worst session ever

Everything I was afraid of when I sent that stupid email to T came true. She didn't understand me.......AT ALL.
She picked out all the wrong things and made TOTALLY wrong assumptions.
I tried talking to her about it. I tried clarifying some things.
And then I felt like I was talking too much and I didn't want her to think I was being defensive.
I got really quiet, and she asked what I was thinking.
I hate that question, but I always try to be honest.
So I told her that I felt very misunderstood. I told her I shouldn't have sent the email. I told her I felt awful.
She just said 'Sorry'.
And I almost cried.

I can't believe it. I am never going to find anyone to understand me or to help me. I feel like such a freak.

Before I left she said, "You're coming back, right?"
I automatically said yes.
I just don't think I can go back there. I can't take just sitting there in front of her with her staring at me like that........
she obviously can't help me.
But God! what am I going to do?????
I *can't* start over with another T. I just CAN'T!
I feel so hopeless right now. Things will never get better.

sorry you're hurting darkruner. I think you should go back to see T again. Maybe in the meantime you can journal about what exactly you felt misunderstood about and then you can show her the journal the next session. It sounds like a misunderstanding and that can usually be fixed. You both need to be open and honest and if you think you'd have difficulty confronting her about it, maybe writing it down would be easier. It's so hard to have conflicts with our T, but if you think about it, it's like any relationship... it's prone to problems but at least in this relationship your T understand this better. Maybe you're misunderstanding her like she's misunderstanding you. I'd hate for you to run from T without at least one more session to see if you can work it out. Hang in there!! Hopefully things clear up for you.

Gravyy - thank you so much.
Maybe you're right about going back. I don't know. I have to give it some thought. Right now I feel so awful about everything.
But you're right I shouldn't make any rash decisions.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((darkrunner))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ugh, I am so so so so sorry you are hurting I know that for me, when I expose myself in such a BIG way like you just did with that e-mail, I am SO on guard and watching T SO carefully that if there is anything "off" about his response, it just feels horrible.

Sometimes I really truly have to fight with T to get him to understand me. Sometimes he thinks he "gets" it, and he doesn't and it takes a long time, and a lot of discussion, and even some anger and frustration before he gets it. And during the time that we're not in sync - he thinks he understands, and it's clear to me that he doesn't - it feels awful. Sometimes I really do want to quit...but I know that we have done so much hard work together and I guess I always have a glimmer of hope that we'll find our way to an understanding...and we always have.

Even tonight with T, I asked him a question and I could tell from his answer that he didn't understand at all what I was asking and what I needed. We went around and around about it, and I finally had to tell him "this is hard for me and it's really important that you understand what I need" and he got it, and it was okay. But even those few minutes of misattunement felt bad.

I am worried about you...because I care about you, and because for ME, these are truly the most difficult moments in therapy...the moments when I have made myself so vulnerable, but end up feeling misunderstood more than supported. T and I always find our way out...but it feels so bad until we get there. Please be gentle with you, and please give yourself a chance to fight through this with T. YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR.

to you, my friend.

oh god, I'm sorry darkrunner. I'm so sorry that your worst fears were sort of confirmed through your T's reaction to the email. I know how much that must hurt.

I would just encourage you to not read too much into Ts misunderstand, I mean don't draw it out into "she didn't understand I meant ____, she must think ____ about me". That kind of thinking will just increase your suffering. I think your T *tried* to understand what you wrote, and she failed. And that SUCKS. But it doesn't mean your effort was in vain, and it doesn't mean she's a failure as a T or specifically as YOUR T.

You can work this out. Don't make any decisions right now, and give yourself the space to breathe and think before you feel like you have to ACT.

Bummer.

Hopefully some time will help your T read it in a different way.
Would you consider reading it aloud, narrate it - this is the aspect I miss most, this is the part of me I blame, this is the part of me that survived.

I gave my T a book - Trauma and Recovery by Dr Judith Herman. I don't think he really understood me until he read that book.

(((((((Darkrunner)))))) I have had these moments in therapy and it feels so lonely to me. I want to give you a big hug and tell you that you are NOT a freak in any way. You are very worth understanding and for T to take the time with you. I remember a while ago you had said something abut T not understanding about ED issues. Is this the T that said something like you had to get your food under control before you could work on issues? Maybe I am remembering incorrectly.

All I know is that I feel deeply like I understand you and I know where you are coming from and how you feel. I think the gentle thing to do would be to not make any decisions now, to take care of Darkrunner. Can you post more about what is going on? You can PM me anytime.

Maybe once you feel better you can think about how good this T is for you. Please know we are here for you and you are NOT a freak and you are understood here

(((((((darkrunner))))))) This is an absolutely sucky place to be in T. Oh and I can feel how that "Sorry" must have felt like a punch. I know it would have hit me hard, too, like all at once guilt, frustration, and the feeling of being alone in the universe. T didn't understand. You put yourself out there and she didn't understand. Ughhh. But it sounds like you really are making an effort by speaking honestly about the way you are feeling. I think that is pretty big that you were able to do that with her in this session, to communicate that you felt misunderstood, and I think that the fact that you were able to do that speaks to your ability to get through this with your T.

Darkrunner I agree with the rest who say that you should go back to T and keep working on this even though it really is difficult and hurts right now. Maybe you could try writing another email to her about how you felt misunderstood? Trying to clarify things somehow? Showing her where she went wrong? Getting through these things, I think, is some of the hardest and most healing work in therapy. But, here are some hugs for you.

((((((((((((((Darkrunner))))))))))))))
omg that sucks!!! and... *sigh*... like everyone says... gotta go back. I went through 3 hellish months with T this past fall. and when everything finally fell totally apart, it pushed me into the depths of even greater hell. And -through time - now we are ok. I say "ok" because I am not as brave as of some of these ppk who kept going over and over with T until they GOT IT. I just dropped it. I don't want to go back to that (which means we're bound to eventually). So have courage! and go back! and go round and round untill t GETS IT!!!
hugs, kiya

Im not sure how we can help you. I dont know what u put in the email. But i can say this. You can fix everything in time. If you told us what was in this email We could help you more. Fights with your T suck trust me. If you feel comfortable with it pm me with the email. If youre not i still wish you the best of luck

Thank you all SO much for your replies.
You don't know how much your understanding, encouragement and support means to me. You all have given me a lot to think about.
I don't really have time to respond now, but knowing you guys are there for me really helps.
I will think about everyone's advice and post more later.....it really helps to get it out.