[tryingtobeme]

First, I hate hate hate my life. I wish I was gone then I wouldn't have to feel any of this crap. I feel like just giving up and being done. But I want to punish those that have shaped my life into a living H E double hockey sticks.

I saw T last night. Session was good, but I came to a point when I stopped. I just couldn't go on. I knew I had two very important topics to discuss or at least start on. About 1/2 way through I knew I couldn't tell him either one.

I have told my T just about everything, even all the horrible things that have done to me, how it felt, and how it feels today. We've done major trauma work, DBT and CBT therapy and I have been able to get through it all. Some major hills along the way came but somehow I cannot get the strength or courage to even say anything about the 2 issues.

One is so embarring. It shouldn't be, we kind of talked about it before, but it has just been triggered the other day. All the old wounds opened again. Felling like my life is finally coming to the end.

I can't talk to him now. He asked about making another appointment this week and I said I would but now, I don't want too. I can't trust my secrets to him.

I'm not sure what I do or what I even want, but to be asleep and never wake

[sittingatwatersedge]

dear TTBM

if you make another appointment it doesn;t have to be for purposes of opening those two things. That will come when you are ready, whenever that is, and yr T will wait for your time.

Might be useful just to go and talk to yr T about trust in general, and about giving yourself some peace about that.PM me any time if you want.
SAWE

PS - I wish I had a wonderful son (or daughter ),
but I don't, and I never will now. You are one rich lady.

[tryingtobeme]

Thank you. I do trust my T, I am scared of the consequenses. I am hurting myself, and I am hurting someone else that I love unconditionally and I hate myself for it. If I can't be good to another human being that I shouldn't be aloud to be here on this earth.

[granite1]

make another appt and see what happens maby it will help.im probibly the last person to give advice about therapy but it isnt going to get better if you dont go and give it a chance

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

Thank you. I do trust my T, I am scared of the consequenses. I am hurting myself, and I am hurting someone else that I love unconditionally and I hate myself for it. If I can't be good to another human being that I shouldn't be aloud to be here on this earth.

Sharing a burden may help to resolve it -- even if you have to share it only a bit at a time. Anyway, those are my words of the day.

[Mike_J]

Just my point of view. Therapy without trust (complete trust) isn't going to really be effective. Now trust takes time, you don't have to tell your therapist everything right away. If you are seeing a therapist and you don't see the level of trust you have in them growing, then you might think about looking for a new therapist.

There are way too many posts about peopel who have therapists they don't like, or don't trust, or don't feel comfortable with but they keep seeing them, just don't get it.

And that is probally easy for me to say I have such a great therapist.

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by Mike_J

Just my point of view. Therapy without trust (complete trust) isn't going to really be effective. Now trust takes time, you don't have to tell your therapist everything right away. If you are seeing a therapist and you don't see the level of trust you have in them growing, then you might think about looking for a new therapist.

I usually do trust my T. I have for the past 3 years and I did last night. Just these two secrets I have not been able to speak up with him. My T is great. My fear is overriding the reality that I can trust my T. I am so fearful of the consequences. My T and I have discussed these many of times so I'm not sure why there is so much fear this time.

[WePow]

(((( Trying )))) It is usually the deepest stuff that is hardest to trust T about. Ugggs.
Just go slow and be honest with T - even if it is to say "I feel I want to share this with you, but I feel like I don't trust you right now enough to share this." The fear is just showing you how important this is. That means it is even more vital to work with T through this.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((tryingtobeme))))

Breath hon and know that you are okay right now. I hear you when you say that you cannot tell or talk to t about these two secrets. And that is okay. Even like wepow said if you can just tell him that you need to talk but that you cannot trust him right now that at least lets him know that you are trying. Is there something he can do to help you?

I think making the other appointment would be good. If you feel you cannot go then you can cancel it. If you wait too long then what if he gets full and cannot see you and then you will feel worse for not making the appointment. So many times we feel things that we cannot talk about but with time it comes.

Trying to push those things out can do more hard than good. When you are ready you will know and then you will be able to do what it is that you need to do. Have you tried writing it out first when no one is around so that you can get it out of your head and on paper where you can decide at that point when or if you share it.

Sometimes for us getting things out helps and then it gives a way to begin to open up. It is our choice who and when it is seen But it gets attention just by writing it out. Only you know what you can or cannot talk about and that is okay. Your t is there for you and I know that he cares.

He is not going to push you and if he knows you are scared he can re-assure you which could give you some sense of safety. Hon, they are not there to judge you as it is your time. Whatever it is you have the right to be heard and listened too. Just take your time and do it in your way.

I hear you about wanting to give up and I understand. But in giving up we are allowing them to win. It takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing. In courage is how we will defeat them. One word at a time. If you cannot talk about the whole at one time it is okay. Take it one step at a time. It is in the little steps that we add up to the big ones.

There have been many times I have been going along and then stopped as it was too much or something scared me or maybe it was just not time yet. But that is okay. It is not required that you tell all at once. If telling just a piece is all you can do then that is okay. It is one piece closer than before. If you can say nothing at all that is okay too but you got there and you tried.

If we try we cannot fail for we are taking a step in the right direction. If we try and fall, we have not failed for we are out there trying and reaching forward. But if we do not try and we end it, then we have failed and we cannot go any farther. I know you are trying with everyday you get up and take a risk to reach out.

The risk you take each time you post is a risk worth taking. You are worthy of our care and listening. I am so proud of you for posting and reaching out. That tells me you are trying to go forward. I know it is scary and it hurts, I have been there and am there too. But each time we try and each time we risk, we are taking back a part of ourselves that they did not have a right to take.

You are good and you are trying. That is all any of us can do. You are not hurting anyone. You are not responsible for others but you are responsible to yourself. You have a beautiful son that needs his mother and I know that you love him and are a great mother. Can I ask how you feel you are hurting that person?

Know that we are listening and that we care. Please keep posting and sharing how you feel. Know that you are a good person that deserves to be heard and listened too. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[Mike_J]

This may not work for you, but I have a few very embarrasing issues, I couldn't bring myself to bring them up. Sort of painted myself in a corner so to say at the end of one session, this caused her to ask some very probing questions during our next session.

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

((((tryingtobeme))))

Can I ask how you feel you are hurting that person?

Know that we are listening and that we care. Please keep posting and sharing how you feel. Know that you are a good person that deserves to be heard and listened too.

Emotionally I am hurting this individual. My actions towards them are hurting them emotionally. I can't really say much more about it, without giving it away. I'm sorry. I know I disappoint you and that is not what I want to do. It is just so hard and so confusing to tell...what is right? what is wrong? I don't know the answer.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

Emotionally I am hurting this individual. My actions towards them are hurting them emotionally.

Do you have evidence that you are hurting them, or do you feel inside yourself that you are hurting them?

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Do you have evidence that you are hurting them, or do you feel inside yourself that you are hurting them?

I know I am hurting them emotionally. I am being the kind of person that I swore I would not grow up to be and do the things that I am doing.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

I know I am hurting them emotionally. I am being the kind of person that I swore I would not grow up to be and do the things that I am doing.

You know you are hurting them? How do you know that?

I ask because sometimes we think we know things about other people, but we are wrong. I have done it too.

Even if you are hurting someone, you clearly do not want to be doing that. You should give yourself a lot of credit for that, I think. This might give you a little "space" to try to find some alternative way to solve these problems.

[tryingtobeme]

thanks for you support pachyderm