I am so frustrated with this sinking depression...

Thanks, wpowers...

I wish I knew what I needed out of therapy....*sigh*

There's just so much to deal with that I get overwhelmed...and there are so many places that I don't want to go...but need to, in order to get healthier, I guess. I have such distorted thinking...and the spiraling thoughts are so hard to manage.

It's like I have a lifetime of brainwashing to unravel and make sense of...and how I feel, react to things, etc. is a reflection of so many events that have happened along the way. My life has been based on fear.

There's just too much.

As far as my ex goes....all of the options that my T suggested require money that I don't want to spend....and the one that he's pushing for the most requires money AND something that could end up upsetting/stirring up my ex. I'm the one who ends up dealing with the craziness, not my T. And I'm also the one who ends up feeling hurt for doing that to my ex, when I don't feel that he's dangerous.

I wish my ex was normal. I am dealing with him the best way I can, even though it's been torture....and I don't want to take on more torture.

Sorry for rambling. I'm just overwhelmed right now. I have too much on my plate to be dealing with this too. I can't deal with more. I really can't.

((( MU - more safe hugs )))

Maybe you can write it all out and do some type of scale to see which options are the very best? You need an action plan either way....

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/freedownloads2.htm - maybe one of these forms will help you figure out this .... I looked and see one that may work:
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/Pr...gWorksheet.pdf

Thank you...I appreciate the hugs. I really do....

Thanks for the links and the worksheet. You are so kind to care enough to do that for me.

I will use it....and try to come up with something that works. I did do some thinking over the weekend about it and some research on a less costly, less confrontational option....I guess I'm just struggling with the reasons for why I'm doing it (because T is pushing me to, not because I believe it), and whether or not doing anything other than the one thing T was really pushing for will result in him being frustrated and disappointed in me. AARGH.

I have been nothing but a disappointment to so many people in this life (my parents, my ex, my boss)....Not my T too!!

((((((((mixed))))))))

i'm so sorry things are so difficult for you. it does sound though as if you are trying to please everyone (ok i exaggerate, T and ex) but not yourself. what does mixed want? she matters too. since you have to live with the consequences of any decisions you make i think it is important for those decisions to be wholly yours and not your Ts or done to please/appease your ex. that doesn't mean you have to lay down the law with your ex. you can only do what you are comfortable with right now.

i know all this is so much easier said than done, but i think as you can figure out what you want then maybe some of the pain you are in will lessen. maybe you can ask T how he can be more supportive of you figuring out what you want and need and him being less directive. it sounds like you have a lot of voices telling you what to do (figuratively or literally) but i think it is helpful to find your own voice in all of this.

please be patient with yourself mixed.

Thanks, bloom!

I do need to figure out what I want to do. I guess I'm just afraid that I have blinders on when it comes to my ex, but I really, really don't think so. Ugh. In any case, I really need to talk to T about how I feel about all this, especially with him being so directive, being frustrated with me and how that impacts our relationship. Maybe during the course of that conversation, I will find the direction I want to go in with regards to my ex.

I like this last plan you have here MUE concerning what to discuss with your T.