[Dani]

I feel so overwhelmed with everything in my life right now. I'm a full time college student and I just started a part time job a few weeks ago and I'm afraid of not being able to handle it all. My biggest fear of all is failure. And I feel like I have to try to be strong and do all of these things to keep myself busy or I'll end up like I did before....alone and cooped up in my house afraid to leave and be around people. A couple of years ago that's what my life was. And since then I've gotten help and have made so much progress I'm just afraid of messing it up and losing control.

Two weeks ago I turned 30 and I had told myself years ago that if I didn't make changes in my life I was going to kill myself. Because I didn't feel like there was any point to living if all I did was stay inside my house and shut the whole world out. Luckily I made it to 30 and didn't go through with it. But it's still in the back of my mind that if I mess things up, then suicide will always be a way out for me. Even just today I was stressed because of projects I have due for the end of the semester and my job is taking up a lot of my time, and a part of me just wanted to pull my car into my garage and leave it running. It took a lot for me to turn the ignition off and get out of the car. I hate thinking that suicide will always be my answer if things get too hard.

Tomorrow I see my T and I don't even know how to begin the session. So much has been going on with me this past week and I'm so overwhelmed with everything. I wish I could open up to her more so I didn't feel like I'm struggling alone.

[WePow]

Hey Dani. First I hope it is ok to give you a hug? Here you go
A week ago today I was in the same mental place where you are now - not that I am you - but just that it was too close of a call and I will leave it at that. What I wanted to share is that I found this group and you can email them if you feel SU and can not reach your T or whatever... jo@samaritans.org It has helped me out a lot - just to be honest and write what is true.

I am sorry you feel so alone. Maybe just sending an email to this group will help break the ice and you can show it to your T?

(((((((((((Dani))))))))))))

I'm sorry it's so overwhelming right now. I know that when I get really overwhelmed, it's SO hard to see my way out.

About the sui thoughts....I am practicing "throwing away" my first thought. Today, I had to take a klonopin before a dentist appt, and I thought "hey, I could take the whole bottle and be done with all of this". THAT was my first thought. SO, I recognized it, acknowledged it, and moved on to my NEXT thought. Which was to put the pills back in the cabinet and go get ready for the dentist.

I'm an alcoholic and can't drink, and tonight when I was making dinner, i opened the fridge and saw H's beer and my first thought was "I could drink that and finally be numb". SO. Recognized it, acknowledged it, and moved on to the next thought....to close the fridge and start cleaning corn.

I don't know if that's helpful to you at all, and if it's not, please toss it. I know that for me, I tend to get really kind of freaked out by the repeated thoughts I have of sui and of abusing drugs/alcohol. Once I started throwing out my first thought, those repeated thoughts got less scary. They just feel like thoughts...not precursors to actions, which is what I used to be afraid of. Like...if I keep thinking this, does it mean I'll do it eventually?! Now it just feels more like a habitual way of thinking that I can set aside.

As for T, could you say to her exactly what you said at the end of your post? "I don't even know how to begin the session. So much has been going on with me this past week and I'm so overwhelmed with everything. I wish I could open up to (you) more so I didn't feel like I'm struggling alone."

[Dani]

Thanks for both of your responses. I'm trying to keep myself distracted. I went for a bike ride and now just got back from the grocery store. My mind is going a million miles a minute, one minute I think I can get through all of this and the next I'm feeling like I'm drowning. I feel like no matter what I do I'm meant to die. I just feel like a worthless person who does everything wrong and nobody likes or wants around. Somebody just please tell me I'm not alone and that I'll get through this.

[WePow]

Dani - the honest truth is that you really are NOT alone. And if you want to get through it - then you can do it. It is something that is on the inside of you that is hurting. Going for the bike ride was an excellent choice of action. Keep on fighting for yourself.

(((((((Dani)))))))

You're not alone, and you CAN do this. You ARE doing it.

[mobius]

Did you stop to give yourself credit for reaching 30 and going on? (From your post title.) I had had similar thoughts when I was younger, which were more about not believing I'd actually live to see 25 (because I was so very suicidal). Here I am, 32, and still alive. Tree is right - you ARE doing it. You're not at all alone.

[deliquesce]

dani, i'm here and gently egging you on. you're doing well. it's difficult, but you're doing it, and i'm proud of you for trying.
i relate to a lot of what you wrote in your first post. how sui is always sort of the back up plan. especially when it comes to finals, assessments etc. i'm studying too. and working (but only a casual job). maybe you can talk to your T about how to manage all these responsibilities - that might be opening yourself up but not too much? it can be difficult when we've shut people out for so long.
i'm really glad you reached out here, though. this can be your safe space to come back and we'll be here to encourage you always .

[imapatient]

Dani, the key to where you're at right now is here:

Originally Posted by Dani

I'm a full time college student and I just started a part time job a few weeks ago

You made a major change in taking on a part-time job. That's a big adjustment, and it (the job duties itself, location, boss, time, etc.) might be too much right now or ever. Maybe not a good here and now or ever.

You must have finals coming up soon, ongoing, or just ended so that's a big stressor.

Full-time school and part-time work is a big burden. I did it, too (as did others here), and went back to college at 26 to finish the BA. Going back to college after being out 6 years was a big adjustment. I imagine you'd been out for a while so being in college itself might be a big adjustment for you.

Think about the adjustment to the job as being the big issue here, not big picture questions about the meaning and value of your life. You can do it.

[WePow]

Dani - hope you are still doing ok.

[Dani]

Thanks, I'm doing okay. Tuesday night I called the crisis line for the mental health center and talked to a counselor and that helped. And I talked to my T on Wednesday and we discussed my feelings and my schedule and I'm feeling somewhat better. There's two weeks left of the semester so hopefully things will calm down a bit. Thanks for the encouragement and support.