[mixedup_emotions]

It's easy to say "this too shall pass"....but when you're down so low, it's hard to even THINK those words, let alone BELIEVE them.

I've felt worse than this....but I'm feeling on the edge of a crash....AGAIN. I hate this.

I am so angry and frustrated....and none of it is rational. All these counterproductive negative thoughts swirling around in my mind....

Why can't my ex be normal? Why couldn't he be the person I needed him to be? Why is it that my T feels that he's so dangerous, but I can't seem to see it? Why do I always get sucked into feeling so badly for him, because no one knows him like I do....I understand he's mentally ill, but it doesn't make me feel any different.

I'm angry at T....for pushing me to get out of my marriage - which leaves me all alone....SO alone....and struggling for every breath that I take....taken down by this tortured life....living in fear....and living it alone....my T gets to have his life, while I'm all alone...dealing with my ex's craziness...I know, I asked for it by marrying the man in the first place. I know it's not rational. I know T is trying to help me get to a healthier place, and ultimately the power is in me to get there whether it's with someone or not. But right now, I'm just frustrated.

T is frustrated with me when he learns that I've talked to my ex....or let him in the front door when dropping off our daughter. But T is not here to deal with it....I'm the one that has to deal with the feelings...and it's not like T would be so devastated if something happened to me. I'm just one of many clients, keeping the checks rolling in. I'm not saying he doesn't care...but seriously, it wouldn't be the end of his world.

I hate the fact that I am plagued by so many awful memories in life....so much destruction....the CSA, the physical abuse of my parents, the abuse of my ex....the abuse of my boss....grief and loss.....and now being lonely.

I have no goals in life.....I need a purpose. My job is torture because of my boss...I'm in my mid-30's and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Nothing interests me. I have a decent paying job and great benefits, but it's not satisfying. What would be? I come up BLANK. Totally utterly BLANK.

I look around me and feel despair and sadness....except for my daughter. And even then, sometimes it's not enough.

This too shall pass. Yes. But, it seems as though it's the other way around....the good feelings seem to pass, and then I'm right back down again.

I just needed to get these feelings out....thanks for letting me vent.

[brickbat]

Hi mixedup, you don't know me because I just joined, so I hope it's okay that I'm responding. I just wanted to say that I really feel for you, and that I hope you're able to keep your head above water. You're right that this will pass, and that things will get better, but I know too well that feeling of sinking into despair, of being on the verge of a crash, and it's so hard. I also wanted to say that what you wrote about being angry with your T for pushing you to get out of your marriage *really* resonated with me, as I recently ended a long-term relationship in part because my T had convinced me that it wasn't a healthy situation for me to be in. My ex wasn't abusive; we had just gotten ourselves into a bad pattern, due to my depression and some problems of his that he wasn't addressing. What you said about your T getting to have his life while you go on alone hit me so hard. That's exactly how I'm feeling. It's easy for him to say that the relationship needed to end, because he's not the one who has to deal with the aftermath. He's got his wife and his kids and his life goes on.

Anyway, please do hang in there, and take good care of yourself.

[ECHOES]

for you, while you are waiting for this to pass...
I'm sorry things feel hopeless and frustrating right now. I'm glad you know on some level that this will pass. Still, being in it is not fun.

(((((((((((((mue))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult spot...

I'm wondering...you have mentioned here a few times that you sometimes wonder if a more gentle therapist would be a better fit for you and help you move forward. Sometimes it feels like your T is...harsh?? (not sure if that's the word)...with you (like when he gets frustrated with you for talking to your ex). I remember that you said you like the other T at group therapy.

I'm always hesitant to comment on anyone's T, or T relationship, because it is truly such a personal thing, so if what I'm saying makes no sense, PLEASE just toss this out!

Many gentle to you.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

for you, while you are waiting for this to pass...
I'm sorry things feel hopeless and frustrating right now. I'm glad you know on some level that this will pass. Still, being in it is not fun.

Thanks, Echoes....

So far, it's getting worse. The intensity of the feelings, that is. I hate this. It amazes me how so many people are so brave with talking to their T's about these kinds of feelings....but I am always too fearful, embarrassed, especially when I have feelings about T or the therapeutic relationship....ugh.

[ECHOES]

mue, sometimes my way of getting things into therapy is to call and leave a message about what I'm feeling right then. It also can feel relieving to make that connection. omg, I have a connection with a telephone answering gadget!
I have also called to say that I am calling just to connect and hoping it will help me to feel better.
Either way, it becomes something to talk about in session. And always it just feels so good that she wants to know more about what I was experiencing.

more for you

[googley]

((((MUE))))
I've been there. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your T wont judge you. Take care of yourself.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((((((((mue))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult spot...

I'm wondering...you have mentioned here a few times that you sometimes wonder if a more gentle therapist would be a better fit for you and help you move forward. Sometimes it feels like your T is...harsh?? (not sure if that's the word)...with you (like when he gets frustrated with you for talking to your ex). I remember that you said you like the other T at group therapy.

I'm always hesitant to comment on anyone's T, or T relationship, because it is truly such a personal thing, so if what I'm saying makes no sense, PLEASE just toss this out!

Many gentle to you.

Thanks, Treehouse....

No worries about me getting upset about your commenting on my relationship with T....Thank you for taking that risk!

I struggle with this....My T is intelligent and supportive...but he is not very affectionate.

The last time he was frustrated with me, he said something that I felt was hurtful and I addressed it with him the next session. He then became very caring in his response, telling me that he felt bad for what he said but that I worry him and that he was feeling desperate because my situation to him is so dire.

It seems as though this is resurfacing....his frustration with me because he feels that I'm in a dangerous situation...which perhaps is impacting his ability to be empathetic or show his caring in a less harsh way.

I am quite attached to my T, even though I hate admitting that. I keep wanting to push him away because I don't want to feel attached. I find there are times when I feel jealous of his other clients, etc. - and that just makes me want to push away even further because I hate those feelings. And if I switched T's, I wonder if I'd end up in the same predicament when the relationship was established....

And for the most part, my T has been spot-on with dealing with my issues....and seems to see the red flags way before I do with my ex.

And yes, the other T (my ex-husband's former T) is a very caring, gentle, warm, affectionate man who I adore. He's an older southern gentleman - and hugs me every time he sees me. I actually saw him in passing 3 days this week - so I got 3 hugs...and then I told him that he must think I'm stalking him. The receptionist laughed along with me and this T...He said that each time I'm here, I'm not here to see him....and I told him that I love him....and he said, "I love you too!" emphatically....and I said that I would love to see him, but that I didn't think T would appreciate that. He said he didn't think so either.

*sigh*

I know that my T would NEVER hug me...would NEVER say anything like that to me....and I'm ok with that, because it would feel awkward coming from him. He's very professional and keeps his boundaries. He did tell me that he enjoys working with me, admires me and cares about me very much on a personal level, which was more than I could ever expect.

[WePow]

MU - well for whatever it may be worth, I see you as being very brave and strong to continue on each day. It sounds like you have just a whole heck of a lot on your heart right now!!! Wishing you peace for the NOW when you need it most.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by brickbat

Hi mixedup, you don't know me because I just joined, so I hope it's okay that I'm responding. I just wanted to say that I really feel for you, and that I hope you're able to keep your head above water. You're right that this will pass, and that things will get better, but I know too well that feeling of sinking into despair, of being on the verge of a crash, and it's so hard. I also wanted to say that what you wrote about being angry with your T for pushing you to get out of your marriage *really* resonated with me, as I recently ended a long-term relationship in part because my T had convinced me that it wasn't a healthy situation for me to be in. My ex wasn't abusive; we had just gotten ourselves into a bad pattern, due to my depression and some problems of his that he wasn't addressing. What you said about your T getting to have his life while you go on alone hit me so hard. That's exactly how I'm feeling. It's easy for him to say that the relationship needed to end, because he's not the one who has to deal with the aftermath. He's got his wife and his kids and his life goes on.

Anyway, please do hang in there, and take good care of yourself.

Thank you, brickbat....And I'm glad you're here...

I'm sorry that you can relate to what I posted....but at the same time, it's comforting to know that I am not alone in having these feelings.

Please keep posting....I think we can learn a lot from each other...

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

mue, sometimes my way of getting things into therapy is to call and leave a message about what I'm feeling right then. It also can feel relieving to make that connection. omg, I have a connection with a telephone answering gadget!
I have also called to say that I am calling just to connect and hoping it will help me to feel better.
Either way, it becomes something to talk about in session. And always it just feels so good that she wants to know more about what I was experiencing.

more for you

Thanks, Echoes....I am not one for leaving a voicemail for T....but I may send him an e-mail. I'm much more comfortable putting my feelings in writing...but then I'm afraid that once I hit the SEND button, I'll regret it - and then there's the agonizing wait until T responds....UGH.

But I know it would be good for me to get the real feelings out and to him in some way, because ultimately, it will help me in the end, no matter how it ends up...it all has a meaning and a purpose, right?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by googley

((((MUE))))
I've been there. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your T wont judge you. Take care of yourself.

Thanks, Googley....I am trying.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by wpowers

MU - well for whatever it may be worth, I see you as being very brave and strong to continue on each day. It sounds like you have just a whole heck of a lot on your heart right now!!! Wishing you peace for the NOW when you need it most.

Thank you, wpowers....

I don't feel brave and strong, but thank you. I swear if it wasn't for my beautiful 8 year old daughter, I don't know where I'd be right now. She is what keeps me pushing on. I have to, for her. She deserves that. It's never been about me. I guess it's because I don't feel that I deserve better, but I KNOW she does.... *sigh*

I wish I had some peace. It seems like peace is just so far out of reach.

[KDlady]

sending positive thoughts

[mixedup_emotions]

I just sent my T an e-mail.....I hope I'm not going to wake up tomorrow regretting sending it....I am trying to think, this is how I am feeling in the moment....and he is a fan of "in the moment" with his gestalt ways....so even if I do regret it, it's at least a snapshot of something I'm enduring, which may have value.

Who knows....

[mixedup_emotions]

It just dawned on me what has me so upset about my last session with T.

I was expressing what I was going through with my ex-husband, and the feelings and turmoil that I was dealing with...and T was so focused on convincing me of the danger, so focused on my ex and his instability, his pathology - that he wasn't considering ME and how I was FEELING.

We delved into one aspect....and I shared that my ex enjoyed hurting me. I've NEVER mentioned that to ANYONE....and instead of my T having empathy for me, or taking an interest in how that FEELS to ME, he went on and on about how my ex lacked empathy, and that's why he's dangerous, etc.

I understand that he wanted to get his point across....but I am upset that it was at the expense of considering my feelings....

Does that make any sense?

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Does that make any sense?

That makes SO MUCH SENSE, mue, and shows so much insight. Will you send another e-mail to your T and tell him do you think?

I often send two e-mails in a row to my T...it's almost like sending the first one clears the way for the REAL issue to come up.

[WePow]

mixedup!! OH YES!!!! Oh it totally makes sense! When I had to leave my ex husband, people saw a nearly starved young girl walking around and when I told them what he did to me, they were always focused on him being free and not in jail and how he may hurt other young ladies like me. And that would SO TOTALLY tick me off! I wanted them to see ME and not my ex!!! But they just talked and talked about his stuff and how evil he was. OH YES do you ever make sense!!!!!!

[mixedup_emotions]

Thank you so much for the validation.....

I did send him another e-mail last night, a Part II if you will, that stated that it dawned on me what was so upsetting about our last session - not only the pressure, but when I had shared what I was feeling about my ex and the experiences I had, you seemed so focused on his pathology, lack of empathy, your interpretation of what he was (or what I was to him) in our relationship, and the danger - that it came at the expense of being empathetic, considerate or attentive to my feelings.

I thought I was going to wake up regretting sending the e-mails last night...but your validation helps me to feel ok about it.

Thank you.

[mixedup_emotions]

T responded to my e-mail tonight saying, "I understand. We can discuss it if you like on Thursday."

I guess I appreciate the acknowledgement. I now know he read my e-mail, so the torturous wait is over.

I wish he wrote more, but I know how much he dislikes e-mail exchanges with clients...especially when things can be misinterpreted in writing.

So, now that he knows how upset I was with him and how awful I've been feeling overall.....I have to wait til Thursday to address it. *sigh*

Such is the life of a client in therapy.

[brickbat]

Do we have the same therapist?! I swear, he sounds just like mine.

I'm glad that he responded to and acknowledged you, though, even if you'd have liked to hear more from him. Try to hold on to your feelings until Thursday; it sounds like you could have a really productive session.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

T responded to my e-mail tonight saying, "I understand. We can discuss it if you like on Thursday."

I guess I appreciate the acknowledgement. I now know he read my e-mail, so the torturous wait is over.

I wish he wrote more, but I know how much he dislikes e-mail exchanges with clients...especially when things can be misinterpreted in writing.

So, now that he knows how upset I was with him and how awful I've been feeling overall.....I have to wait til Thursday to address it. *sigh*

Such is the life of a client in therapy.

[Sannah]

Very good work MUE!!!!

[nogetupngo]

[quote=mixedup_emotions;1281152]It's easy to say "this too shall pass"....but when you're down so low, it's hard to even THINK those words, let alone BELIEVE them.

I've felt worse than this....but I'm feeling on the edge of a crash....AGAIN. I hate this.

I am so angry and frustrated....and none of it is rational. All these counterproductive negative thoughts swirling around in my mind....

Why can't my ex be normal? Why couldn't he be the person I needed him to be? Why is it that my T feels that he's so dangerous, but I can't seem to see it? Why do I always get sucked into feeling so badly for him, because no one knows him like I do....I understand he's mentally ill, but it doesn't make me feel any different.

I'm angry at T....for pushing me to get out of my marriage - which leaves me all alone....SO alone....and struggling for every breath that I take....taken down by this tortured life....living in fear....and living it alone....my T gets to have his life, while I'm all alone...dealing with my ex's craziness...I know, I asked for it by marrying the man in the first place. I know it's not rational. I know T is trying to help me get to a healthier place, and ultimately the power is in me to get there whether it's with someone or not. But right now, I'm just frustrated.

T is frustrated with me when he learns that I've talked to my ex....or let him in the front door when dropping off our daughter. But T is not here to deal with it....I'm the one that has to deal with the feelings...and it's not like T would be so devastated if something happened to me. I'm just one of many clients, keeping the checks rolling in. I'm not saying he doesn't care...but seriously, it wouldn't be the end of his world.

I hate the fact that I am plagued by so many awful memories in life....so much destruction....the CSA, the physical abuse of my parents, the abuse of my ex....the abuse of my boss....grief and loss.....and now being lonely.

I have no goals in life.....I need a purpose. My job is torture because of my boss...I'm in my mid-30's and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Nothing interests me. I have a decent paying job and great benefits, but it's not satisfying. What would be? I come up BLANK. Totally utterly BLANK.....................

I feel for you and can relate in a way. My T wanted me to get out of my last relationship too. The difference is, I didn't do it. I couldn't, cause I finally felt like I had a reason to go on. So I not only stayed in the relationship, but he ended up moving here from out of town and we got a place together. It was good for a while, but 4 years later, I had to ask him to move out. I couldn't go on any longer. He lost his job, and hadn't worked in 9 months. The worse thing about it was that he wasn't even trying to find a job. I could not support the both of us on what I made and it drove me right back into a severe depression. I ended up in the hospital and have been going through hell ever since. I lost my job 3 months after the ex moved out, because of a physical disability. So there's additional reasons why I am still in the state I'm in. bAsically, my point is that my T was right all along. I should have ended the relationship instead of helping the guy move here with me. It would have been much easier to do it then. It was so much harder when I did ask him to leave, cause he was so dependent on me, since he wasn't working, and he was so much in love with me that it broke my heart to have to ask him to leave. We kept in touch for the next 8 or 9 months which was hell. He was living in his daughters garage during the winter, in Indiana, and all he did when we talked was complain, which made me feel guilty as hell.
Anyway, just thought I'd tell you my story and just maybe you'll be able to look at your situation a little different than you have been. My therapist did know best, even though I didn't listen to her. I ended up paying the price in the long run. It's been hell! I do hope this helps, at least a little. Good luck to you! I hope you feel better!
nogetupngo

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by nogetupngo

I feel for you and can relate in a way. My T wanted me to get out of my last relationship too. The difference is, I didn't do it. I couldn't, cause I finally felt like I had a reason to go on. So I not only stayed in the relationship, but he ended up moving here from out of town and we got a place together. It was good for a while, but 4 years later, I had to ask him to move out. I couldn't go on any longer. He lost his job, and hadn't worked in 9 months. The worse thing about it was that he wasn't even trying to find a job. I could not support the both of us on what I made and it drove me right back into a severe depression. I ended up in the hospital and have been going through hell ever since. I lost my job 3 months after the ex moved out, because of a physical disability. So there's additional reasons why I am still in the state I'm in. bAsically, my point is that my T was right all along. I should have ended the relationship instead of helping the guy move here with me. It would have been much easier to do it then. It was so much harder when I did ask him to leave, cause he was so dependent on me, since he wasn't working, and he was so much in love with me that it broke my heart to have to ask him to leave. We kept in touch for the next 8 or 9 months which was hell. He was living in his daughters garage during the winter, in Indiana, and all he did when we talked was complain, which made me feel guilty as hell.
Anyway, just thought I'd tell you my story and just maybe you'll be able to look at your situation a little different than you have been. My therapist did know best, even though I didn't listen to her. I ended up paying the price in the long run. It's been hell! I do hope this helps, at least a little. Good luck to you! I hope you feel better!
nogetupngo

Thank you, nogetupngo....

I am sorry you went through that, and I appreciate you sharing your story. I know I made the best choice for my family by divorcing my ex. It was an unhealthy marriage and was especially unhealthy for my daughter. She is thriving instead of surviving now.

But, feelings just are....and ultimately, I want to get to a place of peace...and it's not helping that my T is being directive instead of directive AND considerate/empathetic to my feelings. It's just making things harder for me, and I can't take the pressure! Especially with my T, where I need to feel safe, cared for and that I won't be judged for whatever decisions I make.

Instead, I am feeling pressured by T to do something NOW about a situation that I am not comfortable doing. And my T feels that my ex is dangerous...and I don't. Perhaps I have the wool over my eyes, but I was with the man for 15 years. I know his instability and his craziness - and I do not feel that I am in real physical danger.

UGH. I really don't know how to resolve this. It's like this constant push/pull - and I'm stuck.

Question for you though.....When you went against what your T suggested, how did your T handle that with you? In my e-mail to T, I told him that I sensed his frustration with me and I'm caught between not wanting to frustrate & disappoint him and hurting/stirring up my ex. I can feel T's disappointment when I "let my ex in" even a little bit. I don't want to feel resentful of my T for being disappointed when I don't do what he wants me to do.

[WePow]

((( MU ))) IMHO the bottom line is what is best for you. What about if between now and Thursday you compose your own action plan laying out exactly what you need out of therapy and YOUR decision on where you place your boundries with the ex?