship tends to balance things out.

Chaotic,

I'm glad you're able to recognize anger now. It sounds like you weren't so in touch with your emotions before. Like you, it took me a long time to recognize my anger. Or maybe to admit it. I used to say that i never got angry, just "upset." Before that, for years, i wouldn't even admit i was upset, but would try to let everything roll off my back and say to myself "it doesn't bother me." So now, after lots of therapy, i am starting to recognize and admit feelings. But you know what? It's SO HARD to endure them at times! I always go back to the old habit of wanting to numb myself out -- emotionally disconnect. The strong feelings scare me, and going numb feels safe. So i have to really work to keep myself open enough to feel the feelings. Like this week. My t is on vacation out of the country and i'm keeping as busy as possible so as not to let myself feel the hurty ucky feeling of missing her. It's like a pain in my stomach and i don't want to feel it, so by staying busy, i am trying to outrun it. But i know she would say to sit and let myself feel it. Why am i so scared to do that? It's like strong feelings feel dangerous to me.

Feb 09, 2010, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by peaches100

It's like strong feelings feel dangerous to me.

Peaches,

I can really relate to this. In fact, I'm realizing that feeling ANY feeling feels dangerous to me.

I was journalling the other day and came up with the idea of giving my feelings a number. So, on a scale from 1 to 10, maybe my anxiety is a 2 right now. 2 isn't that bad. So, maybe I can sit with a 2 for a while. I think I was SO trained as a child to not trust my feelings and to not feel my feelings that feelings just confuse and terrify me. So, I'm trying to teach myself that they don't have to be that big of a deal.

My T always tells me "feelings are information, not emergencies". So, I ask my self, what are my feelings telling me? I've learned so much from my kids...if they are sad, and I say "what is your sadness saying?", they are so good at reaching inside and figuring it out and telling me..and then they can sometimes figure out what they need, and I can help them get it, and they can move forward. I want to be able to do that like them.

It's hard, isn't it??

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The Reality of the T Relationship

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