[shoez]

Im sorry im posting all over the place

My T wanted me to talk about my biological father,( the one who physically abused me). I hate calling it abuse, I dont feel like it was, I feel like im "Playing victim" calling it that. Anyway, For some reason I cannot talk about these things in a normal way, I couldnt look at her. I kept digging my hands into the couch and staring at the floor. She asked me the worst question anyone can ask, "How did he punish you"...and when I told her how, she then asked me "and what did he do with ______ (object he punished me with)" I was so ashamed. My whole body started shaking and I couldnt stop myself from cringing, I kept making these jerky movements that I couldnt control. How stupid must I have looked, like some crazy wierdo who cant control herself.
I hate that, I started to panic and feel like I was being stupid for telling.
Like I made it up or something. I was thrown into a flashback and I started crying and my T had to go get some tissues for me and I keep replaying the session and I feel so pathetic and dumb.

So stupid and retarded for crying about this, I just feel like now im in trouble because I told, I wasnt supposed to to tell. I must have looked so dumb crying. I mean Im probably the stupidest patient she has because she didnt even have tissues out. I hate myself so much for being so damn pathetic. When I was little , every time I cried my parents would mock me and say "Dont act like you're little miss innocent"

I feel like they are right. I just hate myself so much for crying and jerking around like a dumb idiot. Im embarassed to see my T again, I wish I could take the whole session back and tell her I lied and my childhood was freaking normal.

[Ithinkimpsycho]

There, there. ((((((shoez)))))
It's good that you got all of that out of your system. The therapist is trying to help you and he needs to know these things in order to meet those ends. The worst thing you can do is keep something tragic in your life away from your therapist. I know a lot of people who have done this and, trust me, they regret it. Besides, every one needs a good cry. You feel better afterwords.

[peaches100]

((((((Shoez))))))

Oh my gosh, Shoez! I felt so much compassion for you as i was reading your words. The thing that really stands out for me is how very, very hard on yourself you are! You are not "stupid" or "pathetic" or "dumb." Nor are you "playing victim." If your father beat you, that's physical abuse. You may not like calling it that, but think for a minute about your response to talking about it. You said you were "shaking" and "jerking" and "cringing" as you thought about what happened. That tells me that you remember feeling very fearful. Your physical reaction of shaking and jerking do not make you a "crazy weirdo." They are stress reactions, possibly PTSD reactions from what you went through. Your t most certainly would not think you were strange or odd to have done that. Far from thinking you "made it up," your reactions would verify for her that you indeed did suffer abuse. Please don't feel badly about the physical jerking, crying, etc. I'm sure your t has seen this type of thing many times. I think that seeing this would cause your t to feel compassion. She would not "mock" you the way your family did. You will learn over time that it is safe and OK to express your feelings with your t. She will not react the way your family did. It's really OK.

How sad for the little girl you were, who was so afraid of dad's anger! Reading about it makes me want to put my arms around you and hug you and protect you. Nowhere in my mind do the words "stupid" even begin to come up. I hope you can learn over time, by working with your t, that you need not be afraid or ashamed.

The first time telling is really the hardest. I felt much the way you describe the first time I disclosed any of my abuse story to my T....

My hope for you is that you will go to your next session and see for yourself that your T is happy to see you. She does not think you are pathetic or dumb in the slightest bit. I bet she thinks you are very brave, very smart, and wounded, and in need of all the compassion and self-love in the world. That is the truth.

[googley]

(((((Shoez)))))

It can be so scary talking about abuse. Even admitting that it was abuse. You are so strong to share what happened with your T. Your T totally understands your reaction. Crying is a totally normal response. Please take care of yourself.

[elliemay]

Look, I'm going to say this as gently, yet as forcefully as I possibly can.

That shame you feel does not belong to you. You do not have to carry it. The people who hurt you? That shame is theirs. Give it back.

That shame you feel does not belong to you. You do not have to carry it. The people who hurt you? That shame is theirs. Give it back.

There is nothing, and I mean nothing to be embarrassed about. You did nothing wrong. That child did its best to keep you alive and here to heal. Her work is nothing to be embarrassed about. To me, it is miraculous. And guess what? That child is you.

And here you are, working through it, taking positive steps to better your life and be free from the past. Here you are, dealing with, coping with it and alive and trying to prosper. The therapist walk with you on your path. You get to walk at your own speed, you get to chose the path to take.

Shame? Embarrassment? Denial? No way. YOU are a gift. YOU are a miracle. Please don't disappear.

[skeksi]

I was exactly the same way the first, like, couple dozen times I shared the details of my abuse. I was a twitchy, ashamed mess for a long while. But the more you share about it, the more you talk about it and understand how you were hurt by what was going on in your house, the less ashamed and scared you will be.

What helped me was realizing that I could say, "I was abused," without necessarily saying my family was monsters. For me that was really important. I had a terrible family situation for many complicated reasons, and it sucked that I was abused and that no one protected me. I was blameless, and lots of people should have behaved better or intervened. The key here is to focus on our innate goodness, our innate worth. You are a jewel, and looking honestly at your upbringing doesn't diminish that.

[WePow]

(((( shoez ))))) I understand that feeling. It is not easy. But you are doing GREAT! Just keep on being honest.

[Elysium]

Not only did your parents hurt and abuse you when you were a child.....they also taught you and programmed you to hurt and abuse yourself FOR THEM now that you are grown.

When I hear you judge yourself so harshly....when I hear you punish yourself, and I hear the self loathing in your words....I can imagine your parents saying those same things to you. And I can hear my parents saying them....because they did it to me too.

Love yourself. You are not a freak. Your body is responding physiologically to the fear, torment, and terror that was inflicted upon you by the two people who were supposed to hold you dear and keep you the most safe and secure. They didn't do that....and in not doing that...they have taught you how to not do it for yourself.

There's no easy way through. Never will be. But allowing yourself to love and respect you will help light your path so it won't be so dark anymore.

I know...easier said than done. Like me, you were never taught how to love yourself...just programmed how to hate yourself. Let T help you learn and heal.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Dear Shoez,

Peaches has said exactly what I want to tell you, except to add that this awful subject, now that you have opened it to light and air, will begin to lose its power over you. It may not seem like it right now but I know from my own experience it's true.

Please be gentle with yourself - but be brave and let T help you understand how together you two can work on this past, that has hurt you so much for so long.

Sweet hugs to you

[jdajda]

Sounds to me like your parents really brainwashed you, and your therapist wants to undo it. Please just let her help you and take it easy as much as you can.
Maybe you could make a pact with us that each time you start beating yourself up over what THEY did, you will write about it or do whatever you think is best to stop it. Hugs, Janis

[shoez]

I didnt think so many people would think opposite. I am trying really hard to realize when I start beating myself up. Its just that, I dont feel like its my parents anymore, I feel like its real, im really just pathetic. Its so hard not to feel that way. And to be honest, hearing all these nice responses was comforting but at the same time I started feeling like I manipulated everyone into being nice or something. I wish I could understand when I deserve things or not because every time people said nice things to me, my parents , one of them would turn around and say "They only said that because they dont know the monster you really are". So when people are nice I think I manipulated them into thinking im good. Its so frustrating, im sorry if im difficult and I post a lot. Im going to try not to beat myself up as much, I know my T cares. I guess im just scared of her caring about me. When I told her about my father she said "You were an innocent victim" and I got so scared that I lept foward in my chair and I said "DONT SAY THAT" because thats what my mom used to say "oh you think your the poor little victim, little miss innocent" I got so scared my mom would know. Im so tired, its so exhausting to not know whats true or not. The only thing I try to keep repeating to myself now is all your nice posts, I hope they sink in. Also what my T said... Before we finished the session, she asked me if I knew what unconditional love was, and I said yes....and she said "Thats what a mother's love is supposed to be, im sure your parents love you, but they never showed you unconditional love my dear".

Im going to try to keep these good things you guys said and just take them without any doubts from my parents...ill try my best. I honestly dont know what I would do without PC. Thank you so much

[skeksi]

I am trying really hard to realize when I start beating myself up. Its just that, I dont feel like its my parents anymore, I feel like its real, im really just pathetic.

This is the most twisted part about growing up in an abusive situation. It has happened so much, we believe that what was said and done to us was deserved. We learned our lessons so very, very well {{{shoez}}}

I'm glad that you are trying to hear the caring from other people. We are responding to you this way not because you've tricked us into thinking you are good, but because we know from our own lives that we are all good and we've been tricked into feeling otherwise. You're not alone, shoez. This is scary and hard, but your T is there and other people are here for you, too.

Be very gentle with yourself.

[Sannah]

Shoez, keep going to therapy and talk to your T okay?

[susan888]

((Shoez))

It was never you fault....It's very, very hard to tell that secret and even harder to realize that there are people in this world (even those we love and trust the most) that have the capability to hurt you so much....and to place the blame on you...and make you belive it....so typical of an abuser. But...it hurts..it makes you doubt yourself...but, that is their intention.

You are innocent...you were created that way...there are sick people in this world that prey on the innocent and weak...please try to see that it was their failing.

You are in my thoughts tonight....

[lily99]

((((((((shoez))))))))