[peaches100]

I was reading a description of my personality type, based on the Myers-Briggs personality test. I sent it to my t and asked her if she thought the description fit me. . .and also how she thought that trauma would affect somebody with this personality type. Would it cause them to have issues such as I have?

She replied that she didn't know the answer to my questions, and asked me what i thought.

For some reason, this is really bothering me. It's bothering me that she doesn't have some kind of answer. She always has some kind of response, idea, or something! She has never told me before that she just flat out doesn't know something.

For some reason, it's making me feel really scared. I need to know that she has some kind of insight or knowledge beyond what i know. Otherwise, why am i paying her to help me? The idea that she wouldn't know anything more than i know really scares me.

[peaches100]

I have a gut feeling that my email (the description) was too long for her to want to read and respond to, and that's why she didn't have an answer. Should i ask her if this was the case? Should i tell her it really scares me when she says she doesn't have an answer?

[Sannah]

Peaches, maybe you want a big strong person to be safe and take care of you and when T just turns out to be herself and not your savior it is scary? This makes total sense to me. I can see this as resulting from a childhood where you weren't properly taken care of, where no one was really in charge taking care of things so that you could feel safe.

Can you accept that she really just doesn't have an answer to that question? An answer to that question would at best be just a guess. She probably doesn't want to delve into the realm of guessing.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I have a gut feeling that my email (the description) was too long for her to want to read and respond to, and that's why she didn't have an answer. Should i ask her if this was the case? Should i tell her it really scares me when she says she doesn't have an answer?

I think part of her lack of response could be because it was an email, and perhaps she wanted to respond quickly with a less than complete answer because she knows you get upset if she takes too long to respond. I think it would be helpful to discuss such a complicated question together, in person, rather than by email. Perhaps together, you can explore this, and come up with some ideas. Have you ever discussed with her before your expectation that she have the answers to everything? I am sure she would be the first to let you know she is not omniscient. I hope you can have that talk now.

[Perna]

The Myers Briggs is a real personality test that can only be scored by a professional trained by them to score the test. So, any "based on" test you took, especially online, is kind of like taking an online IQ test. Your T is probably not all that familiar with the Myers Briggs and speculating how that ties in with your therapy (not what it's used for, it's a "social" test to help professionals get along with other team members, i.e., doctors to work well with nurses, etc.) doesn't really make a lot of sense.

Next session, I'd ask her how much she knows about the Myers Briggs and if two can explore it and if it might help your therapy, if she knows an agency that gives it so you can get a professionally scored test, etc.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Peaches, maybe you want a big strong person to be safe and take care of you and when T just turns out to be herself and not your savior it is scary? This makes total sense to me. I can see this as resulting from a childhood where you weren't properly taken care of, where no one was really in charge taking care of things so that you could feel safe.

Sannah,

In some ways, you are probably right. My mom and dad didn't give us much training or help growing up. So it's important to me now to understand and have answers -- and if i don't understand something, i need to feel that i can get the knowledge or answers i need from someone else who does have that information.

I don't think i expect my t to know *everything,* but i do count on her to know more than i do about my mental health because she's in the profession and i'm going to her for help. To hear her say she doesn't know about something that feels important to me, and that i am not sure about myself, gives me a scared feeling in my stomach -- almost like i'm suddenly floating alone in space with no set direction or known course, and like nothing in the world is set or known, and everything is relative. It scares the crap out of me. Does this make sense?

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Can you accept that she really just doesn't have an answer to that question? An answer to that question would at best be just a guess. She probably doesn't want to delve into the realm of guessing.

Hi Farmergirl,

Well, I emailed her and told her that it bothered me that she didn't give me an answer or at least provide an opinion, idea, or response of some sort like she usually does.

She replied that she had thought i was asking her about it because i actually had some ideas/thoughts myself about it. So that's why she turned it around and asked what i thought. () Then she told me that, yes, she thought much of the personality description fit me, and which parts. So i was right, she did have a response. It bugs me that she didn't just share that to start with when i asked.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I think part of her lack of response could be because it was an email, and perhaps she wanted to respond quickly with a less than complete answer because she knows you get upset if she takes too long to respond. I think it would be helpful to discuss such a complicated question together, in person, rather than by email. Perhaps together, you can explore this, and come up with some ideas. Have you ever discussed with her before your expectation that she have the answers to everything? I am sure she would be the first to let you know she is not omniscient. I hope you can have that talk now.

Sunrise,
What you said makes sense. To answer my question completely would take a long time. Maybe you are right that she felt she should send some kind of reply to let me know she got the email, but did not feel (for whatever reason) that she wanted to "get into it." It sort of hurt my feelings. But she's been so good to work with and is so nice, i can accept it. I'm just so used to her having *some* kind of answer or insight. This is maybe the first time she has said she doesn't know something i've asked about. So it kind of threw me for a loop. Like i said, i don't expect her to know *everything,* i just thought she'd know *something* about it.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Perna

The Myers Briggs is a real personality test that can only be scored by a professional trained by them to score the test. So, any "based on" test you took, especially online, is kind of like taking an online IQ test. Your T is probably not all that familiar with the Myers Briggs and speculating how that ties in with your therapy (not what it's used for, it's a "social" test to help professionals get along with other team members, i.e., doctors to work well with nurses, etc.) doesn't really make a lot of sense.

Next session, I'd ask her how much she knows about the Myers Briggs and if two can explore it and if it might help your therapy, if she knows an agency that gives it so you can get a professionally scored test, etc.

Hi Perna,

I know it's an actual test to be scored by a professional, but there are about 4 tests online that simulate the Myers-Briggs, and every one of them has scored me the same. So most likely, it would be right, wouldn't it?

I think my t told me once before she is not familiar with the Myers-Briggs test. But i wasn't actually asking her anything about the test. I just pasted in a description of my result (personality type) and asked her if it sounded like me and/or if traumatic events for this personality type would result in issues such as mine? I thought she would know the answer. Maybe i expect too much. In any case, i guess it was inappropriate and too involved a subject for an email, which was my fault.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by peaches100

To hear her say she doesn't know about something that feels important to me, and that i am not sure about myself, gives me a scared feeling in my stomach

-- almost like i'm suddenly floating alone in space with no set direction or known course, and like nothing in the world is set or known, and everything is relative. It scares the crap out of me. Does this make sense?

Yes, this makes sense to me. Is it like you don't have an anchor?

[Perna]

I'd read their stuff http://www.myersbriggs.org/type-use-...rsonal-growth/ and maybe print out some of it to discuss with your T since it really interests you.

I always use to feel embarrassed when I'd ask my T something and there wasn't a connection/response. I felt like it showed I didn't know how to communicate with other people (one of my issues) and didn't know how to converse/start a conversation or something; like I had asked a complicated question that didn't have a simple answer but had been given a yes/no answer anyway and so was confused and didn't know where to go next.

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Farmergirl,

Well, I emailed her and told her that it bothered me that she didn't give me an answer or at least provide an opinion, idea, or response of some sort like she usually does.

She replied that she had thought i was asking her about it because i actually had some ideas/thoughts myself about it. So that's why she turned it around and asked what i thought. () Then she told me that, yes, she thought much of the personality description fit me, and which parts. So i was right, she did have a response. It bugs me that she didn't just share that to start with when i asked.

She wanted to allow you to think for yourself rather than interjecting her thoughts and perhaps negating your own thinking. Pretty standard therapy practice.

[complic8d]

Just my own thoughts.
I believe the personality that would show up on a test like that would be the personality I am because of the trauma. I believe if I did not go through the things I did I maybe would have "turned out" differently. I'm not sure my true personality was allowed to flourish, but instead "traded in" for one that would keep me "safe". Does this make any sense? In other words, if the test showed that I am introverted, does that mean that I was born that way, or that is what developed?
Just some thoughts!

from the philosophical comp

[skeksi]

She replied that she had thought i was asking her about it because i actually had some ideas/thoughts myself about it. So that's why she turned it around and asked what i thought. () Then she told me that, yes, she thought much of the personality description fit me, and which parts. So i was right, she did have a response. It bugs me that she didn't just share that to start with when i asked.

Another way to look at it might be that when you asked a question, she tried to give you what she thought you wanted (an opportunity to share your own thoughts). When you corrected her and told her what you wanted, to hear her thoughts, she gave them to you.

What a good opportunity you had to ask for your needs to be met! This is excellent practice. (Or maybe I am a Pollyanna, who knows

[sugahorse1]

I think it's important to keep remembering that every person is unique - we cannot stereotype people into personality types. While the superficial explanations pertaining to a personality type may be applicable, we will all react differently to various situations.
I think maybe your T just wasn't prepared to compartmentalise you - but rather see you for the person you are and not the personality type you may be.

[peaches100]

Sannah said,

Is it like you don't have an anchor?

Absolutely! Yes, this is exactly how it feels.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Perna

I'd read their stuff http://www.myersbriggs.org/type-use-...rsonal-growth/ and maybe print out some of it to discuss with your T since it really interests you.

I always use to feel embarrassed when I'd ask my T something and there wasn't a connection/response. I felt like it showed I didn't know how to communicate with other people (one of my issues) and didn't know how to converse/start a conversation or something; like I had asked a complicated question that didn't have a simple answer but had been given a yes/no answer anyway and so was confused and didn't know where to go next.

Perna,

Thanks for the link! I'll definitely check it out. Can i ask, how did you manage to work through your embarrassment when you'd ask your t a question and there wasn't an answer or connection/respose? Did you tell your t you felt embarrassed/uneasy? Did they tell you why they didn't respond to what you said?

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

She wanted to allow you to think for yourself rather than interjecting her thoughts and perhaps negating your own thinking. Pretty standard therapy practice.

Hi Farmergirl,

I did wonder if that might be the reason. . .

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by complic8d

Just my own thoughts.
I believe the personality that would show up on a test like that would be the personality I am because of the trauma. I believe if I did not go through the things I did I maybe would have "turned out" differently. I'm not sure my true personality was allowed to flourish, but instead "traded in" for one that would keep me "safe". Does this make any sense? In other words, if the test showed that I am introverted, does that mean that I was born that way, or that is what developed?
Just some thoughts!

from the philosophical comp

Hi Complic8ed,

Wow! Your post made me scratch my head and think! I understand what you're saying. Like if we hadn't gone through traumas, wouldn't our personality be different, so we'd test as a different type? I hadn't thought of that until you mentioned it. I don't know the answer, but i can certainly see how that could be true. Hmmm. It kind of brings up the whole "nature versus nurture" debate, huh? Interesting to think about. . .

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by skeksi

Another way to look at it might be that when you asked a question, she tried to give you what she thought you wanted (an opportunity to share your own thoughts). When you corrected her and told her what you wanted, to hear her thoughts, she gave them to you.

What a good opportunity you had to ask for your needs to be met! This is excellent practice. (Or maybe I am a Pollyanna, who knows

Hi Skeksi,

Her explanation for why she didn't reply did sound like what you said. . .that she thought i had some ideas about it that i wanted to express. So, yeah, in a way, i guess i could see it in a positive light. . . that she may have been inviting me to share my thoughts and feelings about it. I'm really bad about seeing things in a negative light, so instantly thought "She just doesn't want to take the time to read my email and respond, so is turning the question back on me.) I'm glad that when i told her i really was seeking her thoughts on the personality thing, she went ahead and shared them with me.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I think it's important to keep remembering that every person is unique - we cannot stereotype people into personality types. While the superficial explanations pertaining to a personality type may be applicable, we will all react differently to various situations.
I think maybe your T just wasn't prepared to compartmentalise you - but rather see you for the person you are and not the personality type you may be.

Hi Sugahorse,

That is also a possibility i hadn't thought of. My t isn't the type to stereotype or label. . .she told me early in my treatment that she doesn't use the BPD label because her patients find it punitive. I think she does try to see each person as a unique individual. I agree that people are too complicated to divide them into only 16 types, but i think the INFJ description for me does fit me at least in general. I think i've always found personality tests fascinating because i don't have a good sense of what kind of person i am. . .or how i would seem to other people. I guess i am trying to understand myself.

[Sannah]

When babies are growing up they use their parents as a safe base. They go out a bit and explore but they know that their safe base is close by if needed. This is our anchor. If a child gets this early on and continues to have access to their safe base, they can grow up healthy and secure. If you don't get this safe base while little or continue to have it while growing up it doesn't feel very good. When you describe how scared you got when your T didn't have an answer it made me think of this safe base that you didn't have while growing up. That parent who made everything okay and looked out for you and helped you to feel safe and taken care of.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Perna,

Thanks for the link! I'll definitely check it out. Can i ask, how did you manage to work through your embarrassment when you'd ask your t a question and there wasn't an answer or connection/respose? Did you tell your t you felt embarrassed/uneasy? Did they tell you why they didn't respond to what you said?

There's always occasional disconnects with other people and nothing every stays the same. Being "dropped" by another or "stalling" in a conversation is a type of learning exercise, I think.

I learned, over time and with hard work with my T, that I had not done anything wrong, so there was no need to feel embarrassed. Feeling embarrassed was, in my case, left over from how my stepmother and I interacted and how there were questions I wasn't supposed to ask. In reality, there are no such questions; one can learn to be the little girl with the Emperor's New Clothes and ask any question about any subject one wants information on.

I also learned there can be many reasons for the drop/stall; the other person can be speechless with their own thought processes :-) And a drop/stall does not last forever, the conversation somehow picks up again. It's like when T goes away on vacation and the first session back, the first 5 minutes are so uncomfortable because one is not sure if the T has changed or you have changed or whether things are going to still work, and one may still be angry at T for going away in the first place and want to "punish" (like a child) by not talking, etc. All these things are normal and temporary and, over time and with lots of such experiences I learned they don't change the relationship with the other person and that I can deal with them adequately (so won't sit, embarrassed, forever :-)

That's what therapy is to me, learning to deal with the situations that occur in one's life, whatever they are, as they occur, adequately, as defined by one's self.