[Melbadaze]

I think I will have a thread all to myself where misinterpretation of my words cannot happen.

I awoke this morning feeling light. I felt as if something was missing, not like the mask that I normally wear, but its as if I was me and was ok being me. I got up and made myself go out so as not to end up stuck in the armchair thinking depressive thoughts.

As I was about to leave my car was blocked in my a van driver who was on his phone sorting out some private business. I could feel myself getting outraged he became a blob, enemy, someone that had more power than I (child/parent). I stood their and my usual thoughts of wanting to gain mastery over the "parent", but part of me was fearful of what he could do If I attack, and I automatically used pleasantry whe he'd finished his business in asking him to move. Than I felt cowardice, self revulsion that I had not attacked him, been aggressive toward him but a new thought entered, it was ok to feel that way, to not want confrontation, it was ok to be weary of another. This is new to me, I have spent my life having to prove that I am no afraid, I was never allowed to be afraid growing up, no you cant have the light on, go to sleep dont be stupid. The shame I felt as a small child at wanting to have a light on and displeasing my parents for not being how they wanted me to be, big and strong. So today was the first day this new part stepped in, yes its ok to be afraid. The man apologized anyways and moved his van and I smiled and drove away and felt suddenly as if I was allowing myself to be vulnerable, to feel fear and to comfort it and not try to rub it out!

As I walked around the shops I kept thinking about T, missing her, wanting to just email her and say "hi I miss you today". Its nice on days like this when I can think of T and not beat myself up for it, just like I could be fearful of the unknown today and allow it. I thought you had to prove you had no fears to finally "arrive", oh how wrong.

[BlueMoon6]

oh, Melba. This was so soft and beautiful. Isnt is a relief to finally have the freedom to be ourselves. Afraid, hurt, sad and yet its all okay? That you can be pleasant to other people and still not be happy with what they did? It is such I differeent place, I have found, to be able to be nice to people and still have our feelings without having to prove anything. We know how we feel and its enough- its enough to be who we are today.

Thanks for sharing that-

[Sannah]

Wow, look what awareness gets you! Good work...........

[MissCharlotte]

Lovely self affirmation. I aspire.

[rainbow8]

Melba, that was beautiful. Thank you very much for sharing your experience and your new feelings. Sounds like you've come a long way!

[Melbadaze]

Told T how I wanted just walk away from session today. T asked why and I said because I hate how uncomfortable sitting there makes me feel. T said, but you also want "this". As soon as she said that the rage woke up, I was kicking my foot and biting my lip and struggling to hold back tears. T said tell me whats happening? have I misunderstood you? I couldnt answer, all I got was flashback to my birthday as a child and wanting a birthday cake and asking my adoptive mother if I could go and order one and the shame I felt at wanting that cake, and knowing that it was only me wanting it, there was no feelings about my birthday coming from my adoptive mother and I went to the bakery and ordered the cake and was ashamed that the lady in the bakers was thinking bad of me because I was wanting a cake and how I wish I could just stop wanting things.

At the start of session T had given me the Easter holiday dates and said as Good Friday is one of my days I could come on Wednesday, but I'd already thought she'd offer that but know I need my haircut and wanted to tell my husband that I was only having to pay for one session that week and could put the rest of the money toward getting my haircut. Not that I think he needs explainations for what I need, its just me I feel so bad that I need things.

T said that wanting a cake and wanting a haircut are normal things to want. I said how I felt she had said that I wanted to be there today but she didnt want me there, T said, yes thats what you heard, but thats not my feelings.

Now I'm home I feel this hunger, this great me feeling of wanting love so bad but it hurts to want it, its to big to want. Just thinking about wanting to be with T hurts!! I want to explode from the inside out!

I said to T as I left that I wished I'd not come today, T said but these things would be there anyways, I feel I left session today wanting closesness so much but not asking for it or allowing myself to have it and now it hurts! It hurts to want! it shouldn't but it does.

[Sannah]

Melba, your mom must have really shamed you when you wanted things? Only her wants were important? She had to stomp out your wants? Shame on her!

THis is really good work that you are doing on what you need and want, very good..........

[Melbadaze]

T saying that I "wanted" to be there friday, even though I was complaining how uncomfortable I felt and how I wanted to "walk" away keeps going over and over in my mind.

T said something about how I can't hold 2 aspects of a personality together. I cant hold feeling uncomfortable with something and yet still wanting to be there, she somethign about it appears to challenge the very core of who I am. All I know is I feel rage, I want to hit T so hard, I'm afraid I will loose it on Monday and run at her and beat her, unyet also with that Is a feeling of wanting to also run at her and fall into her arms, yes 2 feelings colliding with each other!

Perhaps my survival as a child was to not want, thats how my adoptive mother described me, as a baby that didnt cry, didnt need, and was just left alone for hours in a cot, not wanting, not crying, no fears, or perhaps there were, but to survive I have cut that part of myself away and the thought of having to allow those parts of me back?? My whole being is rocked, I want to run, fight, scream! how dare T look into my eyes and tell me she sees me wanting! I can't bear it. I am afraid to go tomorrow, afraid of somethign I cant name! afraid of a defence being taken away! I must protect myself at all costs!

[Sannah]

I can see your struggle I think Melba............

[Melbadaze]

feel like i've been going in and out of flashback all wkend. Put an elastic band on my wrist today to be in control of the feelings...arrived at T, could feel the battle inside..the wanting to not want therapy, not want T but knowing I do..finally found The words...in a state told t how she shouldn't have looked into my Soul and see my wants...now you've taken my defence away..T said it feels dangerous to want...So much more said and done...T first time ever offered me to stay at the end of session..i said no and apologised and left...

[WePow]

Melba - you really are doing some very powerful and awesome work. This is just so amazing. You are being so honest with yourself and T. And this really is hitting you at the foundation level. Also, it hurts me inside to see you in this pain because I also understand it - just what you describe. Even though I can never know your pain. I just know how much it does hurt to need and want and then have someone see that need or want and then they know. ((((( melba )))))

Keep on being honest with what you are feeling. There is a deep core truth to the fact that we do need others in life. It is such a fundamental part of being alive that even many creation stories of different cultures insinuate that a creator was so alone and in need of companionship that all of this was created to fill that void.

It is a part of life to be born with needs of companionship, love, and protection. And the child who is not given those things at an early state is harmed more than many people can ever imagine. The wounds are so deep. And it makes sense that a life who is hurt in this way would develop mental shields and emotional shields to protect themselves from hurting when those needs are not met.

In my situation, I call it the Fox and the Grapes based on the old story about the fox who could not get the grapes, so the fox decided he did not want the sour old grapes anyway! When I feel like I am not getting the love I need, my desire turns into wrath and I spend a lot of time trying to tell myself that I did not want that love anyway. And I spend a lot of time hurting because I hate myself for wanting what I can not have. It is a very viscious cycle of pain.

I think that you being honest about what is going on inside is going to help you process this. Very big hugs to you!!!!

[Melbadaze]

please dont think i'm being rude if i don't respond to comments here...i am just about knowing how to make sense of how to put one foot in front of other...x

[billieJ]

You absolutely CAN be fearful, and kindly, and polite, and you will find that people cooperate even better than when you get angry. Maybe not quite so promptly, but more nicely. And everybody goes away with a smile. Congratulations on your new feelings. billieJ

[Melbadaze]

Today I keep thinking about T's offer for me to stay on after session, her reluctance to stand up, her gentleness in action as I left.

I know I was asking T what was happening, and she said I was showing her what it was like, I wonder at times what benefit is in this whole thing and at the time It just feels so real when its happening, but I guess there must be such a great level of trust for my ego states to show the past to her. Today I feel I want to email her, connect with her, connect with that gentleness she showed as I was in the midst of some painful memorys. I keep thinking to myself, but it wasn't that bad, but parts of me must have experienced things that went wrong as awful, to be this traumatised. Sometimes I've said to T I feel this is all a big lie, but T says you can't make up the things that I show her in therapy, but still its hard to imagine. But then thats the human mind for you. Each time I reach another level of my own pain and see how what went wrong effects us, I see it out there in the world around me, I hear in work collegues, and I sit and feel so grateful that I am in therapy, have insight into myself and am not just living out my life script. I cant believe some people die having stuck to their scripts, never wanting to explore, change. Before therapy, during my active alcoholism, I was mad, crazy, now at work I sit calmly amidst the insanity as much as this work is painful its rewarding. I wouldnt want to go back to the person I was. Theres a poem about life being the dash between 2 dates on our tombstone, I think theres more than a dash to my life now, theres life.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

......... painful memorys. I keep thinking to myself, but it wasn't that bad, but parts of me must have experienced things that went wrong as awful, to be this traumatised. Sometimes I've said to T I feel this is all a big lie, but T says you can't make up the things that I show her in therapy, but still its hard to imagine. But then thats the human mind for you. Each time I reach another level of my own pain and see how what went wrong effects us, I see it out there in the world around me, I hear in work collegues, and I sit and feel so grateful that I am in therapy, have insight into myself and am not just living out my life script. I cant believe some people die having stuck to their scripts, never wanting to explore, change. Before therapy, during my active alcoholism, I was mad, crazy, now at work I sit calmly amidst the insanity as much as this work is painful its rewarding. I wouldnt want to go back to the person I was. Theres a poem about life being the dash between 2 dates on our tombstone, I think theres more than a dash to my life now, theres life.

Melba I could've written every word of this. thank you!
"Sit calmly amidst the insanity" - sounds the Desiderata doesn't it? I think that's a good sign.

[Melbadaze]

Felt a bit silly walking into therapy today after fridays intense session. I talked about how her saying about me wanting to be there feels dangerous to even talk about again. But you know therapy, we did. T said sorry about saying and I said its not you, I know, it felt like an accusation. T said, yes wanting for you takes you back to a time when you were ONLY humiliated for your wants and had to hide your feelings.

I got a bit teary again and wandered of mentally and I kept getting this image of a child in a concentration camp and T asked where i'd gone and I told her this and said you know, where all humanity is wiped out and only basic survival exists, T said, Yes I get that picture with you a lot.

Afterwards I kept flashing back to that image and Knew that little girl left in that room was me and was waiting for me to feel her pain for her to release her.

We talked some more and I said I think I am slowly coming back down to reality again, I can't believe I felt that as an accusation. But thats just how trauma work goes. also it helps me piece the pieces back together again and learn more about that little girl alone and helpless in a deserted place. I did say to T when I told her about the image that when she shows kindness it makes it harder for me, T said yes because you have to feel.

[peaches100]

Melbadaze,

You are doing such deep and painful and beautiful work. And it is poignant and makes me sad. I just don't think most parents realize how deeply their actions (or inactions) affect their children, how they become a part of their child's being. The hurts get embedded and keep causing pain through the years as an adult. The child that was hurt or traumatized gets frozen in time and lives on in the adult. Trying to dig out the core trauma and heal that pain and grief inside is so hard. But you are doing it.

[Melbadaze]

Each time I have one of my "episodes" in therapy, it always brings me on the other side of something. At the time it just feels very oppressive and urgent and no understanding attached to it. But gradually since friday the fear that I live with has words to it, I can say this fear is about and all the little things that have bothered me too in life are connected to this, the fear of humiliation, when T said about my wanting was always met with humiliation was the meaning to the "episode" and its been brought to consiousness and now I can manage it because I can see it, I mean really see it and understand it. Even using facebook has caused me suffering but couldnt quite get to grips with what it was that bothered me about it, I mean I so wanted to just be silly and "play" on there, but each time I wrote something or did something I would then begin to pace and want to go back and erase it, I see now its because my template is off having someone there humiliating me, mocking me and now I see this I can talk to that part of me. I can use the adult part of me to resolve this child fear, I mean gawd if someone was going to do that to me then would I really want to know them? unyet I was holding people up as gods and their word was my sentence, because I couldnt see where this was coming from. I want to be silly sometimes and just write mindless silly stuff, I;m ok! finally!