I think I'm ready to share what's happening with me this week...

I've been working with T for 2 years on childhood trauma stuff. Just last week, I decided to cut contact with my mother who was mentally ill and abusive much of my childhood...it was a tough decision, because my mother is stable now, and I have a lot of compassion for her, but I did it--I told her I needed space and no contact for a while--and I felt instantly relieved, liberated, safe...all good stuff.

THIS week, however, I started to feel really agitated and during my session with T, I felt like she was really distant and I really resisted everything she was saying....until the very end when she made a statement that was incredibly powerful and true (she said I no longer have to take care of my mother's needs, and so it's like I just lost my job. A job I've had for 30+ years). It was time to go and I just started sobbing....which I have never done in T before.

It made for a really awkward, painful departure. My T just sat there and waited for me to stop crying...I hid my face in my hands for a while, and then I gathered my things and she gave me a hug and asked if I was okay to drive, and I left.

Since then, I've been a wreck. I emailed T and got some reassurance, and I'm going to see her for a quick session tomorrow just to check in, but I'm not even sure what to say at this point. T says I'm grieving, and she says it's totally understandable and normal. But it doesn't feel okay to me. I feel like 30 years of pain is hitting me all at once and I'm going to drown in it.

There are so many levels to my grief right now....grieving over the childhood stuff, grieving over the fact that I lived with this hypervigilence for so so long, grieving over the fact that my T (who is a mother figure in many ways) can't rescue me from all this grief.

....grieving over the fact that I never really had and never will have a mother.

[3velniai]

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by griffinp

There are so many levels to my grief right now....grieving over the childhood stuff, grieving over the fact that I lived with this hypervigilence for so so long, grieving over the fact that my T (who is a mother figure in many ways) can't rescue me from all this grief.

(((((griffinp))))) Grief is so hard, and yes, you're right, your T cannot rescue you from it. But she can sit with you while you feel it, express it, and process it. Maybe there is no better role for a T. You were able to cry with her, and let some of it out. There will be more times too. Every time you cry or grieve, you will be closer to being "through" this, and when you are through, it will be freeing, and good not to feel all the pain is inside and you are endlessly holding it in, even when you don't know you are.

I hope you can keep close with your T for however long it takes to grieve and process. I had a situation where I was grieving a long relationship too and, it took about 2 years--but not a constant grieving. It gets very slowly easier. I would think I was over it, and then weeks or months later, more grief would come up. It was frustrating for me and I remember saying and thinking, "I should be over this by now." But the grief comes out on its own timetable. Keep going--you are doing great. If you ever decide to resume contact with your mother in the future, it will be easier if you have moved through all of this and let the sadness out.

...I should add another layer of grief to the list....I'm moving in a few months, so I have to grieve losing my T, too. Though she has said we will keep in touch for as long as I want her in my life....I'm grieving the loss of face-to-face contact and support.

[WePow]

(((((((( griffinp )))))))) That is so rough to have to go through the grief in that way. We understand as we had to grieve the acknowledgement that our father played such a huge role in the abuse. I was always a "daddy's girl" ... so when T had me confront the truth and magnitude of what my dad did to me... well it was emotionally equal to me having been told my dad was killed in a wreck. And it hurt and still hurts a whole lot. My T also told me that I just had to process through the emotions. Sending you tons and tons of hugs as this really is the loss of your mom. I am so sorry.

[purple_fins]

I'm sorry you are so sad.

Acknowledging and then grieving something that one always wanted/needed and deserved but is likely will never have, is a step forward in the process. It's a VERY rough step ....but a step.

When it first occurred to me that the mother wasn't ever going to be "a mother"- I was alone and I curled up on the couch and cried and cried-- loud sobs(so not like me-- stoic- nonemotional). It was the loss of a life long dream and wish

Not sure if you care for any advice at this time.....
just in case it's OK....

It may help to gradually give yourself the things you needed-- like understanding, compassion and nurturing. Look towards others to help fill in the little cracks that you can't totally fill on your own.(i haven't done this very much yet) but keep in mind, it's not good to depend on someone to fill up the big canyons..... since we are adults, it is for us to do a large part of it for ourselves, mostly. and- Like WePow said-- process through the emotions.
and above all -- love and care for yourself like you are your own daughter.

thinking of you

fins

[jexa]

Oh ((((griffin))))) I don't have any words of wisdom except let yourself have this grief, okay? It is yours. You are allowed to feel it.

Meeting with T soon....I don't know what to say to her. There are moments I feel absolutely fine, and then another wave hits me and I'm a mess.

I asked for her time today and I don't know what I need...

I need a mom, and she can't be that.

[WePow]

Griffin - go in there with an open soul and open heart. Just let it all come out of you even if it makes no sense at all. Don't try to think of what to feel or not feel or say or do. Just go in and BE. If that BEing is pain - then be the pain. If it is joy - be the joy. It it is all sorts of things all at once, be all of it!!! The less you think about it as you are there, the more you can BE it while you are there. And when we do that, T can SEE what is your truth. My suggestion for these hard times is to close your eyes if you need to do so and pretend T is not even in the room !!! Just talk aloud as if you were by yourself and going over the pain or whatever is going on inside and say it and show it in your body and feel it. And allow the session to unfold naturally like a rose.

((by the way - I wrote that for you - but I am going to have to go do the exact same thing in a few hours with my T --- YIKES! ))))

Originally Posted by WePow

Griffin - go in there with an open soul and open heart. Just let it all come out of you even if it makes no sense at all. Don't try to think of what to feel or not feel or say or do. Just go in and BE. If that BEing is pain - then be the pain. If it is joy - be the joy. It it is all sorts of things all at once, be all of it!!! The less you think about it as you are there, the more you can BE it while you are there. And when we do that, T can SEE what is your truth. My suggestion for these hard times is to close your eyes if you need to do so and pretend T is not even in the room !!! Just talk aloud as if you were by yourself and going over the pain or whatever is going on inside and say it and show it in your body and feel it. And allow the session to unfold naturally like a rose.

((by the way - I wrote that for you - but I am going to have to go do the exact same thing in a few hours with my T --- YIKES! ))))

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I did exactly this...I just walked in and the first thing I said was "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know." As in, "I don't know what to do or say here."

T said she had no idea anything was coming up for me last session until I started crying at the end. She thought we were just having an intellectual conversation about my mother, which we often do...

I told her what I wrote above...about not having a job anymore and how there's nothing left to do at this point but feel all the pain...and I'm resisting that. And without the fear and vigilence, there are no other defenses to resist it anymore. I feel safe, and I have space, and so it's here.

I was SO SO not composed, which is new for me. I just fidgeted for a while, and sank back on her couch and hid my face and then the tears came...and it felt totally painful, but safe and okay. It was messy and hard, but I felt like T was holding me with her voice...Eventually I was able to look at her face and saw so much caring there. I told her "I just want a mom" and she said she knew that and I deserved that.

Ugh. I feel so relieved and so sad and so exhausted.

[zooropa]

And without the fear and vigilence, there are no other defenses to resist it anymore. I feel safe, and I have space, and so it's here

oh wow That really, really struck me. I didn't know anyone else went through that, I didn't know that's how it worked. I wondered why, when I finally got away and on my own and felt safe for the 1st time ever, why did all this bad stuff come up THEN? I've been being angry about it, feeling like I was just starting to feel better and then the bad things started coming up. I never thought about the reason, the timing. It makes sense when you put it like that, though. Thank you for that insight, griffin!

[WePow]

(((((((( Griffin )))))))))

You did what you had to do to show T the pain inside - bravo!!!!
That is one of the hardest things to do in therapy IMO.
We tend to want to converse with T the same way we converse with a friend or associate. We tend to filter our communication - our body language and our words.
It is only after we feel safe enough to stop filtering how we say things that we can actually say what we NEED to say.

Sometimes it is so frieghtening to show T the truth of who we are.
I am really proud of YOU for being able to be so brave and do that for yourself.
I suspect that this step for you is going to mark a big change for the positive in how your therapy will go :-) Again - Bravo!!

Thank you so much for the supportive replies. Seriously. Thank you.

I wanted to add something my T said, because I think it applies to many of us at one time or another.

She told me to be careful not to abuse myself right now...she said that what often happens for survivors, once they get away from their abusers is that they feel lost and will abuse themselves because it's familiar. Whatever form that takes (for me, I verbally abuse myself with negative self-talk).

So, instead, I'm trying to nurture myself the way I deserved to be nurtured growing up. It's much harder to do, but feels so much better once I do it.

[WePow]

Griffin - thank you for sharing that insight from your T. I will apply that to myself today :-)

[mixedup_emotions]

((((Griffin))))

Thank you for sharing your experience and your T's insight....so powerful. And scary for me, because I am still living with the inner turmoil of not facing it...."it" meaning many, many things - including my parents being physically abusive, the CSA, etc.

I am too scared...and here you are, facing it...and the pain feels overwhelming....

I'm glad you are taking your T's insight to heart....wise words to nurture yourself and be kind to yourself....

[sun_flower]

Originally Posted by griffinp

I think I'm ready to share what's happening with me this week...

I've been working with T for 2 years on childhood trauma stuff. Just last week, I decided to cut contact with my mother who was mentally ill and abusive much of my childhood...it was a tough decision, because my mother is stable now, and I have a lot of compassion for her, but I did it--I told her I needed space and no contact for a while--and I felt instantly relieved, liberated, safe...all good stuff.

THIS week, however, I started to feel really agitated and during my session with T, I felt like she was really distant and I really resisted everything she was saying....until the very end when she made a statement that was incredibly powerful and true (she said I no longer have to take care of my mother's needs, and so it's like I just lost my job. A job I've had for 30+ years). It was time to go and I just started sobbing....which I have never done in T before.

It made for a really awkward, painful departure. My T just sat there and waited for me to stop crying...I hid my face in my hands for a while, and then I gathered my things and she gave me a hug and asked if I was okay to drive, and I left.

Since then, I've been a wreck. I emailed T and got some reassurance, and I'm going to see her for a quick session tomorrow just to check in, but I'm not even sure what to say at this point. T says I'm grieving, and she says it's totally understandable and normal. But it doesn't feel okay to me. I feel like 30 years of pain is hitting me all at once and I'm going to drown in it.

There are so many levels to my grief right now....grieving over the childhood stuff, grieving over the fact that I lived with this hypervigilence for so so long, grieving over the fact that my T (who is a mother figure in many ways) can't rescue me from all this grief.

I hope you can sort through things and feel better.