[peaches100]

I had a kind of emergency session yesterday after having a meltdown over the weekend. The sesion went well, and i left feeling alot better. I talked about some of my painful feelings from the past with my parents. Also talked about the painful feeling of missing her while she was out of the country. We did a visualization of me as a baby in a hospital nursery, where the adult me goes in and picks up the infant me and rocks her. It was a good experience, and i felt moved to tears a couple of times. It has been very, very hard for me to develop a feeling of compassion for the part of me that feels like a hurting child. And hard to soothe myself when i get triggered into that state. So i left my session feeling proud that at least i had been able to visualize soothing that part of me.

But when i got home, my h said something that made my heart drop and took away all the good feelings i had from my session. He told me he has noticed some good changes in me, but he thinks i rely too much on my t. He said he's been feeling like this for awhile, and has been wanting to come with me to my session to talk to my t about it.

Since yesterday was an emergency session, my t left my normal Wednesday appt on the books and said i could decide if i wanted to come in again this week or not. A part of me doesn't want to take him with me because i'm afraid that after talking to him, my t will decide to pull back from me and not want me to attach. But since my h brought up his concern, i feel like it would be wrong of me not to let him come with me and talk to my t about it together.

So today i emailed my t and told her my h thinks i rely too much on her, and the reasons why. I asked if she thought i should bring him with me to my session. She said if i wanted to bring him and he had something he needed to share, then it was important to bring him.

i feel so uneasy now.

((((((((((((peaches)))))))))))))))

I would never, never, never, never, NEVER bring my H to a session with T unless it was my decision and I felt 100% sure about it. I love my H and value my relationship with him, and if we needed it, I would do couples therapy with him, but my therapy is MY therapy. It is about me, and it's okay that it's about me. If my H said to me "I think you are too dependent on T", I would talk to T about it (probably) and T and I would decide if that was true for me or not true for me.

This is just my opinion. I am VERY protective of my therapy. But I just want to encourage you to listen to your own internal wisdom, and only bring H in if that is what YOU want.

[Sannah]

Yes, Peaches, what do you want? What do you think? Your husband could very easily be wrong (and I think he is!). He is free to have his opinion and you are free to not feel pressured just because he has an opinion. Boundaries..................

[Mike_J]

Bringing someone with you to a therapy session has to be something that you want, not the other person, just like Treehous and Sannah said.

Do you think you are too dependant on you therapist? It doesn't sound like you feel that way and just me looking in I don't feel that way.

And is it wrong to depend on others? I say NO, we all need support from others, just a question of getting the right kind of support from the right people.

[purple_fins]

your situation is similar to what I just experienced .....

My husband said, a couple weeks ago, that he'd like to talk to my T. and tell her some things that he believes I should be working on with her.
Well, the T. I see said that I entered into it with her as an individual and that's how it will always be-- especially since H and I already have a seperate couples counselor. The T. said that she will not ever let anything come between ..... (ugh, have a hard time with this coming expression.....)..... our "relationship".....
I'm not sure if she did the right thing by NOT having my H come to session... but.... it does feel safe there still to me... so maybe it was the right thing.

I think if you have a couples T. then that subject could be brought up there-- maybe having a VERY supportive husband wouldn't cause some women to lean so much on their T.s??? i don't know....

Maybe your T. can get your husband to understand how important support can be......

good luck with whatever you decide to do-- I imagine your T. will support your decision.

fins

[peaches100]

I wish i'd read your responses before i decided. i already told my h he could go tomorrow, and told my t i was bringing him.

oh dear.

My h says overall he feels good about my therapy and the progress we're making. It's just the dependency issue he's concerned about.

gosh i hope it goes OK tomorrow. i'll die if it works against me.

i guess i have to trust my t to weigh what my h says against what she knows about me.

- - - -

Do i think i'm too dependent on my t? i'm not sure. i am very dependent. But it's also true that i've lived most of my life unable to depend upon anyone (except my h). so aside from my h and my t, i am attachment/dependent-phobic. it is extremely hard for me to trust or to get close to people, or be vulnerable with them. Attachments in my past have mostly been rejecting, abusive, or abandoning. i want for once to learn that i can attach to a nurturing person and be safe and OK. i feel like i truly need it for my healing.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Do i think i'm too dependent on my t? i'm not sure. i am very dependent. But it's also true that i've lived most of my life unable to depend upon anyone (except my h). so aside from my h and my t, i am attachment/dependent-phobic. it is extremely hard for me to trust or to get close to people, or be vulnerable with them. Attachments in my past have mostly been rejecting, abusive, or abandoning. i want for once to learn that i can attach to a nurturing person and be safe and OK. i feel like i truly need it for my healing.

gosh, I agree with this a thousand million percent!! I'm starting to experience what I think is "healthy" attachment with my T and it may be the first time in my life that I have had that. I'm starting to understand how the therapeutic relationship itself is a huge part of the therapy.

[Sannah]

I don't think that you are too dependent on her. Can you change the plans for tomorrow if you want to?

Hi, I'm new here, but I wanted to comment that I think it might be really helpful for your h to go to your session.

My h has talked to my T about his concerns (with my permission, of course) and she reassured him that this is a long process and that I'm exactly where I need to be.

I would hope your T would also validate your feelings (she is YOUR T, not his) and also explain to your h that where you are right now is very normal, that dependency on a T is actually very healing.

At least, that's what I think she should tell him! If she is a good T (and it sounds like she is), then I think she will protect you and help your h be more supportive of you.

Just my two cents.

Like others have said, however, it is your decision. Good luck!!

Peaches,

It seems like there have been times you have brought H to therapy and haven't felt comfortable with the outcome. It seems like things are going well for you with T right now...could you let them both know that you've changed your mind for right now and you'll do it another time? You have the right to change your mind.

[tryingtobeme]

(((((((((((Peaches100)))))))))
I have had this same issues with my husband. I was sharing everything with my T and nothing with my husband. I did eventually bring him to a session or 2 but it was on my terms, ground rules were set as soon as we got in the room, and my T and I talked before hand on what we was going to talk about. And that is all. My husband even asked some questions that I wasn't ready to answer. I didn't and my T respected my decision on sticking to the plan we had prepared. So, if at any time you want your husband there, I would certainly set ground rules and plan ahead as I did wth my T. Remember, you are in charge of your therapy and no one can tell you what to do. Even your husband. Good luck and I hope it goes well for you. take Care.

[tryingtobeme]

I just read what you posted about you already making a decision. If you are uncomfortable or not ready for your husband to come with you, please don't take him. Tell him, you want to talk to T a little more before he comes in. I would also ask your husband what he wants to talk about that way you are not in the dark.

[sunrise]

peaches, I don't understand why your husband can't tell you his concerns and then you discuss them in therapy with your T if it is a topic you want to address. Why does he have to come to therapy? Purplefins, I felt the same way when I read your post. It is great that your husband is concerned with your wellbeing and shares his concerns, but why does he need to talk directly with the therapist? Why can't he just tell you what he thinks would be helpful for you to work on? Peaches and Purplefins, do your husbands not think you are capable of talking to your therapists yourselves? It sounds paternalistic to me--your husbands want to bypass you and speak directly to "the person in authority"--your Ts. It has a feel to it of "they're treating you like children." Sorry if I'm overinterpreting that.

Peaches, if your H is concerned about dependency, and so are you, then you could talk to your T about it yourself. If there is any information that comes out of that discussion that is worth reporting back to your H (you decide), then you can.

Originally Posted by Peaches

I wish i'd read your responses before i decided. i already told my h he could go tomorrow, and told my t i was bringing him.

Why not say to H, "I've changed my mind and want to talk to T about this on my own, I'll let you know how it goes." Then just show up to therapy by yourself, and talk about this topic.... if you want. It's OK to change your mind about this, peaches.

Do i think i'm too dependent on my t? i'm not sure. i am very dependent.

When people use that phrase about therapy, I'm not sure what it means. Does it mean you are close to your T? I think that's a good thing. Does it mean you trust her? I think that's a good thing. Does it mean you can't make any decisions in life without consulting her? I don't think that's a good thing. Does it mean that if you get upset about something, that you have to call your T in order to cope? Ultimately, I don't think that's a good thing, but in the early and mid stages of therapy it might be an OK thing as the client learns coping skills. I'm sure everyone has their own opinion of what is overly dependent and what is not. Those are some of my opinions, specific to my own situation rather than yours. Peaches, do you know what your husband even means when he says you are too dependent on your T? What behaviors doesn't he like? Seeing her for weekly appointments? Emailing her between sessions? Deferring decisions until you can check with T? What is he concerned about?

Good luck with the session, whatever you decide.

[WePow]

Peaches, I have allowed my S/O to come with me to see T only 2x now. The first was because T wanted just to meet my S/O to see who that person was and check on our dynamics because I have attachment issues. The second time was because I am doing trauma healing and my S/O was kinda worries a lot about if T was helping me. S/O did not like seeing me so hurt and in crisis so much. I told S/O that it was ok to join for 1/2 the session and then when I needed my T time - I kinda gently kicked S/O out of the therapy room! :-) I said "Ok. You said you would wait for me outside the office, is that ok now? We will be done soon." and then I gave S/O a big hug infront of T and T gave my S/O a hug too! Then at the end of session T gave me a hug! And now T gives me a hug more often! And S/O felt much better and no longer is asking me if this is helping :-) So I hope it works out for you too!

Joint sessions can be very stressful, but equally helpful. Your husband is willing to discuss this with your t. Sounds like he's not just passing a judgement, but wanting to find out if he's seeing things correctly or not. That's great. This will be a forum for you and your t to clarify your relationship in a way that your husband will understand. He sounds open to input, or he wouldn't have asked to go with you in the first place. Don't worry. Your t will know how to handle the session. She will be sure you are not invalidated.

I would consider it a couple's session rather than YOUR session, though. If you would rather meet with your t at another time other than your scheduled session, that might be a good idea so you don't feel like it is impeding on your individual time.

[purple_fins]

sunrise wrote:

peaches, I don't understand why your husband can't tell you his concerns and then you discuss them in therapy with your T if it is a topic you want to address. Why does he have to come to therapy? Purplefins, I felt the same way when I read your post. It is great that your husband is concerned with your wellbeing and shares his concerns, but why does he need to talk directly with the therapist?

not talking for peaches here, but in my case, my H has always wanted to be in control and has anger problems(and alcohol issues). He pushes and pushes until he gets his way....... but not this time.... after over two years he's still never met my T. ! ... but she keeps in touch with our couples T. so she knows a bit about him.

Peaches and Purplefins, do your husbands not think you are capable of talking to your therapists yourselves?

again, in my case, my husband thinks he is "better" at things than most people.(his mother has told him that since he was a toddler and she makes sure I hear it too) and so I believe he thinks that I might not be talking to T. about enough of the things that he feels I need help with. (we have a history of him doing dysfunctional things because he decided that it's what I would want but in reality it's what he felt was the thing/s to do)......it's confusing to me..... I've not ever had a "healthy" relationship.(much childhood trauma, abuse, neglect and blurred boundaries left an absence of the "rules" and "instructions" of what a "healthy" relationship is supposed to be like.)... I've told two T.s that I feel I"ve missed important early chapters in the book of life-- on human development in healthy relationships.

I don't know if it's so much my husband being paternalistic, maybe a little, I've not thought of it that way...... I think he wants me to quit making a stand for myself around him, he gets VERY defensive and often says things like, "You just always want to right and I'm always wrong" and "I'm NOT losing this argument"...... (I've tried to tell him over and over that there is no winner or loser in that I'm telling him I feel unheard.... it's a feeling-- not a contest...... but I don't think he understands)

anyway-- thanks for pointing that out sunrise

and peaches-- I hope things go OK for you tomorrow.
I hope you don't mind me "stepping on" your thread.
if so, I apologize.

fins

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by purple_fins

your situation is similar to what I just experienced .....

My husband said, a couple weeks ago, that he'd like to talk to my T. and tell her some things that he believes I should be working on with her.
Well, the T. I see said that I entered into it with her as an individual and that's how it will always be-- especially since H and I already have a seperate couples counselor. The T. said that she will not ever let anything come between ..... (ugh, have a hard time with this coming expression.....)..... our "relationship".....
I'm not sure if she did the right thing by NOT having my H come to session... but.... it does feel safe there still to me... so maybe it was the right thing.

I think if you have a couples T. then that subject could be brought up there-- maybe having a VERY supportive husband wouldn't cause some women to lean so much on their T.s??? i don't know....

Maybe your T. can get your husband to understand how important support can be......

good luck with whatever you decide to do-- I imagine your T. will support your decision.

fins

Hi Purplefins,

My h and i don't have a couple's t. We each have our own individual t's. It has worked pretty good that way because we each have very different issues, and the main problems aren't marital. He has told me i am welcome to go with him to his sessions anytime i want to. I very rarely go unless he is having a super tough time with something and i think my input would help -- or if there is a matter going on between us that i feel needs addressed. Otherwise, i don't feel a need to go with him to his t. He has been seeing his t for many years, and I've gone maybe a total of 4 times.

On the other hand, my h asks to come with me every 3 months or so. He doesn't absolutely insist, but he keeps bringing it up, kind of lightly pestering me about coming along until i give in and let him. Sometimes it has gone well, and i've been glad i brought him. Other times, it has not gone so well, and i have regretted it.

Only another 1-1/2 hours until my h and i leave for my appointment. I feel kind of nervous, but not too bad. I'm mostly worried about what will be said about the dependency on my t.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by zooropa

gosh, I agree with this a thousand million percent!! I'm starting to experience what I think is "healthy" attachment with my T and it may be the first time in my life that I have had that. I'm starting to understand how the therapeutic relationship itself is a huge part of the therapy.

Zooropa,

I wish my h understood that the therapy relationship is part of the therapy. He thinks i should consider her only as a trained professional, the way i would any of my doctors. He doesn't think i should be focusing on the relationship with her, and chalks up my attachment feelings as being due to my "illness" (referring to Borderline, although that is not my official diagnosis). I'm really hoping my t will explain to him why the attachment/dependency is a part of the process, and that it is not abnormal.

We'll see. . .

[zooropa]

thinking of you, peaches.
let us know how it goes!

[sunrise]

I hope everything went well at your appointment, peaches.

[rainbow8]

I hope it went well too, Peaches.

[peaches100]

I wrote a long post about my session yesterday on PC but when I tried to upload it, it said I wasn’t logged in or something and it lost everything!! I was so frustrated, I couldn’t bring myself to start all over again. I’ll give it another try today though.

The session went OK. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t horrible either. We really didn’t get a straight answer from R. about whether I was too dependent or not. She did explain to my h a little bit about trauma and how it can result in dissociated self parts. She said it’s the traumatized part of me we’ve been working with in my sessions, and because of the nature of the work, there will be some reliance/dependency. But she didn’t say whether it was “too much.” R. seemed more interested to find out how my h felt about my dependency on her. She asked him a few times if he felt hurt seeing me rely on her. Did he wish I was relying more on him instead? He said No, insisting he didn’t feel that way. But I think he does. He has told me, “If you have a problem, you can call me too, you know.”

We also talked a little bit about my emailing. My h told her how upset I get when she doesn’t reply to a message. He also told how every 3 weeks or so, I seem to get triggered/upset with her for something. He said it usually lasts for days until I get a chance to talk to her/see her. He hates to see me upset like that and wants to solve the problem. For example, if the emailing is causing me upset, just stop emailing. He mentioned how busy she is and that he tells me I should “give her a break.”

I told them that when I am going about my normal routine, I know she is busy and I don’t feel the need to email. (R. inserted here, “That’s her reasonable mind.”) But I said when something triggers me, it feels so bad I feel like I need to communicate with her. (She didn’t say it, but I guess that’s my “emotion mind.” These are DBT terms.) R. didn’t say whether I emailed too much. But I know I sometimes do. I just don’t think R. wants to criticize me. She knows how sensitive I am, and that I don’t email just to be a pest – I do it because I honestly feel the need to. I am doing better about email now than I used to. Most weeks, I only email once or twice.

My h talked a lot about how it hurts him to see me suffering when i have one of my episodes (either being upset with R. or getting triggered about my parents or my feelings of being unimportant). He told R. that he tries to make my life as easy as possible, doing all the cooking, cleaning, etc., so I can just come home and not have to do anything. He also told how, when I get into one of my moods, he tries to get my mind on something happy. He also said that I am black and white when it comes to him: normally, I think he is just great and wonderful. But the minute he does something to hurt my feelings, I get mad and forget all the good things he has done up to that point. He said once I get upset about something, I hold onto it and won’t let go of it. I told him that’s not really true when it comes to him. I do get upset and forget the good things about him, but it’s only temporary. We usually talk it over, and then I go right back to thinking he is great and wonderful. I never hold it against him for days.

Through all of this, R. mostly just listened. I imagine she could relate to his feeling of being great and wonderful, and then doing something, and me getting all upset and forgetting the good he’s done. I know I have done the same thing with R. many times. I don’t know why I do that. It’s like I can’t see the good and bad at the same time. I either see them one way or the other. I’ve read this is a BPD trait.

Oh yeah. Then, the subject of BPD got brought up. My h was saying how accepting his illness (bipolar) has helped him deal with it better. So he has encouraged me to accept what I am (meaning BPD). He acknowledged that I hate being called that, and I told them it is because I don’t do a lot of the things that people with BPD normally do: I don’t threaten sui, don’t cut, don’t have rages, etc. R. stepped in and said that what I have is Complex PTSD. She said if I had a single incident trauma in my life, then it would be much easier to treat. But if I’ve had a trauma, along with years of feeling invalidated and abandoned, then the work is much more difficult. It affects the core self (or something like that). She said she knows my h just wants me to get better. But this work doesn’t happen quickly. It’s a slow process.

R. said it was clear that my h cared about me and wanted to help me. She said but maybe the way he is trying to help might not be what I need. So she asked me what could my h do at times when I get triggered and am in emotional pain? I had a hard time answering that because most times, I am either upset about R. or about my parents. When I’m upset with R., I don’t know if my h can make me feel better. It’s true that I won’t feel better until I talk to R. about it. And I’m reluctant to talk about my pain regarding my parents with him because I know how much he dislikes them already. It just makes it harder when they come to town and he doesn’t want to see him. So honestly, I am not sure how he can help me at times like that. I finally said it might help if he points it out to me when I am ruminating too much, because that can cause a spiral. And if he can get my mind onto something else, that would help. But it’s very hard to snap out of it once I get triggered about something. It’s like a record being stuck, and I can’t get my mind off of it or stop my intense feelings about it.

That’s the gist of the session. I mostly feel OK about it. But in a way, I think my h came out looking like the perfect husband, and me like the difficult wife. I felt a little beat up. I don’t think he intended to make me feel that way, but I just did.

One good thing he did tell her is that he has noticed some really good improvements in me, such as that I am more assertive than I used to be. I speak up and say how I feel now, even if I’m angry with someone. I didn’t used to do that, as I felt too guilty and mean to admit I was mad about anything.

Anyway, I think it was good. But I won’t be ready to bring him with me again for awhile.

[Sannah]

Peaches, I didn't see the difficult wife part????? From what you told us it sounds like he is really concerned about you and wants to help and it sounds like he wasn't blaming you at all about anything. Are you projecting how you feel about yourself onto this??

[peaches100]

For those of you who don't know my circumstances, my h is semi-disabled so he's a house husband and i go to work. I just wanted to explain why my h made the comment to my t about how he cooks and cleans so i don't have to.

It actually works really well for us. He's great at organizing a household and keeping things done, and it is nice to be able to come home from work and not have to work around the house too! The only drawback is living on one income is sometimes difficult. And we both struggle with how others view our role-switching, and how we feel about it. He feels guilty at times for not working outside the house, and i feel guilty for not cooking and cleaning. But it works really well for us.

Sounds like it was a very good session. Glad it went well.