I have been feeling really bad these past couple of weeks...urges to SI, feeling more unmotivated than usual, negative attitude towards life in general, and the worst: suicidal ideation. I wrote a bit about my feelings and today I showed some of my writing to my guidance counsellor.

We both decided to make some calls, basically saying "I can't wait the 6 months for a therapist, and 9 months for a psychiatrist. I need help ASAP to prevent a potential suicide attempt." Well, they listened (thank goodness).

On Wednesday, I think, the "Crisis Mobile Team" will be coming to my school to assess me. They will then try to get me hooked up with a psychiatrist ASAP (potentially the one that's my dad's psychiatrist! ). Also, they're going to try to get me a therapist as soon as possible.

It feels good to know that something is getting started...that help IS coming. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

[deliquesce]

oh gosh - GREAT WORK, ohseedee!!!!!! :hi5:
i'm really proud of you for getting someone to help, that takes a lot of guts - especially after you've been told you have to wait longer.
my referral to my pdoc (5 years ago) was a similar situation - the first person they sent me to had a 6 month wait list, so i went back to my GP and said "i cant wait that long" (similar sui ideation) and so he called around and got the first person he could. who happened to be a pdoc straight out from school that had empty books because he hadnt worked up his name yet. but my pdoc is awesome; i'm so blessed i fell in with him . i hope you'll find really great help too.

[googley]

I'm so glad that you asked for help again and are going to get what you need. Six months with Sui Ideation is way too long. I'm glad you are getting help!

[WePow]

Way to go !!! Way to stand up for yourself!!!!

[darkrunner]

You're amazing!
You should be very proud of yourself for taking those steps.
I'm glad the help is coming. Hang in there.

Thanks everyone.

Another update: Tomorrow the crisis mobile team is coming to evaluate me. I am not sure how this will go exactly, but I'm a bit scared. The only other times I've been evaluated by crisis, I was sent to hospital (5 times). However, I'm in a better place right now. I feel worse, but I won't be doing anything dangerous to myself.

Also, I called this therapy service that offers counselling and charges you based on your family's income. The lady on the phone said I would probably get my sessions for 2$ or 5$ a session. It's good to be poor sometimes.

My biggest fear at the moment is being sent back to the hospital. Which is odd, because I have used the hospital in the past to avoid real life and to escape my problems. But I'm afraid of being known as the "girl who went into the mental hospital a million times". I mean, I've stayed in the hospital on 5 different occasions, 100+ days, in a mere period of 14 months. :/

[WePow]

(((((( ohseedee )))))))) I hope today is good for you. I hope that however it goes, that it will be in your very best intersts and that you will be able to get the help you deserve and need.

I can understand your saying about not wanting to be known as .... but hon, you have got to do what you have to do to stay alive and not be in agony in your soul. I have been in my T's office the past 3 months so much that the other T's are now waving at me and talking to me about stuff around the office like the back yard (( they had a snake issue :-) One T was afraid of the baby snakes but she told me yesterday they were gone. )) And his other clients are starting to give me dirty looks (from the way I see it) becuase they always see me there.

But you have to do what you need to do to make it - you know? Just be real and be honest with how you feel. If you need hospital again, then go. Just take good care of yourself. You can make it too.

[peaches100]

Ohseedee,

I'm glad the Mobile Crisis Team will be evaluating you today. Try not to worry about what other people would think about you having to go to the hospital again. It's none of their business. They are not in your head, and they do not feel what you do. You need to do what is best for you! If you are having sui feelings and need that help to be safe, then it's a good thing. Just the fact that you are worried about going to the hospital too much shows that you are not just "using" the system. I'm sure with the help of the Mobile Crisis Team, you will be able to evaluate together how you're doing and whether or not a hospital stay or some other treatment can help you cope through this difficult time.

[chancy512]

Thinking about you today Ohseedee!

oh, the hospital is a place to heal, it is there because we need it... I hate to say how many times I have been in... anyways. I hope all goes well for you today... and you get the help you need!

I have a frequent flyer pass at my hospital too. It's okay. It is a safe place, and sometimes that is exactly what we need. I'm glad you are getting some help.

Thanks very much everyone. Your support means a lot to me during these trying times.

Spoke to my crisis worker today. She was nice enough, but kept mentioning the hospital as a possibility...which sort of bothered me. I want to get better with a psychiatrist & a therapist...not a hospital stay. I do recognize that if the waiting list is too long though, I might crack and have to consider it. Very frightening though, always thinking that the workers will be like: "Hey, there's the girl who's been in the hospital 5 times already...she'll never get better." :/

My worker too mentioned how I shouldn't be ashamed if I end up going back into the hospital. I will try to keep this in mind. However, my goal right now is to be patient and wait for a therapist & psychiatrist...hopefully things work out.