Preparing for a Hard Session

Sannah,

I was thinking about his statement about all the things he tries to do to help me, but that if he does any little thing, i get mad and forget all the good stuff he did. I'm afraid that makes me sound like an ungrateful, mean wife!

And the mentioning of the dependency and emailing, i sound like a pain in the butt patient who pesters her poor t all the time.

i guess that's why i felt a little beat up, or that i came across as not such a nice wife/patient.

Are you sure i don't sound like a real pain in the arse?

I don't think that means you are a mean wife, but perhaps this is something you can work on now that he has communicated it to you. If you do have a tendency to think in black and white, that's good to know because in knowing something, we can work on it.

This communication thing is difficult, but it is necessary. It didn't sound like either one of them were beating up on you. He was expressing his concerns and she was trying to help him understand. But I completely understand the "feeling" of being beat up on in a joint session. That's our own personal interpretation of what happened. Give yourself time to step and look at what was said. The objectivity will come later.

I read your whole summary and I never had one bad thought about you!

I think that it is nice that you and your husband have this arrangement! I stay home and my husband works but he cooks and I do the yardwork. One time I was out shoveling some dirt to cover some holes in the grass and one of our neighbors walks by and says "why isn't your husband doing that?" and I yell back "because he's in the house cooking dinner!". When my daughter was about 4 we were eating dinner and she said "I wonder what Haley's (her friend) dad is cooking for dinner?" She thought that all men were the cooks! I hate rigid gender roles!

(((( peaches )))) Thank you for sharing your update. It does sound like you are healing up and at least being able to see more about what you need to be healthy.
The black/white thinking is very difficult to break because when it is going on, we do not see the other side of the coin. uggs on that. But just being aware of your mind while the thinking is taking place really does help and that sounds like what you are attempting to do.

(((Peaches)))

What I read into your h's statements:
"I do everything I can to help my wife, and its not enough, so I feel like I'm not enough".

I don't read it as you are being the mean wife, I read it as H is insecure about his ability to be a good husband because when you are upset, he does not know how to help you. Maybe he is worrying that he is a bad husband???

Great work, Peaches!!! Please be kind and gentle with yourself.

Peaches, for what it's worth, I read what you wrote, and I did not get the sense that he was the perfect husband and you were the difficult wife. I saw a lot of honesty from each of you, and that you both care for each other, and that you both want your marriage to work and to help each other in life. It didn't seem one-sided at all. It sounds like it was a really good session and that both you and your H communicate well with your therapist and that you are not blaming each other for problems, just seeking ways to make things better and cope.