[peaches100]

I've been wondering why it seems to be such a No-No for a t and client to continue having a relationship after therapy ends. What's wrong with doing that? Especially if you've been in therapy long-term (years), the two of you would have developed a closeness and probably genuinely care about one another. So why not continue having contact in some form post therapy? I realize that the dynamics in therapy are different. The power differential is different. But once therapy ends, can't a mutual relationship be established? I don't see any reason why those previous t-client dynamics can't be changed. T's tell us all the time that with effort, we can change the dynamics in our own families and other relationships. So why not with them also? Obviously, after therapy ends, the former client couldn't keep expecting the sort of undivided attention to them and their problems to continue. But assuming the person is well enough to stop therapy, they would have learned how to solve most of their problems themselves. It wouldn't have to be the focus of the relationship.

[Sannah]

Licensing laws prohibit personal relationships with clients.

((((((((((peaches))))))))))

I think part of it is so that T is still there for us if we need a T. And maybe another part is that the power differential will always kind of be there in the background, no matter how much we try to make it an equal relationship.

T and I have talked about this, I think, in the context who we are facebook friends with. I love T, but (and?) I always want him to be there as my T if I need him. I think when (if) therapy ends, we'll keep in touch, for sure, but we'll never be "friends".

[WePow]

Peaches, I personally think it is important for a T to keep the boundry in place... if not just for the client, then also for them as a therapist. Once a "parent" always a "parent" ... Even if a parent becomes a great friend to an adult off-spring, there is a dynamic there that is a basic foundation of the relationship.

Concerning post-therapy - I don't believe one should ever just stop totally. If a person has a T who has helped them out with life issues, then even when the official therapy has ended, there should be the option of making an apt if needed. Or even if the person once a year just wants to return to see T and say "Look at me! WE DID IT!!" I think that is an investment in self worth and of theraputic value. just mho

[peaches100]

In my case, my will retire in the next couple of years. So there won't be an option of ever going back to her for therapy. The therapy relationship, of necessity, will be over. I know that i will always want to have some kind of contact with her. I don't mean buddies, where we'd hang out frqequently, going to movies and dinner and such. But what i envision is a situation where maybe we'd email or talk on the phone briefly every 3 months, and then perhaps meet in person for coffee 1 time each year, just as a way of touching base. Would that be a problem? Other than meeting for coffee once a year, we wouldn't be out socializing in public.

I just know my t has played such an important role in my life that it would feel very wrong to be cut off from her for good. i will want some form of contact with her as long as we both are alive.

[peaches100]

I would want to write her a letter once a year even when we are little old ladies. . .It's not really that i want to turn her into a friend. But the relationship feels significant to me, and i want it to continue in some form.

[Sannah]

That sounds okay to me. Are you going to ask her about this?

[peaches100]

I have asked her before if we can still have some kind of contact when therapy is over, and she has said she would not cut off all contact completely. But she has not said how frequently we could have contact or if we could ever see each other in person. She told me once that she get emails from former clients all the time. So I'm thinking at least an occasional email must be fine. But as to specifics. . .she says we will discuss it when the time comes.

[Melbadaze]

I don't think our T's think of us in that way...I know my T has a fulfilling private life..though i may be keen to know who more...she didn't enter into our theraputic relationship with a need to be part of a clients private life...I think the desire to be more is part of the work perhaps?

[rainbow8]

Peaches, my T told me that she is never friends with her clients when therapy ends because they may want or need to come back into therapy, and that wouldn't be ethical or professional. But, as you know, she didn't end it with me. She said I could come back any time and she'll fit me in.

My other Ts didn't end the relationship either. Even my first T told me I could write to her, and I did for years, but she never wrote me back. She had told me that she wouldn't. But I felt good knowing she would read my letters. This was before email, so it's all snail mail.

Another T allows me to email her as a way to keep in touch. She thinks it's fine, and she emails me back. It would be all right to call her too, but I haven't. I asked her advice about finding a new T.

None of these Ts would let me go to lunch them, though. That would be a boundary issue. However, people are posting about their Ts allowing lunch or dinner, so it IS done. When the time comes, or now, since it's bothering you, why don't you ask your T what she will allow.

[Sannah]

Well that's good Peaches. Is it hard to leave the details until then?

My t from college and I email back and forth a few times a year. We keep up with the every day goings on in our lives and families. I let him know what it going on with me mental health wise. We're more friends now than therapist-client. Gosh, it's been 25 years since I sat in his office as a client.

He does very little therapy these days. His job has become more administrative. He says he thinks he has one or two more years until retirement.

In our case, it was never an issue that I might become a client of his again. We live hundreds of miles apart and he is a university counselor.

[TayQuincy]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I would want to write her a letter once a year even when we are little old ladies. . .It's not really that i want to turn her into a friend. But the relationship feels significant to me, and i want it to continue in some form.

Peaches,
I stay in touch with my former T of 15 years. I write to her about 4 times a year (I could more frequently if I wished to). She also writes to me. She doesn't write about herself like a friend would though. We do continue to have a relationship, but our relationship has only changed in that she is my former therapist, and not my current therapist. She cannot be my friend. That is fine with me. She will always care about me and I her.

I've been picturing my possible post-therapy relationship with T since this thread started.

I feel sure that we will stay in touch via e-mail, absolutely. I don't know if I will ever see him outside of the office. Our relationship is SO intimate and intense. There is something about the really clear boundary of being in that office that makes it okay...he is the T, and I am the client. It's safe and it's right. I think the level of intimacy and intensity of our relationship would not make ANY sense in any other context. It's a special relationship, and it's very very T/client.

I don't think I can quite stand the idea of never seeing him again, so I imagine that I will try to see him once a year in his office. Or who knows? Maybe I'll just be done and move on. That's a weird thought.

[kitten16]

Some therapists are in practice with a masters in social work, though, right? I mean I think mine is. I'm not sure (need to check!), but I don't think he has a license that could be taken away or anything...

Originally Posted by Sannah

Licensing laws prohibit personal relationships with clients.

[kitten16]

But if you care about each other, then you are friends, no?

Originally Posted by TayQuincy

Peaches,
I stay in touch with my former T of 15 years. I write to her about 4 times a year (I could more frequently if I wished to). She also writes to me. She doesn't write about herself like a friend would though. We do continue to have a relationship, but our relationship has only changed in that she is my former therapist, and not my current therapist. She cannot be my friend. That is fine with me. She will always care about me and I her.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by kitten16

Some therapists are in practice with a masters in social work, though, right? I mean I think mine is. I'm not sure (need to check!), but I don't think he has a license that could be taken away or anything...

I have a MSW and you bet my license can be taken away.......... (I don't practice. I'm a stay at home mom now but I do maintain my license).

[pinkcorr]

Hi peaches,

I remember when the time came to end things with my last T, I did talk with her about how good it would be if we could meet up for coffee, and have a friendship. But I never felt this would be right for me. As much as it would be nice, I need that boundary. I finished seeing her 3 years ago, I've bumped into her a coupleof times in town, and we've chatted for a few minutes, we've also seen each other at the hospital where I go to TC and she still works. I know that I won't be able to stay in contact with staff from the TC either, but I'll still see them in the department when I'm in for therapy twice a week. Its really hard for me to have to say goodbye, it would be nice if I could email the T's from TC now and again. The t/client is such an important relationship, the therapists I've had have been like parents to me.

Its nice that you'll be able to have some form of contact. I was wondering the same thing as Sannah - "Is it hard to leave the details until then?"

[TayQuincy]

Originally Posted by kitten16

But if you care about each other, then you are friends, no?

No, to me a friend is someone with whom I have a reciprocal relationship. Friends share their struggles with each other and are there for each other. A friendship is a peer relationship. My former T doesn't come to me about her problems and issues in life. She doesn't cry on my shoulder, so to speak. There is always some level of power imbalance that is inherent in a therapeutic relationship. She does want to hear from me and know how i'm doing, and she cares a lot about me, but she is more in a "mother" type role than a friend.

[kitten16]

Hm, thanks for the info!

Originally Posted by Sannah

I have a MSW and you bet my license can be taken away.......... (I don't practice. I'm a stay at home mom now but I do maintain my license).

[crystalrose]

My old T and I write each other letters, i send her messages and in the future are planning to meet for coffee. I cant imagine the relationship ever ending! It would be far too painful.

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Peaches)))) I agree it would be a good topic for discussion. And, personally, I dont think there is a problem with meeting your T after she retires- whatever it might be- yearly or every now and then. And I see email OK, too. It still might be some kind of "theraputic" relationship- just outside the office. Thats how I see it, but my boundaries are kinda wobbly.

[chaotic13]

This thread is kind of a downer. IDK I guess there is a power differential at times in my therapy (like when presenting inner child stuff) but at other times I don't feel this way (when we're discussing professional or adult things). I don't have the illusion that my T and I will continue contact once I'm done with therapy. However, I would like to think that if our paths crossed again at some point unrelated to my therapy, that we could interact and see ourselves as casual accquaintances or friends. IDK maybe I'm showing one of the benefits of being somewhat detached. I guess I just see my relationship with my T as a professional relationship the same way I see my relationship with my students or the patients I treat. With my students, when they're "students" there is a power differential and socializing is not appropriate. However, when they graduate and move on and advance in their careers, that differential fades and the Instructor/Teacher/Professor title gets dropped and the relationship morphs into a colleague. IDK...maybe I am just being delusional in thinking that at some point I will stop seeing myself as a total train wreck and instead just another person like everyone else...including my T. I'm hoping that at some point I won't care about how much my T or anyone else for that matter knows about my past and the freaky little aspects of me floating around in my head. If I get here...why couldn't my relationship with my T shift?

[Brightheart]

I thought there was only a 2 year limitation on post-therapy relationships.

I still write former T very occassionally, but try to limit this. I do, however, intend to call him every year on his birthday for as long as I am able to. He will always be in my heart.

Today, T said to me that he wished we had met in more fun circumstances. That made me feel good