welcome back! (sorry, long)

Finally saw T last night.
It was ok!!! Better than I could have hoped for.

The first thing she said was Welcome Back!!!! She said she was really glad I came back.
We started by talking about why I came back - my pdoc's encouraging me to and feeling like I made a rash decision to quit.
She asked, where do you want to start?

And I said I would like to talk about what happened at our last session.
I told her everything - about how I felt like she was judging me and the exact things she said that made me feel that way.
About how I felt misunderstood, stupid and embarassed. I was trying to think of the exact words she used because I didn't want to remember things incorrectly, and she reassured me that I didn't have to remember exactly what she said, but how it came across to me and how it made me feel.

Then she said,'I sincerely apologize that you felt that way.
I never want anyone to leave here feeling judged or humilated.'

I couldn't believe she apologized! I didn't know what to say. (Although in the back of my mind I couldn't help but think....she didn't apologize for what she said, but how I FELT about what she said.)

Then she said she is like 'anchovies' - that not everyone likes her and she understands that. She asked why I hadn't told her I felt that way during the session. I reminded her that I did say I felt misunderstood.
She asked me if I felt we could work together and if I wanted to come back. I guess I was kind of ambiguous in my answer. I said that I couldn't start over with someone new, and that she is really good at telling me what I need to do, but I need help figuring out how to do it.
That got us on the topic of self-punishment and self-loathing, versus loving myself and feeling that I am worth taking care of. Maybe she is right about that but I'm not convinced that's the only issue.

She said it took a lot of courage for me to come back, and that felt good.

We started talking about everything that has been going on, and all the things that have made me feel overwhelmed since I last saw her. We problem-solved on ways to take care of myself, ways to try to make things a little less overwhelming. Maybe I'm just a negative person, but it seems like nothing will work and I'm just stuck. The things she said make sense though and I may try some of them, if I can.

I didn't tell her how sometimes I felt like she lectured too much.
I'm not sure why I didn't say anything, but I'm trying not to beat myself up over that.
I can bring it up next time if I need to. I see her again on Monday.

((((((((((((((((darkrunner))))))))))))))))))!!

You are SO brave. I am so glad you went and that she apologized and that you are taking another step towards healing. You deserve to be happy

I love what you wrote above. Because it's completely true and easy to forget. We don't have to be perfect in session. We do our best, we schedule the next session, and we go back and keep working.

to you!

It may be as simple as you innately felt the time wasn't right. You both were coming to an understanding and you covered the biggest points first. If your T starts "lecturing" you, you can always say right then "I feel like I'm being lectured to". It will identify the behaviour right as it happens.

I think it's great that you were able to do what you did!

WOW, darkrunner! That's awesome!!!

It took such courage for you to tell T all of those things!!! WOW!!!!

I am so glad that you took this huge step and are giving it another chance....

Darkrunner
I'm glad you went back and had a good session. I hope that you can bring up her lecturing to her next session if it is still bothering you. Congrats.

darkrunner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so glad you made it back to T and that you were able to coordinate schedules! I think you did an awesome job explaining the way she made you feel, and I am so glad she apologized. Like others have said, I don't think it's a problem that you didn't mention that you felt lectured. I think it's something that you could keep in mind for the moments when you feel it's happening -- can you be on the lookout for it? It will make for a great therapy topic, especially when it happens naturally and you can both look at what just happened.

And, she is so right. It took a whole lot of courage to go back like you did. I think it shows your T that you really are invested in your healing. I know that's what it tells me for sure. That your treatment was important enough that you decided to swallow your pride and wade through all of this with her. I am really impressed.

Some of the things you said in this post -- like the fact that she thinks self-love and self-punishment are the major things underlying how hard it is to actually do the different things, but you don't think that's the whole picture, and the fact that although you problem-solved, the first thing you were thinking is, "This is not going to work, I'm stuck" -- can you bring those things to her? Those are things that will be helpful for T to understand. She needs to understand you if she is going to help you. That means more of an effort on her part to "get" where you are coming from, but it also means work on your part to try your best to explain yourself as fully as you can.

I know you will do the best you can. Please let us know how this week goes, and let us know if some of those strategies you brainstormed worked out.

Thank you all so much!
I typed a long response to everyone this morning and lost it! grrrr...
I haven't had a chance to give it another try until now.

Thank you Treehouse.
You are SO good at seeing 'the middle ground'. You are right, it isn't all or nothing, and I don't have to be perfect. You probably know by now that I'm a big 'black or white' thinker, and it really helps when you remind me of that.

Thank you Snakebit!
I think you are right, I did feel the time wasn't right. But I also think part of that was being afraid of dumping too much on her at once, and wanting to take care of her feelings.

Thanks Mixed Up...
I'm glad I did it too. I hope things will really work with this T, but even if they don't, I'm glad I went back and said how I was feeling, and that I didn't leave things unresolved.

Googley - thanks for your response. I know you are going through a lot right now.......thanks for caring.

Jexa, you are SO right!! I think I need to bring those things to her. I should have said it right there! Why does she do that? - it's like she is telling me why I am struggling so much, and it doesn't ring true for me, but I don't say that to her. Maybe it's because I don't know why I'm struggling so much either, so I figure she must be right.
As you said, Jexa, she does need to understand me to help me. I have to try harder to communicate. I have to do something different. VERY DIFFERENT. I really want to take control of the direction of my therapy now. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do about this.
Jexa - thanks so much for your thoughts. I think you're really good at getting me to think differently about things.

Darkrunner !!!!!!! W O W !!!!!!! This is so amazing to read. I am so proud of you !!!!! You did it!! You pushed past the fear and you made it back to the place of being in safe arms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Way to go !!!!!!!!!

I'm happy for you that you returned and talked about so many important things that matter so much to you! She let you know she cares about how you feel.

I love the 'anchovies' metaphor! She sounds like she has a lot of self-knowledge and confidence.

I love how she understood how really hard it was for you to go back. I agree, it takes a lot of courage... and self-caring and self-rewarding

I'm so SO glad you went back, darkrunner. I know that must have been hard, I can't imagine doing it. I would be too scared, I think, or even if I did go to the session I would be too anxious to talk. You are amazing!

Wow, thanks for saying that darkrunner! That really makes me feel good.

I think your T sounds like she doesn't always check if her theories resonate with you, and she starts to go on tangents while you are sitting there feeling misunderstood. These kinds of disconnections totally suck, and T needs to know when this is happening somehow. I guess the only way for her to know is for you to tell her. So it sounds like for you to work well with this T, you will need to let her know something like, "Sometimes you have good explanations for why I might do things, but other times when things don't resonate I have a really hard time speaking up and saying, that doesn't totally fit with me. If I try to make an effort to speak up more, will you try to check with me to make sure your explanation is resonating with me?"

Could you write out the ways you could make therapy with her better? Is there another way to communicate the ways you'd like therapy to be different this time?

((((darkrunner)))))

((((((((((((((darkrunner))))))))))))))))

I'm in this place with my 12-step program...realizing that I have to do something different if I am ever really going to reach a place of peace and serenity. My healing is finally important enough to me for me to move THROUGH the fear and just be totally, completely honest about everything, especially all of the thoughts I have that seem silly and unimportant. I reached a point in therapy, and now in my program, where I've realized that I have nothing to lose. I'm already scared, I've already been hurt, I already don't trust...and shutting myself down and not speaking my truth keeps me in that place.

I think that when I started being COMPLETELY honest with T about everything, including my feelings about him and about therapy, it was a big turning point for me. I needed to believe that he wasn't going to kick me out for being honest...and I needed to check in with him about that over and over and over and over again. And once I understood that he was going to stick with me no matter what, I just took a deep breath and did it. Over and over and over again.

You are being SO brave. You're doing it

(((((((WePow)))))) That means a lot to me. I feel like a therapy 'infant' compared to you and so many of the others here. I so admire YOUR courage and drive. I feel like I am still in the inital stage of therapy (after 2 years!!!) and that can be frustrating sometimes. I try to remember that everyone has a unique journey. Anyway, Thank you.

Echoes, you are right about her. She does have a lot of self-knowledge and self-confidence. And she is a very strong personality. That makes it hard for me sometimes, because I am the type of person who tends to be give in to strong personalities. Maybe this means she is a good T for me to work with, because I can practice being assertive with her because, in theory, it is a safe place to try new things (not quite sure of that yet, but trying to believe it )
She did let me know she cares about how I feel. Thanks for saying that. I am really trying to focus on the good things about her - and I'm glad everyone's comments here are helping me do that. No T can be perfect (right? right.), and maybe I can learn a lot of things by working with her 'imperfections', so maybe her faults are actually good for me and my therapy.

Zooropa!! You absolutely could have done it! You DID do it with your T, when you went in with your list and told her everything you are going through. In fact, your courage and perseverance helped ME to be brave.


Jexa - it sounds like you understand what is going on in my therapy perfectly. You are totally absolutely correct. I like your suggestion about how to let her know her explanations may not be correct.
I should spend some time thinking about how to make therapy better. I think I am opposite of so many here, in that I really don't think about therapy much during the time in between sessions. It is hard for me to think about so I tend to block it out (I'm sure using e.d. behaviors helps with that). So I am setting a goal for this weekend, to write about how to make therapy. To write down some goals of what I would like in therapy. To write about how I'd like therapy to be different. LIke I said before, I need to do something very different to make this work, and this is a good place to start. I need to start working hard and stop feeling sorry for myself, so I can stop being a victim and start being a survivor.

Oops - sorry for rambling on.....sort of giving myself a pep talk.
I'm not sure I CAN do any of this, but I am going to try.
Thanks for your suggestions, Jexa. You can see they have created a small spark in me - hopefully I can find a way to fan the flame.

Awwww, Treehouse.
We were posting at the same time!

This realization is SO IMPORTANT!!!!!
It is the first step, at least, right? Without realizing the need to change, nothing will be able to change.
It really makes me so happy to hear you say your healing is finally important enough to move through the fear, because this tells me you are beginning to realize you are WORTH IT.
I'm just beginning to realize how much my past experiences have prevented me from trusting. Maybe that seems obvious, but having been hurt by someone I trusted, I just assumed I could go into therapy and trust that the T would be helping me. But I think I am afraid to trust T and maybe this is one reason I am so resistant to working with her. Like you said, shutting myself down. But I didn't really even realize I was doing that. Thanks for saying that..... I don't want to stay in this place so I need to focus on feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

You are right - I have to be completely honest. I can't avoid the problems in my relationship with T and expect to make any progress with my own issues. It's funny, because for so long I've been reading about other people's relationships with Ts, and ruptures, and struggles to trust and all that goes along with that, but for some reason I never applied all of that to my own situation. I guess it is all hitting home right now and I have a lot of thinking to do about it.

YES! I just had a conversation w/my T about this exact thing. I said to her what I had posted somewhere here, that I had realization that the mistakes, the ruptures, they aren't all MY fault. And she totally agreed with that, she said "no, they definitely aren't your fault!". I told her that I can see how the therapeutic relationship, working through interpersonal stuff with her, is part of the therapy. It was the first time we've ever really talked about our relationship. It was scary for me to be so honest, but it was good.

Anyway, I'm just agreeing with you darkrunner, that there is a way in which the fact that our Ts are human and bound to make mistakes is actually good for us, as much as it hurts in the moment. Realizing that it's not just me being me that messes every relationship up is HUGE for me.