[rainbow8]

Maybe my problem is not fixable because my pattern is starting to repeat already and it's only the fourth session with my new T. Today was different from the previous sessions because it seemed like the session was over before it even got started! She had someone else coming so we had about 50 minutes, not 1 1/2 hours. I even told her I was "spoiled" by the longer sessions we had up till now, and asked if there will always be someone after me if I came at the time I came today. She said "no."

I brought in a lot of family photos to show her, just because I wanted to. That took awhile. First I told her about feeling exposed last week. She was glad I told her, and said she was sorry, and that maybe we went too fast. Backtracking, the first thing she did with me is deep breathing, and says she does that with all of her clients. It's good because it potentially may help me relax.

I clarified a few statements I made last week, like saying "I wouldn't tell you if I had those kinds of feelings for you." I told her I thought that I was rude. She didn't think so. And "I'd go back to bt in a minute." I told her I didn't meant that, but I missed bt. She said that was okay too.

But then I started discussing my feelings for bt and I got stuck. We only had 10 minutes, so she wanted me to talk to the part of me who felt exposed, and asked if I could feel compassion and gratitude towards her because she was helping me by protecting me. I know that's IFS talk. I have to get used to it. I hope I can because it's a little weird to me.

She said somthing about how she was going to be my coach. Immediately my heart sank and I said "that's what bt always told me." Then I said "what if I want you to be more than a coach to me?" I don't know what she answered to that. It was time to go.

So, I was disappointed when I left because it was too short and not very intense. Also because I don't like that "coach" talk. I already want MORE, and I'm not going to get it. She knows I want to talk about the part of me that wants that, and I know we will talk more about the chld parts--exiles as she calls them. But we didn't this time. I think she agreed that it was too much too soon last session. But if I think about it, I liked feeling "exposed" better than I liked feeling "nothing". See, I'm still messed up with wanting what I can't have from therapy.

She was glad I could "sit with my feelings" and not email or call, but I may email her just to see what happens. She never told me I couldn't, and it's important to me to have that option.

When I left, I wanted to call bt! I miss her! But I didn't. I'm impatient. Maybe that's my problem? I wanted to jump right in but is that unrealistic? It was easy the first few sessions, but now I'm more worried about what she will think of me. I want to feel more connected to her, but she's still a stranger. Oh, yuk. Therapy is so frustrating. At least I am glad it didn't cost me $100, but only about $10.

[Kiya]

=( dunno what to say, but wanted to offer support anyway!

[rainbow8]

Thank you for responding, Kiya. Interesting that my T uses that quote on her information about herself. "The only way out is through." I like that quote! She attributes it to Robert Frost, though. I wonder who said it first?

[Fartraveler]

Rainbow, here's a question for you. If your "attachment to T" problems were all solved, if that problem didn't exist for you, then what would you be going to therapy for? What other problem in your life would you be trying to solve?

-Far

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((Rainbow)))))))))))
Ugh, sounds frustrating.

Maybe instead of thinking of it as the 'honeymoon' being over,
you could think of it as 'growing pains'.

T is still learning about you, and vice versa, and it's probably not possible for the connection to be perfect right from the start. Give yourself some time.....I know the feeling of being impatient though.

[Melbadaze]

Rainbow, Over here in the uk coaches are not therapist. Perhaps you need a therapist that will help you work through your issues.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

She said somthing about how she was going to be my coach. Immediately my heart sank and I said "that's what bt always told me." Then I said "what if I want you to be more than a coach to me?" I don't know what she answered to that. It was time to go.

So, I was disappointed when I left because it was too short and not very intense. Also because I don't like that "coach" talk. I already want MORE, and I'm not going to get it.

Can you start by asking her about this next week, rainbow? It sounds like it really bothered you. Maybe she can clarify what she meant by "coach"...it's not necessarily the same thing that bt meant.

As for the connection...you will get there. I feel deeply connected to my T, but I DEFINITELY didn't feel that connection after 4 sessions. It took a lot of time and a lot of work...but it was worth the wait.

to you. Therapy is hard!

[rainbow8]

Far, I have anxiety. That's enough of a problem to seek therapy for. My former T told me it's good for me to be in therapy for maintenance. I get upset about life in general. So, there are reasons.

But, I want more than anything to work through, get over, and accept this attachment problem. I want to know why I can't stop it. I am smart enough to know by now it's not good for me, but here I am feeling depressed because I don't feel that "high" or whatever it is from my new therapy. It's a craving/obsession/addiction. I am going to see if this IFS can get me to accept that part of me who wants this. I think that's the idea with IFS. To look at that part with curiousity. Right now I HATE that part of me.

Thanks, darkrunner. You're right. I want this problem solved "yesterday" and it's not gonna happen that fast.

melba, this T is a licensed social worker with traning in internal family systems. She didn't use the word "coach" like my other T did, who was more into bavioral therapy, and didn't have a counseling degree. I think she meant that in IFS the T teaches the client how to understand, accept, and integrate the parts of themselves. It's not superficial. It's the model she uses. I've never had this kind of therapy, so I'm giving it a try.

I think the word "coach" threw me because my other T didn't go "deep" into my past or feelings. My new T does. Does that make sense?

tree: You're right. I reacted to the word "coach" because bt did not have a degree and didn't want to go "deep." Kt has the degree and experience with IFS. But I know a part of me reacted because of wanting so much to repeat my "pattern" and it sounds like kt isn't going to want me to. IFS is supposed to teach ME how to care for myself. That's SO what I need, but the opposite of what I want. So I'm fighting myself on it. Kt is not like bt; she's not intimidating, and she's NICE. But I miss bt anyway, because I've known her for 7 years, and it would be so nice just to be with her. I can't expect, you're right, to feel that with a new T right away.

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow,

I think i understand your concern, especially about wanting our t to be more than they can be for us. But I think the problem we both run into is black and white thinking. It's not a situation of EITHER our t takes care of us and bond with us OR we have to take care of and connect with ourselves. I think BOTH can happen.

I'm running into a problem right now where i've been starting to nurture/provide care for myself, rather than always looking to my for it. And, wouldn't you know it, I'm starting to feel abandoned. . .as though, if i take care of myself, then t will stop caring for/helping me. I know it is probably not true, but it's a real deep fear. I've had to email her to let her know my fear that, as i start learning to take care of my own needs, that she will retreat/distance from me.

So. . .if you can (I know it's hard), try not to think in black and white about this. You (and I) can learn to take care of ourselves, AND have our t's show concern and care for us. No, they can't be like a mother and give us as much as we want. But they can give us some of what we need, and that is good and OK.

Maybe part of the growth is in learning to accept what they give us as "good enough" even if it is not "everything?"

As far as wanting the intensity/high of the therapy work, i can identify with you with this as well. Yesterday's session didn't feel very productive for me. Upon thinking more about it, i realize it is because i didn't feel a strong emotional connection with her, or intense feelings inside myself. Somehow, I equate a good session with an intense one. Yet alot of productive discussion/examination can happen in the course of an hour without necessarily having strong emotional reactions to it. So we both may need to rethink what a good/productive session really is.

As far as pace, i know you want to jump right into the work and resolve the problems! (Good motivation!) Also, I know you've had alot of therapy, so you probably don't want to waste any more time! But your t needs to learn more about you before she can help you get where you need to go. And she has new skills to teach you, that you will need time to practice and make part of your life.

Would it be possible for you to keep your motivation in therapy, but slow down your expectations of your new t and yourself?

[SpottedOwl]

(((rainbow8)))

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Maybe my problem is not fixable because my pattern is starting to repeat already and it's only the fourth session with my new T.

Maybe the pattern is starting to repeat so you can fix it as soon as possible?
I believe things show up in our lives because they want to be healed. I know it might be a stretch right now, but you could view this pattern coming up so quickly as a positive sign. A sign that this T can help you, so some part of you is wanting to share this pattern with her.

So, I was disappointed when I left because it was too short and not very intense. ...But if I think about it, I liked feeling "exposed" better than I liked feeling "nothing". See, I'm still messed up with wanting what I can't have from therapy.

You want more therapy. You WANT to heal. You put yourself out there and shared, and you even liked feeling a little 'exposed'. ALL of that is so positive. It tells me you want to heal, you are engaging with your T, being open, honest, working hard -- ALL positive traits.

Why tack on an insult to yourself?

Be kind to yourself, rainbow. You are doing really good work.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, SpottedOwl. I'm filled with "yes, buts" though I know you are trying to help, and you gave me a different perspective. But it's not something new for me to exhibit this pattern. It's old history. I want to heal, but a big part of me wants the connection with the T, and that's not healing for me. I KNOW it's good to have a secure attachment to the T, but not the way I want to do it. I can't seem to explain it right. I think it's like SarahxxChristine posted. I think there's an OCD component in it for me.

Does it really sound like I'm insulting myself? Hmm.....I didn't know that. I thought I was accepting that this obsession/attachment/addiction problem may be something I just have to accept and live with, and not ever fix.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

See, I'm still messed up with wanting what I can't have from therapy.

I think maybe this statement sounds like you are insulting yourself, rainbow.

If any attachment with the therapist is a problem for you, and leads to OCD-type obsessing, do you think it would be better for you to not be in therapy at all? It seems like if what you really want is to not attach to a therapist, the easiest way to do that would be not being in therapy. Have you ever had a period of time when you weren't in therapy? How did that feel??

At the same time, I do still wonder if the "cure" to the attachment thing is having a therapist who will willingly let you attach. I know that for me, the more open T is to my attachment, the less urgent it feels. It just ends up feeling comfortable instead of obsessive. I was only able to get to the comfortable place because T is SO wide open and accepting of attachment...I suspect if he wasn't, I'd feel WAY more obsessed about the same thing.

to you Rainbow. I know you are really struggling with this.

[Fartraveler]

I tend to get obsessed with my T, also. It's been important (and painful) to me, but my T never really gives it a top priority. She was just always sympathetic about all that ("yes, it is hard that we can't be friends"), and she's also always been extremely tolerant of my behavior (which has definitely been somewhat extreme at times). But I think she kind of views all that stuff as a symptom, not as a core problem. If you know what I mean.

So it has never really been something that we've focused on. We've focused more on my issues in making my real life work for me. And, basically, as I've gotten healthier and more sure-footed in those areas, the obsession type things (and also the cutting) (and the rest of the bpd-ish issues) have more or less been fading away. Not completely gone, and they do come back when I'm stressed. But they come back with less force, and they are much less overwhelming.

I think my T would say that for me, focusing on her is just a way I distract from focusing on myself. Anyway, that's just been my experience, and of course everyone is different, so I'll toss in these ideas just to add to the mix. Just ignore them, if you prefer.

-Far

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Rainbow)))) I cant post now, my eyes are closing....there is so much I thought of when I was reading. I will hopefully be able to post more tomorrow. I know you are looking for that "high" with her and she is too giving and understanding of your younger parts for you to get high on her. Maybe the intense attachment is a way to avoid true intimacy and connection with another person? Like an addiciton. When we are in it (an addiction) it is very hard to see what the heck we are trying to avoid by acting out.

OK..into bed.....

[SpottedOwl]

(((rainbow8)))

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thank you, SpottedOwl. I'm filled with "yes, buts" though I know you are trying to help, and you gave me a different perspective. But it's not something new for me to exhibit this pattern. It's old history. I want to heal, but a big part of me wants the connection with the T, and that's not healing for me.

I don't know the whole history, but based on what you wrote about your last session I see nothing 'wrong' with how you felt. You fit so much in that little amount of time with T, and had just started talking about a big issue -- it makes sense that you want more.

Beliefs are powerful things. If we think the world is horrible, we can easily find examples of how bad the world can be. At the same time if we think the world is beautiful, we can also easily find examples of beauty -- it all depends on what we're looking for.

I wonder if this idea, or belief that you cannot have a healthy connection with T is just that -- a belief. So, you look at your last session, find yourself wanting more, and decide that it fits in the 'unhealthy' category. But, is it really unhealthy to feel disappointed after a big topic gets brought up and the session ends? I think just about all of us here have experienced that.

Tree is right, that I thought your quote about being still messed up is, IMHO insulting yourself. Really, you are judging yourself...and that can be dangerous. You found 'evidence' to support your 'belief' that this feeling is 'bad', so therefore you judge yourself to be 'messed up', and that gives you permission to beat yourself up.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

No matter what, be kind to yourself. Everyone is deserving of love and kindness.