[shoez]

I am very very stressed out, I cant sleep well and Im just all messed up. Im really sorry if this ends up being long. I decided after a whole lot of breakdowns that I wanted to try therapy. My mother is paying for it since I dont really have a job along with other things. This was a big mistake as I suspected, and later found. Ever since I started therapy my mother has been threatening me with any little thing , "Well since you didnt ask me how my day at work was, I think I shouldnt pay for therapy because your just as bad as you have always been" ..so she would do this every week, until it drives me crazy.

So..yesterday I had my fourth session with T at 6:30pm. I started to take the bus at around 5:45. I got a voicemail on my phone from my T. I already started panicking because I thought she was going to cancel! as pathetic as this sounds, sometimes I feel as if my whole week revolves around seeing my T. The message was her saying that she just got off the phone with my mother, and that my mother suggested I should cancel my appointmendt because I had no medical insurance coverage.....which is impossible.
So I immediately felt infuriated at my mother for calling the therapist because I figured it was some plan to get me out of therapy.
I went to my T appointment anyway, and my T expressed she was happy I had still come, because it would be worked out one way or another.
I was so scared and flustered about the whole situation that I poured my guts about my mother in the session. She said she was happy I was so expressive and felt we had already made all this progress. I was taken back by this because the only reason I was blabbing was because I was so terrified I would never see her again...

Okay, so I left and went home. Still infuriated at my mother.
When I got home, I asked my mother what was wrong with my insurance, and she said "nothing is wrong with your insurance". I was fuming ....I then asked her why she called the T to tell her to cancel my appointment. So then my mother said my T was a liar because she had never called her.
Then my mom went on and on about how my T was a liar, and how when she spoke to my T on the phone my T (before our session) my T was mean and nasty and all these things. Then she said that my T was crazy anyway because my T refused to see my mother and I at the same time. So my mother took it personally and started talking about my T.

I predicted this, because after the first session (where my T told my mother she couldnt see us together) I told my T I was scared my mother would dislike her. Because my mother does this with everyone. She likes you one minute, and the next minute its like she wants you dead. (she does with this me...though obviously with other people its not as direct).

I left a message to my T shortly after and said ~"I am very confused about who called who concerning the insurance problem, and I am not jumping to conclusions but I suspect my mother is trying to make me get out of therapy. Please call me back"

I have known my mother forever obviously. But even with all my experience I cannot tell when things are coming all the time...., After my mother calling my T all those things ...and saying to me "You are such a wierdo, you even went in the pouring rain to see that 'therapist'...freakin wierdo..I know doctors who wouldnt want to see you again just after one look at you"

She made me feel like seeing my T was a direct act against her....
After her bashing my T, she came and said she got me these cute earrings, and showed me some girl in a magazine and blah blah blah....and then I felt bad about being angry at her all the time, and I was so confused. :unsure:

I spent the whole night waking up thinking that I caused all this friction and I was doing something, and I dont deserve therapy anyway, and the T probably thinks im a liar anyway....and fearing every 5 seconds my mother might be right and Im going against her. I felt like all the things that happened to me in my past werent that bad anyway, and I just wanted to go to therapy for stupidity, my mother always said I just want to be stupid...even though I say I dont believe her, somewhere it repeats over and over in my head, I worried so much I started heaving in the bathroom because I felt so confused.
My T hasnt called me back from my message and im scared of myself! Im scared I will say something and it will cause more friction, I cant tell her all those things my mother said ...that would be horrible. I dont know Im just so confused and I feel like Im conspiring against my mother by doing this, and maybe I am a wierdo, or maybe my T really will hate me. That 'maybe' someway my mother is right. I just dont know ..... HELP PLEASE

What should i tell my T when she calls back, I feel insane, and just so so so guilty.

[granite1]

(((shoez)))i think you should tell your therapist everything.it will help T understand the dynamics that go on between you and your mom.im sure your T will be able to handle this with the understanding that she is your mom and it isnt helpful to judge her
relationships with moms are soo complicated in the best of situations.and believe me i am the last person to give advice about that but know that i am totally understanding of the mom thing and am so sorry you are having a hard time and feel so stuck over the therapy thing with her .i know it stinks really bad

[peaches100]

Hi Shoez,

First of all, I want to offer you a hug if OK. . .

I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed out! You probably feel like you're caught in the middle between your mom and your t. That is a stressful place to be.

Before you do anything, i would encourage you to try to calm down. If the stress of this is causing you to heave in the bathroom, that means it is affecting you badly. It's hard to make good decisions, or know how to react, when you're in a turmoil of emotions. Can you sit quietly somewhere for a few minutes and just do some deep breathing? Not thinking about the problem or anything else. . .just slowly counting your breaths as you inhale and exhale? If the problem crops up in your mind while you're breathing, just take note of it and then dismiss it, and go back to your breathing again. Do this over and over if needed. Remind yourself that you're OK. You and your t will figure this thing out.

About your mom. . .I want to choose my words carefully because i don't know her personally, and she no doubt has some really good qualities. But i must tell you that from reading the statements she has made to you, she is verbally abusing you. It is not appropriate to call your child "stupid" or "a weirdo." I'm very troubled by that. I am also concerned by the fact that she expected you to ask how her day was and wanted to punish you because you didn't. That does not seem reasonable to me.

Your mom sounds like a very difficult person to get along with. Please do not feel guilty!!! You are not causing this!!! You've already realized that your mom has a problem getting along with other people too. So this is s HER problem, not yours. Unfortunately, because you both live under the same roof and must interact so frequently, her problems with getting along with people are going to affect you also.

I'm sorry you have this extra stress to deal with!! But if you continue therapy, your therapist will help you analyze your relationship with your mom and teach you some coping skills for dealing with her. Your therapist will also be able to help you sort out what's going on when you feel confused by the interactions with your mom.

I would encourage you to continue with therapy if at all possible. Since your mom is the one paying for your therapy, do what you can to maintain peace. It sounds like every time she gets angry, she threatens to stop your therapy. This is immature and manipulative behavior. However, she's the one with the money, so she has the power to make it very hard or impossible for you to see your therapist. So try to keep from blowing up or yelling back at her when she's acting unreasonably. Use your therapy sessions to vent your emotions. It's OK to do that in therapy. And as I said, your therapist will help you figure out how to best deal with your mom.

You say you don't have a job. Would your circumstances permit you to get one? This would enable you to pay for your own therapy if your mom refuses to pay for it. It's hard to have a feeling of security with your t when your mom constantly threatens to make you quit.

When you see your t next time, please tell her how this stress is affecting you. Tell her that it causes you to heave in the bathroom. It will be important for you to learn some stress reduction and relaxation techniques. That will make it easier to cope with the stress in your life.

I want to emphasize one more time: This Is Not Your Fault! You do not have any reason to feel guilty. You are not being a bad daughter or making your mom look bad. (You also told some good things about her--such as that she bought you some earrings). You are just telling the truth about what is going on in your family. You are acnknowledging reality. Sometimes it isn't pretty. But it is what it is.

I hope you hear back from your t soon. Hang in there.

[lily99]

hang in there shoez

[Chronic]

(((Shoez))) I agree with the others- I think you should tell T the whole story with your mother. It sounds like she is counterproductive to your therapy, and that you need Ts support.

What a horrible situation you are in, but try to let T know what is going on.

[kitten16]

Your mother is horribly critical and hurtful. I can imagine she's damaged you a lot, but you're at a place now, it sounds like, where you're starting to come into the light with this stuff. You know that her comments are more revealing of her own pain than of anything she can tell you about yourself. Her point of view is based on a need to control you and keep you from getting better, unfortunately. So what she says about you and your motives is tactical. It doesn't reflect reality. Knowing this, you can be immune from her attempts to destroy you. You know she's trying to, but you also know that she's wrong. (Buying the earrings is tactical too -- she's manipulating you in a text-book classic sense. You're right to be suspicious of this.)

She probably realizes that she's a big part of your situation, and that things will come up in therapy that are critical of her. She fears this and also fears you getting control of your life, feeling better, realizing that she's hurtful to you. She's probably afraid you're going to leave her.

And you're just going to keep marching into therapy and doing it anyway. You will find a way. I feel panic and distress and despair in your post, but I also sense a core of strength. I know you can do this And hugs! (((shoez)))

[pachyderm]

I had a mother who was similar in some respects. I see now that she was so insecure and afraid of abandonment herself that she had to try to control everything so she did not get abandoned (emotionally). This explains the rapid changes from one emotion to another: being "nice" and then being full of accusations. Of course, her actions made the situation worse, and drove away those near her. I suspect your therapist will understand this process pretty well.

[jexa]

I really like peaches' reply to you shoez -- she said everything I could think to say! I'm so sorry you are dealing with this mom who is clearly abusive and controlling.

[mobius]

I imagine you have a lot of good intuition, shoez, about your mom's behaviors. The way you describe your understanding of her dynamics suggests you're pretty savvy about knowing what's what. And yet, it's difficult to trust that intuition, since it sounds like your mom is keen on undermining it (knowingly or not). I'd advocate for you telling your therapist the truth, which could just be your observations about what you see your mom doing and what you're feeling about it. I hope the phone call with your therapist goes well.

[ECHOES]

shoez, it sounds like your mother feels very threatened by your therapist, as if in competition with her. Or maybe she is jealous. Certainly she is interfering and controlling.
I wonder what she fears about you having a life of your own, that includes her but more remotely.

Of course she called your T. There isn't a logical alternative explanation.
It is ironic that while your mother means to interfere and control your therapy, she has actually helped it by helping you talk about her, and she has highlighted that therapy is between you & T and it is you and T who are in control.

[Sannah]

Shoez, it sounds like your mother has mental health issues. I am so sorry that you had to grow up around that. You are doing good work being open with your therapist. We will continue to support you. I can really see your dilemma here and why you feel the way you do.

[bluesylady]

Hi Shoez, I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation with your mother and your therapy. It does sound like your mother is being very manipulative with how she offers to pay for therapy then threatens to not pay for your treatment if she doesn't get what she wants. This seems so incredably cruel to me. I just want to give you a big if that's ok with you. Everyone deserves to feel good inside and that includes you no matter what your mother has told you. You deserve to be well. I think you should definatly let your t know everything that is going on with you and your mom and I also think you should tell her everything she has said to you about your t and what you believe to be lies. If you can't bring yourself to speak all these words to your t then maybe you can print out your post and bring it to t for her to read. If your mother is going to continue to play these manipulative games with your therapy and payment then maybe you can find some way to get treatment by what you can afford. Maybe a sliding scale at a community mental health facility, or if you can't afford it at all, maybe there is some way you can get your own medical insurance through medicaid if you are in the United States depending on your age. You said you recently started therapy with this t and you are probably just starting to build a raport with her so it may be hard to switch to a different therapist but it will keep your mother out of your treatment. If you let your t know everything that is going on with your mom and the therapy payment situation and a solution cannot be worked out with the payment then maybe t can help you with getting treatment somewhere else.

Just my 2 cents for whatever it's worth.

I wish you all the best.

Take care and be well,
bl

[googley]

((((((Shoez)))))))

Everyone has already said what I would say. But wanted to let you know I read your post and I am also here to support you. It can be really hard starting T. I know my mom hated it when I started going to T. Luckily I had my dad's support. But my mom would still tell me I wasn't allowed to talk about her at all in therapy. Then she would grill me when I got home about what we talked about. I hope your T and you can work something out. She should be able to help you figure out the best ways to deal with your mom. Good luck. Post any time.

[dfh932]

(((((shoez))))) I can relate to what you are going through in some ways. I would say defintley don't give up on therapy. It sounds like you are feeling so conflicted and that is just how I would feel...but I don't even mention my T to my mom b/c I think she would be really jealous and worried and feel threatened by her.
That's just how some mom's are. But (plz don't take this the wrong way) shoez has gotta live her life on her own terms. ...if that means not talking to mom about T, that is what I would do. But i would decide about T by interacting with T, and talking to her about all this stuff....
((((((shoez))))))