[looking4polaris]

In a recent thread about whether or not Ts care about our appearances, this response was given...

I've had clients dress "down" that I absolutely adore. And clients that dress "up" that I tend to dislike.

It got me wondering... Does T like me? How important is it to you to be liked by your T? Could you work with a T who didn't like you? Do you think you could be helped by someone who didn't like you? Do you think you could tell if your T didn't like you? Is it something you worry about?

As for me, I hope T likes me. I do think it is possible to be helped by someone regardless of how much they like or dislike you if that T is very good at his/her job.

pardon my random, late-night musings...

[Melbadaze]

I know my T dismisses "Likes or dislikes", its about respecting someone. They may be somethings we do or say that they dislike, but a mature adult can seperate the act from the person.

[sittingatwatersedge]

>> How important is it to you to be liked by your T?
It varies - depending on whether the transference today is positive or negative.

>> Could you work with a T who didn't like you?
no I don't think I could.

>> Do you think you could be helped by someone who didn't like you?
No, not really. I would always feel judged, and I wouldn't be able to open up to someone who was judgmental. I have enough of those IRL...

>> Do you think you could tell if your T didn't like you?
Yep.

>> Is it something you worry about?
Not right now! My "worry list" is already booked up, LOL

>>> I do think it is possible to be helped by someone regardless of how much they like or dislike you if that T is very good at his/her job.
Do you? I question whether a T would agree to take on a client for whom they sensed an actual dislike; and certainly not regardless of how much. Just my $0.02

I've never really thought about it. I am able to work with lots of people that I respect but don't necessarily like, but a therapy relationship is different I think. I guess I would not be able to work with someone who didn't like me in a therapy setting. I've never come into that experience. I'm just a loveable gal!

[WePow]

I don't worry about it because I feel T does like me in his T way.
If I felt any dislike from him, I am sure with my PTSD hypersensitivity that I would have ran far away by now. It makes me just too sensitive to any response from people.

[peaches100]

How important is it to you to be liked by your T?

Very important. I couldn't work with a t if i knew they didn't like me. I would not be able to open up to them and would not feel accepted. I don't think we'd get anywhere.

Could you work with a T who didn't like you?

No. I believe there are some people who could do that, but not me.

Do you think you could be helped by someone who didn't like you?

Maybe with other issues, like if my MD or dermatologist didn't like me. But in therapy, I think genuine acceptance and liking are important factors.

Do you think you could tell if your T didn't like you?

I think i would know because i tend to be very intuitive. So I'd say yes, unless they were very, very good at pretending.

Is it something you worry about?

Sometimes but my t acts as though she likes me and has said many times she cares about me. So when i become afraid that she doesn't like me, it's usually my own insecurity talking.

[brickbat]

I couldn't work with T if I thought he didn't like me. I know that he does because we've talked about it ad nauseum, precisely because it's so important to me. But to be honest at this point his affection and caring are clear to me. He doesn't have to tell me that he likes me anymore. I can just feel it.

Early in therapy, during one of our conversations about this issue, T told me that when he doesn't feel a connection with a patient after a certain amount of time, he finds a graceful way of suggesting they seek therapy elsewhere. Sometimes he even knows immediately, after a session or two. I don't think that he meant he had to be crazy about everyone he works with, but that he has to feel there's a certain mutual readiness to do the work, and a certain mutual fondness and respect.

[rainbow8]

Yes, I need my T to like me. I have problems with feeling rejected by people and not being liked, so if I felt my T didn't like me, I think it would interfere with my therapy. I already feel that Kt likes me. I would be able to tell if she didn't.

I think Ts try to find something they like in every client, though there are probably traits they don't like. Just like in RL, we don't like everything about our spouses or our friends. But, if a T had a very negative opinion about a client, I think and hope that in the client's best interests, he would refer him to someone else. But that would have to be done carefully, wouldn't it? Imagine hearing T say "I don't like you so you need to see someone else?!" I wonder how they could say it so it wouldn't be devastating. It would hurt me no matter how T said it. It hurt me when a prospective T told me "I can't help you." on the phone!!

[granite1]

at this poin im not sure weather my T likes me or not i dont feel like she does but i always question my reality on these things.lets face it im probibly not her most fav client to deal with im sure she gets board just sitting with me but i do have hopes for the future.

[kitten16]

My T doesn't like me, which is why I'm in the final stages (it's a process!) of terminating. I'm going to see him one more time and try to salvage the relationship, but I don't know if I can.

My T seems intimidated by me, and has behaved as if he needs to take me down a peg. He seems incapable of identifying with me or taking my side in anything, and accuses me of hypersensitivity. (No $hit. Aren't people who are damaged enough to seek out therapy a little more sensitive than average? Both initially and as a result of what we've been through? I mean, duh!) He also tells me I'm judgmental, that I should give my abusers more of a break. His attitude is just breathtakingly inappropriate to me.

My T tends to defend people in my life who treat me poorly, and has often said to me: "I don't believe you," "I don't buy it," and "Are you lying to me?" It's like he looks at me and thinks that EVERYTHING about me is a lie. His lack of trust in me, as you might imagine, is a huge problem for us. This is particularly baffling and upsetting to me, since I'm very verbal and open and have made it relatively easy for him to get to know me. I've told him everything. He knows more than my husband does about nearly every aspect of my life. How dare he accuse me of lying.

I just don't get it. I've wondered if he disapproves of me because my outsides look pretty good. But I'm hurting inside. You'd think a therapist, of all people, would be able to look deeper.

I've often wondered if I don't look sufficiently distraught or something in session. Like, should I come into therapy with no makeup and crappy clothes? Would he feel compassion for me if I looked like a homeless person?

I've confronted him with a lot of this stuff. He retreats and denies everything, and then of course we can't work on it. If he can't get past it, I'm leaving.

Yes, I need t to like me or at least believe he does!
At one point in therapy after a rupture that we were working on repairing, it was very hard to go back to therapy each time, not knowing what would happen and at one point, told myself over and over "it doesn't matter if he hates you, you just need his technical expertise" that session he commented on how much more I had talked.
For the first time I wasn't censoring myself because I really didn't give a s#@& what he thought about me... couldn't do therapy like that for very long though..

[Perna]

I don't think one could know if a T liked/disliked one unless they asked/the T told and I don't see that happening. If it "feels" like the T dislikes one, then the person isn't going to stick around? I doubt seriously that a T is going to keep a client they don't like because it's too hard to work effectively at jobs we don't like and they're not getting anything out of it. If one is worried the T may/may not like one, that's a whole different problem.

[Amazonmom]

It is extremely important to me to be liked by my T. I need a safe place to do the therapy work, if I knew my T generally disliked me I wouldn't feel safe.

Nope, wouldn't be able to work with a T that disliked me. I would dislike them because of it and then it would be an untherapeutic mess. Also on my rare manic occasions I can be quite rude to people who dislike me and I wouldn't want to behave like that.

I don't believe the help given by a T that dislikes their client is as good as a T with a neutral or positive attitude towards their client. The dislike gets in the way even if we try to hold it back.

I probably am over sensitive to dislike, but yes I do think I can tell.

I worry about this much less over time. A year ago I always thought about it, now I rarely do. I have learned that if I want to know what T thinks about me or my T work, I can just ask instead of worry.

If the T is remarkably good maybe they can do supervision or their own therapy to get over the baggage they bring into the work. If they can't hold a neutral feeling for the client I think they should either not take the client on or refer the client.

I will say that I have had a horrible therapy experience in college with a T who was famous for showing his disdain for the students. I think he was extremely burned out and believed Ivy Leaguers couldn't possibly have any real problems. Anybody who had been forced to see him by the campus mental health clinic called themselves "Survivor of (T's name here)". The experience completely turned me off to therapy for the next 12 years.

[googley]

I could not work with a T that disliked me. Or I felt disliked me. I would never be able to trust them and hence never be able to open up with the stuff I need to work on.

[Chronic]

Very important T likes me, otherwise I could never relax or begin to trust him. I said to T at the beginning of therapy that I was having thoughts that he didnt like me. He said that for him to dislike a person is a strong emotion, rather, there are people he thinks he can work with, and people he thinks would be better suited to another T where he thinks their personalities wont match.

Originally Posted by kitten16

My T doesn't like me, which is why I'm in the final stages (it's a process!) of terminating. I'm going to see him one more time and try to salvage the relationship, but I don't know if I can.

My T seems intimidated by me, and has behaved as if he needs to take me down a peg. He seems incapable of identifying with me or taking my side in anything, and accuses me of hypersensitivity. (No $hit. Aren't people who are damaged enough to seek out therapy a little more sensitive than average? Both initially and as a result of what we've been through? I mean, duh!) He also tells me I'm judgmental, that I should give my abusers more of a break. His attitude is just breathtakingly inappropriate to me.

My T tends to defend people in my life who treat me poorly, and has often said to me: "I don't believe you," "I don't buy it," and "Are you lying to me?" It's like he looks at me and thinks that EVERYTHING about me is a lie. His lack of trust in me, as you might imagine, is a huge problem for us. This is particularly baffling and upsetting to me, since I'm very verbal and open and have made it relatively easy for him to get to know me. I've told him everything. He knows more than my husband does about nearly every aspect of my life. How dare he accuse me of lying.

I just don't get it. I've wondered if he disapproves of me because my outsides look pretty good. But I'm hurting inside. You'd think a therapist, of all people, would be able to look deeper.

I've often wondered if I don't look sufficiently distraught or something in session. Like, should I come into therapy with no makeup and crappy clothes? Would he feel compassion for me if I looked like a homeless person?

I've confronted him with a lot of this stuff. He retreats and denies everything, and then of course we can't work on it. If he can't get past it, I'm leaving.

Tbh, I wouldn't waste another session on him. He clearly isn't a good fit! You deserve a better T than that kitten.

Do you need your T to like you?

Yes. Or at the very least, to be able to hide their dislike/apathy towards me well enough for me not to suspect. I am highly sensitive to any hint of rejection, and would not be able to keep opening up, and would terminate. Left my last T because she was fed up of me cos I wasn't improving . I gave her a few months, but all I could concentrate on was the frustration oozing out of her. I don't need to make an appt to see someone who doesn't like me - I can do that anytime in my day-to-day like!!

*Willow*

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by looking4polaris

Does T like me? How important is it to you to be liked by your T? Could you work with a T who didn't like you? Do you think you could be helped by someone who didn't like you? Do you think you could tell if your T didn't like you? Is it something you worry about?

good thread, polaris!

it's incredibly important for austin-t/pdoc to like me. not just like me, but be genuinely happy to see me. i crave this from everyone though. i need people to like me, even sales assistants. it makes me feel good.

i think it's possible to work with a T who doesn't like me, but i don't think i'd be able to do the hard work i know i still need to do. old-T didn't like me, not in the way that i want. it's not that he disliked me, just that i was a bit of an "eh" client to him. he respected me, for sure, but i think he would've had other clients he genuinely liked, whereas i was probably just his thursday, 1pm slot. he helped to a certain extent, but i always felt that distance (that comes from any business relationship, i guess - i wouldn't be worried if he was a bank manager, for example) so i didn't really open up because i didn't feel safe.

i worry often the pdoc and austin-t don't like me anymore. gosh, this is one of my core issues - i get scared that people will all of a sudden change their minds on me, and decide to hate me. or just forget i exist. i think i could tell if pdoc/austin-t didn't like me, but so often i get caught up in the worry that they hate me that i confuse it for truth. whereas with old-t it wasn't a worry, it was just fact .

i had a lecturer a few years ago who ran a very successful counselling centre. he told us about one client he really, really disliked but he said he had so much respect for that client for continuing to come back and work on his issues because he suspected the client didn't like him either, and also knew that the lecturer didn't like him. he said it must've been really tough for the client (and that he found it really tough as a T!) but that he had to remind himself that it was about helping someone with their issues, and that eventually they did get this guy's stuff sorted out. so i do think it's possible to get help even though a T doesn't like you, but i also know that pdoc/austin-t probably wouldn't do half the stuff they do for me unless they did like me. i do feel that i get better care this way.