Crying in therapy.

I know this topic has come up quite a bit, but I wanted to talk about this a little right now since it's been bothering me for a while now. Sorry if this turns out to be a jumbled up mess.

I can't for the life of me express emotions in therapy. I come from an abusive past where crying was seen as a bad thing and something that only the weak do, and so that doesn't make it any easier. I know that crying isn't something that someone has to do to make progress in therapy, but I have noticed that I fear breaking down in therapy so much that I'm avoiding a lot of painful topics. Anything that I even suspect I might have an emotional reaction to is something that I avoid discussing in therapy (and those are the things that SHOULD be discussed!). So, as of right now, I feel stuck with all of this, and I don't know how to overcome it.

Even typing about this makes me sick to my stomach. And when I really started to think about it and why I fear this so much, I have realized something - it all comes back to me being terrified of his reaction if I were to become emotional (I don't even like the word "cry"). I trust my therapist and I'd been seeing him on and off for two years now, but to make myself so vulnerable in his office scares me. I know a lot of that comes from my past.

I know I can't be the only one that is struggling with this. So, I have a couple questions. For those of you who have struggled with this, how did you overcome this? And how does your therapist react to tears in therapy?

Any advice is welcome, too. Thanks for reading!

My therapist is very good at knowing what I am avoiding and getting me there anyway. I'm not much of a crier either; I wouldn't worry about that particularly. When I do cry he sits with me while I work through it. It's not a big deal to him, doesn't upset him or anything. It just is.

I understand what you are saying silent
When you feel like you're avoiding something, try not to put the pressure on yourself to say it. I know how frustrating it can feel... I find it really useful to just say to T "i really want to say something, but I don't want you to see me cry". I've said that to her before (well I wrote it) and then she's always been able to help me get things out. It did become easier for me to let my guard down...it's still hard sometimes though.

take care

i know what you mean big time.i never ever cry in therapy and it bugs me .when i was growing up i got a bunch of mixed messages about feelings and emotions,my mother would beat the crap out of me if i was crying about something .i got the old ill give you something to cry about.or she would have the family stand around and tease me saying things like look at the cry baby dont you just feel bad for her ETC...or if i wasnt crying about something she thought i should be crying about i got beat because i was selfish and insensitive.i never knew what to do so i just didnt show any emotion still dont esp in therapy.

(((((((((((( silent )))))))))))))))

I too guard like anything against breaking down!!!!!!!!!!! but tears do come sometimes; not that I overcame anything, it happened by itself.

T usually reacts by freezing in place. we talked about it - I said, maybe you are afraid to move lest you distract me and I stop, and she said, "you are exactly right."
Hey, it's the one and ony thing I have ever been "exactly right" about since we started.

I've never ever cried in therapy either. I always wished that I could, but I know I can't force it. It has to do with exposing myself and being vulnerable. We never expressed emotions in my family, so that's what I learned, and now I'm scared for people to see my feelings, to have stuff pouring out of me. This is too hard to write, but I wanted you to know you're not alone, Silent Screams. I also feel like I've been screaming silently for my entire life.

I had that very same issue. My T ecourages crying. He has asked me it I wanted to cry before. If I start crying he will tell me to let it out and hand me the box of kleenex. He is very Christian so he knows God gives us the emotion for a reason.

It took me a while to cry in T. Now it's not a problem at all. I won't cry outside of T and I'm working on that. I go to a group and I hold back because I don't want to cry. I think you have to have some vunderability to heal. You make yourself vunderable just by going to T, then it is a process from there. You'll get to a point where you'll be able to cry. Just trust T.

I also came from an non-expressive family and was in fact yelled at or laughed at for crying. So I understand how hard it can be to let another see you cry or break down. I am pretty good at being able to cry now in therapy. T has shown me that it is safe to do that with him. He reacts by either not reacting--just acting like it is normal--or sometimes by making noises of empathy and caring. He lets me know he is there with me in this. He has also cried in session with me before (not sobbed or anything, just a few tears), so I have learned this is a natural emotion, that people do it, and it is fine, even healthy. I tend to hold things tightly inside and this can take so much effort and energy. When I finally decided I wanted to stop holding all my emotions inside, it was such a relief to let them out. I felt so much energy "freed up" for positive things. There have been a couple of times I was crying a little, silently, and my T encouraged me to sob if I needed to. I know that sounds dramatic (no one ever sobbed in my family), but there has been 2 or 3 times in therapy when I was able to let out a single sob, like deep from the soul, and I must admit, it really helped tremendously! I felt lighter and like it was cleansing and helped break a hole through my walls. There is also a wonderful feeling of being able to trust someone enough to cry with them, and that made me feel closer to my T. So, all in all, learning to cry during my sessions has been a huge positive,

Silent Screams, have you shared your fear of breaking down in therapy with your T? What does he say? My T used to say things like, what can I do to make it safe for you here? And he would follow any little clue I gave that might make it easier (like turning the lights lower so he couldn't see me as well). Sometimes I am still embarrassed of crying and I will hide behind my hands. T doesn't think it's weird or anything. Whatever works.

RACEKA: I wish it would happen for me. I've been in therapy for about 15 years with different Ts, and I never cried, not even once. Maybe I will get to that point with my new T.

Silent Screams: have you discussed your inability to cry with your T, and about your feeling vulnerable with him? What does he say? Does he know you're avoiding topics that are important due to your fears? I think your fear in itself would be a good topic for discussion with him.

I cant cry in T either. I too came from a family where expressing any kind of emotion was wrong, so the thought of being so vulnerable with T scares me. I am scared that I have so much hurt and pain that if I did talk about it with him he wouldnt be able to handle it. Or he wouldnt want to know. Or he wouldnt be there to help me pick up the pieces. Or he'll tell me that I have nothing to feel so bad about and to pull myself together. Or he'll just continue talking and ignore the fact that Im in pain.

I have not yet figured out a way to overcome this, other than to avoid it We are trying to work on me being less "in control" of my emotions, but its hard. I dont know what to say other than I hear you, and hope you can at least bring this up with T.

I don't think you need to feel like you must cry in therapy.

I believe it can be easier for therapists, or reassuring for them, or something, to have a client cry. It might mean a breakthrough, or perhaps it creates a sense of connection. Therapists can be insecure about these things -- I imagine there might be relief or an increased sense of having reached a closed-off client. Something like that.

My own T has put some subtle pressure on me to be more obviously emotional in session, and I have to say I think it's because it would make HIM feel better! I'm not in therapy for him, so he can stuff it on that particular issue. (To be fair, he hasn't been pushy on anything else)

So long way of saying, the way you do it is the way you do it. Your style is your style. Don't feel guilty! You're in therapy to change some things, sure -- mostly aspects of your inner life. You're not there to have the therapist change your behavior! Just my take

A quick note about the crying thing -- I wasn't traumatized so much around crying, as I was praised extravagantly for not crying. The adults loved it when I was tough, so I became conditioned, I guess, to avoid crying and deny the pain (at least outwardly). To this day I would rather be admired than pitied. I still dislike revealing myself to everyone. I feel that only a few people deserve to see me, and that's part of the reason I don't cry -- pride, and a simple need for emotional privacy.

But on the rare occasions when I do cry, it really is a glorious release. Just doesn't happen a lot!

Thank you all for the responses. I'm sorry that so many of you are struggling with this as well.

I know that I don't have to cry in therapy to make progress. It's not even that I want to cry in therapy. I think I would actually prefer not to, but I'm struggling with fearing it so much to the point where anytime any painful subject comes up, and I fear that it may make me emotional, I will change the subject, stuff down all of my emotions, and move on which is making it difficult for me to move forward. I'm not even sure that my therapist realizes that I do this. Or maybe he does, but hasn't said anything, and is waiting for me to bring it up.

I haven't had a discussion with him regarding this yet. I have intended to for a while now, but it just hasn't happened. I guess I don't know how to bring it up, to be honest. I suppose what I could do is write it down and hand it to him during my session. Even thinking about talking to him about this makes me uncomfortable, but I think that it'll make me feel better afterwards. I just don't even know where to start..

I know he has briefly cried during my session once after reading something that I had written. So, he does express emotions. Obviously he doesn't fear it. I wish that I didn't.

Silent, I think it's amazing your T cried after reading something you wrote. That's kind of beautiful!

For me, it wasn't so much about crying, but the feeling that I might become overwhelmed, sucked under, by the emotion behind the crying. Therefore, I exerted a lot of effort/control and avoided a lot of stuff to stave off that fear.

I remember the first time I expressed very raw emotions in therapy. An electrical transformer blew out on the block. There was a very loud bang and the power went out. I convinced myself that the extreme emotion I felt caused it (no one ever said that I wasn't CRAZY!).

Looking back on it, I think that was a pretty typical response to the emotion (me thinking I caused a problem, not the transformer blowing).

But, it's just emotion you know? It's just a feeling. It's okay to feel it. It's not going to overwhelm you or hurt you (or anyone else).

It is what it is. No more, no less.

It's more about what's causing the emotion in the long run.

Before therapy, I hadn't cried for YEARS. I'm not even sure how long. A lot of my safety in my childhood revolved around me looking like everything was okay all the time, and it has been really hard for me to unlearn that.

I had three people die - one family member I loved very much, one dear, dear friend, and one person I just slightly knew, but who shared a lot of my story - one right after the other at one point in my therapy. I had been in therapy long enough to feel safe, and that's when the tears REALLY came. I mean, I cried and cried and cried.

Since then, I've cried more in therapy, and lately, it seems like I cry at every freaking session It's such a huge change for me - going from being emotionless to this person who actually cries - but it feels right. I still don't cry anywhere except for in T's office (or at home IF I am on the phone with T), but that is FINE with me.

When I cry, T usually sits quietly. If he happens to be sitting on the couch with me, he might reach over and hold my hand. Last session, I was crying as I was leaving, and T gave me a hug and sort of patted me on the back.

For me, once I let myself cry in therapy and found out that nothing too horrible happened, it was easier to accept it when it happened again.

I do agree that we don't "have" to cry in therapy. I could never make myself cry, that's for sure. But I've learned to allow it to happen when it comes up naturally, and it hasn't been nearly as scary and awful as I thought it would be.

Well, yes, it is good if you can show emotions and cry in therapy, but the last therapist I went to, I was crying and she laughed at me! It wasn't something laughable, at least to me. Perhaps she was trying to put a non-serious spin on what I was conveying, but I left feeling exhausted and foolish. I went to her a few more times, but stopped thereafter. I've managed to work on my issues alone, feeling from all my experiences with various therapists, that they are just human beings like the rest of us with issues...They just have plaques on their walls.

This might sound odd, but I think Ts like it when we cry. ? Just thought of that the other day and I said I wasn't going to cry any more in session. But no idea why I thought that either. It was a strange thing to consider.

I think the best thing to do is to always stay true to the NOW. If you are emotional, then be that. If not, don't force it.

Oh and Tree - what you posted is just beautiful!

Hi Silent Screams
I've been struggling with this for years. I have cried in therapy, but it's so embarrasing! Usually when I cry something has happened that was extremely painful. I don't cry when I talk about my past. When I cry I keep repeating "I'm sorry". My therapist has been very understanding, and has let me know that it is safe to cry, but as so many have already stated, I was ridiculed and punished for crying when I was young. I think it's about trust and feeling safe, which I don't. Lilly99's idea about not putting pressure on yourself sounds like good advice. I think I'll try that myself!
Hope you can have peace about this issue.
Whimsical

I, too, used to get in trouble for crying at home. Same stuff: “I’ll give you something to cry about,” or we’d get hit for whatever and then hit more until we stopped crying.

I do cry sometimes, and there have been a few moments in T where I’ve come close. I’m not so sure how my new T feels about it, though. So I have this natural defense that will back me away from it in T and then I have this feeling of, ‘Oh God, maybe it’s not the right thing to do here.’ Together they work well.

I've struggled with it too, but more because I've wanted to cry and feel entirely frozen, as if I can't access any emotion. The first (and only) time I cried with a former therapist was when she had decided to hospitalize me and I was devastated. She asked me, "Why the tears?" I still remember that, oddly, even though it was 10 years ago. I felt doubly devastated that she didn't seem to understand why I was falling apart. Since then, I have cried with my current therapist just a handful of times. Funny that I can't quite remember how she's responded - probably because I've been so focused on myself I can't even tell what she's doing.

i cried with pdoc today. first time, and i've been seeing him for 5 years. he kept saying "but you've never cried before, you've never cried here before, this is the first time i'm seeing you crying". it wasn't bad, he was just a bit - woah - hard to comprehend that deli is crying after 5 years of not.
it wasn't even a big, deep and meaningful session or anything. i was just exhausted and feeling overwhelmed and i started crying a little bit. not huge sobs (ive done that with austin-t, and i don't like it - it means i've been pushed somewhere that's too hard for me to go to) but just gentle crying. and it was ok because it just got out how not ok i'm feeling right now.
pdoc told me he thought it was good that i could cry because it meant i was in tune with how i was feeling. it wasnt a big deal or anything to me, it just happened (whereas if it had happened earlier it might have been a big deal, but now i just feel comfortable with pdoc and it was ok that i cried). i cried on the phone with him maybe 2 weeks ago and he thought it was awesome, but that phone call was huge so it made sense there was a lot of emotion involved.
it is kind of funny - ive always thought that should i ever cry with pdoc it'd be this huge momentous occassion, but i was just tired today and i was crying and it was all terribly mundane. i think what i like is that i dont feel odd about it (apart from poor pdoc having to process it, that was kind of funny), whereas when i've sobbed in front of austin-t i've felt very raw afterwards and exposed. this was just gentle and it was ok that pdoc was there.

It happened one session when he was talking gently with me. The tenderness of his voice stroking me just brought out the tears. After that moment of connection, I cried pretty regularly in sessions. It seemed he was always offering me a kleenex. I have these memories of seeing his hand extending out through my blurred vision. Oddly enough, the only time I cried hysterically was at my (first) last session. I sobbed for just about the entire 50 minutes. Not surprising to me now in retrospect.