[rainbow8]

I'm not sure how it went, but it wasn't what I expected. I don't think I did EMDR according to the way it's "supposed to be", though Kt kept saying I was doing fine. I couldn't keep the incident I was supposed to be processing in my mind because I don't remember the details. She pressed the vibrating thingies and I was supposed to let my thoughts go wherever they went. Then she turned off the buzzers or whatever they are called and asked what I was thinking. It seemed to me that my thoughts were not related to that incident but they were of value.

My stomach hurt during the session, and she said that is common. I said some things about my mother, but I panicked so I stopped myself. At the end of the session, I imagined the image of me tearing her office apart and being angry. I said I wanted to scream, but of course I said all of this in a quiet voice.

So, I did have some feelings though I'm not sure if that's the way EMDR is supposed to be. She said we didn't finish, and if we do it next time, we'll focus on a different aspect of the same issue. It's all so vague. Maybe my problems don't fit with EMDR. I told her again about Bt and why I wanted more therapy, and about my reactions to her. This was before the EMDR part. Afterwards, I said I felt disappointed that I would do it again--the attachment to her. She said this is a slow process. I don't remember what else she said. I felt a little dizzy and she wanted to be sure I was all right.

I feel kind of sad. Maybe I will have some insights from the session in the next few days. I feel like there is a huge piece of the puzzle missing!! The part I didn't want to say was "I want Mommy" that came up in the middle of the session. But I had to get away from that feeling. I did tell Kt that. I also felt disappointment and hate and anger. The processing was not about one incident though; it was more like whatever I was thinking of, relevant or not. I liked that because I think it will lead somewhere; I just wish I knew where that somewhere is!

I feel tired and depressed now. I don't know what I want.

[BlueMoon6]

Wow rainbow! That sounds really powerful. I dont know what goes on in EMDR so I cant give you and answer on that, but from what you said came up it seems like a place you havent gone before. Or maybe gone in this way. I dont remember you ever talking this way about any incident or your family. It seems like you are sllowing yourself to get to some core feelings. Is that the purpose of EMDR? To get to deeper stuff? or to deal with it better?

Either way, I like that you allowed yourself to feel things and go places whether it seems relevant or not. Maybe its all relevant. And myabe more will come up as you process the session some more.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, Blue. I have talked about the particular incident in therapy a lot. I was disappointed not to feel more about it, or have more memories come up during the session, but they could later. I couldn't focus on it, though.

EMDR is supposed to be a method to work through trauma and change negative feelings about yourself and the experience to positive ones, or at least neutral ones so you aren't triggered anymore. It can help when you are "stuck" with something.

The "thingies" are small devices I held in my hand. Kt controlled them so they vibrated off and on. I would just let my mind wander while I felt the vibrations, then she'd stop and ask "where are you"? I'd tell her and then she'd turn the devices on again. It's supposed to be alternating left and right hands, I think, but I just felt the vibrations and don't even remember if it was in both hands at the same time or not.

The experience sort of felt like dreaming while awake. Of course my eyes were closed the entire time. I think that because my traumas are "little" ones, EMDR is different for me. The interesting part for me is that when I felt the vibrations, I really did FEEL emotions, spontaneously. For that reason alone, it was worth doing. I got closer to something, but don't know what.

I didn't want to tell Kt that I thought of "I want Mommy" during it, at one point. Before we did the EMDR, she commented that I lost my Mom at a relatively early age, in my early 30's when my older daughter was 3. So, maybe I was thinking about my Mom because she said that. But I did tell her anyway. I don't know why it is so hard for me to acknowlege wanting Mommy. It was a child talking because I don't refer to my mother as Mommy anymore!

Like everyone says, therapy is hard. It's not so much fun anymore. I slept 8 1/2 hours last night which is a lot for me, but I'm still tired.

[zooropa]

(((((rainbow))))) that sounds really intense. I'm not surprised you are feeling tired and drained after that. It's hard work you are doing!

[WePow]

Rainbow - you did AWESOME yesterday!! I talked with my T about the EMDR yesterday so I could get some info maybe for you on it. He said he did it for his trauma as well. He said that for him it was like a tomato that was too ripe finally splitting open and all the emotions and stuff just came flying out all over the place. Very messy. Trauma work is not neat he said. So just stay safe, drink water (it will help). And allow yourself to just go with the flow of it. T said it worked for him even though he highly doubted it when he first went to do it.

I think it sounds like you did great. The answers won't be clear after just one session...though I think the statement "I want Mommy" is really powerful and something that could be central to your T attachment issues.

I would guess that once you get to the bottom of "I want Mommy" and what that means for you and where the longing comes from, then a lot of other pieces of the puzzle will fall into place...

Try not to judge or criticize yourself though...I don't think there's a right or wrong response to EMDR. Whatever comes up comes up...

[rainbow8]

WePow, I am so touched that you would ask your T about EMDR for ME! That means more than you can imagine. Like I count. I'm not invisible here.

griffinp: Thank you for responding too. Yeah, interesting that I didn't even want to tell T that I was thinking "I want Mommy" or wanting instead to believe that it came up because she mentioned my Mom before we did it. My mother also came up during the EMDR again, later, when my stomach hurt, that I had a hard time when I was about 9 and we moved, and I changed schools. I used to stay home because I didn't "feel good". My mother would ask what hurts and I always said "I don't know." I didn't want to even say "my stomach hurts" for some reason. I was scared in my new school, being shy and all. That's why I didn't want to go.

WePow, that's what EMDR may do for me. Burst the tomato! Not process any particular trauma, but get me to express my feelings. Not expressing them, not talking, was in a way trauma for me, so maybe it's all the same issue. I feel better about it. I always want to "go by the book" but if it works for me, then it's all right. We were supposed to work on the negative feeling of "powerless" which didn't really come up much. I don't know. I do feel like this therapy, both EMDR and IFS are getting me to somewhere I haven't been before where I want to go, but it's scary!

I just wanted to add....during my last EMDR session, we were working on a memory of feeling safe, and out of the blue I said "I am loveable." It was totally unrelated to what I thought we were working on, but turned out to be the central issue for me in the end. I had not ever felt loveable.

So, just go with the flow...it's scary, but can be so healing.

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow,

I'm no expert on EMDR, but I'll try to answer your thread based on what i've read about EMDR, plus my own experience with doing EMDR.

First of all, you didn’t do it “wrong.” There is no set way that everybody is going to respond or process things with EMDR. It’s very individualized. So don’t worry about that. Also, you do not have to remember all the details of the trauma. You are not trying to “find” a memory. You are trying to process what you already remember, and stay present with whatever emotions or physical sensations come up for you during the EMDR session.

I know that you like to know ahead of time what will happen in your sessions, you want them to go a certain way, and you also want to be able to understand everything that happens in a session. You want answers. I’m like that too. But EMDR is not something you can always control. There are many factors that come into play, some of them subconscious. The more you can relax with the process and not “expect” anything particular – just letting things come to you as they will – the better it will work.

I could tell from your thread that you had some resistance. For example, you said the thought “I want my mommy” came up for you, but you didn’t want to tell Kt. I know that you did go ahead and tell her, but the resistance was there. When we resist what comes up (either we don’t want to acknowledge it ourselves or don’t want to share it with our t), then we are “blocking” the process. Many times it is due to guilt, embarrassment, or shame. At other times, resistance may be a defense our mind uses because the idea of “going there” is too scary for us. In talking about your mom, you said in your post, “I said some things about my mother, but I panicked so I stopped myself.” You also said, “I had to get away from that feeling.” Do you see the resistance? Something is scaring you when you begin talking about your mother, or when your feelings of “I want my mommy” come up in your conscious mind. This is important information. It tells you that this is a significant issue for you because it creates panic and the urge to push away the feelings. Just take note of this and accept it. You also mentioned a feeling of anger and a mental picture of tearing your t’s office apart. Notice that.

Resist the urge to overanalyze or try to figure out the who, what, when, where, why, and how of the trauma. Be patient with the process. I know this is hard for you. You say “I feel like there is a huge piece of the puzzle missing.” My t has a saying about trauma processing: The Slower You Go, The Faster You Get There.” If you push yourself too hard or try to force memories, it doesn’t work – just as you can’t force a puzzle piece to fit somewhere it doesn’t. More will unfold in time, as your mind and body are ready to deal with it. I have found that when I try to overanalyze/push too hard/process too much, all it does is overwhelm me emotionally or numb me out and shut me down. It actually makes my healing slower.

For now, just know that you have some feelings about your mom that create fear and resistance. You also had some angry, destructive feelings. This is what you discovered from your first EMDR session. That, in itself, is progress!

If anything else comes up for you this week that seems related to the EMDR work you’ve done, let your t know when you see her. If not, that’s OK too.

Regarding the dizzy feeling, I have had that feeling also, and for me, it is related to dissociation. It usually happens when I’ve shared something significant from the child part of myself. For you, it could be the same thing, or it could be due to something else, like getting used to the bilateral stimulation. My t has said it is very important to let her know when I feel this dizzy feeling, so that she can work with me to make sure I am “grounded in the present” before I leave her office. This is important because you don’t want traumatic material (whether they are disturbing thoughts, memories, or strong emotions) to interfere with things like driving. So do make sure to let your t know when this happens.

[WePow]

((((((( Rainbow ))))))) OH HECK YES YOU COUNT !!!!!!
I only use PC for my support and everyone on here (including you) have been so wonderful and such a good support. I think about you guys and wonder how I can help a little - if I can. So yahhhhh ... silly :-) You count big time! :-)

OHHH I forgot to mention that my T also said EMDR made his stomach very sick... even while in session. He said he had to excuse himself from his T and go loose his lunch. That is why he told me to drink a lot of water when I was doing mine... it does something with the stomach I guess.

And what Peaches wrote is awesome!!!! Keep on just being honest with your emotions and allow them to happen. It will suck. I know. But you can do it. And it really is worth the work.

[rainbow8]

Thank you SO much, Peaches! Your explanations helped a lot! Yes, I've always been resistant to discuss my mother in therapy, at least my feelings about her. It's come up lots of times with other Ts. I don't know why I was embarrassed to tell Kt. I saw it in big white letters, like on a billboard: I WANT MOMMY! I know I wanted Bt to be my mother; that's no secret, but it is all so embarrassing to me. Bt thought it is because my mother didn't let me separate from her, not because I missed something. So maybe I've been looking at it the wrong way. Yet my feelings also seemed to be preverbal, regarding Bt. So, it could be both, right?

So, here I go trying to figure it out, getting a headache from trying so hard! Kt doesn't want me to do that either. Your T is right; it's not helpful for me to analyze too much. I will try not to do that!

I think I got dizzy because of keeping my eyes closed for over an hour. I got dizzy from the IFS too. I also have allergies, and get sinus pressure. It could have been my blood sugar, too. I brought some food with me and ate it before I drove, and that helped me.

WePow--thanks again! Hmm. Kt said we feel things in our stomachs, and that's why. I didn't get sick; it just hurt. I wonder if everyone who does EMDR gets a stomach ache.

I keep thinking how different this therapy is from any other I've had. I've always wanted to "feel something" in therapy. It looks like I am finally getting to do that!

[dfh932]

((((((rainbow)))))))))
that sounds very interesting and exciting, and like you did some really good work. That is awesome how you are feeling like you are slowly working towards something, and things are maybe coming together for you, even though it's a different kind of process with the EMDR. It sounds really cool

[chaotic13]

I tried EMDR once in therapy. When I was done, I called a deliberate cognitive overload technique. When you said that you had trouble keeping the issue you were working on in your mind, my first thought was...exactly! IDK if my T did a standard application of the technique with me but I felt like she was trying to deliberately overload my system with the visualizations followed by the eye tracking thing (my T had me follow her pen with my eyes).

One problem I continually have with most techniques is I see things or feel things but have trouble not screening my expression of it. I through up a lot of resistence. With the EMDR, I started to become agitated because I couldn't get my mind to stay on track and it made me feel stupid. HOWEVER, I will say that even when I struggled doing the technique, it still helped me somewhat. That is when I didn't then go home and try the technique myself. :-/ with this one I remember at home doing a really good job of creating the triggering image...I just forgot the second part which was having the nice feeling image to switch to...That home experiment DID NOT turn out too well. So my recommendation is stay open to trying it again during your session, but don't try to "practice" between sessions.

[complic8d]

Thank you so much for this thread. It is very timely as my t feels that EMDR will be the thing to really help. We have tried it before and I have had the same kind of responses, mainly feeling "stupid" and getting way off topic. I feel very self-conscious and she knows that. I think we are going to try it again tomorrow. It helps me to know that other people also think they may be doing it "wrong". I will probably tell her about what I learned on here.
So, thanks so much rainbow, for sharing your experience with us!

[rainbow8]

complic8d,

Good luck with the EMDR! I'm glad this thread helped you. Please post how it goes for you; maybe we can help each other. I wonder if the technique was set up at first to follow a specific protocol, but it doesn't have to be that way. My T just kept saying "Go with that" or "you're doing great" even when the images weren't related to anything. She said to imagine I'm on a train and images are floating by, and to tell her what I see when she stops the vibrations.

I think if the trauma is something major, the images will be more related to it. Maybe not. For me, it's such a change from "talking" in therapy. For many years of therapy, all I did was talk, and not feel. So in a way it's like starting over. Does your T do IFS (Internal Family Systems therapy) too? It seems like Ts who do one do the other.

[rainbow8]

complic8d--If you do EMDR today, please (if you are up to it) post how it went. I'm thinking of you.

[complic8d]

Yes, my t does IFS as well. We've been working with identifying parts and their traits. I'm not sure how the session will go today, but I will let you know what goes on. Thanks for being supportive. I really believe that we can all help each other out on here. To know I'm not alone is so empowering. Thank you.

(((((rainbow)))))

[complic8d]

We did do EMDR today. I felt much better about doing it after reading these posts! I have so many issues to work on, but I wanted to start with something a little more specific, so that is what we did. (It was kind of a test to see if my thinking could budge.)

Background: I have had a terrible snake phobia since I was a child. I believe it, at least in part, is the result of a big move when I was 6. Basically from a suburb (no snakes) to the middle of the woods (snakes). At first they just scared me, but as the years progressed I got to the point where I couldn't walk across the lawn without feeling terrified. (I know Freud would have a field day with this! I have no specific memories that would back up HIS theories, but I do have PTSD and DD-NOS). I have had recurring nightmares about them since childhood, always involving someone throwing them at me or making me touch them.

Anyway, lately I have been feeling trapped. We moved about 8 years ago to a wooded lot with a pond in the back (from in town, long story). As one would assume, there have been plenty of "sightings", and I have panicked. I will rarely leave my deck or front porch. If I do, it is with a lot of pre-scanning of the area. I love nature and gardening, so this is really a big issue for me. I would love to move, but that would probably just be running away. So, I decided I need to work on this issue. We've tried before, but I get way off topic and zone out.

Today, we tried to change the belief that "I CANNOT walk in the yard without being terrified" to "I CAN walk in the yard without being terrified". Of course, the first I believe 100% and the second not at all. So, we did EMDR, and I tried to stick with the more narrow subject. Of course, a lot of philosophies came to mind, but I tried to stay on topic. We both used the word "snake" a lot (which I still have a hard time typing), and I was very uncomfortable. But, I stuck with it, and was feeling a little OK by the time the session was over. (Her next appt had cancelled, so we stayed a little longer). At the end she asked me how true the second statement was and I said "maybe 1%?" But I did feel a little switch where I was able to think of a snake as a "woodland creature" and not "something out to terrify me and ruin my life". She said that sounded like more than 1 %! I still do not want to walk in my yard! But, I guess we'll take it slowly. I was less uncomfortable with the subject at the end of the session, which was cool.

I am still wondering how I transferred all that meaning to them, where that comes from. She said maybe we won't know, but if I can get to where I can take walks outside that will be great! I don't know where all the emotion will go if it isn't attached to that symbol. I am hoping I don't start having recurring nightmares like I do at times. T said that things may make shifts in my brain over the next week, insights may come.
So, that was my experience today. I stuck with it and had some success! Even if it was just a little, at least it's something!

Hope this helps, and isn't too too long!
I would love to keep this discussion going, especially with those doing IFS, trauma work with parts, and EMDR.

[rainbow8]

Thanks for sharing your EMDR session, complic8d. It sounds like it helped you, at least a little. I'll be curious to hear how you feel later in the week.

If I lived in an area where there were snakes, I'd be afraid to venture too near my yard, also! I don't think snake phobia is so uncommon. Does anyone here actually LIKE snakes?

I'm afraid of fire because someone used to tease me with matches when I was a child. My T said we could do EMDR on that. It's something more defined like your snake phobia so maybe it would work the way it's supposed to.

Does your T use the buzzers or something else? Did you talk during the whole time? My T controlled the buzzers (vibrations) that I held in my hands, and at intervals she would stop and ask me what I felt or saw. It was weird, more like free association than concentrating on the target. But it got me to where I need to be, I think. Nothing else has come up except the insight that I've never been able to come out and say those words about my mother in that childish way. I shy away from talking about feelings about my Mom though it's the most important issue! Bt (former T) was not my Mom! So I am getting to what I need to though I didn't expect to in this way. My subconscious said what I couldn't face to face with a T. It has nothing to do with the target and positive or negative feelings, but oh, it does make me feel better somehow, that it's out in the open because the words just jumped out at me!

I know I'm thinking and writing too much about this, but it blows my mind, kind of. How I kept saying I have to talk about Bt and my feelings for her, and how I have to resolve the attachment because it's so painful, etc. Then I do EMDR about something else and what I get is "I want Mommy."

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Does anyone here actually LIKE snakes?

not me boy, had nightmares about them when a kid.

When I was about 45, on one sunny, warm-ish Feb. morning, I was helping my DH pick up pine cones from the front yard. After a while I reached for one and a little garden snake (about 10 inches) rose straight up into the air, right next to my hand, it was coming out of a small hibernation hole into the sunshine. I found out that I can scream just like in the movies.

[complic8d]

rainbow- My t has me watch her fingers moving slowly back and forth. (At one point I was so slumped down sideways, she said I would have to sit up straghter because she couldn't move her fingers that way-lol) We'll start with the subject, then she does that about a minute while I think/feel. Then I say what came up, and we repeat that. We don't talk a whole lot really during it. I had some other insights but tried to stay on the topic- I really want to get over this phobia! Last evening was weird because I was really in "little girl" mode and was just acting silly, even in chat. I don't know if that had anything to do with it, but I felt good! (I am in no way ready to go traipsing across the lawn however!)

And, to add, I have that "I want Mommy" feeling a lot, and it's not "I want MY Mommy" but A Mommy, and I am quite attached to my t. I think it is giving us what we didn't get as children, although I find that a strong attachment can hurt too, that longing is intense. I know we have to learn to parent ourselves, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet.

sawe- Thanks! (I think ) I hate those stories, but at least I'm not the only one that can scream like that!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by complic8d

Thanks! (I think ) I hate those stories

I'm sorry. I do know how you feel.

Today we live where the back yard of our house is a woodland with a big creek running through it.
I have proposed a deal to the you know whats; in the fall & winter they must hibernate so I can take a book down to the big flat rock and read while the water flows past me on both sides (remember me, sittingatwatersedge?) and in the spring & summer I will stay the **** out of the creek, but if they come into the yard they're dead.

So far no problems. (Barbecued ribs, anyone?)

[complic8d]

sawe- We have a little dock on our pond. So I go to the edge of the deck, scan the area for a few minutes, and then sprint to the dock. I feel safe out at the end and I feed the fish. To get back I have to scan, then sprint again. Wonder what the neighbors think! Oh, well!

I love to be by the water too, it's my place of peace in the summer. (Well, peaceful after and before the sprinting!)

Take care,
comp