[Melbadaze]

So I made it through the break from T last week very well I thought. I kept checking myself incase I was in denial, but felt I was ok. So T comes back and I begin to feel those feeling tugs and brain f**ks etc, and it went down hill from there, but I couldnt understand why? I ak T at the begining if she had gone away, accept I was asking as a way of saying, was you away because I seem too have managed so well last week, and T went silent and her face took on that serious look and I immediately told her that I meant it in the way I said here, and wasn't asking her if she went away per se, and that played on my mind, and today I emailed her telling her how I felt how I felt I'd run to her and by that look she'd pushed me away when I wasnt asking her in reality if she'd gone away and would never ask her about her personal life etc. She replied with a lovely reply saying that she was thinking at the time whether it was helpful or appropriate to answer me and as it wasnt what I was asking her, it turns out that it wouldnt have been helpful if she had answered.

I replied, good I'm glad I asked then and she said, yes it was and sometimes email gives us the space to think about things that are hard to do in session.

The other part of the return was about how once I actually saw her I begin to fall apart, and it doesnt feel right and I was crying bad because I said I'd done so well last week and T said, yes you manage to get on with your life during the break but when you come back you feel as if your being forced to face the gap and seeing me feels like I dont fit, like I'm not the same as the person who went away (birth mother) and your not sure if I am going to rejject you (adoptive mother).

I realised what I was experiencing at that point,, the acting out the original trauma of going from one experience (birth mothers womb)to someone that I didnt know (adoptive mother) at this point I accused T of being a murdered, of having murdered the other T that was there before the break.

This normally doesnt happen so fast after T's return,nor do I though acting out a trauma have some insight of whats happening alongside it, normally I spent a few sessions feeling awful but not to aware of whats going on.

Strange experiencing the past as an adult its ike being given a video recording of yoru preverbal experience and finally knowing what it was like back then.

I managed so well during the break because I was still connected to the T pre break, but when she or anyone returns after a time away, I always get triggered, and re experience the "wrong mother" the one that doesnt feel right, the one that I'm not use to and suffer the loss of the connection we had when she returns, cept as I say this time I feel so much more aware of what happens.

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, that is extremely insightful....and such a powerful realization.

[Sannah]

Good work Melba...........