[darkrunner]

I've been spiraling lately......given up in a lot of ways and stopped trying. Almost back at my lowest weight again.
My T said this 'level of care' is not working for me.
She gave me 3 options:

1. inpatient treatment
2. end therapy with her - she said she can't keep seeing me as I continue to lose weight because she could be held legally responsible
3. 'Choose' to fight against the eating disorder. Choose recovery. Do what I need to do - which is to eat and gain weight - even though it feels awful. She said I need to choose to use the skills I was taught in IP, Partial, Residential, indiv and group therapy, etc. She said she can help facilitate my recovery, but she can't make me decide to do it.

I can't go back to the hospital.
I don't want to stop therapy. I feel like she is my last hope. I feel like if I stop therapy, I will be a lost cause.....like she is the only thing standing in the way of me and my self-destruction.
But I don't think I can choose recovery either. My ED is who I am. Everything else about myself was taken away by my abuser.

I don't know what to do. I know I could say that I choose #3 and keep doing what I've been doing, but I don't want to be dishonest and that would be pointless anyway, because she would eventually catch on.
And if don't choose anything, that is a choice in itself.

I feel like my T doesn't care, she wants to get rid of me, she doesn't care about me, she knows I can't do this. I feel like I've been cornered and I'm being forced to choose an option, but I don't want any of them. I feel trapped, panicked, and scared.

What should I do? Is there any way out of this?
She didn't even say she would see me next week.
She told me to call her or drop her an email to let her know what I decided.

[velcro003]

Dark. I don't see this as your T not wanting to see you, or giving up on you. Her sole job is to make sure YOU are ok. She can't continue to treat you if you go deeper and deeper into the hole. She needs to make sure you are safe, and those are the options. If you keep losing weight and not helping yourself, the hospital will help. And if you choose to fight, she can help you in that fight, wants to help you!

This was probably a difficult decision for her to make, but she can't ethically/morally let you decline without you getting the help you need...however it may be. I hope you choose to fight, either by choosing the hospital if you need that extra help, or really focusing on trying to get out of the dark place you're in.

I know my words are SO much easier said than done...I do. I just don't think your T wants to get rid of you, she wants to help.

[WePow]

(((((( darkrunner ))))) I think Velcro hits the nail on the head. It is not easy for a T to draw the line, but something had to happen to help you out. You share "My ED is who I am. Everything else about myself was taken away by my abuser. "

Hearing that breaks my heart because I do understand it so well. I feel that way about my dissociation. My abuser took everything else away from me! My ONLY thing that I had left was my alters!!! I get so angry when my T acts like I "choose" to be DID or to have my alters come out. So I understand you with that.

The thing is that you will need to choose which path you are going to walk. You CAN use your skills and make progress. But it will not be easy. The payoff is that you will be able to have your T alongside you for the journey.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

I've been spiraling lately......given up in a lot of ways and stopped trying. Almost back at my lowest weight again.
My T said this 'level of care' is not working for me.
She gave me 3 options:

1. inpatient treatment
2. end therapy with her - she said she can't keep seeing me as I continue to lose weight because she could be held legally responsible
3. 'Choose' to fight against the eating disorder. Choose recovery. Do what I need to do - which is to eat and gain weight - even though it feels awful. She said I need to choose to use the skills I was taught in IP, Partial, Residential, indiv and group therapy, etc. She said she can help facilitate my recovery, but she can't make me decide to do it.

I can't go back to the hospital.
I don't want to stop therapy. I feel like she is my last hope. I feel like if I stop therapy, I will be a lost cause.....like she is the only thing standing in the way of me and my self-destruction.
But I don't think I can choose recovery either. My ED is who I am. Everything else about myself was taken away by my abuser.

I don't know what to do. I know I could say that I choose #3 and keep doing what I've been doing, but I don't want to be dishonest and that would be pointless anyway, because she would eventually catch on.
And if don't choose anything, that is a choice in itself.

I feel like my T doesn't care, she wants to get rid of me, she doesn't care about me, she knows I can't do this. I feel like I've been cornered and I'm being forced to choose an option, but I don't want any of them. I feel trapped, panicked, and scared.

What should I do? Is there any way out of this?
She didn't even say she would see me next week.
She told me to call her or drop her an email to let her know what I decided.

I cant tell you what to do only you can decide that. but I would like to point out to you mental disorders are not who a person is. I am not a Dissociative Identity Disorder, I am not an eating disorder, I am not a post traumatic stress disorder. what I am is a person with dissociative disorders, I am a person with bulimia/anorexia, And I dont consider you to be an eating disorder. You may "have" an eating disorder but thats not who you are.

my suggestion read all your past posts here and make a list of all the things you have said you like, dislike, how you respond to people here, whether or not you have feelings, The sum of a person is all that. From what I can see you are a kind considerate person who tries to help others, who just happens to have an eating problem to deal with.

I think once you try and reorganize your thinking and understand mental disorders dont define a person (you were a person before you had the eating disorder) you will be able to make the decision that is best for you.

Originally Posted by darkrunner

My ED is who I am. Everything else about myself was taken away by my abuser.

(((((((((((((darkrunner))))))))))))))

I wonder if this is true, or if this just FEELS true? Sometimes, for me, it can be so hard to tell the difference.

I remember once I was sitting with T and telling him that I had NO idea who i really was. I was drinking water out of a mason jar (because I am too cheap to buy new cups! lol) and T pointed to that, and told me that I am a person who likes simple things. He gave me lots of examples of that, starting with the jar. From there, he told me some other things about myself, and it was like this light bulb went on....I'm NOT the SA, or my bad coping skills...and even with a fragmented self, there is this underlying set of things that all of my parts have in common....I think realizing that was a turning point for me.

I don't think that you ARE your ED, darkrunner. I know that you are a wife, mother, employee, daughter. I know that you are a good friend, that you are kind and compassionate and honest. What else? What do you like/dislike? What is your favorite thing to do on the weekend? What books do you like? Look around your house...if it were someone else's house, what would it tell you about them? ALL of that (and more) makes up who you are. Your ED is a symptom of pain that you feel. Behind the ED is YOU...just like behind the clouds is the sun. The clouds don't make the sun go away; the ED doesn't make "you" go away.

If you need inpatient, I hope you will allow yourself to go. I know that last time you went, it was a positive experience. Sometimes we need to do things more than once, especially when we are learning new skills. I am a musician; when I learn a new instrument, I can't take one lesson and expect to be able to play the instrument. I need to return to my teacher, and I need to practice, and the learning just takes time. For you, this is a matter of life and death. Let yourself go back to your teacher if you need to.

Be gentle with you. You are a good person. You are not a disorder.

to you

[darkrunner]

Velcro - Thank you for saying all that. I know you are right and that she has no other choice. It feels awful but I understand it. I knew this point was coming.

WePow - you are so amazing, because you have made the choice to get better, to feel all of the pain so that you can heal from it. That is such a brave thing to do. I honestly don't know how you do it. Every time I have decided to take that path, it is so hard and scary and it feels so awful, that I turn around and run the other way. I am just not strong enough. I think that is selfish of me but once I get to that point it is like a reflex - like pulling my hand away from a hot stove. To move forward through all the pain is unbelievably hard.
You are right though, I can choose to do it. Although, just thinking about it makes me feel sick, anxious and worried.

Amandalouise - that is what my T said - that I am not my mental disorder. I think I want to define myself that way because it feels like it is all I have left. Maybe I want to fill myself up with that because I feel like I deserve it. You are very kind to say nice things about me but for me the bad things are easier to believe. When I look at my old posts, I am very critical and self-deprecating. In fact I haven't been posting on PC for a long time because I feel like everything I say is stupid and just comes out all wrong. This is how I feel IRL too - and I constantly berate myself for everything I say and do. Sorry I am rambling there.
As you say, I do need to reorganize my thoughts. My T uses CBT and those are the skills I need to use to recover - to identify thought distortions and use thought restructuring. I want to make the right decision.

Thank you all for responding.
I don't deserve your understanding and advice, but I really appreciate it.

[darkrunner]

Treehouse - we crossposted.
There is a lot of wisdom in your words.
I love the way your T knows you and helped you realize that about yourself. He has a wonderful way of working with you. And your willingness is admirable. As my T pointed out, I am not willing; I am willful.

T tried to get me to think about what I liked, who I am and what my goals are - she asked me what I would do if I knew I was going to die in a year. I couldn't think of a single thing. Every thing seems like a chore - even spending time with family and friends. This is probably from my depression, and my AD meds aren't working now because of my low weight. I have done everything wrong and made it so much harder to do this on my own.

Truthfully, I would like to go back to the hospital, to just be able to get away from everything and not have to worry about any responsibilites and obligations, and to not have to do this on my own. I can't go - I cannot quit my life and let my family down - again. I know that doesn't sound rational and like I am putting of the inevitable. Denial is a wonderful thing - isn't it? (sarcasm)

Treehouse, I really love your analogies about the clouds and the sun, and the music lessons. When I see my T it helps encourage me to do what I need to do, and to use my skills, but then after a couple of days it is hard to hold onto, and the ED pulls me back in. Maybe I need to have therapy 2x a week for a while, to be with my 'teacher' so that she can remind me what I need to do and what my real goals are. I don't know if I could manage this with my schedule, but if it would help keep me out of a higher level of treatment it might be worth it.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

WePow - you are so amazing, because you have made the choice to get better, to feel all of the pain so that you can heal from it. That is such a brave thing to do. I honestly don't know how you do it. Every time I have decided to take that path, it is so hard and scary and it feels so awful, that I turn around and run the other way. I am just not strong enough. I think that is selfish of me but once I get to that point it is like a reflex - like pulling my hand away from a hot stove. To move forward through all the pain is unbelievably hard.

I thought that one of the axioms of therapy was that one should build up a certain level of emotional self-modulation skills before plunging into the bad stuff... or maybe rebuilding them if the bad stuff gets to you too much?

[sharon123]

It sounds to me as if your t cares for you very much and your life. She is giving you a choice. I hope you will choose.....life. Yes, it is so difficult to fight all of those feelings and emotions, but if you keep taking steps to recover and get better, you can look back, and realize your t loved and cared for you.

Now, you need to get to a place where you realize that and begin to care about yourself.

Your Ed is not who you are.....it is only a part of you. Abusers go on and live their lives as if nothing had happened, while the abused (us) fight a lifetime of eating disorders, alcoholism, drugs, etc., etc........

The blame and shame belong to the ABUSER, but the abused take on self-destructive behaviors. Don't let them win.

In the end, it is ALL a choice. I hope you will make the choice to stay with your t and work with her, and fight.

Did you ever confront the abuser? The most valuable words I ever learned: "Restorative Justice"--This is what you did, this is how it made me feel. It doesn't matter what the abuser says, thinks or does........hugs, Sharon

In other words, try (with your t's help) to recognize you did nothing wrong, and put the blame, shame and anger where it belongs...on the abuser..write a letter to the abuser; pour out all of your anger and rage and misery. I understand we understand these things intelletually, but it is teh emotions we fight; fighting those old tapes that tell you you are unworthy and need to suffer. Those tapes are lies.

When you were born, you were perfect and innocent. SOmeone took that away. Shame on them, that person who SHOULD be suffering is not...and the person who should not be suffering IS.

I know none of this probably ehelps; I too was molested, etc.....and he is dead, but if he were alive, I would confront him.

Life is so precious and short (I am 63), and someday we will only have an hour to live, and so I try to make the best of things.

Sending you love and hugs, Sharon

Please don't give up; if you do the abuser WINS dON'T LET that person have any more of your life.

lge suffgo

[Perna]

They look like very abrupt, stark choices, but they are not. If you choose recovery, that doesn't mean you will instantly start doing everything correctly; eating 3 meals a day and gaining a couple pounds a week. Choosing is not the recovery itself, any more than your ED is all your abuser left you!

Choice is merely turning in the direction that you want to start walking in. Even if you are in a wheel chair with a couple broken legs, you can turn the chair in that direction, make your mind face "forward" and start thinking about what you see ahead, both problems and possibilities. Recovery is a very long process darkrunner but the choice is just a decision to reorient, to agree that you too see that there is no status quo to maintain, that you are going down a wrong road and instead you want to start moving back up to the crossroads to choose a better-looking one.

[WePow]

man.... (((((darkrunner)))) .... you really have a lot of pain inside and I am so sorry to see that... you saying you do not "deserve" the understanding and support of others reminds me of myself... but the truth is that you deserve it just as much (heck - if not MORE) than many humans on this planet.

I thank you for what you said to me but I do not feel brave at all. In fact, on most days I feel like a total wimp. The only reason I can keep on moving forward is because the universe won't let me stop. It was not my choice (no details but I did choose to NOT participate). So now here I am.

The awesome thing is that so many here on PC support me and you deserve the same support I get. And you support them back!

In this life being a survivor is not easy. So many things get broken on the inside. And often we push others far away IRL. So we don't have the friends or support people who are not abused often have for "normal" human problems. And when the "normal" people try to support us, they often unintentionally say more to hurt us than help us! For example, this week back at work one lady was "glad to see me back" and asked me how I was doing. I told her just a fragment of why I was out since she appeared to care and I thought "I need to start being open to others and see how that goes" .... URRRRRR!! The very first thing she said was "Well, we ALL go through our THINGS."
Now I know she was not being mean about it - but heck no! Not EVERYONE has THIS stuff happen to them that many people on PC have had happen. I walked away from her without saying more... but seriously thought of telling her that.

The next day up on the roof I had another guy come up to me and say it was good to see me back. I thought "Ok. I will try it again to see how THIS human responds to me." He also acted like he really wanted to KNOW and he cared. And he is another person who I usually do not have work contact with or any social contact (I have known him for years though - just like the other lady). Well, I opened up a little bit. But this time,the response was so different. He was very empathetic and listened so carefully. I did not share details - just an overview of why I was out on disablity. Well he then opens up and shares that he is a survivor. He said all the right things that a survivor has to hear - he said he was so sorry that things happened to me and he did not try to compare our battle wounds in any way.

THAT is what PC is like for the most part. We are ALL just people who may have been wounded by others... or such. But we are all able to share true compassion and understanding that sometimes only comes from another survivor. And hon, you DO deserve that compassion from us. You have the battle scars to show for what you went through. You earned your admitance into the world of caring and loving true support from fellow survivors. Please don't forget that again. BIG hugs!!!

[BlueMoon6]

Hi Dark
You got some wonderful feedback. I want to add something else about eating. When I was IP for ED something struck me that I had never believed but had to experience. When I began to eat more and in a healthier way, I noticed that I felt less fuzzy and had more energy. Even that energy and feeling better could scare me, but I realized that I am not supposed to feel day in and day out the way I felt when I was restricting. That I could feel differently. I know its hard and this ED is a lifelong process, but it looks like your T wants to stop pushing gently and is pushing harder as you go toward danger.

You will probably be better able to think and process your feelings when your brain is nourished. All brains need nourishment. Can you think of your children and that they need a mom with a nourished brain? You dont want to leave this world too soon and leave them alone. They love you so much.

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

I thought that one of the axioms of therapy was that one should build up a certain level of emotional self-modulation skills before plunging into the bad stuff...

If I am understanding what you are saying, Pachyderm, I think you are correct. I've never been able to get my weight stabilized in order to move on to trauma work. I haen't been able to deal with the feelings that come up when gaining weight, even though I've been taught the skills that would help me.

Originally Posted by sharon123

In the end, it is ALL a choice. I hope you will make the choice to stay with your t and work with her, and fight.

Did you ever confront the abuser?
I know none of this probably ehelps; I too was molested, etc.....and he is dead, but if he were alive, I would confront him.

Sharon, Thank you.
Your post gave me a lot to think about. It does help.
A couple of things I thought of about what you wrote:
I do understand it is all a choice. I know my T can't do it for me, or make me want to do it. But it makes me wonder, if I have the skills and just have to CHOOSE to use them, why do I even need T? I guess that is an all-or-nothing way of looking at it (I'm good at that kind of thinking), but it still makes me wonder.
Actually I did confront my abuser, in a way, but it was weird. His employer set up a meeting for him to 'apologize', which he did but still denied everything. Then I met with him alone, and let him convince me that he didn't do anything wrong. I tried, but ultimately it really ended up being a continuation of his manipulation. I think about confronting him now, but I cannot because I have pursued legal action against him. (which I guess is also a form of confrontation)
Sharon - I'm sorry about what happened to you. Since he is dead, your abuser has now faced the ultimate justice and I'm sure has paid greatly for what he did to you.

Originally Posted by Perna

Choice is merely turning in the direction that you want to start walking in. Even if you are in a wheel chair with a couple broken legs, you can turn the chair in that direction, make your mind face "forward" and start thinking about what you see ahead, both problems and possibilities. Recovery is a very long process darkrunner but the choice is just a decision to reorient, to agree that you too see that there is no status quo to maintain, that you are going down a wrong road and instead you want to start moving back up to the crossroads to choose a better-looking one.

Hi Perna, I read what you wrote several times - I really agree with everything you said. I always tend to think of things as all-or-nothing, one of my favorite cognitive distortions, I think. It is really hard for me to find the middle ground. I think if I could do that it would help.

Originally Posted by WePow

I thank you for what you said to me but I do not feel brave at all. In fact, on most days I feel like a total wimp. The only reason I can keep on moving forward is because the universe won't let me stop. It was not my choice (no details but I did choose to NOT participate). So now here I am.

The awesome thing is that so many here on PC support me and you deserve the same support I get. And you support them back!

(((((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))
I your point of view, I what you wrote - your stories about how brave you are to open up to people at work, and how you were able to connect with someone. You have shared so much of your healing process with everyone, and you ARE brave and you are an inspiration. (And I always feel inadequate to try to support you, because you are a million times better than I am)
Maybe the choices my T gave me is the universe's way of making *me* move forward. Who knows

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

You will probably be better able to think and process your feelings when your brain is nourished. All brains need nourishment. Can you think of your children and that they need a mom with a nourished brain?

Thanks for saying this Blue Moon - it is a good reminder and I know you are right.
I had the same experience when I was in treatment and going through re-feeding. It is a huge trade-off though - feeling better physically means feeling awful emotionally. I don't think I am strong enough to make that choice right now.

As an update, yesterday I felt really motivated to choose the option of staying with my T in outpatient therapy, and really working hard and choosing recovery. I talked to my H about it - I told him I thought it would be so helpful to see my T twice a week for a while to help me get through this. To do this, I would have to ask my employer for a more flexible schedule. My H was totally against that. He thinks I need to stop using therapy as a 'crutch'. He said I need to stop thinking so much about the eating disorder and what happened to me, and take a class or find a new hobby, and that is how I will get better. I told him he really doesn't understand, but he said I am just being stubborn.
Now I am questioning everything again. I don't want to do something that my H doesn't support. So today my decision is to quit therapy, and keep using my ED until I die from it.
Amazing how my thinking can change so drastically in a day.
It is a selfish decision and I know I am pathetic. But there it is.

[WePow]

Hon - first of all - we are equal. That is just the truth. Like the old saying "we both put on our pants the same way- one leg at a time." ;-)

Second, you are free to live your life in any way you want. That includes self harm through an ED (or for me - other things I know do harm me).

But you sound like the choice you are making is one done out of deep and intense pain. Boy do I understand that!! But I don't think you want to die from your ED any more than I want to die from my self-harm. There is something broken on the inside and deep down, you are trying to give the universe more time to figure out a way to reach back to you and SEE you and SEE your pain and help you out.

If you are not getting that progress from this T, then it is time to get another T. Not all Ts are equal. But if you want to keep your T, do it and do it for YOU. Your H can only talk from his point of view and he obviously does not know the depth of YOU. But a T can know that. Only by reaching that depth can you extract the poison that is killing you from the inside. And that poison MUST come out. It is not easy to do that and many mistakes along the way happen. But it is something that you can choose.

Life is not about living and dying. Life is about choosing to be in each NOW and being there to the very best of our ability in that time.

You tell me how much I help others by what I post... but YOU can have that same impact on others that are hurting. It is a form of alchemy to be able to take that poison out of our system and transform it into medicine for others. When I see how my posting of my own truth sometimes helps others out, suddenly it makes me feel validated. I no longer feel like I am taking up space in the universe.

Big hugs!!!!

[BlueMoon6]

DR- I dont think you are pathetic at all. You are struggling and I have come to believe that the struggle is part of recovering. ED stuff is such a slow process. Even after periods of recovery it can rear its ugly head. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say that when you say feeling better physically means feeling AWFUL emotionally. When I am restricting it keeps all that stuff (somewhat) at bay. And when I add food in, healthier food in a not-restricting way, I feel so shaky emotionally that I feel like I have NO choice but to restrict if I want to function. I go through periods where that is not the case and periods where its all I can do (restrict) to keep myself efficient and functioning. The obession comes back when I begin to eat more and my weight goes up. I talk about this stuff endlessly in therapy.

I want to tell you something to "warn" you. I had a bone density scan (dexascan) about 3 weeks ago. It came back as Osteopenia- I have some kind of loss of bone density. I restricted dairy foods for so long. I had to take back dairy and now I eat yogurt. It was hard and I felt SO unsafe and like everything would fall apart. But I didnt. Im still here. It didnt cause me to gain an ounce. I dont have to add back foods all at once....I can do it real slow. 1 food every....2 months??? I dont know. Anyway, I am going to go on a medication for a year or so to re-mineralize my bones and hopefully reverse the damage I have done. And eat dairy...and take calcium 3x/day. I am telling you because the damage we can do to our bodies is real. It isnt just a therapist telling us we can hurt the only body we have. I am fortunate there is medication that might reverse this, but what about other kinds of damage? The kind there is no "undoing" for?

I dont think you have to be strong enough to get better. I think you just have to find that teeny tiny seed of willingness. And understanding your bottom with this restricting and dangerously low weight can always get lower. You CAN get worse. Its a moving train. How much worse do you want to get before you make a change? You know Im saying all of this with such love in my heart for you. I am going through the same thing. I have to tell myself the same things.

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by WePow

Life is not about living and dying. Life is about choosing to be in each NOW and being there to the very best of our ability in that time.

WePow - what you said is so wise. I do spend too much time living in the past and fearing the future. I think this will be my goal today - to choose to live in the NOW.

Blue Moon, I'm sorry to hear about the Osteopenia. I've heard of it and it's the beginning stages of Osteoporosis. But it is reversible and I'm glad you are aware of it now. I have been encouraged by my doctors to have a bone density scan but never did.
Thank you for your understanding, Blue.
I'm sorry you are struggling too, it just feels validating to know that someone understands on a deep level.

As an update, last night I emailed my T and told her everything I've been thinking, and about the conversation with my H. I told her I am confused and asked for her feedback and suggestions. I also asked if she would be willing to talk to my H, and if she thought that would be helpful.
Sending her the email helped put my mind at ease. I reailze she may not be able to give me any advice or tell me what to do, but at least I can wait for her to respond before trying to figure this out anymore.

[BlueMoon6]

Im glad you are giving this worry to T and emailed her. It is a really good idea to have T help you with H. Sometimes it is hard for husband's to understand and they just want to see us better. My H says stuff like that, too.

I want to encourage you to have the dexascan. The reason being that when it comes to medical issues, it is always better to know and be able to fix a problem before it is too late. Hopefully it wont show any problem. But if there is something there that needs help, you have to do what needs to be done. And it isnt a big deal- either the scan or taking medication for a time.

I do understand you, it is SO difficult. It seems like it is SO much a part of me that is damaged from the core and there is no way that I can completely recover, but even if I cant ever be "normal" with food, I can try to have a life free of this kind of pain. I know you dont want to live this way. No one would.

[Perna]

Yes, I too would encourage you to have the dexascan. As we get older we naturally lose calcium at a certain rate so it is good to have a "base" scan so they can tell if/how big a problem one might have by comparison. It doesn't hurt at all, isn't invasive, just like an xray of your legs. If you wanted to do an intermediary "moving ahead" step that didn't really have anything to do with your psychological issues, that would be a good one.

[gravyyy]

Hi Darkrunner. I just wanted to provide her position in this whole thing (only b/c I am going through a similar situation with a patient of mine, though not for psych but a physical problem). The trouble is, healthcare providers in general, Ts included, are held to the standard that they will do no harm to a patient. While I understand she is probably doing everything she can for you and isn't trying to harm you, to continue to work with you when you aren't making any progress is indirectly hurting you b/c it's holding you back from finding a different T that would have a fresh perspective on the situation and would better be able to help you right now. I'm sure it's a tough situation for her as well but if the situation really is that you're not making progress, and indeed getting worse, I think the 3 options she gave you are realistic. Again, it's not from the perspective that you're a bad person or hopeless case or anything like that but the fact that T can say, "i think if this pattrn is going to continue then maybe you need to find another T" shows that she absolutely has your best interest in mind. This is always a difficult situation for the patient and for T but it's great that she gave you options and didn't just say "see ya... don't come back." That shows she is committed to continuing to work with you as long as you jump back on board and try to take control of your illness, because in the end you're the only one that can make progress or regress in the situation. T and H can helo you and guide you but you're the one in charge of your recovery.

I know this must be an awful place for you to be in, though I am glad you were able to e-mail her and hopefully that will lead things in the right direction. I wish you the best in the situation and I hope that you come up with a solution that is the best for 'you.' I'm not trying to be mean or negative at all in this posting, I am just trying to provide you with what her line of thinking probably is. Take care!!!!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

My ED is who I am. Everything else about myself was taken away by my abuser.

Or maybe this is just an optical illusion? Maybe you are "choosing" to not build yourself up because of fear or programming from the abuser? Like it would be wrong for you to meet your needs and be good to yourself??

[xjp8x]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

I've been spiraling lately......given up in a lot of ways and stopped trying. Almost back at my lowest weight again.
My T said this 'level of care' is not working for me.

She gave me 3 options:

1. inpatient treatment
2. end therapy with her - she said she can't keep seeing me as I continue to lose weight because she could be held legally responsible
3. 'Choose' to fight against the eating disorder. Choose recovery. Do what I need to do - which is to eat and gain weight - even though it feels awful. She said I need to choose to use the skills I was taught in IP, Partial, Residential, indiv and group therapy, etc. She said she can help facilitate my recovery, but she can't make me decide to do it.

I can't go back to the hospital.
I don't want to stop therapy. I feel like she is my last hope. I feel like if I stop therapy, I will be a lost cause.....like she is the only thing standing in the way of me and my self-destruction.
But I don't think I can choose recovery either. My ED is who I am. Everything else about myself was taken away by my abuser.

I don't know what to do. I know I could say that I choose #3 and keep doing what I've been doing, but I don't want to be dishonest and that would be pointless anyway, because she would eventually catch on.
And if don't choose anything, that is a choice in itself.

I feel like my T doesn't care, she wants to get rid of me, she doesn't care about me, she knows I can't do this. I feel like I've been cornered and I'm being forced to choose an option, but I don't want any of them. I feel trapped, panicked, and scared.

What should I do? Is there any way out of this?
She didn't even say she would see me next week.
She told me to call her or drop her an email to let her know what I decided.

you will be ok! try talking to some one else that is not her some one older they really help!

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I do understand you, it is SO difficult. It seems like it is SO much a part of me that is damaged from the core and there is no way that I can completely recover, but even if I cant ever be "normal" with food, I can try to have a life free of this kind of pain. I know you dont want to live this way. No one would.

((((((((((((((Blue Moon))))))))))))))
I can really relate to the phrase you use, damaged to the core.
That is how I feel.
No, I don't want to live this way. I really don't. But for some reason it makes living bearable. I'm not quite sure how that works, but it does.

Originally Posted by Perna

If you wanted to do an intermediary "moving ahead" step that didn't really have anything to do with your psychological issues, that would be a good one.

Thanks for this perspective Perna. This is a good way to look at it. In my more positive moments it seems

Originally Posted by gravyyy

While I understand she is probably doing everything she can for you and isn't trying to harm you, to continue to work with you when you aren't making any progress is indirectly hurting you b/c it's holding you back from finding a different T that would have a fresh perspective on the situation and would better be able to help you right now. I'm sure it's a tough situation for her as well but if the situation really is that you're not making progress, and indeed getting worse, I think the 3 options she gave you are realistic. Again, it's not from the perspective that you're a bad person or hopeless case or anything like that but the fact that T can say, "i think if this pattrn is going to continue then maybe you need to find another T" shows that she absolutely has your best interest in mind. This is always a difficult situation for the patient and for T but it's great that she gave you options and didn't just say "see ya... don't come back." That shows she is committed to continuing to work with you as long as you jump back on board and try to take control of your illness, because in the end you're the only one that can make progress or regress in the situation. T and H can helo you and guide you but you're the one in charge of your recovery.

I know this must be an awful place for you to be in, though I am glad you were able to e-mail her and hopefully that will lead things in the right direction. I wish you the best in the situation and I hope that you come up with a solution that is the best for 'you.' I'm not trying to be mean or negative at all in this posting, I am just trying to provide you with what her line of thinking probably is. Take care!!!!

Hi Gravyyy - no I didn't you were being mean or anything. In fact, I really appreciate your input. I actually kind of agree with her, but at the same time I can't help that it makes me feel bad. Maybe somehow I wish she could rescue me, and that if she cared enough about me it would make a difference. But of course logically I know that is not true.
She doesn't necessarily want me to find another T though. When she gave me the option of quitting therapy with her, it wasn't to find another T. It was so that me and the eating disorder could be 'best buds' - as she put it. She has kind of a weird sense of humor I guess. But this points to that fact that no therapist in the world will be able to help me if I don't decide to recover.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Or maybe this is just an optical illusion? Maybe you are "choosing" to not build yourself up because of fear or programming from the abuser? Like it would be wrong for you to meet your needs and be good to yourself??

Yes, I think this goes back to what Blue Moon said about being damaged to the core. Then what's the use in being good to myself. I don't know if it was programmed into me, but I would think it definitely has something to do with my abuser.....with who he was. And if *he* wouldn't take care of me, it must mean I am not worthy of being taken care of.

Originally Posted by xjp8x

you will be ok!

Thank you xjp8x.

As an update, my T responded to my email. It wasn't very helpful. She didn't say my H could call her, but she did say that she kept me Thursday night appointment open and he could come with me. She also said that I don't need support from him or anyone to recover, but that I need to do it for myself and I need to believe that I deserve to be taken care of.
So.....it's me and H and T - 6 pm on Thursday. Ugh.

[BlueMoon6]

I am SOOOO glad H is going with you thursday night, but I can understand feeling anxious about it. My H and I went to a number of sessions together. I guess my (unsolicited) advice is to not have any expectations. And then when/if something positive comes out of it you will feel somewhat better. H is still H and maybe T will give him something to chew on (so to speak!) after the session and for a while after. He will at least most likely understand your ED better.

I agree that recovering has to come from us. No amount of embarrassment or threatening or bargaining from anyone else has ever done much. If it had or would we would have done that by now. But it is a struggle, I know, esp when H isnt really understanding what is going on.

I posted an update on my last sesson somewhere (maybe its on the previous page) and my last session was mostly about food. Do I want to change? Do I see what is unhealthy about my weight and behavior? Do I want something else? And it feels like TORTURE to change my old ideas. I sometimes feel like I will fall apart if I try to change things. But I can, you know? I am going to try. And you can, too. I know you can.

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I posted an update on my last sesson somewhere (maybe its on the previous page) and my last session was mostly about food. Do I want to change? Do I see what is unhealthy about my weight and behavior? Do I want something else? And it feels like TORTURE to change my old ideas. I sometimes feel like I will fall apart if I try to change things. But I can, you know? I am going to try. And you can, too. I know you can.

Blue, I'm sorry I didn't read your post.
I have been doing such a horrible job lately supporting others, and even reading as much as I should. I'm going to go look for that post now.

[darkrunner]

Well, had my session with T and H tonight.
It was weird.
T doesn't want to see me anymore. Afterwards, H told me it is because she doesn't believe that I am going to try . She wants me to go in for an inpatient stay and get to a healthier weight. But she is 'keeping my appointment open for me' and I should again drop her an email and let her know what I decide. I'm kind of confused. I don't know what happened. It was all a bit overwhelming and I cried a lot. I felt really humilated and like an utter failure. BUT...I am SURE I told them about my plan - about finding a middle place between outpatient therapy once a week, and a partial program 5 days a week. No one seems to care what I'm saying. They don't believe me. I guess I dont blame them,
I wouldn't believe me either.
I guess there's a lot more to say about the session but it's all useless.
I'm so tired of everything.
I don't know what will happen next. I'm just tired.