if you step outside and look at things from a pure logical perspecitve, don't you think it is crazy how much we "need" or come to depend on T

~ someone we pay to listen to us or help us..someone who once the $$ stopped, so would the relationship.

the whole thing seems wrong to me in some way, when i think about it.

anyone ever think about this?

how do you get over it?

[sunrise]

I have a deep and close relationship with my therapist. I would like to have better friendships in the real world too. I'm not sure how to form them. They take time and nurturing, and I am so so busy. I'm a person who can hardly stop to smell the roses. So therapy is really different. There is this deep relationship and a place where I can go to slow down for a moment and feel things. I've never had a friend that was as good as my T at listening and empathizing. It just isn't the same as a friendship, it's something different, and is something that I pay for. My T is very good at what he does. I pay him for his services. I pay a hairdresser to cut my hair. I pay the paper boy to deliver my newspaper. I pay my doctor to monitor my blood pressure. I just think what T does is worth so much more than what I pay these other people to do. If I had to give up all the services I pay for from people and got to keep only one, I would keep therapy. Because I value it so much, I guess that is why I am OK with paying T's fee.

[Melbadaze]

get over? Or work through? I don't see it as crazy now, it use to scare me, but now its leveling out and I have gotten to know that part of me more now. I honour it, don't feel shame around it.

[elliemay]

Well, if I step outside and look at it, then I see that the relationship I have with my T is a therapeutic one, and therefore unlike other relationships I have in my life.

Of course we pay our T's to listen to us, just as we would pay a physician to listen and treat our symptoms, or a lawyer to represent us in legal matters. No one would question that a cancer patient needs their oncologist. We trust these professionals to apply their skills to help us with our problems and pay them for these skills.

I think where it gets murky is that, because we do talk about such intimate matters, it feels more like a friendship, or the relationship to a parent, spouse etc..., but there is a notable difference.

The T (ideally) takes themselves out of the relationship entirely, focuses solely on our problems, and brings their training and orientation to our treatment to help us bring about resolution to those problems. Sometimes the focus and the benefit of the therapy lies in building the trust, safety and generalization of that one-sided relationship.

Again, to use the physician example, what if you went in with a sinus infection, and the doc started telling you all about his last sinus infection? or the problem with his bowels whatever... This is what a friend could and would likely do.

Also, we can expect our T to completely divest themselves from our lives, provide a neutral environment in which our mental health is the only thing that matters. This is something that we can never rely on from a mutual, non-therapeutic relationship.

Suppose I went to my husband and said, "you know, I've been feeling really down and just don't think I can take it anymore". I would expect my husband to react, not only out of concern for me perhaps, but also to how the ramifications of that statement would affect him. What if I left? Do I not love him anymore? If I melt down what will happen to him? In therapy though I can say that, objectively talk about it and know that the therapist is acting according to his training and only in my interest, and not his own.

That's worth it's weight in gold if you ask me. Yeah, I complain about the cost, but the service that a therapist (A good one) provides merits payment. Yes, the relationship would end, or change if we stopped paying them,but hopefully the benefit that we received from that relationship would not.

The longer I am in therapy, the more I see that the therapeutic relationship is like NO other relationship I have ever had.

It is so special to me, because it is absolutely unique. It is not like a relationship I would have with a parent, or a lover, or a friend, or a physician...it is something completely different.

I do love and need T, and I know that T loves me as well, and our relationship IS very intimate....but it is also very one-sided. HE is there for ME. No matter what is going on in his life, he has to set it all aside and focus on what *I* need, and what *I* feel and how he can help *me*. And he DOES set his own stuff aside and do that.

The limitations of the therapeutic relationship can be frustrating....I would LOVE to be able to call him at night when I am stuck with feelings and memories and don't know what to do with them...but the boundaries are there for a reason. I have been in a "therapeutic relationship" without boundaries before and it was damaging and anything BUT therapeutic.

I have felt just like you do though, solarwind. I sort of had to experience being in a really safe and healthy therapeutic relationship before I was really able to "get" how good and important this relationship can be.

[WePow]

When we first started seeing a T in college, it made me mad. I was upset because the college "made" me go for one thing (thankfully a teacher saw I was in very serious danger of self harm and she took action to save my life). But when I started talking to him, I was mad because he did listen and was trying to help me. I was not paying him to do this - but the school was. But I was mad because I did not have anyone "in real life" who cared as much as he did and would listen to me. I felt very alone in the world and confused because a stranger was listening to me when my friends and family were so blind to my pain.

Now that I am back in therapy after being out of it for 12 yrs, I am far more understanding of the beauty of the theraputic relationship. And I am very thankful that there is a profession that can accomplish what therapy accomplishes. I could never - EVER- tell a friend the type of things I tell my T about my past or about how I felt inside when things happened. And he has the expertise to help me understand my own mind or why I felt certain ways. He does it all without pity for me. I can not stand to be looked at with pity!! And even friends - when I would tell them just a small detail about my past - they would have pity in their eyes - and I would resent them for that and resent myself for saying anything to them about it.

For me, it is like having a personal fitness trainer for my heart and mind.
I am still the one who has to do the heavy lifting and stretching, but my T has walked this path on his own and with many others. So he knows how far to push me without me breaking. He knows just what to say and when to say it. I firmly believe that this money being spent is the best investment I have ever made.

I don't think it's crazy to "need" T so much. I think it's really really uncomfortable. But not crazy.

My t has helped me see that I spent most of my childhood not needing anyone....it was survival. I became extremely independent. So now, as I begin to let myself feel need, it's so hard! But when I get my needs met, it is so comforting and healing.

I say don't judge yourself for being so needy and dependent during this process. As you heal more, you'll feel less dependent on your t. But you'll never stop needing people, I hope.

Originally Posted by Solarwind

~ someone we pay to listen to us or help us..someone who once the $$ stopped, so would the relationship.

Have you ever asked your T if this is true?

My t has said to me that our relationship is very real and not temporary....she's in my life for good if I want her to be. We'll never be friends or anything...but she has said she is always available to support me and check in, even after I move on.

I'm guessing you're not just a paycheck to your T, solarwind...but I'd encourage you to ask for that reassurance.

[rainbow8]

Solarwind, I can identify with your post very well. I have struggled with my needs for the T all through my therapy, and this goes back years. I don't think it is "wrong" though. It just "is". One of my Ts told me that the therapeutic relationship cannot be duplicated in real life; it's unique. Freud "set it up" so that transference would occur, and that was how the T knew what the patient's problems were. In almost all therapy, this still happens to some extent, though I know of some people who were in therapy and never "needed" their Ts. It doesn't happen to everyone.

How do you get over it? It depends on how much the neediness for the T is bothering you. In many cases, the relationship becomes such that you don't feel it as neediness because you have a secure attachment to the T.

Melba said you don't get over it. You work through it. I agree. You discuss it with your T and see where that leads you. In my case, this working through stage hasn't happened yet. Everyone is different. For me, the neediness turned into obsession/addiction for my Ts, so it has become the major reason I am seeing a new T. I've learned that I have to get to the underlying issues in order to work through the neediness.

The answers everyone gave are good ones, but I understand what you mean, and how it looks from the outside.

Have you found a new T you like yet?

[AtreyuFreak]

I understand where you're coming from. And I've felt like that before. But once you create a truly great relationship, they're not "just" a therapist.

I still keep in touch with my AODA counselor, and she's like a mother/crazy MCR-loving friend to me. When my family was having financial issues (which seems like all the time) she fought as hard as hell with the insurance company to continue seeing me. What other "service" (a barber, nail salon, accountant, etc) would help you and care for you like that? I can't think of any.

[BlueMoon6]

I have a weird response. I guess I think its weird because it is coming from me, Miss Attach-to-anyone-who-shows-an-interest. I dont think I am attahed to ftt. I like her, I want to see her and go to therapy, but if she were to tell me she was leaving and I had to find another T it wouldnt really affrect me either way. Id miss her, I think. But I am not attached to her and I dont think about her during the week. Is it that there connection isnt there? Or is it that if I dont have the drama and thrill of acting out old family issues that I just dont care or just dont attach? The last one is a fear of mine. If I dont get a thrill, I dont care. Its a sort of detachment on my part from other people. I think there is a lot of truth in this possibility for me.

I've needed all three of my t's along the way. The first two I didn't pay for: one was at the university and the other was my pastor who was a licensed pastoral counselor. The one I see now I pay for, but that doesn't really bother me or anything. This is his profession. I know he doesn't care for me out of some financial obligation. He just cares. That's what good t's do.

As long as he's still in practice, whether I'm still seeing him or not, I'm sure I will feel free to call on him as I need to. I do think my need will lessen over time as I become more able to deal with life. Life marches on. But I also suspect I will have times when I will call upon him for help. He cares. He'll be there for me.

I don't think the client/therapist relationship is crazy at all. It is what it is. Certainly different than any other relationship, but not crazy.

Yes, I have thought about this many many times, and I dont know if I will ever really come to terms with it. As you say, once the money stops, so does the relationship. I think the world of my T, but had i known how bonded I have become to her, perhaps I would have thought twice about therapy. In a way, the whole thing seems cruel.

[Melbadaze]

I read something about people having experienced trauma will seek out attachment figures so as to work through past losses. I think the need is greater and thats why we feel our need is to much , when what was to much was our needs going unmet.

[deliquesce]

pdoc and austin-t see me pro bono when i cannot afford it. they understand that i need them and are in a position to help me because they see themselves as healers, who are lucky to be paid for what they do. obviously this situation would be untenable if they did this for every client, but not every client is grappling for $ to pay, and nor does every client need to attach in the way that i do.

it does feel crazy to me at times that i "need" them, (crazy as in outside of my control) but i think it's a necessary part of my healing to learn to need and rely on other people.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by kindergirl

Yes, I have thought about this many many times, and I dont know if I will ever really come to terms with it. As you say, once the money stops, so does the relationship. I think the world of my T, but had i known how bonded I have become to her, perhaps I would have thought twice about therapy. In a way, the whole thing seems cruel.

this is how I feel, too. I have had Ts before but never had a relationship or any attachment to them. I had no idea how bonded I would get to this T. It scares me, the power she has to hurt me. But I think that is true in any relationship. I don't know, it's confusing. I just find my relationship with my T to be very intense and unlike anything I have experienced before.