[peaches100]

I just thought of something today. Many of you know how devastated i get when my t is too busy to respond to a message. I've always chalked it up to how i felt as a child being left alone and ignored. But something struck me today. . .I think it is still happening.

My folks live out of state. Every 2 to 3 weeks, i call to say hello and find out how my parents are doing. 9 times out of 10, my mom talks to me. My dad doesn't even get on the phone. I've been chalking it up to the fact that i'm a female, so maybe it's common for my mom to talk to me rather than my dad. But when i call there, if my mom is out, my dad won't even pick up the phone. He lets the answering machine take my message, and then my mom calls me back when she gets home. I realized today that this really hurts my feelings. The message i get from this is "I don't want to talk to you. or I'm too busy to bother with you." He even does it when he's out here visiting and staying at my sister's house. If I'm going over there to visit and call to let them know i'm running a bit late, i'll get the answering machine. Yet when i show up, my dad is there. When I am around him, he almost totally ignores me and talks to my husband instead.

Is this typical for the way dads treat their female children? Is it a "guy" thing? It hurts my heart.

I've realized this is just one more reason why hearing back from my t is so important to me. When i reach out to my dad by calling him, he can't be bothered to pick up the phone to talk to me. I feel unimportant and not cared about.

[WePow]

Peaches, be SURE to print your post here off and let T read it. PLEASE! You are saying somethings very deep here. And I think your T will be able to help you sort through the feelings. It is not easy to understand the motives of another person or why your dad responds the way he does. But no - not all fathers are this way. But there is something here you are really starting to see that I think if you let your T just read it, something great will come forward for you and a breakthrough.

It can be kind of a guy thing. I've noticed the men in my family just don't like to chit chat on the phone unless they are talking about a football game with each other. My dad's not much of a talker. He will answer the phone, but it gets turned over to Mom pretty quickly. I just strike it up to Dad being Dad. Personally, I'm not offended by it because that's just the way he is. I know he cares about me. He's just not a big talker.

[sunrise]

peaches, my dad is kind of like that too. I need to reach out more strongly to him, to make him feel included. I do talk to my mom on the phone more, because we have more in common and she knows how to carry on a conversation better. My dad is kind of awkward on the phone. When I call, if he answers, he just assumes I am calling to talk to my mom. I try harder to include him, and make him feel that I want to talk to him. I can usually get more from him if he really understands I do want to talk to him. Truly, I think he might feel kind of unwanted by me, but I do want to talk with him. (Plus, that is probably projection on my part! ) It is hard, though, he is not a very talky guy. My dad also doesn't answer the phone much when my mom isn't there. He doesn't know it is me calling, though. He just doesn't bother to get up to get the phone, as he assumes it is not for him, as he doesn't chat on the phone with people. So, to get to talk to him, I have to call when my mom is home, and tell her that I would like to talk to dad, and she will bring the phone to him.

I do feel, for me, that this is more of a "dad assumes sunny doesn't want to talk to him" issue rather than "dad hates sunny and therefore doesn't want to talk to her" issue. Do you think something similar might be going on with your dad? When I visit them, I make an extra effort to talk to Dad. I believe it's not that he ignores me, but that he doesn't talk much or really know what to say. If a guy is there, they can have a conversation about sports. So sports is one thing I try to ask my dad about, as it seems like a topic he is comfortable discussing. Or sometimes watching a football or basketball game together for a while can bring at least some interaction: "I can't believe he caught that pass!" or "Why on earth didn't they punt!?" LOL

It sounds like you long for a different sort of relationship with your father, peaches. It can be hard for adult children to take the initiative on this, since they feel their parents should have this responsibility, because parents should know better, right? Since parents are older, they are probably more "set in their ways", so the impetus for change will need to come from you. If you take some steps to improve things, and they fall flat, it's OK. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

peaches, i remember reading an article once that said this is rather common for parents of a certain generation. i pretty much never talked to my dad on the phone for more than a couple minutes but always my mom. the article said that the moms are commonly the mediators in the relationship with one's father, and many kids find out about how dad is through talking to mom rather than directly to dad. it seems to be a cultural thing. i was so surprised when i read about this as i'd never heard anyone mention it before, but i found it to be so true in my family. your dad may be taking it a bit far though by not even answering the phone when he's home alone. i think the dads kind of get used to being in a distant place in the family relationships.

[Sannah]

Yes, definitely something to talk about with T!

[skeksi]

My dad was always this way. If my mom was home, he'd answer the phone and say, "Let me get your mother," straightaway. If she was gone, he'd answer and say, "I'll have her call you when she gets back." No room for conversation!

I think Sunrise's advice was great; if you want a different relationship, bring it up and discuss it with your dad! You might be able to improve things and make both of you happier.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by skeksi

My dad was always this way. If my mom was home, he'd answer the phone and say, "Let me get your mother," straightaway. If she was gone, he'd answer and say, "I'll have her call you when she gets back." No room for conversation!

This is my dad to the letter! I wonder if you are one of my siblings?

[BlueMoon6]

(((Peaches))) Im sorry I didnt see your thread before. Your thread made my heart sink.

My feeling (fwiw) is that it maybe a cultural thing and it may be a guy thing, but there are many, many fathers out there who love to talk to their daughters and dont dismiss them. They may not chit chat as long as the mom, but they want to connect with the children as people they love. So...I my feeling is that is probably IS an issue with your dad. Maybe this is a long standing issue throughout your life? I think your feelings and what you posted about point to deeper and sadder feelings about your relatrionship with your distant and dismissive father. For sure a good therapy topic. Im so sorry you grew up with a father who treated you like this

I have posted about my father. He was the same, but there were other issues there, like sexualizing etc and so he became increasingly uncomfortable with me as I grew up.

[Melbadaze]

peaches, I think it matters little about the phone thing if there was a baseline relationship there...I had a good relationship with my adoptive dad, but conversationlist wise he was crap, but that didn't seem to matter that much because I had that known feeling inside that he cared and had loved me growing up.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

peaches, I think it matters little about the phone thing if there was a baseline relationship there...I had a good relationship with my adoptive dad, but conversationlist wise he was crap, but that didn't seem to matter that much because I had that known feeling inside that he cared and had loved me growing up.

That is really nice, Melba.

[Sannah]

Yeah, I thought about all of these silent fathers being spoken about here and what it brought to my mind was "well we are all here because we have or have had issues so maybe these fathers aren't normal/healthy because maybe this is a peice of why we are here"...........

For me it's the opposite. I talk to my dad in depth and not my mom.

[peaches100]

Thanks, everyone, for your replies and points of view. I can see that some of it does probably have to do with fathers in general. But i guess what's pressing at me is that i "know" in my case, it's more than that. i've never had a good relationship with my dad -- never really had a relationship at all.

I have no memories of the kind of affectionate things fathers often do with their children: no memories of being held or comforted, of being tickled, or carried on top of his shoulders. No "pet" names or being called "honey" or "sweetie." Never an affectionate tousling of my hair or a spontaneous hug as i walked by. I can't even recall a time when my dad's face lit up as i entered a room. He does hug me when they come to town and he first sees me, and when he says goodbye. But even then, he doesn't smile. It feels completely obligatory.

When we're in a room together, he ignores me almost completely. He may ask how work is going, and that's about it. He never inquires about my hobbies, my health, or my congregational activities. He never asks me for my opinion or feelings about anything. He never praises me, and although he rarely criticizes, there have been a few times when he has drank too much that he has said some very hurtful things to me, such as that my religion is a cult, that i am lazy, and putting me down for not going to college earlier and getting my degree, even saying "Why didn't you do things more like **** (my sister)? She did everything right."

Both of my parents have ignored my clinical depression. Even when i was hospitalized for suicidal thinking, neither one of them ever even mentioned my being in the hospital. They never asked me what I was depressed about or offered to help me. When i mentioned that some of it had to do with things that happened in my childhood, they refused to admit anything I'd gone through could have caused my problems today. Even when i was so ill i lost 26 pounds, the only comment my dad would make related to it was when he hugged me, he would tell me "You are too thin."

In talking to my husband one day several years ago, he admitted, "If we had it to do over, we wouldn't have had any kids."

Several years back, my parents divorced (though they continued living together). They didn't even tell me they'd gotten divorced. I found out accidentally, and when asking why they didn't tell me, i was told, "We didn't think it was any of your business." Funny thing is, they told my sister.

There's so much about my relationship with both parents, but typing this is making me feel so much pain inside, and i also feel guilty that i'm making them look bad. I had such a meltdown over the weekend. . .for some reason, all of this is just really getting to me lately.

So. . .the thing about my dad not answering the phone when i call. . .it's just a small thing. . .but yet it's not, you know?

I feel so sad.

[peaches100]

Through all of this, i can't recall even one time in the last 20 years that I've spoken harshly to my parents or criticized them for anything. When they come visit, i put all of my pain aside and act happy and upbeat because that is what my mom and sister expect from me. i feel like it's a stupid charade to act all happy and then spill my guts and dump my pain in therapy. But it's all i can do. i can't share any of my painful feelings with my family -- or get any empathy or support (heck, even acknowledgement of the pain). . .just as i could not do it as a child -- even if the feelings have to do with our relationship. it makes me feel so alone. i feel like i have to be what they want me to be. . .even though i never live up. . . and like they don't even care to know the real me.

[Sannah]

Peaches, I'm sorry where you find yourself in relation to your parents. I have never been able to get what I need from my mom so I quit trying. You can't make people what they aren't. I still think that you can heal, though, and create other healthy relationships in your life which you crave (we all crave healthy relationships!). Are you going to bring this up in therapy? You might need to mourn this a bit?

[purple_fins]

Ah yes!! the golden sibling-- yuk-- how I detest that dynamic! it resonates in my life too. (I will never be as good, never) Yea and the "golden one" was the rebellious one! how does that happen that she gets to be the desired one, when I followed the rules, gave respect and was never a burden.... argh!.....

I agree with what Sannah said.

No matter how much we want/need something from someone-- unless THEY are in the place to give it-- we are just banging our heads on the wall...
thats what I did with my mom for years and years(my dad was very distant and emotionally abusive -- then he died when I was 30) until just recently I've realized that she is who she is-- no matter how wrong of a mother she is-- unless SHE desires to improve, the only thing I can change is how I feel/think about it all and how I cope with it and how I accept myself the way I needed her to accept me.

I don't expect ANYTHING from her anymore and let me say-- it has set that part of me FREE!!!

how ever you handle it, I can sure understand that it's very difficult, my heart is with you

best to you and all

fins

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by WePow

Peaches, be SURE to print your post here off and let T read it. PLEASE! You are saying somethings very deep here. And I think your T will be able to help you sort through the feelings. It is not easy to understand the motives of another person or why your dad responds the way he does. But no - not all fathers are this way. But there is something here you are really starting to see that I think if you let your T just read it, something great will come forward for you and a breakthrough.

WePow,

I've talked a little bit about my dad with my t. But the majority of the time we've talked about my relationship issues with my mom. I know I need to address my feelings about him too. I wish i understood him better. It's like you said -- so hard to understand motives. I know that my dad didn't have a good experience with his own parents in childhood and i strongly suspect he is depressed and has his own issues. When i was a teenager, he went to see a psychiatrist just a couple of times and then quit. I wish so badly he had stuck with it. I really believe it could have had the potential to help him and transform our relationship.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

It can be kind of a guy thing. I've noticed the men in my family just don't like to chit chat on the phone unless they are talking about a football game with each other. My dad's not much of a talker. He will answer the phone, but it gets turned over to Mom pretty quickly. I just strike it up to Dad being Dad. Personally, I'm not offended by it because that's just the way he is. I know he cares about me. He's just not a big talker.

Farmergirl,

Thanks for letting me know it might partly just be a "guy thing." I take things so personally and then get hurt feelings over it. But i feel a little better knowing other dads do that too.