[mixedup_emotions]

My T says that I have been living in fear perhaps my entire life, and that it's going to be nice when I stop living in fear.

But how do you do it? Is it a gradual process? There are times when I feel empowered, but yet so many times find myself back to being fearful....

[BlackCanary]

Probably depends on what you fear?
I think you gradually step down, from living in 90% fear to 75%, to 50%, to a tolerable 10-20%? You learn to use your fear for good, protect yourself?

I've always feared being judged, and always responded defensively to any type of feedback. Therapy has really helped with this fear by giving me the tools to make the feedback into a dialog.

Since I had a heart attack, and got 2 stents, I feared dying too young. I had to do all this stuff (meds, food, exercise, de-stress) or I would die! Other heart attack survivors gave me support and assurance that the fear would diminish. My doctor assures me that I'll live a normal length life, and encourages me to keep up the good habits (she is the BEST). So, I feel less afraid of food - and I've gained 10 lb to prove it - but, food is still trying to kill me. So, I need to tap into the fear a bit to keep myself healthy.

A new fear - may trigger you, kind reader -

Since I started to talk about being assaulted when I was 17, I find myself afraid in situations where I was not before - dark city streets, the fitness center when there's just one guy in there with me, parking lots late at night. These do not echo the conditions of my assault; just are times when I'm hyper aware of my vulnerability.

A guy that works in my firm harassed/stalked some female colleagues, was rejected, angry and messed with the customer's password systems, etc. My BFF at work was told he was fired. BUT there he is at headquarters, sitting in his boss's office. Apparently lawyers are involved. But I'm wigging out because there's a psychopath sitting 5 offices down the hall from me. My fear is protecting me from a bad guy.

[WePow]

MU, for me, the fear is always there in some form. My T calls it PTSD. But it is the result of a chronic life of nothing ever being what it appeared to be.

So the goal for me has become how to be more comfortable living inside my own skin. It is not a matter of loosing the fear, but it becomes a matter of gaining confidence.

It is almost like someone who faces a bully day after day. When the kid studies the bully and learns things that can be helpful (what time of day they are more likely to run into the bully, what is a weakness of the bully) it gives the victim empowerment. Knowledge really is power. The act of gaining knowledge is empowerment.

So build up your muscles and keep working on the tools you need to have such as grounding. Figure out what your triggers are and why those things are triggers. Plan on how you will respond when those triggers pop into your life. All of these steps will empower you and turn on the lights. Monsters don't look so bad in the morning when the sun is shining :-)

[Melbadaze]

I think one is supposed to re experience the fear in a safe setting, so it can be refiled. its the memory of fear once experienced that creates more fear.

[Perna]

A lot of my fear was fear of fear/being afraid. Over time I realized the sky was not falling :-) and slowly got less fearful. Fear for me was mostly worry, and worry is a living in the future sort of thing which one can't really do, it's not practical since one can't know what one is going to have happening. Work on dealing with what happens right now, in the immediate time period (not easy) and you'll get more competent with dealing with whatever comes up and it will keep you so busy you won't have time to try and think too far ahead.

For me, the beginning seems to have been becoming less afraid of my T herself, less afraid to show her who I really am. That much has taken 2 years...so I guess it is indeed a gradual process...

MUE, I wish I knew the answer! my t and i are just starting to work on fear, yup, PTSD, but recovered, just depression now... I hate it; being so afraid i cannot even speak and start to hyperventilate, I hope we get to it soon, last session I couldn't speak at all and started to go out (dissociate) and then t asked about work , (I think) and all I can remember is I was talking about work, dont' even know how! But work is a safe subject; T's are alot smarter than they let on! Good luck, I will be interested to see what happens!

[BlueMoon6]

MUE- You know what? I see you living in much less fear than before i knew you. I think that you are on the road to living in less fear. Now, you know this isnt an overnight process, but I wish you could see what I see in you.

You are MUCH more willing to look at your fears those things that make you uncomfortable. Even if you begin here with us. You can articulate what the fear is and then next step is working on that particular issue. You ARE doing all of that.

It will be nice to stop living in fear. I think you are working hard and when you see what you have to do next, you approach that, even if its slowly. Id say keep on doing what you are doing and you WILL get there. I KNOW it.

Hugs and hugs and hugs

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

My T says that I have been living in fear perhaps my entire life, and that it's going to be nice when I stop living in fear.

But how do you do it? Is it a gradual process? There are times when I feel empowered, but yet so many times find myself back to being fearful....

for me its not possible. there is always going to be something that scares me in some way. tomorrows fears may not be the same fears I had in the past nor what I have today but experiencing the emotion fear/being scared is a natural human response. from the day we are born we are taught by our parents that the world is not always 100% safe - watch out for cars, look both ways, be careful thats hot,eat slowly so you dont choke, the boogie man in the closet, the monster under the bed, dont walk after dark alone, lock your doors and windows, wash your hands so you limit the risk if H1N1 virus. its endless. theres always gonig to be something we humans have to watch out for, set safety precautions for, set our own boundaries,

all we can really do is learn how to take it one day at a time one problem at a time.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

My T says that I have been living in fear perhaps my entire life, and that it's going to be nice when I stop living in fear.

But how do you do it? Is it a gradual process? There are times when I feel empowered, but yet so many times find myself back to being fearful....

There are most things in life that I do not think come down to a simply matter of choice. Some aspects simply have too many variables, contributors and moving parts to simply say "well, I'm not going to do that any more.

Fear is not one of those things. Fear can be directly confronted, faced and mastered. Fear can be stopped.

Aside from issues of my own personal, physical safety, the more afraid I am of something, the more I choose to move into it.

Each time I do so, my confidence grows and I am less fearful. The outcome may not be what I had hoped sometimes, but I learn that I can handle even the worst of outcomes. They do not destroy me. I still wake up the morning as Elliemay. Maybe a disappointed and sad Elliemay, but still very much Elliemay. I faced that and came out on the other side whole.

Sometimes the outcome is glorious and full of joy and I wonder "why was I afraid of that? - look at this payoff!

But I have to make a conscious choice to move into, instead of away from the fear.

I think it is the shortest route to freedom.

[Typo]

(((((((((((Mixedupemotions))))))))))))))

I have the same problems, my fear is based in being noticed and in intimate emotional relationships. I don't like being in situations I have little knowledge of. T is having me work on it step by step, at our last session she asked me to think on a small scale, what is something I wanted to do but I let fear stop me from doing it?

I answered with a few responses, going places by myself, joining the local fitness center, travelling long distnaces by myself.

I've found working on it gradually, step by small step, recently I joined the local fitness center, something fear stopped me from doing, I was afraid fo being noticed, and it is a situation I am unfamilar with so I avoided joining. It's something small, but it's a big step to bigger things, it's good to start with something small and then push your way up as you gain more confidence.

It is hard to step out from fears grip, but I believe in you and I hope you are able to find things that help. Keep us all posted

Sending lots of peaceful thoughts
Typo

Originally Posted by elliemay

But I have to make a conscious choice to move into, instead of away from the fear.

I think it is the shortest route to freedom.

This, exactly this, is something I've come to realize in the past few months. In fact, "feeling really scared" has been sort of a way for me to know that I'm doing exactly the right thing to help me move forward and heal. I don't mean running into traffic or anything like that...I mean talking about the scary things to T, opening my mouth and saying something at 12-step meetings, calling a friend for help when I'm struggling. When I do it, and I survive it, I think I heal a little inside.

As for PTSD-type fear...I used to be scared almost 100% of the time. If I was driving, I was afraid the person behind me was following me. If I was in a store, I was afraid someone was going to pull out a gun and start shooting. If I was at the park with my kids, I was afraid one of them would wander away and I'd never see them again....and on and on and on and on. I'm not sure how it went away, but those fears are almost gone now. I think part of it was just working through the traumas of the past with T....each time we work on the trauma, and I name the things I'm *actually* afraid of, and I feel that fear, and I experience being safe with T, a little bit of that hypervigilance goes away.

It's a slow, slow, slow process....and I think it's something that you're already doing. Just learning to deal with the people in your group seems like a big step towards overcoming a fear

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone, for your encouraging feedback....

It's just so hard to take a step outside myself to see myself as fearful, although I know I am. I'm fearful of a lot of things....but I know I've also made progress in certain areas (thanks for noticing, Blue & Tree!)....Not so successful in other areas (like exploring the past, a biggie)...

I've been hit with some really awful panicky feelings over the last couple days, and I couldn't pinpoint what it was about - until now. I am having a procedure done on my neck on Wednesday, which I am a little nervous about...BUT, the big trigger was calling to set up the consult for physical therapy. Each time I thought about it, I would become physically ill - nauseous, shaking, ball of anxiety welling in the pit of my stomach, on the verge of tears.

I have MAJOR touch issues....and I don't know if I can face this fear by going to physical therapy....and my neck, of all things....my worst trigger point....Of course, most of the work that has been done on my neck is the back of the neck - where my biggest trigger is the front of my neck.

But I know that physical therapy is more touchy-feely, and I am SCARED TO DEATH. Intellectually, I know that I have nothing to fear. They are there to help me...but my insides are not cooperating.

So, now I'm a bit frozen....I am going through the motions. Called the place, choking back tears, to give my information. And I have to call them back tonight with more details, and then we will set up the initial consult and evaluation. UGH. I don't know if I can handle it.

I feel like it's silly to most people....but I think some here could understand. I don't know what to do....

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Thanks, everyone, for your encouraging feedback....

It's just so hard to take a step outside myself to see myself as fearful, although I know I am. I'm fearful of a lot of things....but I know I've also made progress in certain areas (thanks for noticing, Blue & Tree!)....Not so successful in other areas (like exploring the past, a biggie)...

I've been hit with some really awful panicky feelings over the last couple days, and I couldn't pinpoint what it was about - until now. I am having a procedure done on my neck on Wednesday, which I am a little nervous about...BUT, the big trigger was calling to set up the consult for physical therapy. Each time I thought about it, I would become physically ill - nauseous, shaking, ball of anxiety welling in the pit of my stomach, on the verge of tears.

I have MAJOR touch issues....and I don't know if I can face this fear by going to physical therapy....and my neck, of all things....my worst trigger point....Of course, most of the work that has been done on my neck is the back of the neck - where my biggest trigger is the front of my neck.

But I know that physical therapy is more touchy-feely, and I am SCARED TO DEATH. Intellectually, I know that I have nothing to fear. They are there to help me...but my insides are not cooperating.

So, now I'm a bit frozen....I am going through the motions. Called the place, choking back tears, to give my information. And I have to call them back tonight with more details, and then we will set up the initial consult and evaluation. UGH. I don't know if I can handle it.

I feel like it's silly to most people....but I think some here could understand. I don't know what to do....

I have the exact same feelings at another place...

I've found that one approach is to be honest with the providers, tell them you are scared. Tell them that you don't like your neck being touched and that there is a good reason for that (you don't have to tell them why, just that you have reason for it).

Likely they will completely understand, respond and make the experience for you as easy as possible.

I'm sure this is not the first time they have dealt with this issue and I'm sure they will help you, but you need to let them know.

They should take care that things are done with your permission as and when you give consent to them. You can also stop anything that just feels too much.

It might never be pleasant, but it might be more tolerable.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I think one is supposed to re experience the fear in a safe setting, so it can be refiled. its the memory of fear once experienced that creates more fear.

I think there's something to that, Melba. Different people are going to have different ideas of what a safe setting is, though.

I like to think of the practice I follow as "Karma Yoga", though I don't know whether anyone but me would actually call it that. Briefly, I seek out things to do that I consider worth doing and I set about doing them. From time to time stuff comes up, including fear. When it does, I just keep doing whatever I'm doing and let the fear and other stuff take care of themselves. What makes the setting "safe" for me is not any kind of assurance that nothing bad could possibly happen; it's the knowledge that I'm doing something I've chosen to do and that if I've got to go, I'd rather go doing something that matters to me than trying to avoid all risk of harm.

I have to admit, though -- I was quite a fearful child and teen, and if someone had tried to give me the above advice then, I probably would've told them, "That's all right for you to say but you don't understand how I feel."

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Perna

A lot of my fear was fear of fear/being afraid.

For me, too -- as in, "I do stupid things when I'm afraid, and that right there is something to be afraid of!"

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

from the day we are born we are taught by our parents that the world is not always 100% safe - watch out for cars, look both ways, be careful thats hot,eat slowly so you dont choke, the boogie man in the closet, the monster under the bed, dont walk after dark alone, lock your doors and windows, wash your hands so you limit the risk if H1N1 virus. its endless. theres always gonig to be something we humans have to watch out for...

For me, part of the problem was that I was always facing a double threat: what could happen to me, and how I could possibly explain to my parents why I'd let it happen.

When I was well into my teens I discovered that my father, especially, knew I was inclined to be fearful and would often take advantage of that to try to keep me under control. If I didn't look three times before crossing the street, he'd remind me, a crazy driver might come speeding out of nowhere and smash me flat. If I didn't study hard enough I'd flunk out of school and get drafted into the army, where a red-faced sergeant (an added artistic touch, I guess ) would yell at me. If I didn't dress warmly enough I'd get sick and die, but first the doctor would stick me with needles (which, of course, I hated). I went through quite a bit of turmoil sorting out how I wanted to assess risk and what risks I was and wasn't willing to accept. Don't ask me how, but I seem to have come out the other end of that almost fearless. I guess I decided that the rewards of trying to stay safe enough to meet someone else's standards weren't worth it and the costs were ridiculously high.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

How do you stop living in fear? ... Is it a gradual process?

One idea is to challenge the things that make you afraid, and see that the experience you feared wasn't so bad--that you can get through it OK. If it is too hard to challenge your fears firsthand, a good starting point is to talk about them or imagine them in therapy, where you are safe. When you can do well with imagining the things you are scared of in therapy, then maybe move up to the real thing.

I am very scared when people get angry at me. I curl up in a ball inside and go hide. I hate that I do this, but when people get angry or yell at me, I just "go away." I think I am a little better at this than when I began therapy, but we haven't worked on it actively. I have sometimes felt that perhaps my T should regularly get angry at me, so I can become desensitized, but I know this is a dumb idea. I was very scared of my former H--too scared to get divorced. I feared anger and conflict. To help with this, my T had me bring him in for couples therapy and I could be there safe if my H got angry at me, and I could have support to speak and confront. It's like repatterning. If I do this safe with T and experience it, then maybe I can do it on my own because I will know how.

What I have also found is that I have been so scared of making people angry at me, that I act very appeasing to them to try to get them to not be angry at me--kind of like heading off trouble at the pass. So I have tried to work on that behavior, and not worry so much about people's reactions to me. I have tried to stop avoiding doing things I think will make people angry, and what I have found is that often people's reaction is not nearly as bad as what I had envisioned. They didn't get angry after all. I had feared this for nothing (a cognitive distortion). So I need to test my fears more, because sometimes it turns out I have exaggerated them.

MUE, If you are fearing for your personal safety, I think fear can play a helpful role, as often those fears are not groundless. I had some fears about personal safety from a former romantic partner. I found this book really helpful: The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.

I am finding the ideas posted here really helpful. Good topic--thanks.

[Sannah]

I used to be a very fearful person and I have decreased this down to probably 5 - 10 percent (still working on it!). Like many have mentioned, you just have to keep working through your fears, this is the only way that they are going to go away. Working one by one as they come up and which one is the biggest to start on at the moment.

[pachyderm]

I have found that slowing down (or trying to) my reactions to things helps a lot in dealing with fear. If you can slow down your reactions, then you can work through them better to see what is really happening, and what is not.

I feel pretty sure that one of the reasons that I had so much trouble with this is that my mother would always push me to respond instantly. If I didn't respond in time for her I was in more trouble than before. Of course this only meant that I would freeze even more... and be in more trouble... and...